My Weird Vocation Journey

[superblue]

If it isn't my depression and anxiety it is my formation director or someone in the community getting under my skin.

I try very hard to observe the times we are not suppose to talk, and like someone driving 5-10 over the speed limit that one time, and gets pulled over an ticketed while the same guy who has been zipping down the street for the past 20 years hasn't been caught once gets by scott free. Same to me, someone talks to me at the wrong time, I am not thinking oh am I or am I not supposed to talking right now, and boom i get a reminder which feels like a nasty reprimand about not talking.

So in order to avoid in appropriate talking before this latest incident, I am now avoiding my formation director after compline, because he loves, absolutely loves to yammer in the hallway, and for the life of me; I do not have a clue what I am supposed to do, remain silent and grinning like a fool, or ignore him because it is a time of silence, and during the days as well in the halls, and obviously ignoring him that would be rude. But mind you it is perfectly okay for him to do so because he has been here since the beginning of time ,and evidently rank and seniority trumps house rules and the rule of st. benedict.   An he  tells me that I talk to much and need to set a better example for new people coming in. Go figure, the rookies are the one to set the example not the elders.

This place royally ticks me off sometimes and i want to pop off so bad sometimes not on everyone but just one or two people. What good would that do though, so now i vent.

So now I have to work harder to remember,( because oddly enough my short term memory no joke is failing me at times especially in short insignificant conversations or directions for weeks down the road that a certain formation director thinks i should be able to remember just because he can remember anything anyone ever told him) not to respond not only when I am not supposed to which is ideal and primary, but also who is talking to me, about what, when, is anyone around in the immediate area to complain.

I do not mind the rules, what I do mind and take offense at, is the people who have been here the longest, starting from the top down, not setting the example to begin with and demanding me and others who are knew ..... why bother venting anymore OH one giant side note, the one new professed brother by about 2-5 yrs,  is talked about behind his back, because he actually observes  the rules of silence, and is considered unsociable, and then during rec time he is with us, hardly speaks, or goes off to another side of the room to read, and more ridicule behind his back. Not to mention the gossip of some who now regret voting him in, I can't imagine how horrible i would feel to be him and find out such things, let alone if it were to happen to me some day.

There seems to be more problems going on here that no one really wants to address and it is sad to me. An all I can do is either accept everyone and this place as it is as they are, and chalk things up to the point that I am following Christ under the Rule of St. Benedict //// or leave.

I will toss this one question though , is how to respond to my formation director, when he is talking to me about nothing important what so ever when we are not supposed to be talking. ? Evidently laughing and talking in a low voice is permissible but nothing more, in his views it seems. At this point in time, I prefer to not have to engage him any more than polite acknowledgment when a simple nod of the head or a smile and wave will suffice.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

Superblue--My intuition is sending me "red flags," especially about your formation director and people bad mouthing others behind their backs. But there have been other things you have described to me before that surprised me.

Perhaps I am naive and idealistic about what living in Religious Community is like. The only somewhat comparable experience I have is working at the same workplace in the same department for 20 years (20-30 people in the department, part of a larger company). Obviously no group of human beings is ever going to be perfect, but somehow I expected Religious Life would be different than what you are describing.

I wish others with actual experience in Religious Life would speak up, in case I am way off base. 

Edited November 2, 2015 by IgnatiusofLoyola

[Luigi]

SB - I might ask the formation director, next time we meet officially to talk about my formation, something like:

Help me understand the silence rules, will you? I don't think I understand the nuances of it. For instance, I thought that after Compline, we were supposed to maintain silence, but it seems that not everyone does.... OR How strict are the rules of silence supposed to be? For instance, I don't want to come across as unfraternal (or whatever the correct word is), but I also don't want to break the rules of silence. So maybe you can clarify if/when I can answer someone.

Another option would be, when someone says something to you, just smile and nod, maybe give them a "thumbs up" if you approve, a nod if you agree, a head shake if you don't agree, but not really respond in words. Of course, that won't work very well if they ask you a question that requires any explanation.

 

Hang in there, buddy.

[Antigonos]

Just an observation, FWIW.  Anger and depression are linked.  Could some of the aggravation you're feeling now be linked to your depression/anxiety, which perhaps is not as well controlled as you think?

In any case, as Luigi wrote, hang in there.

