My Weird Vocation Journey

[superblue]

So my flippant attitude here aside, I have been considering a religious life for a few years now, had my chance with my diocese and now I have been researching for a while and reading up on St. Benedict ( The Rule ) and an order that is in driving distance of me.

 

I see a lot of hope for a productive life in service to Christ and the Church hopefully as a Brother or a Priest,,,, getting there is the challenge,

 

College is moving along, if I get things in gear and my local college doesn't drop classes I need, theoretically I can graduate sometime next year. 

 

My plan was to sometime next year make a come and see visit with this Benedictine order, which is going to happen and I am grateful that I will be moving in that direction.....

 

The " but "

 

I have fallen into I guess an online relationship with a great person, who is states away, and diagnosing things, I see how I value having that connection and friendship and knowing that I am worth something to a woman, it means a lot. The obstacles though are just insane,  like trying to build a ship with no tools and no help.  I try to limit the amount of time I spend talking to her and have been doing good at that,  I am just finding everything so sad, I had a plan, I have been burned really hard in online dating before, I had zero intention of developing another one ever again, I can honestly say I am not spending every minute thinking of her, or wanting to talk to her, I just hate having feelings for her knowing things can not develop due to distance, and a lot of other issues.

 

It would be great to have the financial stability to  investigate this friendship / relationship face to face, and go to a come and see, and then be like okay time to make a decision,  but anyhow, I needed to vent, maybe some kind insight will come along,  I think I am more frustrated that I see it easier to invest into a religious life, and discern with a religious order vs taking years investing in a relationship that is started online, and will take even more time to make happen face to face,  granted both journeys have risks of heart ache, but when weighing the two against each other, staying on the path I have set forth is the lesser risk, and the one with the most potential .  And I am just aggravated at my own I don't know weakness or inability to find a lucrative job where I can say hey look I can do anything.

 

I am also frustrated at how it is easy to meet such great people online and so hard to find this kind of attraction and friendship in my own area.... and it isn't like I haven't tried.

 

anyhow,,

 

Gods' path an all, things will work out for the best some how.

 

Thanks for listening.

[Gabriela]

Do you want advice, or just warm fuzzy "it's ok"s?

[vee]

[superblue]

pretty much VEE8  but that has been with everything in my life, I do not recall one thing I ever planned that went off with out a hitch,  but I am really great at screwing things up, and 60 % of the time I screw things up 100%.

 

and Gabriela , I already know the truth of the matter, I just needed to vent, it is what it is, it helped me to just be able to see it an be able to re read it back to my self probably would be easier to just write it in my journal next time, but least I can enjoy it for what it is while it is here. And it will taper off in due time.... I don't need anyone to pander to me or tell me everything is okay, that is what we pay psychologists and listen to counselors and other people who think they got it all figured out.

 

by a kind word I meant charitable, and constructive.

[Gabriela]

pretty much VEE8  but that has been with everything in my life, I do not recall one thing I ever planned that went off with out a hitch,  but I am really great at screwing things up, and 60 % of the time I screw things up 100%.

 

and Gabriela , I already know the truth of the matter, I just needed to vent, it is what it is, it helped me to just be able to see it an be able to re read it back to my self probably would be easier to just write it in my journal next time, but least I can enjoy it for what it is while it is here. And it will taper off in due time.... I don't need anyone to pander to me or tell me everything is okay, that is what we pay psychologists and listen to counselors and other people who think they got it all figured out.

 

by a kind word I meant charitable, and constructive.

 

I didn't mean for my question to sound snarky or critical. I was seriously asking. Sometimes people post the way you did, and they want people to give them advice about what to do now. Other times they just want people to comfort them with stories of similar experiences. I really wasn't clear which you were hoping for, so I asked!

 

There's a Yiddish saying, "Der Mensch tracht und Gott lacht", i.e., "Man plans and God laughs". I think everyone's life is pretty much like VEE8's graphic. I will say, though, that the ONE time in my 34 years that I did NOT plan a big thing, it went off smoother than anything I ever had planned—because God was obviously behind it.

 

;)

[superblue]

it put me on a lil edge, but eh,,,,  ill say this, I am glad to at least be able to voice thoughts here, than saying it to the wrong person, the only real physical plans like I said that I got, is graduating college next year, and visiting this religious order, hopefully from there become accepted and then enjoy the ride for as long as that lasts.

 

this other stuff is just a distraction and I really need to simmer down.

