My Weird Vocation Journey

[superblue]

Congratulations! Was there a special ceremony? Is what you wear different now? Has your name changed?

Do men have a canonical novitiate year?

Yes a private entrance ceremony was held in the monastery, i wear a dark gray half habit ( mainly to distinguish between who is apart of the monastery and who is a student at the seminary since as a postulant we both wear the same shirt an pantaloons, why that is i don't know ) my name is the same for now, once one makes Temporary profession then one is given the chance to present three names to the Abbot who then chooses one of the three to be ones religious name. I was told that we have a " chronological year " . so for me it will be a year + 1 day, today is my official starting day, last night was the ceremony.

You had a beautiful feast day for it.  May the holy archangels pray for you. Those are three formidable companions to embark on a novitiate with!

** hugs ** thank you !

[Luigi]

You should make choosing your name a Phamily Aphphair - you've got a year to raise funds for dUSt. A dollar a vote, sent to dUSt, dUSt keeps track and announces your name to you next year. 

My own suggestion would be Brother Phrancis. The abbot will love the creative spelling!

[TheresaThoma]

Congrats! I will pray for you on this new stage of your journey!

[superblue]

one of those hard nights again.  I hate the nights so much sometimes, things are always a bit clearer in the day time. right now though, i just want to go back home....   an this is supposed to be my home.   It doesn't feel like home.  So much to be grateful for yet I am either only having two stages, content ( with moments of laughter through out the day followed with periods of powerful prayer ) and my depression and just wanting to go home, hug my mom,  cook for us again, and figure something else out while visiting my nephew .... But that is the problem i have no real skills that can keep me at a functioning stable life with stable income.

I am a dependent person , in so many ways. That hopes to be indepedent and is too much of an introvert to make much happen.

I keep telling myself one more day. That i have only been here for 4 months now, and that really is not enough time to make a rational decision as to if this is for me or not. So then I tell myself okay ill give myself 8 more months and then i'll go home, and then i am like woa, well that isn't the best way to go about things, how about 8 more months of just feeling things out knowing that if i still struggle at night, if i call home to hear the reassuring voice of my mom more than twice a week, then i will talk to my mom about coming back home.

 

I know this separation for my mom has not been easy for her either, i am very thankful she has not been telling me how much she misses me; I told her last time that what should have happened a long time ago is that i moved out but stayed in the area so i could visit when i wanted, heck spend the night in my old room when i wanted and go about my life...  I just do not feel I am strong enough emotionally or mentally, to handle the secular world. I have such horrible self esteem it is incredible that I have stayed together this long in life in general. An the only reason I have is through the Grace of God and the love of my family.

As much as i miss my former four legged companions I could really use a good dog right now to hold an be comforted by. An to just play with.   I remember when i was at work, sheesh more often than not, besides random things i looked forward too, thoughts of how great it would be to have my dog at work next to me would come to mind. Or just looking forward to playing with  him or my girl dog, either of em / when i got home, was a great comfort and something worth looking forward too.

I feel like I am stuck; I have a great life ahead of me here ; and if i can just manage the nights and the hard feelings and misery that i go through like now, i could even thrive and as stated previously in a response to me, this is probably the best an only option ; that i have in life.

Everything comes at a price and sadly I am now the one who has to decide what is best for me. 

 

[Luigi]

What's the problem with the nights? Do you not fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow? Do you wake up during the night and can't get back to sleep?

[Julie de Sales]

I'm not very active on VS, but I have been following your journey and I'm very happy that you have become a novice  I'm sorry you struggle so much sometimes, the monastic life it's not an easy path. I would be curious to know how/when you felt called to religious life and monastic life in particular, if you don't mind sharing

[John Paul]

one of those hard nights again.  I hate the nights so much sometimes, things are always a bit clearer in the day time. right now though, i just want to go back home....   an this is supposed to be my home.   It doesn't feel like home.  So much to be grateful for yet I am either only having two stages, content ( with moments of laughter through out the day followed with periods of powerful prayer ) and my depression and just wanting to go home, hug my mom,  cook for us again, and figure something else out while visiting my nephew .... But that is the problem i have no real skills that can keep me at a functioning stable life with stable income.

I am a dependent person , in so many ways. That hopes to be indepedent and is too much of an introvert to make much happen.