[Mags]

Superblue--My intuition is sending me "red flags," especially about your formation director and people bad mouthing others behind their backs. But there have been other things you have described to me before that surprised me.

Perhaps I am naive and idealistic about what living in Religious Community is like. The only somewhat comparable experience I have is working at the same workplace in the same department for 20 years (20-30 people in the department, part of a larger company). Obviously no group of human beings is ever going to be perfect, but somehow I expected Religious Life would be different than what you are describing.

I wish others with actual experience in Religious Life would speak up, in case I am way off base. 

ThThis sounds like a very good approach. That way, at least, you would not be making any direct criticism but may make him think. 

With regard to those talking behind the brother's back, as you write it it doesn't sound good and can have a very negative effect on the community. Would it be possible to raise this with you novice master during your next session? I know that St Benedict would have had a lot to say about what you describe. You are in my prayers x

I'm sorry IngatiusofLoyola, I somehow managed to add my comment onto yours.

[superblue]

SB - I might ask the formation director, next time we meet officially to talk about my formation, something like:

I literally wish I was making this up;   I have not had a formal meeting with my formation director but for two times, once when I got here, and another one which i joke not, was with a vocations guest who wanted to enter the community, It was in my opinion a disingenuous meeting to see how myself, another postulant and a novice would interact with him, because the F.D stated that meet like this often, and i was surprised as it was the first time an was hoping to do it again some time after the vocation guest left, it has never happened since.

I appreciate the input and am reflecting and considering things.

Just an observation, FWIW.  Anger and depression are linked.  Could some of the aggravation you're feeling now be linked to your depression/anxiety, which perhaps is not as well controlled as you think?

In any case, as Luigi wrote, hang in there.

I do take what you said into consideration all the time, so much so that I rarely speak up for myself when I should because at times, I am uncertain if someone is being mean, or merely joking or am i taking what was said out of context.  I do think things are linked to a degree, and I am being very careful here to not dramatize anything I am saying. An am trying to view the situation not just from my side but by the other as well. I think in the long run I would rather aire on the side of caution and figure that for what ever reason he is busy.... but still in all....

 

gtg thanks gang.

 

[superblue]

I have an amazing family, as much as I wana turn tail and leave, they keep motivating me to stay, my brother reminds me how miserable I was at home, which I mean maybe I was, but at least it was home... and things are picking up for me here but I do expect some bumps along the formation way to becoming soon.

 

[Swami Mommy]

Superblue, you surprised me!  You've only ever mentioned your mother before so I thought you were an only child.  How many siblings do you have, and if I may ask, how old are you?  You seem to really miss being at home.  Most young people can't wait to spread their wings and leave the nest, although, granted, they still can touch base with family when needed.  Did your mom pamper you a lot and worry about you and make a fuss over you at home?  I could see how being in a group of mostly silent men would not feel terribly comforting if you need a lot of emotional stroking and reassurance and that is what you were used to having.

[Sister Marie]

Superblue, I've been following some of your thoughts as you transition into religious life.  It is a difficult life to get used to and in the beginning sometimes we can misinterpret things because we're not used to common life outside of family or the particular cultural customs of a community or even just the personality of the community.  You have to remember that you are entering into a group and you are the new person.  They have already figured out how to live with one another and there are many established relationships - it takes time to become a part of a group.  They may not be doing anything wrong and you may not be doing anything wrong - it just takes time.

When I look back on my own formation I can see some times when I didn't understand the culture of community and I may have attributed that to something negative when I just didn't understand all that was happening.  I'm afraid that as you continue to get to know the brothers and community life you will look back on some of what you've written here and feel badly about it.  Community is always a great support and challenge.  There is always some pain but there are also many blessings.  In many ways a community is a family but it isn't the same as a natural family.  What you observe as "water cooler" conversation is not necessarily a gossipy-uncharitable thing happening but genuine concern in a culture that you don't understand yet.  I hope when you do understand it a bit more and start to form bonds with the brothers, you can experience community as a joy and not something to suffer through.  