 

it would be a diff story if I had the financial means and stability. anyhow

 

Glad I posted this here and not ask a psychologist, counselor, or S.D, it is way cheaper, and sheesh ya show one sign of weakness to anyone in real life, and boom run over like a freight train. doors shut faster than they open.

[superblue]

well to whom ever is keeping tabs,

 

I set up a visit with a Benedictine Order, and that is scheduled for a few days in January, I am feeling confident that this time around , it is just a visit, but all visits are really mini interviews for both parties.  Thing is this time I actually took my time before jumping in and really the only thing I am realizing is that the big adjustment I need to get over is the fear of change.

 

I can limit my life by  being comfortable where I am, or I can really trust Christ and do more with my life than I ever expected.

 

This order I am interested is very active, they make lots of things to support themselves and also serve the poor with what they make ,  they have an interest in art which I find appealing as I might actually have a chance to develop my skills as an artist for a change.

 

But again I got slow way down, and just enjoy the ride for a change from now till mid January, specially considering my semester in at my fake college here in town was an epic failure, I could write pages on how much I dislike this college, but meh.

 

 I am really looking forward to getting out of town for a change, and starting a new beginning in the New Year ! it's like for once I will be starting the new year actually doing something new instead of drumming away in the same insanity that I use too.

 

 

[catholicamama]

Is it me or is something up with the phorum?  I can't see  that many new threads?

[TheresaThoma]

We recently switched from this current design to another design and now apparently back to this one. I think a few people are hesitant about posting, I thought it was a glitch but after wandering into open mic aparently it is not. I think people will start to come back over the next few days.

[TheresaThoma]

Superblue, that sounds like a step in the right direction. I can't remember where I heard this but I thought it was really interesting. Remember that it was only after Joesph decided how he wanted to handle the situation with Mary (divorce her quietly) that God told him what God's plan was in the situation. Or in more modern terms, some times the only way for your GPS to figure out where you are at is to start heading in a direction. Don't worry about it being the right direction but just start moving (slowly) and things will straighten themselves out.

[superblue]

Another thing is I realized this " online relationship " I was in, was just an empty relationship, and it is easier to let go of what really was only a friendship at best and to stay grounded in reality ......

 

The real concerns I have, is actually trusting my siblings to keep tabs on my mom and dad, and perhaps I really need to leave the well being of my parents in the trust of Christ more so than my siblings,,,, I know my siblings love my parents, they are not bad people, but they can not invest the time I have spent with them... This process if it leads to more, is going to be life changing not for just me but my family.

 

I have been the one to comfort my mom, and keep the house in check, chores etc... my mom can get around but she is going to have to literally learn to be on her own and even though I have a sister who lives in town, she doesn't understand the need to check in more than just once a week. 

 

I would say I need to have talk with my siblings but sadly it is pointless, it goes in one ear and out the other and all we ever do is just patronize one another till we finally shut up. 

 

Anyhow, when the fears I have finally go to rest, excitement sets in, an I see good things on the horizon, an it is a battle cause fear or evil creeps back in telling me it wont work.

 

 

 

[superblue]

Well my visit is coming up two weeks n 2 days to go, I've realized I need to take a mini note book, with questions I want to ask, so I don't forget when I get there. I don't really have too many pressing questions.... least not at the moment..

 

The big concern for me is, will I be comfortable, and be calm, especially when questions come at me. I tend to get panicky with questions because they are never just a simple question at least in this context, and I tend to dwell to much on why I am being asked a certain question, and what it could mean, basically I over analyze , the analyzing is okay but I can do it too hard an fast and it causes me to get flustered sometimes.

 

so if I can remain calm I think they will see the best of me, and unless this order is secretly doing something bonkers which I doubt, I would like to think this could be a real beginning for me for the new year to a new life in service to Christ and the Church.

 

And I finally remembered to start praying to St. Benedict for guidance and help in this matter, go figure took this long to remember. * shrugs * better late than never.

[superblue]

and I think another good indication is my hope and excitement that I might actually be following Our Lord to where He wants me, is out weighing these false worries an anxieties .. an I can only hope this is what is happening and that I am not just running around like a chicken with its head cut off.

[Era Might]

Live in the world for a few years. The monastery will still be there.

[superblue]

Live in the world for a few years. The monastery will still be there.

 

 

I appreciate the thought, I have for a long long time now, and this isn't my first go around.