Before Anyone Asks...

[AccountDeleted]

I have been away while I worked things out in my head and heart. After much discernment with my wonderful spiritual director (a Benedictine contemplative nun) and a Carmelite priest, I discerned after three months as a postulant, that I did NOT have a vocation to religious life at this time, if I ever did. But that doesn't mean that each and every experience wasn't worth it and that I wasn't called at that moment in time to where I was.

 

I regret absolutely nothing of what has happened in my life during discernment, and despite all of the pain and suffering, there was much joy and peace as well, and I have finally decided that Jesus has His own plans for my life that do not include living in a structured religious environment with rigid rules and regulations, whether those be conservative or liberal. As Catherine of Sienna had to leave her home to work with the poor, so I too, have had to leave the convent, to work with the poor.

 

At the moment, I am living in the far north of Scotland, acting as Housekeeper/Manager of a hostel for homeless people who are sent here by the Council. I have been in Scotland for two weeks and although it is raw and rugged along this northern coastline, I love it already. My ancestors were from Scotland, so I have what is called an ancestry visa that allows me to live and work here, and I felt it was time to find out about the environment that shaped my ancestors.

 

The work isn't too hard physically, although there is a lot of cleaning and organising needed right now, since the last person in my job didn't really put her heart and soul into it. Slowly I am bringing order into the chaos, and the residents are, for the most part, lovely people. I have had the police here several times for various things, and one resident did get evicted for threatening to kill the owner of the property when she objected to him being high on drugs and kicking the h*ll out of everything in his room, but apart from that, I see human beings who are down on their luck and trying hard to pull themselves up again.Most of them are waiting for Council housing, but that can take time. I have seen a family leave to move into their new home, and they were delighted - and left their room spotless - very considerate of them. The drug addict left a mess that took hours to clean up.

 

The town is small but quaint and made of stones and cobblestones, which are so fascinating to an American/Australian who isn't used to so much feeling of  'history'. As it is a fishing village, almost all the men work either as fishermen, in the fish factories or on the oil rigs. The smell of fish is strong, but I love the smell of the sea. The place is cold and wet and windy right now, but not much worse than Melbourne in the winter. The owner of the property lives in a town about half an hour's drive away, so I am responsible 24/7 and have a CCTV in my room to keep an eye who comes and goes, for security purposes. 

 

There is a small but historical looking Catholic Church within walking distance and they have Sunday Mass at the sensible hour of 11.30am, so I can finally sleep in, although last Sunday, the police were banging at the door at 8am. Can't win, sometimes.

 

I pray the Office privately, but since I have been using the American version, I ordered a UK copy online, which should be delivered before Advent starts - that will be so much better, as I much prefer the UK Grail version of the psalms.

 

I have my crucifix over my bed, my picture of Jesus on the wall, my crucifix necklace and my private vows wedding ring. I still feel married to Christ and will always feel this way, God willing. I love him deeply, but as my recent spiritual director told me, "Religious life is changing.We don't know what it is becoming, so we don't know what it will be, but what it is now, may not always be." I feel that way about the Church and about religious life. There is change in the wind. The Truth will always remain constant, but how we express it has changed and will continue to change over time.

 

So, Barb's recent Home Mass with Private Vows might be an indication of how things will be in the future (or at least one version of how things will be). I can not be a hermit, because I have to earn a living. I can not be a CV because I have been married. I can not be a nun because my nature is not suited to that rigidity of lifestyle. I need to respond to the Spirit and to common sense as God reveals them to me.  Like Papa Francis, I want to see Christ in the poor and the needy, the unwanted and the homeless. Fortunately I also have time to pray and contemplate, as well as to spend with those who need help. I am a Carmelite in my heart, a Dominican in my thoughts and a Franciscan in my actions. And perhaps there is a little Benedictine in there as well since I manage this hostel!

 

I parted on the best of terms with my recent Carmelite community and we will all continue to pray for each other. They could see that I needed something different, and so could I. God expresses Himself in nature through so many different flowers, and not all are roses, or violets or peonies, etc. I see myself as a bougainvillea (which unfortunately does not grow here in Scotland) - but it is technically a weed, and it has thorns, but I adore seeing masses of it cascading all over the place, purple or orange or white or multi-coloured, as it does in Singapore and California. I am the weed with thorns, but God can make even that beautiful.

 

So, thank you all for your patience in putting up with my absence. I don't know how much I will post here any more, but perhaps when I see something that I want to comment on, I will do so.