Often during formation, while the community is supportive, they don't overreach into the life of the one in formation because it is the duty of the formator to really teach that person how to live in the community.  You've expressed that there are some difficulties communicating with your formation director.  I think if you went to him and asked to talk directly - he should be open to that.  Otherwise you may end up misunderstanding one another and that will only make things more difficult.  I think you need to share with him some of the things you are sharing on here.  Let him help you and direct you.  Formation can be a very difficult time especially for someone who already struggles with depression and anxiety.  You are in a whole new place with all new people and you can't predict what's going to happen next or how you are supposed to act... it can be very stressful.  

Last thing - I promise.  As you keep moving through formation keep asking yourself - Is this the life God intended for me to live?  God desires my happiness and holiness.  Is this the place where I am best able to do this?  If it is - You should feel joy and peace even in the difficulties.  If you feel trapped or motivated by fear - it's possible that this isn't God's will for you.  God gave us free will so we would choose to love him not so we would be forced into some kind of half-life thinking that it might be "the best we can get."  We all go through tough times but just keep the question in the back of your mind.  God wants good things for you. 

[superblue]

I appreciate the insight Sister Marie and I do realize I am the outsider, I also realize I have been accepted for the stage of the journey I am on as well.  I can't agree that I will feel badly about anything that I have said though, because I know the context in which I have said it, and have not said anything here in a mean spirited , hateful or derogatory manner towards my community; but when in print or even verbally things can be twisted any which way one wants.  I do not think for one minute that I have misconstrued anything here. There is something to think about when Leaders see absolutely no problems in a community, and assume that because no one is complaining that must mean everything is okay. I make plenty sure to not jump the gun on anyone, I learned that a long time ago the hard way. I am not saying my formation director doesn't like me nor am i saying he could careless about me. But what I have noticed is the opposite of this

>they don't overreach into the life of the one in formation because it is the duty of the formator to really teach that person how to live in the community.<  

There is zero reaching out what so ever, don't get me wrong there is socializing,  every now an then someone asks how my family is, normal things one would expect, but as to my formation director " teaching me how to live in the community " that is just sadly non existant, there is no rationalizing around it, or spiritualizing it, or anything.  Less one wants to think this is some mystical teaching going on which is just beyond me, that is fine I suppose. 

Maybe in other monasteries a formation director does things differently, but considering that monasteries are all run differently, that i suppose is reason enough to why this formation director is // different.  I learned really fast that he does not understand depression, or anxiety, it isn't worth my time to try and explain what I am going through to him. I have bigger fish to fry as it is, and I am coming to a point to where I can start living with my crosses that I have an abundance of. An I suppose since they are mine I should do the best with them as I can. I can't expect people to be as understanding as I need them to be, I have to be willing to live with what I chose and accepted.

Am i struggling, yes, do I have depression and anxiety an are the chances are it will never go away, yes.

Is this my first rodeo, no.

Is Christ with me through all of this, yes and so is now I am seeing St. Benedict as well.  >As you keep moving through formation keep asking yourself - Is this the life God intended for me to live?  God desires my happiness and holiness.  Is this the place where I am best able to do this?  If it is - You should feel joy and peace even in the difficulties.  If you feel trapped or motivated by fear - it's possible that this isn't God's will for you.  God gave us free will so we would choose to love him not so we would be forced into some kind of half-life thinking that it might be "the best we can get."  We all go through tough times but just keep the question in the back of your mind.  God wants good things for you. <  *

 I know God wants good things for me, but I also know that I have a personal relationship with God, and that in the end I have to make the best decision possible with what I know. An I also know that God is not going to make things any easier on me to figure out. An I even know better that being completely honest with anyone in major decision making roles is probably the absolute worse thing that I can ever do because I know who I am and I am learning that honesty is not always what people want to hear especially if it is the truth or a truth that they do not want to face.

Luckily I am being given plenty of time, and thankfully God has a sense of humor.

p.s** sorry for the weird font size, don't read into it, i just got screwed up when trying to use the quote and then i couldn't fix it all to look proper.

