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[superblue]

So it has been almost three years since my application attempt with my diocese that crashed and burned... And I guess i have gone through the stages of rejection and pain , feeling like someone died.....

The scar from it is still there and I am glad, cause if I end up with another diocese or if this diocese some how gives me another crack at it i will be better prepared and more guarded next time....

 

Anyhow ,  i decided to see what it might be like inquiring else where, so i sent an email to an Archdiocese i found, and I kept it short, and i was just flabber ghasted with one of the questions I got back, am i working while going to college.  Let that sink in for a moment .. a very heated question is what it is, to which if one challenges that and asks, why do you ask, the retort could be, it is just a question. But it is more than just a question isn't it.

 

So i just responded the best i could, that i have been unemployed for a while, and there is a bit of a stigma attached for those who are and are looking for work.

 

I found myself getting very aggrivated though and had to calm myself down. Constantly judged on being employed, between me, and a stripper, at least the stripper is working so lets give her a second chance to start a new life / career. Or between me being unemployed, and a lepper, people would be like, well lets help the lepper, rub some ointment on him and he will be good to go.

 

I am on the verge of wanting to lie to everyone and be like yes i am employed if they ask, and then to just create a fake employment history so i can become employed again, and be like seinfield on tv an be like " jerry if anyone calls you have to pick up the phone and say Vandele Industries ! " ....

 

Anyhow so this is what i found out, if i wana start in a new diocese, at least this bishop is wanting a person to have been in the diocese for 1-2 years.  Which is fine, except now think about this, i would have to relocate to an area i have never been to, probably end up still getting a poor paying job since i am majoring in Art, to thusly get established in a new diocese, to then with in this 1-2 year time frame, apply with that diocese and possibly run the  risk of rejection again.  It is absolutely numbingly sick to think about.....  Not like i have anything to lose,  but to risk everything a second time around and even bigger by picking up and moving.....   vs   ........   a religious order,  that  will just about give anyone a chance, and upon acceptance after that first round of interviewing one goes in to start the formation process....... has a place to call home for at least awhile even with no promises, there is almost instant stability in knowing that you do not have to worry about what will happen next.......

 

My interview with my diocese was screwed up, and i felt like such a fool too, being told to write an auto biography, with no guidelines other than put your heart into it...... Had i not composed such a lengthy auto bio, and had practiced being interviewed by strangers whom i would not be introduced to, i think i'd of been better off. But i can't live in the past......

 

I am building up the nerve to start serving as an Extraoridnary Eucharistic Minister,,, my anxiety prevented me before and a lack of a proper suit. So i think this weekend is a good time to go suit hunting....   I was told by the new Vocations director for our diocese that the priesthood is not for me, to move on and that the diocese ( meaning i assumed the bishop , because the diocese is actually a span of miles not a title for a person ) no longer wants to talk to me on the matter.... i found it harsh, but i needed the door slammed in my face to get moving in a different direction, what hurt was that i couldnt get more information on what to work on..... and that they wouldnt be interested in seeing me in so many years or after finishing college..... to fill in a gap after speaking with a MSGR who was in on the interview, we decided it was best not to continue, so i assumed he would pass the word along, and i get a call the next day that it was time for my psych interview an i didnt return the call ( which was inhind sight not the right thing to do but i was in terrible heartbreak and figured the Msgr would have passed the info to the bishop sooner than later.....)

 

Part of me wants till i grad college, and send my bishop a letter to show that i graduated, an copies of my degree and a person psych exam i took on my own, an have it put into my file..... and maybe include an explenation and or request to be reconsidered an the other part of me says screw it go some where else.... but then i think about what it entails an i get so confused.

 

At least right now the only thing i realy have to worry about is finishing college, and getting a suit so i can participate at mass. 

 

I know i feel like i have a calling to the priesthood,, but i am open to a religious order and will be contacting a Benedictine Order sometime next year to see what they are doing...... don't know which way the wind is going to blow though, and talking to my former SD, i don't think would be much help either so mine as well give you funny smellers a crack at what ever.

 

 

love peace and afro grease

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

They tell me expect nothing but gods love. And the psyche exam is compulsary some places now once every year of the noviciate or something, to do with the ability to remain chaste, it is on trial from the vatican in the aftermath of the pedophile scandal.

Edited September 29, 2014 by Tab'le De'Bah-Rye

[superblue]

I can promise ya a psych exam is not going to prevent or assure either male or female is remaining chaste, if someone wants to break a vow, that they have taken with in the Church, they will find a way to do it.