I keep telling myself one more day. That i have only been here for 4 months now, and that really is not enough time to make a rational decision as to if this is for me or not. So then I tell myself okay ill give myself 8 more months and then i'll go home, and then i am like woa, well that isn't the best way to go about things, how about 8 more months of just feeling things out knowing that if i still struggle at night, if i call home to hear the reassuring voice of my mom more than twice a week, then i will talk to my mom about coming back home.

 

I know this separation for my mom has not been easy for her either, i am very thankful she has not been telling me how much she misses me; I told her last time that what should have happened a long time ago is that i moved out but stayed in the area so i could visit when i wanted, heck spend the night in my old room when i wanted and go about my life...  I just do not feel I am strong enough emotionally or mentally, to handle the secular world. I have such horrible self esteem it is incredible that I have stayed together this long in life in general. An the only reason I have is through the Grace of God and the love of my family.

As much as i miss my former four legged companions I could really use a good dog right now to hold an be comforted by. An to just play with.   I remember when i was at work, sheesh more often than not, besides random things i looked forward too, thoughts of how great it would be to have my dog at work next to me would come to mind. Or just looking forward to playing with  him or my girl dog, either of em / when i got home, was a great comfort and something worth looking forward too.

I feel like I am stuck; I have a great life ahead of me here ; and if i can just manage the nights and the hard feelings and misery that i go through like now, i could even thrive and as stated previously in a response to me, this is probably the best an only option ; that i have in life.

Everything comes at a price and sadly I am now the one who has to decide what is best for me. 

 

Have you talked to your Father Superior/Abbot at all about this?

[superblue]

What's the problem with the nights? Do you not fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow? Do you wake up during the night and can't get back to sleep?

The problem is my depression at night becomes like 20x harder, as that is when i am alone, i start to worry, excessively. Not all the time does it happen, and i do take daily medication which helps me so much during the day, and i guess i need to talk to my doctor about the night problems i am having really. I actually do sleep fairly well, but i have sleep apnea so, sometimes i wake up with a headache even if i didn't wake up due to snoring or gasping for air.  An my Abbot would rather me wait till after my novitiate before getting a CPAP for that...  

Have you talked to your Father Superior/Abbot at all about this?

I could, his door is always open, so is my spiritual directors' ;   the problem is, I know me.  I panic a lot, I look for excuses at times to run away, I am introvert, I am very needy on many levels, i struggle with depression and anxiety, i even have scruples to a degree. But if i went zooming to my S.D or my Abbot to go an cry on their shoulder every time my depression, fears or anxiety gets to me, and just beats me down so hard, they could become concerned. I am under a lot of stress also because i have moved away from home, for good. I will see my family and friends after my novitiate, and the journey to solemn vows hasn't taken place, but for all intensive purposes. I am here for better or worse, thick or thin.  I can't quit any more.... and it is hard.   I struggle with separation anxiety too.

An more over things concern me, i am worried about what will become of me because i have no serious skills to give the community, i have no degree. nothing really but some interest in art that i am barely even interested in any more... i mean don't get me wrong i have chores an small jobs to do here.

 

What the community wants to see, which i am doing is being able to cope, function, and not have a melt down every time something emotionally happens. To not fly off the handle when one feels slighted by a member of the community.

The thing is, when emotions bottle up, when the depression becomes too much, and there is no shoulder to physically cry on, no one to give you a hug and reassure you that everything is going to be okay, who do you go to ?  I can't really do that here, that isn't the kind of support i see this community willing to give. So i have to find places to vent. Till it all passes. An it does. An i come back to earth an it is an odd feeling.

 

Ever see south park, how in the early episodes, Kenny would die every time, some horrible way. An next episode he is back, like nothing happened, in a way that is me.

I'm not very active on VS, but I have been following your journey and I'm very happy that you have become a novice  I'm sorry you struggle so much sometimes, the monastic life it's not an easy path. I would be curious to know how/when you felt called to religious life and monastic life in particular, if you don't mind sharing

ty, it is getting late for me so i will get to this tomorrow hopefully.

 

thank you to all for letting me vent an listening, and praying for me.

[Pax17]

Superblue, I am the introvert's introvert (INFJ on the Meyers-Briggs scale; only 1% of the US population has this personality type).  Despite anxiety, depression, phobias, dependency and insomnia, I have had a 40-year career as a corporate writer.  As I look back ( I am about to retire in two weeks), I wonder how I did it.  But I did, and successfully.  The fact that you are dealing with everything shows you have great strength and courage...and these are the gifts you will give to your community.  And they are special gifts...not everyone has them.  Introverts certainly can effect change...they do so quietly and methodically.  To most people at work, I've looked like a shy person who has nothing to contribute.  But as one colleague put it, "I always knew you were a quiet force to reckoned with."  Do not despair. 

