True Story Bro

[dUSt]

So yesterday a phatmasser came to my house with beer. I always support this action.

 

I was fulfilling t-shirt orders, and I came across an order that just happened to be a couple miles from my house.

 

I said, "we should just go take it over there to save the postage".

 

The phatmasser said, "lets" (or something, I don't pay much attention).

 

It is about 9:30pm. Dark outside. 

 

So me and the phatmasser get in my car and start driving with the package. This phatmasser decides to start video chatting with another phatmasser over a cellular phone (my theory is that this phatmasser was showing off the fact that they were with me, because I am so cool).

 

So we get to the house, and I put the package in the mailbox and drive off (like a normal person).

 

The phatmasser says, "we should take it to the door!" (or something).

 

I say, "OK, you take it to the door and tell them it is a special delivery from phatmass, in a 1950's delivery guy voice".

 

The phatmasser agrees.

 

We go back. The phatmasser gets out of the car and takes the package up to the house.

 

I stare at the cellular phone she left in the car, awkwardly starring at the other phatmasser. We do not speak. 

 

All of a sudden, the first phatmasser is running violently towards my car, and yells, "Go! go! go!" (or something like that).

 

I say, "What the freak dude!? What did you do!?"

 

The phatmasser says they left the package on the porch, knocked loudly, and ran.

 

That seems unacceptable to me, so I stay.

 

A large man comes out of the door, and looks at us arguing in front of his house, very confused.

 

The phatmasser yells, "Special delivery from phatmass!"

 

The man stares blankly.

 

"By your feet!!!"

 

The man picks up the package and goes inside.

 

FAST FORWARD TO NEXT DAY >>>

 

I get an email from a young lady about the shirt she ordered being too big, and she asks if she can exchange it. I notice it is the same address that we made the special delivery to the night before.

 

I reply, "Sure. Just send it back or drop it off at the following address..."

 

She replies, "I will definitely come drop it off."

 

A few hours later a young man knocks on my door with a phatmass shirt. He asks for a medium instead of a large. I tell him we are out of mediums but I can make him one in about 10 minutes. He said he'd be back. I go make a size medium. He comes back about 1/2 hour later. I give him a medium and a free CD.

 

He seems very confused about who/what I am. He asks if I am a distributor for phatmass. I say, "Sorta. I built phatmass.".

 

He says, "Like, the whole thing?".

 

I say, "yes."

 

He says, Hi I'm Christopher, are you Gus?

 

I say, "Dust".

 

He says, "Oh, nice to meet you."

 

I say, "Yeah".

 

My three year old daughter appears in the door and says, "Daddy is he taking your shirt!?"

 

I say, "No daughter, that is his shirt now."

[Winchester]

I heard a shorter version. Not a version with less words, but a similar version told by a shorter person.

[Winchester]

I didn't actually hear it. I read it.

[Lilllabettt]

awww ... I kept waiting for someone to pull a knife.

knocking loudly and then beating it is Girl Scout delivery 101. just sayin.

and are you sure you didn't just dream-interface with an episode of Futurama. Cuz it sounds like an episode of Futurama. ETA: Confession: actually I read the whole thing in Zoidberg's voice.  

Would have been more interesting with a knife. 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 19, 2014 by Lilllabettt

[porziuncola]

That was disappointing.

I expected a knife somewhere in there too. I think you should rewrite it.

[MIKolbe]

what kind of beer was it?

 

was it delivered cold and ready to drink?

 

was it "a" beer or a 6 or 12 pak? 

 

12 oz.? 16 oz? 32 oz?  40 oz.?

 

I am assuming bottles not cans, please confirm.

 

You can't just start a story about beer and then put all that other fluff in the story...

 

PRIORITIES!!!!

 

 

 

[MIKolbe]

oh, and were there fuel city tacos involved in this story?

 

 

or any other type of food?

[Credo in Deum]

 

So we get to the house, and I put the package in the mailbox and drive off (like a normal person).

 

 

 

Tampering with mailboxes is a felony offense.

[dUSt]

oh, and were there fuel city tacos involved in this story?
or any other type of food?

Two 22oz bombers of Stone IPA.
Yes, there were tacos involved. I left that part out because they were not Fuel City.

[MIKolbe]

Two 22oz bombers of Stone IPA.
Yes, there were tacos involved. I left that part out because they were not Fuel City.

 

 

That is a righteous story. Masterfully written.

 

I liked the twist at the end about the tacos.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

Good story. I got new insight into the life of the founder of Phatmass. I'm sure the story will be part of dUSt's beatification documents, when he is martyred by a disgrunted Phatmasser who was angy about how many props he/she was given (or some equally "important" issue).

 

The story was fine without a knife--better, IMO. However, the story would be better with tacos--preferably tacos with avocado. I know some prominent Phatmassers are not fond of avocados, but they can simply give their avocados to other Phatmassers who love them. Similar to the biblical story about the loaves and the avocados. (Some of those "modern language" translations of the Bible take a lot of liberties.)

[Lilllabettt]

like seeing you around here Iggy!!!!!!

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

Thanks. I've been lurking a lot lately, but I haven't felt much like talking.

 

It's nice to "see" you too!!

[Nihil Obstat]

Iggy! How are you feeling?

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

Iggy! How are you feeling?

 

Thanks for asking.

 

I had my gallbladder removed on July 21--a little over 5 weeks ago. Most people are pretty well recovered in 2 weeks or so, but not me. :sad: This is probably partially due to the fact that it turned out my gallbladder was very sick--I didn't simply have gallstones, but an "angry" gallbladder (as the anesthesiologist described it). Also, my general health isn't very good in the first place so I expected I'd heal more slowly. However St. Joseph (my "go to" saint, despite my user name) was watching over me, because my gallbladder was removed before it had a chance to "erupt"--if that had happened, the consequences would have been very serious.

 

I've been pretty stoic, and haven't felt much like posting, probably because the location of gallbladder surgery means that it has hurt a LOT to either laugh or cry. In fact, today is probably the first day that the pain hasn't "broken through" the pain meds, which may be why my sense of humor is slowly returning.

 

Thanks again for asking. To anyone who has prayed for me, I appreciate it so much, even though I've been very quiet. I should have posted a "thank-you" earlier.

 

Sorry for going off topic.