 

Edited November 7, 2015 by superblue

[superblue]

I also wanted to add, fear is a good motivator , it can be that is , and it is hard when one has depression and anxiety to be able to feel joy and peace in times of difficulty, so for me I have to wait till the emotional roller coaster starts to slow down, an remember that my feelings will pass, that this is just who i am.  I am in a good community, I have been given a lot, and things are different in a scary way but in a positive one, in that i have been given the stick so many times,it is hard to understand what the good is and how to handle it. But i am still not oblivious to the problems in this community and do realize it is not my job or duty to try and change them let alone address them to my superiors for a lot of reasons. Though i do see a problem when money is being spent on frivolous agendas that are really only tailored to the superficial when we have a program that in place designed to help the poor in the area, and that money instead could be used to strength what we have for the poor, instead of spending money on lavish events to bring in big donors and pamper them. When those events come about I feel like we are losing a great deal of what we are supposed to be doing while others are going with out. An the rebuttal is something along the lines of, well we need to bring in the money to keep this place going, and we use Some of those funds to help the poor or by bringing in money to help our seminary we are in turn serving the community... It is a good way to rationalize away the truth with answers like those. Though a bigger truth is that shifting gears is not going to sink the ship considering that the ship has been on the same course for so long that at some point one has to realize that God has blessed this monastery and is not going to let it fail. An more over that so much more could be done, but isn't and usually I see it as not being done because those in leadership positions has their own agenda and is not interested in anything else at the time until it is completed and then things become a : well you have nice sentiment for the poor and your ideas are this and that, but the reality is this ; x.y, and z( and it is those responses i find to be nothing but excuses to just justify what one is doing )

 

One thing I have also learned about myself that I think sets me apart from most others, is that I know I am a screwed up jerk, where as others are, but don't realize it.

[Sister Marie]

I wish you the best, Superblue.  I am only speaking from my own experience and you are free to take it or leave it - I only offer it for your consideration.    I hope you can find some peace and that your life in community is filled with many blessings.  It will never be perfect as we aren't in Heaven yet but, personally, community life has been one of the greatest blessings of my religious life.  I hope your journey brings you joy and peace.  

[superblue]

Ty, S/M what you have offered has indeed been considered , I can say that with in my inner turmoils that prevent me from experiencing joy and peace on a regular basis, that this community I am with, this monastery, has given me the best possibility to have some peace on the journey. 

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And I have noticed my sleep apnea is some what getting a bit worse, waking up with headaches occasionally,  so hopefully sometime late next year i will be permitted to get the sleep study needed so i can get the machine needed.. Next on my list is finding time to get new pantaloons and shoes, in theory a very simple task, and a hair cut// yet by me putting preconcieved notions on to the situation i get jacked up anxiety problems; I hope sometime next week to give it a try.  If it goes smooth i might be able to relax that tiny bit more.  Though kind of hard to think things are going to go simply, when i have already been sarcastically asked if i was going to shave my face for an event .... it is bananas considering we have some elderly who haven't brushed their teeth  in weeks or months and could breath the paint off the wall or make one sick if one were to get too close.

 

 

 

 

 

[Swami Mommy]

Do you have health insurance?  If so, have you talked with your novice master yet about your sleep apnea?  You can have a stroke or your heart can be seriously taxed if you have untreated apnea.  It's nothing to fool around with and I'm sure the community would rather pay for a CPap machine than heart surgery to correct a heart problem that could develop.  Did you have sleep apnea before you entered the community?  If so, why didn't you get that assessed and treated before you entered the community?  By the way, how's your bed pillow?  If it's not the right height, a person can wake up with a stiff neck and a headache.  The loft of the pillow should equal the depth of your shoulder to keep your neck's spinal column in alignment.

[superblue]

Well today, the remainder of this week is going to be an interesting one, I am now being tested and it is not fun to say the least and it has turned out to be more of a battle which i hope to deescalate very soon and get back on track.  I can see how things are playing out, I  can also imagine how some here would love to only have my full information as to know who in the world my Abbot is so they can forward everything to him and demand my immediate removal from the monastery. 

 

But hey it is my life,  I have to start doing things now i should have done years ago, and telling the truth is apart of it, be it for better or worse. I would rather have my yes mean yes and my no mean no, and people get hurt along the way from it, than lie and pretend i live in this bubbly wonderful atmosphere of praise , joy and glory, though that does not mean i am setting to hurt anyone and i am not. I am just ready now to let the chips fall where they may, which really is not random chance, as that is something i do not believe in, but rather going where the Holy Spirit is leading, and trusting in God that the way I am going is where I need to be and to also be ready to move when God says move.

 

Like it or not, this is my vocation journey , viewers, spectators, commentators are merely along for the ride.