You are in my prayers.

 

[Mags]

I am praying for you. Although you said that you don't want to go running to your spiritual director or Abbot every time, and I can understand that, do ensure that you are getting all of the support you need. I think you hit the nail on the head by saying that you need to speak to the doctor about the problems you are having at night. If this can be managed then hopefully your emotions will become more stable, getting enough sleep is so important to our physical and mental health.

I can totally empathise with feeling that you don't have anything to offer, I felt much the same when I was in community. What I have come to realise, albeit slowly, is that we all have gifts to offer, we can all too easily dismiss what we have, try not to do this! 

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

SuperBlue--I'm worried about you. I keep being surprised when you talk about things like other brothers not offering to help when you need a ride to a Dr.'s appt, and I'm surprised about you not getting more emotional support when you're going through tough times. I'm not saying hugs and kisses like your mother, but don't men show emotional support for each other, especially for the newest members of their Community?

I, too, suggest going to a doctor for sleep problems if they are not naturally going away. I put it off for years, and when I finally went I found I had some serious sleep issues. (I know you've said you had sleep apnea, but there are other sleep problems in addition to sleep apnea that can keep you from getting good quality sleep.)

Of course you don't want to be perceived as a baby who goes to the Abbott with every problem, but I guess I always pictured a Novice Master as being more supportive of his young charges.

I hope you're continuing to go to a qualified psychopharmacologist for your depression and anxiety issues. Increasingly, science is showing that these kinds of issues are not due to weaknesses of character, and can be helped by medication. But, the first medication tried doesn't always help-- it can take a lot of trial and error. Also, although for many people, these issues are worst in the late teens/early twenties, that doesn't mean they just go away as you get older. I've been fighting them for 40 years. I understand myself much better now, and have much better tools for fighting depression and anxiety than I did in my teens, but hoping that your depression and anxiety will just "go away" if you wait long enough won't necessarily work. I also feel very bad when you say you feel that you are now in the monastery for better or worse. You have only been in the monastery a few months. I'd hate for you to think you have no where else to go.

There are LOTS of jobs for introverts. Coincidentally, like Pax17, I also was a business writer for most of my career. From your posts, you are not stupid. I discovered in my 20's that there were lots of jobs I had never even heard of.

I apologize if some of my comments may be due to the fact that I know NOTHING about men's religious Communities. I hope that men who have been in religious life post responses to you. Obviously, all I know about women's religious Communities is secondhand, but, for example, I can't imagine the members of a women's Community ignoring a postulant's need to go the doctor. As an adult, you go less to your parents for emotional support, and more to your friends. I'd hope you'd develop some good friends in the Community to help you out.

Please forgive me if my comments are way off base. Obviously, I'll be praying for you.

[superblue]

IofLoyola ; nothing you said is really off base, I have been on medication most of my life now for depression and anxiety, i am familiar with the trial an error aspect of it. My day time meds keep me balanced, but I am really considering seeing my new doctor to address the evenings. now i have to look up where i can find a psychopharmacologist ( i never knew they existed, i am aware that psychatrists are able to prescribe medication better ) so much information out there an not really sure where to go sometimes.

but don't men show emotional support for each other, especially for the newest members of their Community?

well i guess this depends on your definition;  I guess i give the appearance that emotionally i am strong and doing well, so there is no need for anyone to check in with me and ask how i am doing. People are kind enough, i know the brothers here are praying and hoping i persevere which i will. Though no, no one really asks me how i am doing, and i don't have any kind of meeting other than with my spiritual director on a monthly basis for an hour if i need that much time to talk an figure things out. Which i have taken some issues i have had to my S.D before./ though in general with the community  it is all small talk, example if your family member was injured in a car wreck, first someone comes one up an asks about it, then wishes you well n probably says and does pray for you, but then that information is spread to the community, an thus in turn it becomes water cooler talk. it isn't like we physically show support by coming together in a room for praying for that person .  From what i gather the only real time the Abbot goes with someone to visit his family is in the event of a death, and of course the community would come together for the burial.

i mean what is emotional support to you ?  

I do believe they pray for me though.

 

I also feel very bad when you say you feel that you are now in the monastery for better or worse. You have only been in the monastery a few months. I'd hate for you to think you have no where else to go.     

