Family Acceptance

[totustuus20]

I have recently started discerning, and this past week, I told my parents that I am discerning. At first, it seemed like they were really supportive, but ever since, they have been making subtle hints that this may not be what they want for my life. Is this normal? Will they ever come around? How should I move forward from here?

[Carla]

It is quite normal.We all need to know that starting religious life is not easy for parents, not mater how devoted they are.It is just something natural and we need at lest try understated it.Religious life bring meany sacrifices and parents only want best for their children.

But you also need to know that it is your life and your possible vocation and you need to live your life regardless what others thinks.Sure family is important and their advices and support is very important but your life is your life.

You just need to continue with your discerning and god will help you in any way.I will pay for you.

[SilentJoy]

First, define "normal..."   :hehe2:

 

Discerning religious life can be very difficult on everyone; you're not the only one who would be making sacrifices. You're a significant person in at least a few peoples' lives, perhaps in many, and it is hard for them to think of "losing" you, even if you'll still be in contact. Not only would they miss your physical presence, but they might mourn the loss of dreams that they had for you (maybe they had hoped to see you successful in a career, or happily married, or both...). They might be anxious for your happiness - for example, my dad was very worried about the fact that I might end up in cloistered life with no freedom to do just simple everyday things like head out "on the town" some evening, stop by Taco-Bell, grab some stuff at Wal-Mart...he couldn't picture himself living in such a restricted environment, and he worried that I might be sad there. Maybe they have a lot of fears about a life that they don't understand, or that they, personally, couldn't imagine living joyfully.

 

When I first starting visiting various religious communities, my family seemed to be just fine with it. I brought back souvenirs from the places I'd visited, they asked how the trip was, did I like the people?, etc. Then one day I brought back an application form (so the community wouldn't have to mail it to me if I decided to apply). All of a sudden - DRAMA! They had been hoping I was just satisfying my curiosity, and they were taken aback that I was actually taking more serious steps. They wondered if I was doing it because of low self-esteem, because I lacked higher education, because they'd accidentally done something so horrible to me that I had to just lock myself away from the universe...it took a long time to help them understand that I was pursuing religious life out of love, and also that it could be a wholesome thing to do.

 

Be patient and very gentle with your folks (and yourself!).

[Charbel]

JMJ

 

Wow Carla and SilentJoy, you both make excellent points. And I do agree, it can be quite normal. In my own experience, my parents reacted in a very similar way. They really didn't come around until I had gotten in contact with a community and they visited the monastery with me. I would say to just put all of your trust into Jesus because He will not abandon you. Also, if we think of the lives of the saints, many, many, of them didn't have supportive families or relatives when they wanted to join religious life, and from the many stories and experiences here on PM, you are definitely not alone. You will be in my prayers as well, God bless you and your family in your journey totustuus20.

[marigold]

Hi Totustuus and Charbel! You're both so welcome here! :)

[totustuus20]

Hi All, 

Thank you so much for the advice. I think most of the drama is circulating around the fact that I am currently in an accelerated BS/MD program, and I think it might not be the best place for me to be since the school is secular at best and anti-catholic at worst. I casually brought up the idea of transferring, and at first they seemed cool with it, but they are definitely not cool with it. I am trying not to lose hope, but the situation is certainly not encouraging. I told them that I would like to tell my grandmother and a few people from my church for support, but they told me that I shouldn't do that, because it is better for my vocation to be locked up, and it is better for me to keep it a secret. I am walking the very fine line between continuing to honor my parents (even though I am an adult) and following Jesus.

 

Sorry for the rant, and thanks for all your help!

[SilentJoy]

 I told them that I would like to tell my grandmother and a few people from my church for support, but they told me that I shouldn't do that, because it is better for my vocation to be locked up, and it is better for me to keep it a secret.

 

Hugs and prayers.

 

For the first year or so that I was discerning, I had one slightly clueless but supportive non-Catholic friend that I could talk to sometimes about my interest in religious life, but otherwise I felt like I had no one - not my priest (big parish), not friends from Mass (I'm an introverted convert), not my family (well...maybe my sister). It was a difficult time. When I finally ended up in a penpal relationship with a Sister, she became my only Catholic "discernment friend" (who actually understood religious life!) and that was awkward because she didn't know me in person and could really only help me to discern her community; it wasn't possible for her to help me discern anything else.

 

I got me some fwends and support on Phatmass eventually, and met other helpful people too. If you feel like you need to talk to someone, don't keep it secret!  It isn't something that needs to be broadcasted to a lot of people, but you need a few key people who can help.
 

[blazeingstar]

I have recently started discerning, and this past week, I told my parents that I am discerning. At first, it seemed like they were really supportive, but ever since, they have been making subtle hints that this may not be what they want for my life. Is this normal? Will they ever come around? How should I move forward from here?

 

I don't think that religious vocation is any different than most things in this respect, I'm going to guess that 99.9% of parents regardless of vocation, let thier own human-ness show at times and let their adult children see that perhaps their choices aren't aligned with their dreams.  This could be in a college major, choice of religion, or even choice of where to go to Mass, this could be in a future spouse, or where to live or what house to buy or in clothing.

 

So yes, it is normal for them to try to bring up their concerns.  It is normal for a parent to question the choices of an adult child and want to ask "why" and "have you thought of this".  When I chose to move 7 hours away from my parents for a job (when I had an offer for only an hour away) my mom struggled and I could tell by her subtle hints.  It's worked out fairly well though, and although one of my brothers now lives a few minutes away, my older brother lives 1,500 miles away and my youngest brother lives about 3-4 hours away.  I know my mom still hinted at my one brother up until he baught a house if that far was really what he wanted.  She's settled down now, but you know, it's just a parent thing.