 

and not surprising i never heard back from this V.D that i emailed in response to his questions that he asked me, less he meant it as something for me think about instead of actually replying.  And side note i was not against taking the psych exam, i just had no reason to take it after the board and the bishop had already made up their mind, before i even took the exam. The psych exam was a mere formality to the process, and after that they were going to string me along with  going on a summer retreat to then send me to a summer retreat home to basically i dunno do what, see if i can get a job on my own and finish college on my own, and even then no promises if they would let me into the seminary... it was just a well lets see what happens.  So upon realizing all this before the psych exam i was choked up with fear and anxiety, bit of anger too.  I felt it dishonest and unfair to come to a conclusion before all the facts were present being a combination of the opinions of the board And reviewing my psych exam before making a final recommendation to the bishop, including any observational notes from the summer retreat program they have.

 

Tell ya the truth i don't think i will ever honestly get over this. But hopefully i will learn to forget about it and repress it as i have with other hurtful situations i have gone through in my life.

 

If i learned anything it is that applying for seminary formation is pretty much a one shot deal. with no second chances the irony is, once you are ordained, make all the mistakes you want, you will get all the forgiveness in the world and endless chances to make up for any mistake one has made.

 

 

Life isn't fair, and then you die.

[Nihil Obstat]

Have you considered that the bishop and vocations director might have reasonable concerns about your suitability for the priesthood?

[superblue]

Have you considered that the bishop and vocations director might have reasonable concerns about your suitability for the priesthood?

 

 

well yes, and that is the obvious defensive response to defend the bishop ( i wouldn't include my VD as he was completely just out in the breeze in his role )

 

But see there is the thing, the bishop is always right, the applicant / candidate is always wrong.

 

there is no middle ground in the thinking process if one only wants to look at in that direction, i can agree and compromise only when it is a two way street and reciprocated, but when things are  closed to discussion and are not transparent, nor is there an opprotunity to discuss or hear the reasoning for such a decision then i find a problem.

 

I know i need to grow and adjust and change, make compromises, be open, etc etc etc, but how is one supposed to get there, with zero direction from a VD, no communication on how the process goes, no information about anything just, be ready to leave your job, pack your things for the summer, and lets go, and if we accept you we accept you, if not, thanks for stopping by and we will say a prayer for you.

 

So if i have to consider that the bishop might have reasonable concerns, exactly why does a bishop not need to take the time to talk to the applicant one on one, explain what is going on, and the reason for his decision and thusly engage in a dialouge and be open minded that perhaps a young man, or any applicant needs more individualized scrutiny than just clumping the person into a group and judging everyone on one standard via a closed panel.( which mind you, there was no introduction to whom everyone was )

 

And again that is a retorical question, because i know the answers, the bishop is far to busy, he is of a higher power and grace and nobility he is well educated and far more knowledgable on such things and obedience and respect is tantamount to yada yada yada,  

 

There is more to the story than just is what here i am only focusing on a narrow part, but again yes i did consider the Bishop an the boards point of view. Unfortunately to them it doesn't matter what i think of their opinion as it is not up for debate or discussion in general with them for me to iron out any rough spots or issues they may have had, so all they had to go off of was a brief interview and the assumptions they could make from it at the time with out really spending any time to get to know me .

 

VS me spending over a year discerning and praying over the matter and giving up a job to persue a path of life in service to Christ.

[Luigi]

You seem to have looked at the situation from several points of view, and understand it. 

 

Whether it's fair in your opinion or not, it does seem like the diocese has made a definite decision. In that case, you have no real latitude except to accept the decision. Maybe you'd like for the process to be more interactive, more directive, more consultative, more instructive, more whatever-ive. But the process is none of the above, and I doubt the diocese will change the process quickly or soon. 

 

So, remembering that the bishop and his clerics are led by the Holy Spirit, it seems that your best course of action would be to accept the decision and move on. If that pathway is not where God is leading you, then look at some other pathways. You mentioned the Benedictines - that pathway seems worth exploring further. 

 

It's not always easy to accept God's will, but I think you have to trust that the bishop and his board have expressed God's will to you in this matter. 

[superblue]

And I do Luigi, but it doesn't mean i am not frustrated with myself and the process, it is just taking a bit longer to deal with the fact that i can't fix the situation. And more than one way to skin a cat, Religious orders need priests too!

Edited October 1, 2014 by superblue