How I Would Approach Discernment Differently Now

[SilentJoy]

I wondered if it might be helpful to have a thread for peoples' reflections on their discernment, especially about how they would go about it differently if they had known then what they know now (which of course they couldn't have known at the time)?  Has there already been an exhaustive Phatmass discussion on the topic?

 

I don't have that much experience, but one thing that I wish I'd understood better a few years ago, is the fact that a religious community is probably not going to have any special insight into the will of God for the discerner's life. They have more experience, and hopefully they will make better guesses because of this, but they can't know. I tried to ignore my mental and emotional reservations, relying too much on the possibility that a community (a very good one!) was a teeny-tiny bit omniscient in encouraging me to apply, and eventually I backed out of a rather depressing and confusing application. I don't regret the adventure and I think it was a necessary learning curve but it is definitely something that I would approach differently now.

[AccountDeleted]

I'm not so sure (for me) that it's a matter of what would I do differently because based on the information and experiences available to me at the time of each one of my decisions (including decisions that had nothing to do with religious life), I probably thought that I was doing the right thing or that I had very few real choices so that one seemed to be the best available at the time. But that doesn't mean I can't use whatever I have learned since then to alter my perspective of the present - that is how I approach things now.

 

The reason I say this is that I think back on choices I made regarding change of job, change of address, relationships etc, and at each time in my life, the circumstances were such that the decision I made - at the time - most likely seemed like either a good decision, or at least a reasonable one. Changing jobs often was beyond my control (being laid off, company closing etc) and deciding to accept another position was often an economic necessity at the time. So perhaps we need not to be too hard on ourselves regarding the choices and decisions that we have made in the past, and simply use them as experiences to help guide us in the future?

 

When I look back on every one of my experiences in religious life, I can see the enormous suffering that I went through, but now that it is behind me, I am grateful for it (only because it is behind me, mind you!) because I think that suffering can (but does not always) teach a person compassion and understanding for others. 

 

I know that in the past I have sometimes felt very detached when someone described a particular problem to me - I could sympathize, but I couldn't empathize - and there is a difference between feeling pity for someone and feeling compassion for them. So sometimes I look at suffering (which often accompanies what we consider to be 'bad choices') as not so much a mistake I made, but a lesson I was offered to learn.

 

I realize that you are saying how would you approach it differently if you knew then what you know now, but since that's really impossible I think it might be more helpful to focus not on what 'should' I have done differently but what 'might' I consider doing differently now if I continue discerning? Just my thoughts on the subject though.

[marigold]

There was quite a good thread called Second entrance: let's get it right this time, which is here http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/topic/134156-second-entrance-lets-get-it-right-this-time/

 

I'm in two minds about what I might do differently now, as I believe my worst sins and mistakes have led to a greater repentance and hope.

 

However if the question is how do I approach discernment differently now, I would say I primarily do it with the weight of knowledge from those previous experiences. Was it you, nunsense, who posted the quote about experience being a hard teacher - offering the test first and the lesson second?

 

I'm less taken in by people talking the talk, and wait to see how they put into practice what they talk about. Some part of me used to think that turning a blind eye was charitable... now I believe that charity is looking reality right in the face.

 

NB - not with regard to people's personal struggles, to which we definitely should turn a blind eye out of love and keep our eyes on our own plate - but when deciding things like who to give your entire trust and life to.

 

Maybe that's most important lesson: it won't work if you keep something for yourself.

 

I want to write more about that idea, but for now:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFtGfyruroU

Edited September 20, 2014 by marigold

[beatitude]

I wasn't really mature enough when I started contacting communities at around the age of eighteen or so. Looking back, the warning signs were there - I was very anxious about the future (although I didn't identify it as anxiety at the time) and I craved some certainty in life, to the point where I was ready to interpret every little thing as a 'sign' from God. For example, I once passed a warehouse labelled 'Carmel' after I had been praying about my vocation, and I immediately thought this was an indicator that I should be a Carmelite! In addition to this craving for certainty, I also had a list of prerequisites that my dream community had to meet, mainly related to apostolate. This again is another sign of anxiety, or at least lack of trust.