 

Make sure to include your parents on your decision making.  Let them feel like you are not just making crazy decisons.  This won't work for all parents, but for most it will help them realize you're not just following the will'o'whisp.

[marigold]

Are the two issues, a) discerning, and b) wanting to get out of your unsupportive school environment, separate or related? 

[totustuus20]

Marigold, it is a combination, but I think more related than separate. I go to a secular school and there isn't a Newman center or any support for Catholics. I can deal with that by itself, but it is also that my program doesn't have an exit ramp for 12 years. I would get the BS in 4 years, MD in 6 years, finish required residency in minimum 10 years and do a mandatory 2 years of service because I finished the program in minimum 12 years. That is 12 years before entering, and I really don't want to wait that long to enter. (Sorry if that doesn't really make sense).

[blazeingstar]

Marigold, it is a combination, but I think more related than separate. I go to a secular school and there isn't a Newman center or any support for Catholics. I can deal with that by itself, but it is also that my program doesn't have an exit ramp for 12 years. I would get the BS in 4 years, MD in 6 years, finish required residency in minimum 10 years and do a mandatory 2 years of service because I finished the program in minimum 12 years. That is 12 years before entering, and I really don't want to wait that long to enter. (Sorry if that doesn't really make sense).

 

Well, you've got a few things going on here.  The first would be to examine exactly what order needs physicians.  It is quite possible you can find an order that is still committed to the medical field in which you'd be a postulant whilst finishing school then take vows around when you become a dr.

 

I know that there's Salesians who do much the same for teachers, granted that most have a 5-8 year total education 4 years in bach+ 1-3 depending on dicipline and specality (eg english teachers can finish in an year, math teachers take longer and SPED can add another year or two to that for Masters and teching certs). 

 

You're under alot of pressure right now.  Pre-med is really tough.  I'd encourage you to find support online or wherever you can, and consider transfering to a school (maybe another state school) that may have a neuman center.

Edited September 29, 2014 by blazeingstar

[totustuus20]

The order I am currently looking into (Religious Sisters of Mercy Alma, Michigan) does in fact take on individuals who have not finished medical education, and gives their sisters educations in the fields that they need more support, so if I entered there, and they discerned that I should be a physician, they would assist me in finishing my medical education.

I have explained that to my family but they still feel like I am throwing away a medical education. It is a very sticky situation. I do not mind the premed curriculum, and I would probably finish a bachelors degree in biology before I entered anyways, but that would put me at 2 years from entering rather than 12.

[blazeingstar]

The order I am currently looking into (Religious Sisters of Mercy Alma, Michigan) does in fact take on individuals who have not finished medical education, and gives their sisters educations in the fields that they need more support, so if I entered there, and they discerned that I should be a physician, they would assist me in finishing my medical education.

I have explained that to my family but they still feel like I am throwing away a medical education. It is a very sticky situation. I do not mind the premed curriculum, and I would probably finish a bachelors degree in biology before I entered anyways, but that would put me at 2 years from entering rather than 12.

 

I think this is where you may be confusing support with wanting help making a decision. 

 

Your medical education will be used no matter what your vocation.  I gather what your parents/family is trying to get at is what is your part in this discerning process.  Vocation requires obediance.  It is very possible that you could "waste" your medical education.  In the sense that you may not get to be a doctor earning a bazillion dollars.

 

I think, while it is difficult, you need to come to some better decisions for yourself, and lay out other options. 

 

EG, "I want to persue a vocation and that would mean X years here then Y years there then Z years once I'm professed.  I would likely be a doctor in ABC field as that's what the need is, but I'm open to other things"

 

Is not all that different than:

 

"I am not sure where my medical degree is going to take me.  Right now there's a strong push for Psycitrists.  I think that I'm more interested in that than Endocriology."

 

Basically you should be letting them know as a "this is what I hope to do with my degree"  It's not as if you're going to be a cloistered praying all day.  You will be working same as any dr.

 

I know people who's parents cried when they announced the woman would be a SAHM and *gasp* homeschool.  One of those women was even a teacher.  The parents said the exact same things as you're hearing "waste of degree".  Well, honestly, if one wants to claim waste of degree they can clam that about any degree and any transition to any professon.   One could claim that about my business marketing degree.  I've done some excellent work for NPO's in marketing that has had amazing sucess.  But I'm happiest in student services.    Yes, I'm "wasting" my degree, but I need a degree and I'm happy with the job I have.  That's the most important thing.

Edited September 29, 2014 by blazeingstar

[totustuus20]

I think perhaps the issue that I am having deals more with relaying my desires to my parents, as opposed to figuring out what I want. While I am still very much open to God's will and listening to whatever that call may be, I feel like I am being called to finish my bachelors in science and then enter, that way I can become a doctor after. I do not have a preference as to specialty, because that is a long way off, and I feel it best to leave that up to God. While I attempted to present that to my parents in an understandable way, I suppose I came off as saying that I wanted to get a degree and then join an order and do whatever it is they tell me. They would prefer that I get the medical degree so that if the order doesn't work out, at least I have a back up plan. The hardest thing for them understand at the moment seems to be the issue I have with waiting 12 years before entering the convent and beginning formation.

[TheresaThoma]

TotusTuus, 

I went through the same thing with my parents. At first they were supportive but when things started getting more serious they were very upset.

As far as staying at the college where you are at or transferring my suggestion is to stay where you are at. Transferring can be a royal pain and might put you behind by a semester or two. Getting your bachelor's before entering is very smart it gives you freedom to discern (ie you have a fall back plan).