When Ugliness Comes Out

[Ash Wednesday]

When you are attempting to grow in holiness, do you find that for periods of time it's like you're reeling in an opposite direction and you find you have to confront outbursts of ugly that come out from within yourself?

 

Since the beginning of the year or so, I've taken steps to try to ramp up my spiritual life -- wanting to transition from lukewarm to fervent, so to speak. In particular I've started a devotion to Our Lady Undoer of Knots and doing the 33 day consecration to the Immaculate Heart. 

 

It's bearing fruit and my relationship with God is growing, but at the same time I've noticed some serious ugly emotions come out from time to time. It's just weird. The first time I prayed the Undoer of Knots novena, I had an episode of grief and anger so bad related to events in my life that I had to go to the restroom at work so I could be angry and sob my eyes out. It eventually passed and I enjoyed a period of great peace.

 

The second time I prayed the novena I had confrontation with someone very close to me, and it was like I was shown a mirror where I could see so many of my flaws. Again, real ugly. Maybe they're just ugly knots that I'm realizing need to be undone and taken away.

 

But recently I started going to confession much more often, and it's giving me so many blessings, but for some reason I'm also finding lately I've been feeling particularly confrontational and angry in a way that is somewhat unusual for me.

 

 

 

I'd be interested to hear about whether or not others experience this, and what they think it is. Temptation? Growth in self-realization? Just needing a vacation?

Edited August 10, 2014 by Ash Wednesday

[MarysLittleFlower]

It could be a way for God to show us more of our faults, to help us improve and grow in humility :) the important thing is not get discouraged! :) God is our strength, not ourselves.

[puellapaschalis]

The evil one will do anything to prevent holiness.

[Catherine Mectilde]

It's only when we try to exercise that we realise how unfit we are and, similarly, it's only when we try to be saints that we realise what sinners we are! This is natural though and it stems from a growing sensitivity to Christ, from that awareness that we are choosing either to love Him or not in all our actions. Developing a delicate conscience is a great thing (though I'm sure you're aware of the dangers of tipping over into scrupulosity). The growth lies in pushing ourselves always to love better. Only in retrospect do we then realise how far we've come, thanks to the imperceptible action of the Holy Spirit working within us.

 

We will fall often, if not constantly, but always "fall forward" towards Our Lord. We bring our weaknesses to Him in humility and say "this is how weak I am WITH Your grace, don't leave my side or I will be even worse!".

 

Although we should check our fidelity to prayer when our "ugliness" flares up, don't be discouraged by the outbursts, I'm sure you are making progress.

[LouisvilleFan]

The Undoer of Knots Novena... never heard of it, but I love the title. Sounds like a keeper.

 

I remember some specific instances when I contronted some inner ugliness, usually in losing my temper over things and being almost shocked at much anger/swearing/etc was able to come up on such a short notice. It felt like a minor demonic possession (not that I know what a real one feels like, thankfully). It was also during a time when I was beginning to see a confessor regularly and I think, in some ways, the comparison to exorcism is actually relevant. Obviously an exorcism is an entirely different ballgame, but I think when we are going through a process of "exorcising" certain demons through regular confession and a stronger prayer life, storms that are bound to arise. It could be an attack from the Evil One, but more likely his attacks are not necessary as the anger and ugliness is already inside us. Rather, they are usually pacified by whatever sins we've adopted to keep them at bay, so when we go about ridding the external sin from our lives, the internal sin rears its ugly head.

 

Our instinct is to return to the devil we know. Don't get discouraged when that happens. Just keep on with the prayer and regular confession. If you haven't already, find a priest whose advice you find helpful and confess to him as frequently as he recommends. The ugliness isn't fun, but it's a sign that progress is being made, and soon enough every storm shall pass.

 

Pardon the cheesy art, but I can't help cueing a little Johnny Cash "Keep Your Eyes on Jesus" in light of Sunday's Gospel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6knp0BjQbHk

 

[Benedictus]

When you are attempting to grow in holiness, do you find that for periods of time it's like you're reeling in an opposite direction and you find you have to confront outbursts of ugly that come out from within yourself?

 

Since the beginning of the year or so, I've taken steps to try to ramp up my spiritual life -- wanting to transition from lukewarm to fervent, so to speak. In particular I've started a devotion to Our Lady Undoer of Knots and doing the 33 day consecration to the Immaculate Heart. 

 

It's bearing fruit and my relationship with God is growing, but at the same time I've noticed some serious ugly emotions come out from time to time. It's just weird. The first time I prayed the Undoer of Knots novena, I had an episode of grief and anger so bad related to events in my life that I had to go to the restroom at work so I could be angry and sob my eyes out. It eventually passed and I enjoyed a period of great peace.

 

The second time I prayed the novena I had confrontation with someone very close to me, and it was like I was shown a mirror where I could see so many of my flaws. Again, real ugly. Maybe they're just ugly knots that I'm realizing need to be undone and taken away.