 

All I can say now is that God loves each and every one of us in such a special way, that all we need to do is trust in Him, and He will come as close as we dare to let Him. I have nothing now BUT Him! And how beautiful that is. Jesus is Love Incarnate.

 

:love:

 

 

 

 

[Gabriela]

I am glad to see that you are experiencing peace on your new path, nunsense. May God continue to lead you toward perfect joy!

[be_thou_my_vision]

I can relate to your experience, nunsense. It's hard to feel a little homeless, although I am happily married now, I still feel called to some kind of hidden consecration. I can't quite find what that looks like right now.

Anyway, know of my prayers and companionship with you.

[TheresaThoma]

Nunsense. So good to hear from you. God certainly has many surprises up his sleeves. I'm glad that you have found a place to settle (at least for a bit). Prayers for you and those who you minister to.

[BarbTherese]

Hi nunsense...............It is absolutely wonderful to see you on Phatmass again and, as always, seeking God's Will no matter what that might be and every bit as much in love as ever.  Some saints, The Lord seems to have led by a path that had suffering, yes, but moreso great consolations too.  Others He has led by a path that has consolations, yes, but moreso great suffering.  "I do not ask to see the path ahead, one step enough for me" - and that is about the only way one can follow God's Will I think, assured one is indeed being led to holiness and this strikes me as your way of travelling.

But yet again, I am preaching to the converted!..............as I really very humbly hope and pray that one day I will learn to practise what I preach on the feeling level too.

I know you keep us in prayer, and I have been keeping you in mine daily by name.

 

Warm regards........Barb

PS As always a very interesting and descriptive post.  Thank you so much for sharing of your deepest self once more.  Take good care and you go, girl! :)

 

[fig]

Glad things are becoming clearer for you.
Your job will no doubt have its own rewards - and challenges !
One challenge may be understanding the Scottish accents of certain areas. Possibly Glasgow ? !

I love Scotland and have many happy memories of Youth Hosteling there in my teens.
A truly magnificent & beautiful country but you may need to learn to ski in the winter ....!

Enjoy your work, your church and the Scottish solitude.
Not easy when you are 'living on the job' so hope you have plenty of space & free time.
Take care of yourself Nunsense and spoil yourself occasionally !!


( Have a good Carmelite friend up there and there are amazing views from the monastery garden.)
I also stayed some years ago in a Benedictine monastery/school on the edge of Loch Ness.
Think it has gone now. Again the views were fantastic !! )

[puellapaschalis]

<OFF-TOPIC>

 

I also stayed some years ago in a Benedictine monastery/school on the edge of Loch Ness.
Think it has gone now. Again the views were fantastic !!

 

Being St. Benedict's Abbey, also known as Fort Augustus Abbey, with a slightly (!) more interesting history than the rest of the English Benedictine Congregation. It had been the intention to establish a separate Scottish Congregation but somehow it never took off. Fort Augustus was closed in 1998.

 

This was an interjection from your local nerd. Thank you for your patience.

 

</OFF-TOPIC>
 

[Cherie]

Nunsense, thank you for sharing that with us. I send my prayers and best wishes to you, and hope to continue seeing you here around Phatmass.

[Feankie]

Nonsense, glad you felt comfortable coming back and sharing. Prayers for this new chapter of your life.

[Feankie]

Oops, my auto correct changed it from Nunsense to Nonsense. Mea culpa

[TheresaThoma]

And nunsense a piece of advice about living where you work. Kick yourself completely out of the house at least one whole day a week. I've been in a similar situation and I burned out to the point of needing to leave because I wasn't taking care of myself properly. 

 

[Antigonos]

Amazingly, about 6 hours ago I said to myself, "wonder how Nunsense's doing?" and trying to figure out how I might contact you to ask.  So good to hear from you!

 

All the best, and yes, Scotland -- especially the Highlands -- is a wonderful place.  Keep us informed, please!

[marigold]

Good to hear about what you've been up to, nunsense, and glad you want to share it with us. Your location does sound... delightful :love: and I hope it brings you what you need.

[maximillion]

Lovely to hear from you and thanks for the update. Wishing you well and prayers for you nunsense....I echo what TT said about getting away from your living environment whenever you can to avoid burn out.

[beatitude]

Prayers for you. :) It sounds like you have found a wonderful place to be, and it seems from your post that you are at peace.

 

There are always secular institutes ;) (I feel like I must put in a word for my own crew here!), but I expect you will need some time to find your feet before looking into anything more.