 

If I could do it over again, I would have taken a year out for volunteer work before heading for university and found a placement in a Christian community like L'Arche or Taize, a place where I would have had to learn the practical life skills I hadn't acquired (living with others as an adult, budgeting, etc.) but that would also have allowed me to deepen my prayer life in an 'ordinary' setting. I think this would have stilled some of my fears and also helped me to grow as a person and become more trusting. Like nunsense, I don't really regret my past mistakes - I wish I hadn't made them, but what's done is done, and there is no point fussing. But I think that these experiences have given me solid advice to pass on to other young Catholics who may be in the same boat, so I include them here.

[Spem in alium]

I'm quite happy with how my discernment process has gone and how it continues to go, but yes... I can definitely relate to SilentJoy's point about the community not having particular insights; at the beginning I think I thought they would be able to give me some clues about where I should be headed, when they really couldn't.

Not comparing myself and my discernment to the experiences of other people is also a big one. I like to hear other people's vocation stories and testimonies, but often when I heard them I'd start thinking, "That's what I should be doing", "That's what will happen to me", etc. It drew me away from the reality of myself as my own distinct person, experiencing my own unique discernment, and instead pushed me to try and become something I wasn't and likely couldn't be.

Also, I'd make sure that I spoke to fewer people about it. I've told family and several friends about my discernment and my decisions...but in some cases, they've told more friends...etc....to the point where a couple of times strangers have been aware that I'm discerning. It helps me to share with people, definitely, but I think I may have been a bit ambitious in some instances.

I think also that if I could do it differently, I would try and foster a stronger relationship with Mary earlier on. I've not been particularly close with her throughout my life, but my discernment has definitely seen her become so much more important, especially recently - so I think I would definitely seek a more active relationship with her much sooner. I think at times I've definitely underestimated how much she helps and loves.

 

[Yaatee]

Nunsense, it has been a long time since I have been following VS!

 

I am happy to read that you are in a convent/monastery.  Will you tell us where?

[Yaatee]

Re the "Chummy Commoner", I don't look like that!  Wrong gender and much, MUCH older!   *Sigh!*

[AccountDeleted]

Nunsense, it has been a long time since I have been following VS!

 

I am happy to read that you are in a convent/monastery.  Will you tell us where?

 

 

Sorry, no. :)

[AccountDeleted]

Re the "Chummy Commoner", I don't look like that!  Wrong gender and much, MUCH older!   *Sigh!*

 

 

Glad to hear that! :p  

[veritasluxmea]

 I was ready to interpret every little thing as a 'sign' from God. For example, I once passed a warehouse labelled 'Carmel' after I had been praying about my vocation, and I immediately thought this was an indicator that I should be a Carmelite!

Been there, done that! I think there is definitely a tendency when one starts discerning to start thinking like that- see a baby and immediately think one's vocation is to married life, read a bible verse and know it's to religious life, then back to married life, then see a community online and see it as a sign God wants you there.... Basically in my experience God doesn't send "signs" like that so stop seeing them around every corner! 

 

I would also have liked to have known that not every community is perfect. No community is. Some are downright unhealthy. Just because they wear habits and have vocations doesn't mean they are amazing and perfect. Be careful, be aware of unhealthy communities. 

[Gabriela]

I wouldn't do anything differently except chill the heck out and trust God. Like, COMPLETELY. I think too many people assume that discernment has to be agonizingly hard work. It doesn't. Just relax. If God wants to tell you something, you can bet your life He's gonna' make sure you get the message. He's omnipotent, so there's really no need to "strain your ears" (or your heart).

 

I know—and actually thoroughly, deeply believe now—that 99% of the time God is speaking to us, it's by not saying anything at all. I've come to learn that means: "You're on the right track. Keep going. When it's time to turn, I'll tell you."

 

My SD told me over and over again: "God is never late. But He's never early, either."

 

I wish I could have actually internalized that BEFORE my discernment was completely over.

[Lady-Indis]

Thank you all for sharing! It's very helpful. :)

[SilentJoy]

 I think too many people assume that discernment has to be agonizingly hard work. It doesn't. Just relax. If God wants to tell you something, you can bet your life He's gonna' make sure you get the message.

 

:rotfl2:

 

I told God, "You'd better not be trying polite subtlety first! I have Asperger's, you're going to have to be REALLY BLUNT!!"

[Gabriela]

:rotfl2:

 

I told God, "You'd better not be trying polite subtlety first! I have Asperger's, you're going to have to be REALLY BLUNT!!"

 

"Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you."

 

So no worries. If you need bluntness, He knows it!  :like2: