My Weird Vocation Journey

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Always something;

so we have scheduled adoration on Fridays, and we have to ring bells for our offices of prayer (Church tower bells ), so compline tonight was a big fluffy air extraction for me evidently ( which i might add i do not think should be )

No one here ever shows up for adoration on time as it is not required to attend ( for some odd reason go figure that one out ) but it is from a set time right after dinner until it is time for compline then everything is put back where it is supposed to go, lights go on, bells ring. That is my job, lights and bells.

NOW for some reason i decided to have a brain fluffy air extraction, i know on Friday nights nothing goes right by the book, because everyone here is a major whack a doo, because for some reason adoration from this time to that time isn't really what it is; it means from this time * until we are ready and might be a few minutes late from our regular schedule, why there isn't a * by this so i don't have to make mistakes is beyond me. Tonight i got all backwards and all i could think of was oh i don't have anyone to help me so i better go ring the bell now at the regular time instead of waiting for adoration to end, and then go flip the lights back as adoration ends. I NEVER DO THIS !

Well i knew i was in for it after the fact when i was locking up the church for the night and a semi friend / was waiting for me outside, i always know he has a criticism or is going to ask me to help with something if he is waiting on me, an as i am there i am like okay, an then i find out that the abbot had some super mad look on his face for me ringing the bells !  An i mean sheesh.

But at least my semi friend isn't coy or rude about correcting me on such things , and the abbot never reprimanded me about it,but chances are someone gave the word to inform me of my grievous error ! so i am not really worried but i'll probably apologize about it tomorrow when i see him...

One simple mistake is more often than not, major drama around here as if it is the end of the world.

 

My depression is still a roller coaster ;  i don't know when i will see my mom again nor i don't know if i will be emotionally ready to see her again when the time comes..... but this is the best and only real option i have at following Christ and I try my best to remember to remind myself daily that i have been blessed, despite having to deal with my depression on an ongoing basis.  I am occasionally writing personal prayers in my journal which i find helpful....

 

We all make mistakes. I rang a bell for prayer an hour early once. Nuns came out of their offices to stare at me while I was still ringing the bell and the Novice Mistress asked me what I thought I was doing as the bell wasn't supposed to be rung for another hour. I realised my mistake then (have no idea why I suddenly thought I should ring it an hour early) and felt very embarrassed about it. It is funny though how a simple mistake can seem like such a big deal in such a structured environment.

I'm sure you know all the remedies for depression and what works for you. Take care of yourself.

[Luigi]

This, too, shall pass. 

[superblue]

okay, it is funny when one of the older monks busts out gas in the middle of compline prayer, but evidently is a no no to tell my friend about it afterwards because it is a time of silence, ( as my formation director was actually kind enough to be polite about telling us , and that was actually my fault for being a bit too loud though i did thought i was whispering, though i do tend to whisper really loud ) YET, the same formation director, is more than happy to take the elevator ride up to the 3rd floor every night with me, and crack a joke. an it isn't a big deal.

 

I think the problem was this was outside where probably everyone could hear, yet the elevator is some how better ?

 

So glad we have a strict set of rules that we stick to and follow so as to not give confusion and an air of double standards. !

 

im telln ya the little things, drives me ape. * just a vent *

[hep_rsb]

It is always the little things in life that always end up irritating me the most. If I bear something large, I can comfort myself by feeling heroic, but the small things don't even have that. I'll be praying for strength for you!

A Trappistine abbey I have spent time at explained their speech and silence guidelines in a way that made sense (though your Abbey probably has different guidelines). The silence is to build an atmosphere of recollection, and all necessary work-talk and any casual conversation (jokes and funny stories) should be where no one can overhear.  Not even just not be able to understand, but if you are having a conversation with a sister, it shouldn't be loud enough for anyone else to know that talking is happening, so that their silence is respected. 

Thank you for sharing all of your ups and downs with us here on Phatmass, I hope that you can feel all of the prayers and love headed your direction!  

 

[superblue]

Well i am still taking giant steps forwards to some, an in the benedictine world still making small steps forward. 

but forward none the less i guess is key.  I notice how my emotions flare up over tons of issues, my depression playing a role into things, yet tied into it is my prayer life, more over Christ, God, etc all that good stuff is directly in my mess, my brain, my thoughts, everything is becoming a prayer now because that companionship i had with my mother , is finally over; returning home is no longer an option at this stage in my life; and going to a place of no companionship is making me totally rely on the spiritually real relationships i do have. 

I can see in many ways how truly blessed i am. how far i have come.  I mean i am reading at mass now when i serve, which from an anxiety and depression stand point, is a major hurdle i have breached.... though i am noticing i can sometimes get blurred vision while reading and that is i know for a fact due to the anxiety or me not being fully relaxed and or breathing so i have to watch that ... weird is that i some how manage to continue reading through the blurry moments, and recompose myself when i stumble here n there with out making it an giant mess.  ( plus not having to look at the congregation helps , rather hard to read and look out at the same time. plus what do i really need to look at em for ? )

I have also noticed how i have to remind myself i am in a different world now, where criticism is not meant to demean and belittle ( even when it sounds as if it is. )  I have become too accustom to negativity that my reflexes are built to react harshly and defensively, an i have to make sure i have a good poker face on at all times, so that when i am over reacting in my thoughts , it doesn't facially come out, and also be aware of my actions too so they don't surface, and having a poker face  on for my emotions helps too, because i have so much grief and problems that has been built up in my life, faking being happy sometimes is all i can do to feel even half way normal.  There are a few laughs here an there , an there are more blessings than i write down. here. in fact my next entry here i am noting now, to mention all the positive things that are going on in my life here.

But praying through the pain, through everything, fear, anxiety, lust, you name it, i see how it makes such a big difference, and the thing is, i find my prayer life more effective and prosperous here than i did in the outside world. Other issues i pray for i see time an again being answered and i no longer chuck to coincidence ..  i don't believe any longer in luck either.

but yeah, note to self, hop back here and post the positives . surprise myself and everyone else with that.

[superblue]

okay the good stuff,

I can pray in total silence in my room if i wanted to, which i never could do back at home. I can pray any time i want in church, and at ease.

I am surrounded by good,kind,prayerful,compassionate people. I am slowly learning more about the faith in classes that i am taking. I have put a major crack in the anti-social shell i have been enclosed in. I live on a beautiful property with lakes and critters. More often than not there is someone here telling a joke of some sort ( even if i don't want to hear it ) . Mass with the students and public is very calm ( during ) mass which is a big change .   3 squares a day, recreation time with the community is not as painful as it use to be.  I have found out I do have a few people here who consider me a friend and that i do as well. I pray more, and am learning to listen to God better, and am trying harder to be more open to God and to not resent God or have misplaced resentment towards God.  An i am welcomed by the community 100% and they hope i persevere and stay.  The abbot is more patient , kind, and humble towards me with my mistakes than anyone else in the community.

[beatitude]

It's always good to read about your life in the monastery. I pray for you every day.

[superblue]

Thank you Beatitude,

 

well more updates, i had some issues going on here with another monk / priest, so i waited it out an talked to my spiritual director who is a very kind an patient person and also use to be a parish priest before retiring and coming back to the monastery; and he helped me see things in perspective and also shared that he doesn't care for the person as well at times. So it is nice to know it isn't just me with having to deal with irritations but i was reassured that everything really is fine because i didn't fly off the handle when i had plenty of chances too  and maybe even rightly so. But even still, it is hard to decide in this atmosphere when it is justified to voice ones aggravation with a Brother in a community. An to pick the right time to do it and not wait until one just blows up is the key... I am more of the mindset to just vent else where as things are not horrible here to the point that i felt such problems were to much when i worked a 9-5 job with managers who were real scumbags.  An the people i live with are not scum bags, so even if they talk in a condesending ( spell check ) manner all i can really do is control myself until i can figure out when it is warranted that i need to tell this person to knock it off, which by the way he has figured out to knock it off with me because doesn't complain to my face anymore. he has either left a message on my answering machine which i just erased at the first second of hearing him, which only happened once over guess what a vacuum cleaner of all things as if he was the princess ruler of it.  or he got a fellow postulant to tell me.

Handling stupidity is a bit easier for me to do here and irritating people as well.

Birthdays are not celebrated here at least in this community i dont know about others, so that is kind of sad no cake an ice cream, but my family has sent me cards and small gifts ! so hurray for that. only one more year and then i can set aside vacation days to go home on my bday and after Christmas ( we dont get to leave to go home for Christmas , go figure huh.  something to do with the monastic life an what not )

( joke )

 

okay well. 

 

So there ya go, we are still human beings even in a monastic community, there are still rude people, and jerks, but more often than not , not scum bag people.

[puellapaschalis]

There is so much in all of this that resonates in my own life. Good to know I'm not the only one!

[superblue]

pressure, on top of my anxiety and depression doesn't help me any.

An oddly enough it is positive pressure,  pressure from the community telling me they are praying for me that i persevere , my family; A rock and a hard place of support is where i am. There just is no more quitting, i feel like if i did decide i wanted to leave ( or as my formation director put it " quit " ) that i would be letting the community down/ everyone, including myself. An even though i can count my blessings and see that God really is working in my life, sadly ; i still struggle very hard with depression, more so at night, an no amount of praying will do away with it. I have to constantly find positive ways of distracting myself sometimes even during the day.  Being here is such a mixed blessing and all  I know to do is to take one more day at a time, until either something clicks and things become better or I can't handle my depression by myself anymore and need to be around my family again.

Sadly there is zero support emotionally here; in a lot of ways it  is a lot like the Army, being around men, with zero sympathy for almost anything, especially if one is feeling under the weather and needs a sick day, or even a sick week off.  Such is the life though.  I am oddly comfortable with all of this. My depression does wear on me though, an i have come to realize it is a personal, internal cross to bare.  Much like those who fast, who are told to dress nicely and not draw attention to themselves; I do the same. I put a smile on in the morning more often than not for the right reason grateful for the morning that the night has passed and I can be active for a while and then things gradually catch up and i have to remember to hold on to that smile as to not draw attention to the inner turmoil; as weakness and emotional instability will only get me a one way ticket home before I can fully grasp the transformation taking place.

I probably will persevere considering I did through the Army which was nothing short of hell on earth.  I do hope to put together a book in due time on depression and faith. I think I have some knowledge in that department that might be useful to others at some point.

My prayer life has increased though, I find myself pondering, meditating , and praying in small ways through out the day if not praying the Rosary.

 

 

[John Paul]

Do you have to get up at 5 in the morning?

 

[superblue]

Do you have to get up at 5 in the morning?

 

getting up early for me is not a problem, morning schedules and prayer schedules in general change from Monastery to Monastery; I am up by 530am as it takes me forever to get ready. You can easily visit Monastery websites to find out their prayer schedules. 

Going to sleep and staying asleep is my problem as i have sleep apnea.

[superblue]

And now

 

 

I am officially a Novice.    9/29/2015

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

And now

 

 

I am officially a Novice.    9/29/2015

Congratulations! Was there a special ceremony? Is what you wear different now? Has your name changed?

Do men have a canonical novitiate year?

Edited September 29, 2015 by IgnatiusofLoyola

[beatitude]

And now

 

 

I am officially a Novice.    9/29/2015

You had a beautiful feast day for it.  May the holy archangels pray for you. Those are three formidable companions to embark on a novitiate with!