Well;  even though I have not made solemn vows,  and I have in deed only been here a few months, I just realize it is time for me to make a real commitment in life, and I would rather give my life to Christ and the Church as limited as i am, than return home and flounder around , battling my depression endlessly and watching the home i grew up in crumble around me.

It is just time to grow up.

I could go home, and it would take me months to lick my wounds, because i do not heal easily, i am not certified in anything, and have limited experience in assembly work , i am horrible working with the public, and i need physical support now get public things done, going to an interview would be a major panic attack, trying to make new friends and etc, i just can't do these things alone any more.  The only reason I have been successful here is I know that I am in a peaceful and compassionate place, that is focused on Christ.

And i have expressed to a friend that in a way i feel at times as if i am standing more often than not, right next to the foot of the cross, Christ dying , blood and gore is the scene , and i want to leave, i want to run away, but i can't and where in the world would i go any how ?

But this is very much like a marriage , for better or worse, good times and bad, I don't want to quit in life any more, but i haven't really  learned how to deal with my inner struggles as of yet ; I have gotten better though believe it or not, from years ago.

 

I keep being surprised when you talk about things like other brothers not offering to help when you need a ride to a Dr.'s appt,  ha i was surprised too, it would be different to me, if i was from the area, knew it well, and was merely going for a check up. But my first apt with a new doctor, to get settled in to the system , and get my medication figured out an refilled, i was told to go look up the directions online, and the response i got to asking my Formation / Novice director as to how to go about to find someone to give me a ride, was a nasty look and a reply of go ask around, to realizing everyone was just too busy or didn't want to. So i got lost naturally, missd my first appointment, and had to reschedule ,and everyone got a good chuckle out of it.

More over i have another injury and probably shouldn't be driving, and when i told my formation /novice director, he was really disinterested in the possibility of the dangers of me driving with this injury i know have because i can still technically get around fair enough. So i get to drive myself to an from where i need to go to get help, with the help of a map and my Guardian Angel. An lots of praying while driving.

Basically, unless you are having surgery or it is obvious you are impaired in some fashion as to where you can't drive on your own, then you are expected to take care of yourself.

An if you do not know your way around town, you are expected to look for a map and get to where you need to on your own. an not impose yourself on others especially the formation / novice director.

 

Of course you don't want to be perceived as a baby who goes to the Abbott with every problem, but I guess I always pictured a Novice Master as being more supportive of his young charges.

I think most people think that as well.

What we forget is that just become one becomes a priest , doesn't make him holy or incapable of committing horrible errors in judgement or sin.

Religious an Ordained even the Pope, are still human an still have their faults.

My Formation / Novice master is fickle with attitude and kindness,  I have learned that he hates being asked questions of any sort for any reason, he is gruff by nature and so going to him for any kind of support isn't a smart move. He is quick to point out when i should not be talking, yet doesn't realize that 98% of the time i do not go out of my way to talk to anyone and observe silence times, the rest is when others in the community come to me to talk, or my F/N director is the one who decides to share a joke or chit chat with me when he sees me and it isn't as if i am going to remind him we should not be talking , because then i would look like a wise guy even if i was polite an meant it.

 I have come to realize that this is as good as life is going to get; for me at least. Every place, secular or not is going to have its' problems to some degree, the only choice i can make is, am i going to accept things as they are, or not.

It is just i have so much internal  pain that nothing short of the love of Christ is really going to heal that pain. An the thing is God works at his pace, not mine. So how ever long it takes for things to smooth out who knows. All i can do is to keep moving forward with my cross.

None of the men I am with have done anything " mean " , the thing is i realize i am probably over sensitive, and i get real edgy over any kind of criticism of a negative kind even if it is a correction...  

 

I hope tonight or tomorrow or this week, to write about why I feel like  I was called to a religious life and what i think the tipping point for me was.

[superblue]

 just wanted to pop in, an assure those following me, that I am taking my anxiety medication in the afternoons now and finding myself to be a lot more calmer;  sometimes i hit those rough patches and they can last for a few days sometimes weeks, and then i pull out of the nose dive and get back on course.

Things are picking up around here in a positive way; I have classes that i take on a daily basis now, the only one i do not enjoy is the one i have to take, well old testament and new / with the seminarians in their class room,  Just being in a class room environment again is just draining, and i have ingrained in me negative habits regarding being a class room student, so for the most part in my O.T class i drift in an out of sleep, catching bits and pieces of things, and fight boredom, it is such a shame too just in so many ways.  Thing is, it isn't just me ! My other classes though which are not in the seminary , i enjoy a lot more because they are one on one me an another Novice and the instructor / priest for the subject at hand.