 

But recently I started going to confession much more often, and it's giving me so many blessings, but for some reason I'm also finding lately I've been feeling particularly confrontational and angry in a way that is somewhat unusual for me.

 

 

 

I'd be interested to hear about whether or not others experience this, and what they think it is. Temptation? Growth in self-realization? Just needing a vacation?

 

Yes, I can totally relate to this. It seems to happen in cycles, like God is peeling an onion. I see it as a cleansing process  and try to perist to gain the graces in the midst of it. But it can be deeply frustrating and push my buttons, at least that's my experience. I also have moments where I go full circle, like a spiritual battleground is occuring (and I get/feel mentally and spiriually exhausted). I also get stuck in 'process' -  so to settle a nagging problem with an issue I'll deconstruct it to pieces. I'll argue everything from counter viewpoints just to see if I can convince myself of the alternate view. I wish I didn't do this sometimes as the punitive aspect of it can be grating, and it can just seem weird.  But it seems to help resolve things in the long run somehow.
 

[brandelynmarie]

Yes, to so much here! I liken this process to surgery...When the surgeon removes a diseased part of the human body, he or she cuts into the healthy flesh as well in order to get rid of it...& it is painful! The effects of our sins & the wounds we have received from others often go deep...& so we encounter layers. Just when we think we have grown in charity & patience, we find ourselves in a situation or with a person who pushes all of our "buttons"! It is continual healing, but also continual growth. Our Heavenly Father wants us to stretch & learn & grow in our spiritual lives. And so when we are tempted & fall, we must as CM stated, "fall forward". :saint2:

My personal solution in spiritual battles is the Jesus Prayer...because it's the Truth. ;) In times of pride, doubt, in times of despair as I look at my own inner ugliness...I use it as a sword & it eventually brings me His peace...

Scripture, a song or another prayer such as the Hail Mary could work as well...

[Seven77]

I think that episodes of ugliness are opportunities for growing in humility and for realizing how much we need God. To paraphrase St. Therese: There are many times when God allowed me to see what I am without him. Falls, for St. Therese, were falls forwards (into the arms of her Merciful Savior), as Catherine put it. Or as I like to say falling up. Whenever I have an episode of ugly, I'm tempted to sadness, thinking "how could I have done xyz?" Note the subtle(?) pride. But I've learned---am stilling learning--to offer that pain of having fallen (the humiliation) as a sacrifice of repartition and as another reason to cry out the Jesus Prayer. Soul deep repentance. If ever we fall may we fall up, heavenward--because thats the direction He lifts us up. Everything that ever happens is an opportunity for holiness...

Edited August 17, 2014 by Seven77

[brandelynmarie]

Amen! Propping you from down here cuz I'm out of props...again. :)

[marianroses]

The second time I prayed the novena I had confrontation with someone very close to me, and it was like I was shown a mirror where I could see so many of my flaws. Again, real ugly. Maybe they're just ugly knots that I'm realizing need to be undone and taken away.

 

But recently I started going to confession much more often, and it's giving me so many blessings

 

Well, some of what you wrote sounds like what the purpose of the devotion is:

 

From Chapter 6, True Devotion to Mary: Wonderul Effects of This Devotion

1. Knowledge of our unworthiness

By the light which the Holy Spirit will give you through Mary, his faithful spouse, you will perceive the evil inclinations of your fallen nature and how incapable you are of any good apart from that which God produces in you as Author of nature and of grace. As a consequence of this knowledge you will despise yourself and think of yourself only as an object of repugnance. You will consider yourself as a snail that soils everything with its slime, as a toad that poisons everything with its venom, as a malevolent serpent seeking only to deceive. Finally, the humble Virgin Mary will share her humility with you so that, although you regard yourself with distaste and desire to be disregarded by others, you will not look down slightingly upon anyone.
 

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

Perhaps the holy mother is calling you to confess that sub concious anger and grief that came to the concious level. I think Grief can become a worship of a false idol, whether it is grieving over a person or object. Ask the holy spirit into your sub concience to reveal all those sins you have failed to confess and confess them, and not just the sin action but the root cause like grief and resentments.

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

DA edit time got me :P

 

 and some of these may have been dormant for years or many years and surface someway or another in your personality and relationships to god, your fellow man and yourself. Undoing knots requires to figuring out how the knot was tied, in otherwords the source, but i believe our lady of untiying knots will assist you in this and help remake your lines straight, alleluia. Perhaps also get a spiritual director if you don't already have one while you do this or ask your parish priest if you can be openly candid in the confessional while you do this that he may aid you in spiritual direction, ie be a temporary spiritual director while you go through with this.

 

God bless you.

 

Onward christian souls.

 

Jesus is LORD.

 

Oh P.s. If your under 18 and living at home with your parents and they are faithful christians than i advise including them in on this journey also.

 

 

[franciscanheart]

Yes.