Question For My Fellow Old Fogies

[Ash Wednesday]

Hmm.

To you "old" people on the board like me, I cup my palms to collect any pearls of wisdom that may dribble from your lips about this matter.

My high school reunion is next month, and I'm kind of torn about going. One minute I think it would be nice to see some of my old friends.

On the other hand, I'm worried about what it will be like to be "tripping down memory lane" in their company and how I will feel about it. Most of them have never lost a parent, and really, I can no longer identify with the majority of them, this being the first year without my mom and all. Just thinking about seeing all these people makes me feel sad for some reason. It's like they represent a past to me that I can't go back to, even if I wanted to.

I'm sure some of them will be wondering why I'm not there, and would love to see me and would be disappointed, but I actually really don't want to go. My best friend is running the whole shenanigan, and she's really been bugging me about it and can't seem to get the drift when I tell her I might not be in town.

Mercifully, this might be the same day I'm testing for my black belt in hapkido, though this might not be the case.

I don't know what to do. Just conveniently be "out of town" and go see my aunt? I kind of feel like I would be a butt for not going, but my heart isn't into it.

So old fogies, did you go to yours? It would be my 10-year reunion.

Help.

[socalscout]

What do you have to lose? It's only one night. Do they have a mixer the night before? Go to that instead of the more formal dinner.

No...I did not go to mine and my 20th is in 2 years and I doubt I will go to that, if they do not have a mixer, so call me a hypocrite.

[Ash Wednesday]

What have I got to lose? How about my mind?

Well, I think right now it's just painful. It won't be fun. I'm trying to figure out a way to bow out gracefully and save face.

I don't want to be rude about it, and I don't want to go into details, i.e. I don't want to state explicitly that it is because of personal reasons because then they will feel sorry for me ("oh the poor thing, her Mom died"), or think I was being weird, or gossip about it. This is why I'm really guarded about my personal life with local friends and acquaintances now.

I was thinking a few months ago that by now I'd be feeling "up" to going.

I guess I'm decided that I am NOT going, but I want to come up with a way to bow out sensibly. I am at the point where I will fill out the basics of my biography and photos I am supposed to submit, to be a "participant" and let people know that I'm alive. But as for the actual socializing, I feel vulnerable and still want to keep my peers at arm's length.

But I think it wouldn't be so awkward if this wasn't all being spearheaded by my best friend, someone who I see all the time (she and her husband attend my parish, too).

[Tony]

this is just me... but I cant wait for the 10 year reunion.. I hope they have 1! I mean I thought for years there was gonna be a 5 year reunion but I did not hear anything at all . Me.. I was just much happier in general back when I was in high school... more friends around here where I live back then.. Im 1 of the few that stayed close to home

[Ash Wednesday]

Normally I would have gone. Last year would have been fine. Next year would have been great. But NOT this year.

I'm just going to beg my instructor to move my test to that weekend, if they can't and must have it the week before, I will just schedule to go over there to work out with other martial artists (because they invite us to come to Seattle regardless of whether or not we are testing), say I have a "martial arts stuff, it's a post-test thing" and be done with it.

I gave my friend heads up ahead of time that my test might be around that time, so I think I can bow out of it this way without creating an awkward situation with my friends. They can know that I'm thinking well of them and doing fine, but scheduling just couldn't make it possible.

I'm really putting too much thought into it, and making this much ado about nothing.

[littleflower+JMJ]

if you dont feel up to it, i wouldn't make yourself go.

its understandable why you wouldn't want to go Ash. and its okay. you know theres peeps in every class who will not only make a 10 yr reunion but a 20 25 30 one as well

tho i haven't gone to a high school reunion, either way i would only go if you felt up to it, if you wotn know till that day comes thats fine too but you call your shots. its okay if you miss it. as long as you decide and think about it and stuff and most importantly are happy/okay wtih the decision

jsut tell your friend to make sure she takes good pictures to share after wtih you

[jasJis]

Don't go.

The reason you don't want to go, is because you will be seeing people who were once close to you, but aren't now, and they will ask about your Mom and re-open the wounds of greif. I can see that you don't want to open the wounds, and can see that these people aren't important enough in your life now to make the sacrifice and sharing your pain for the sake of close friendship.

I never went to any of mine (it's been more than 25 years). But i've been to my wife's who went to the local public highschool. Since I grew up in town (but went to Catholic High) I still knew as many people as my wife. It was fun seeing old friends or acquaitances, but we move on and change and there are reasons we don't see those people anymore. We don't have an intimacy that we used to.

A week later, you don't remember these people anyway. Put your attention and effort to the people who are in your life NOW (including yourself!)

[littleflower+JMJ]

the voice of reason has spoketh

[Lounge Daddy]

[font="Courier"]i didn't go to mine.
why should i? anyone i really cared to talk to back then i still see from time to time today, though not too often.

don't have too much anexiety over something you don't have to do.[/font]

[Sojourner]

Ash Wednesday -- I have been thinking through the same thing!!! My 10-year HS reunion is also next month, and I've been debating whether or not to go. Personally, I'm thinking I probably won't.

My JH/HS experience was really horrible, and I've kept in touch with the people from those years who I cared to keep in touch with. Everyone else, frankly, I don't feel compelled to see because I really have little to no interest in them and their lives. Not that I hate them, just that I don't care to spend time with them.

One of my friends said I should go as an ego booster, to show that I turned out OK after all ... but I don't need that either. Personally, I think these things are pointless.

[homeschoolmom]

Lemme say that I went to a really big high school. I went to my five year (it was pretty much a show off that you turned out decent show) and my ten year-- much better. I caught up with way more people and had a really fun time. I even talked to tons of people I didn't really even know in high school. However, it was one night and I didn't talk to any of those people afterwards. I was busy for my fifteen... my 20 is in a couple of years and if I'm not too terribly busy, I will go.

BUT you shouldn't feel any obligation to go. I wouldn't in your situation. Send a nice letter. I would tell your friend the truth about your not coming. If she can't grasp that it's too painful for you to go, then she is just a little to self involved in this reunion. (kinda like a bride who becomes the center of the universe!)

Spend some time with your aunt if that would make you feel better. Plan to go to the next reunion if you want.

You went to a small high school, didn't you...

[Phazzan]

Ash Wednesday,

I think you should go to your renunion. Does everyone know your mother died? If not, then why tell them? People are going to judge you by how you act. If you're confident and happy, people will think you're strong, if you're insecuar and depressed, then they will pity you.

If you don't want to go, by all means don't force yourself to, but you will probably end up regretting it someday. My mum died when I was 13, and what I have learned is the worst thing you can do is hide from the world, hoping nobody will remember or ask, because they will. There will be times in your life when peers, workmates etc are going to find out about your mother, but I think the best thing is to face up to that reality, accept it, and learn how to deal with it. Maybe you're not at that stage yet, but that's just my opinion.

[Azriel]

I didn't go to my ten, and have no regrets. I probably won't go to my 15 next year.

I totally agree with the wise man, j, up there. Concentrate on the people in your life now.

[socalscout]

It sounds like you know your fellow classmates pretty well. Mine never knew me much when I went to school let alone remember if I went to the reunion.

I did not go to mine because I went to a Catholic Highschool 20 minutes from my house. I came from a public school so I knew only a couple of people when I started the Catholic Highschool(Bishop Montgomery..Go Knights! ). My friends went to the public highschool right by my house so I hung out with them and not my fellow classmates. I had friends at my school but I did not see them once the last bell rang.

I can tell you this, most of the times in my life when I assumed the worst about a situation the best occured. Remember you are not in control so you do not know what might happen then again you probably won't miss much.

Good Luck.

[Ash Wednesday]

*I bit phazzan's head off... edited out*

I come from a small school, and if they don't know, they've had their heads in the sand. Most of them know, even the class president came to the funeral.

I am not going, and I really don't think I will regret it. I'm trying to focus on moving on with life, not tripping down memory lane. This just isn't the year for that. I'll save it for the 20 year.




Thank you jasjis. You hit the nail on the head.

Edited June 9, 2004 by Ash Wednesday