So why did I decide on a religious life.....

I pretty much in hind sight; hit a midlife crisis  i suppose, wondering where my life was going from one dead end job to another after the military, never really finding what i wanted, which was a stable job, wife and children.  I could see more an more that reality was not going to happen. I started to think about the one constant thing in my life that has been holding me together and searching for purpose in my life, and that was when i realized it was my faith in Christ and the Church.   I had off an on growing up thought about being a priest and even halfarserly  approached a parish priest one time on questions i had but didn't properly articulate them an so that conversation went no where.  I started to want to go to Eucharistic adoration after, so i did, an next thing i know i get a phone call from the parish  to be a committed adorer, and so i did, for nearly 2 some odd years from 3am-4am once a week, in that time frame i began dialogue with my diocese what start out as just searching for information in an email request lead me directly to a response from the V.D who suggested we meet, and that adventure began and i became very excited about becoming a priest ( i figured this has to be my calling in life, finally ! ).  I think i stated early on in this thread that it didn't work for me and my diocese, infact i crashed and burned hard in that discernment,  i was unprepared for what i was getting into, i had no idea that the seminary was really a college and that acceptance is more based on grades than zeal and being of an honest heart. So my world came crashing down hard... I literally spent a year putting my life on hold to get into the seminary, my V.D never told me the importance of how the review board would be judging me on my work history, if i was gainfully employed, emotionally stable, living on my own and had good to great grades in high school and college.

Anyhow fast forward out of that mess, i was still in adoration and still volunteering as a religious ed teacher , and volunteering at a homeless shelter as well, to finally getting a phone call from a previous employer whom i temped for, for 2 years full time, but was let go when the work dried up. I was dangled the carrot of being given the chance to be hired full time, to then being told that i would have to temp again, to then saying no thanks and walking literally out the door, for the manager to come chasing behind me an saying oh we were going to hire you full time, ( which if that was the case why not of just done that ? it was obvious a last jab stab for ditching the offer, and he was flat out lying to me and just as dishonest an scummy as he had been years ago ) But that straw was not what broke my back. What did finally change my mind on life was that a coworker there who was fully employed by them, and a very nice guy, who i knew well enough but we weren't really friend friends like after work friends .   During this dance of possibly being hired, the manager informs me that this coworker took his own life, and went into the story. It was heart breaking, but was more heartbreaking was the way he told the story, he told it in such a way as he was trying to convince me it wasn't his fault for firing the guy to begin with when he stormed into his office an started chewing him out for being such a crummy manager. An more over, was the lack of common sense, the lack of compassion this company had for the loss of this person, they never tried to reach out to him to find out why he acted the way he did, it was as if all his years of being a good employee who never rocked the boat never meant a dime. An they didn't even take the time as a small company to send anyone or even go to his funeral. 

It was after finding that out, i decided i didn't want to work for them, and just lied to my former manager and told him i was going back to college and turned his offer down.  I decided I would rather continue what i started, and follow Christ in real way, than just on Sunday, at Adoration and as a  volunteer. I couldn't waste any more time hoping to finish college and find a girlfriend to one day hope to marry, and have my own gig etc....

I decided to look into the monastic life, an eventually that road through the Holy Trinity, my patron saint, the Blessed Mother, my Guardian Angel, lead me to St. Benedict and where I am now.  An the new journey begins. An the road is for me by no means an easy one.

 

 

[Luigi]

I listen to Black Gospel music. There's a recurring theme that shows up over and over again - it fits you. 

"I don't believe He brought me this far to leave me." 

Here's the late, great Fontella Bass singing "I  Don't Feel No Ways Tired" for your consideration and reflection: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i_pLRFLi8So 

Persevere, brother! Persevere. 

Edited October 8, 2015 by Luigi

[TheresaThoma]

Sounds like things are going better for you now. I admire that you have the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other even when it is super hard!

Thank you for sharing a bit more of your story. I too knew the pain of being a temp employee, you just bounce from one job to the next never really knowing when and where your next paycheck will come from. Though on the flip side if an employer is really bad you can get out of it much easier and with much less judgement than a permanent position.

I think many people underestimate the power of Adoration in discerning a vocation. Only in the silence of Adoration can we hope to hear that still small voice.