Chaste Same-sex Relationship

[Fidei Defensor]

I prefer to call it an intimate friendship, since relationship has such strong connotations.

 

I've given it a lot of thought. And I came to the conclusion that I am indeed called to a chaste life. But that doesn't mean I can't have meaningful relationships and friendships.  I consider him my "boyfriend," in the world of my mind. It is essentially a strong friendship.

 

Feel free to ask me questions and I can explain as well as I can.

[Nihil Obstat]

Do you have any firm opinions one way or another about the concept of "emotional chastity"? Does that sort of reasoning have a role in your current understanding of prudence in meaningful relationships?

[ChristianGirlForever]

This is a delicate subject, and I'm afraid I might stick my foot in my mouth and offend you. I'll just say that I don't understand how this would work if both you and your friend have feelings for each other. When a guy and a girl have feelings for each other, strong feelings, things can too easily get out of hand. It grows wearisome being on one's guard all the time. I can only imagine it is similar for people of the same sex who are committed to being chaste.

I'm not judging what you're doing. Actually, I laud you for deciding to live a chaste life. I'm really impressed, Tardis. I mean that. It also took courage to post this.

God bless,

Nina

[Credo in Deum]

I prefer to call it an intimate friendship, since relationship has such strong connotations.

I've given it a lot of thought. And I came to the conclusion that I am indeed called to a chaste life. But that doesn't mean I can't have meaningful relationships and friendships. I consider him my "boyfriend," in the world of my mind. It is essentially a strong friendship.

Feel free to ask me questions and I can explain as well as I can.

Not to be mean but it sounds like you're flirting with danger. Just because you say it's "like this or that" to others doesn't change the reality of what it is; especially when you admit that in the "world of your mind" -which I interpret to mean Fantasy Land- you consider him to be your boyfriend.

I've made this same type of mistake before with a "strong friend" and it turned out to be an occasion of sin. Sure you may say "but I'm different' this won't happen to me", and I will respond that I said the same thing. My first mistake was thinking such a relationship could work without sin creeping in. Second mistake was believing that I am entitled to have things as if I'm owed them. I'm not owed anything, in fact as a fallen man I'm indebted to God, and so He doesn't owe me anything -including intimate/strong friendships. Thirdly I did not view myself realistically as a weak and fallen human being who is prone to sin rather than virtue. Fourthly I thought about it more than I prayed about it and so I fell into temptation, just like St. Peter when he told Christ he would never deny Him.

Peter's fall started like this.

1.) Peter thinks about Christ betrayal and affirms he would never betray Christ. Surely others might in such a situation but he won't. Peter thinks he is the source of his strength. His situation will be different from the rest.

2.)In the garden, Peter neglects prayer. At this point Satan's foot is already in the door.

3.) Peter then puts himself in occasion of sin by going to the trial and indulging his curiosity while at the same time thinking he won't fall, even after Christ warned Him he would.

4.) Peter falls and denies Christ three times.

5.) With God's mercy Peter is able to repent and come back; however, can you make any guarantee that you will have the same opportunity?

I say pray about this and then pray some more. Maybe pray for the grace to see chastity not as a punishment but as an opportunity to grow in a love that surpasses all loves; supernatural charity.

Whatever happens I will pray for you, and I hope you will do the same for me.

Pax

[Basilisa Marie]

Credo - so would you say that homosexual people aren't ever allowed strong friendships? 

[Credo in Deum]

Credo - so would you say that homosexual people aren't ever allowed strong friendships?

No, I would not say that. Would you say a boyfriend/girlfriend is the same as a strong friend? Would you treat them the same?

[Lilllabettt]

what exactly do you mean by considering him your "boyfriend?" You're "going steady?" The two of you are exclusive?   

 

if one of my hetero gal pals came to me and said she was in an "intimate friendship" with a hetero guy who "in the world of his mind" considered her his "girlfriend" but it was just a "strong friendship" and neither of them wanted or intended to be romantic with each other ... sorry, but I would tell her she was fooling herself. 

[OnlySunshine]

Seems like you're treading on dangerous territory.  It's understandable and commendable to live a chaste lifestyle, but if you're having same sex attractions, you need to break ties with whomever these attractions are toward.  We are called to avoid all near occasions of sin.  I'd meet with a priest to discuss your problem and ask what should be done.  Also, you might want to check out these resources:

 

The Courage to be Chaste by Fr. Benedict Groeschel

 

COURAGE support group

 

I don't want to sound like I'm condemning you as I understand this is a very real problem.  More often than not, people who struggle with this feel that Roman Catholics treat them as outcasts and they don't belong.  I will keep you in my prayers.

[Lilllabettt]

well I wouldn't go so far as to say people who are sexually attracted to each other can't be friends because its an occasion to sin.

I mean hetero boys and girls can be friends tricky though it may be. So why not two guys who happen to be gay. 

I think it becomes problematic if a relationship becomes intimate in a certain way. For example, in an exclusive way.

 

After all emotional intimacy can be unchaste. Emotional intimacy can be an act of marriage as much as sexual intimacy is. People with their heads screwed on straight know theres such a thing as emotional cheating and it definitely qualifies as adultery. 

Edited July 22, 2014 by Lilllabettt

[beatitude]

I am not sure what you mean by this, Tardis. Sometimes we are blessed with very intimate friendships with people. I have such a friend who lives in New Zealand now, and who is perhaps the only person whom I would be comfortable sharing any thought with. We've been prayer buddies for ten years and she seems to have some uncanny genius for knowing when I'm worried or in trouble - she will pop up online and ask if anything's up. We share a sense of humour and a general affinity that makes me really miss being around her in person. If we didn't live on opposite sides of the world we would like to share a house, and there is a possibility that might happen one day. But we're not sexually attracted to one another and I wouldn't consider her to be my girlfriend, just someone with whom I have a very deep and spiritual friendship. Is this what you're getting at, or is it something more?

[CatherineM]

I had several gay clients in long term chaste relationships, but they were mostly female. One male couple that were chaste then due to age and illness. It can be done, but is hard. There are lots of people who live these kind of relationships due to finances or loneliness. My Mom lived that way for the last 25 years of her life with someone she wasn't married to.

[OnlySunshine]

well I wouldn't go so far as to say people who are sexually attracted to each other can't be friends because its an occasion to sin.

I mean hetero boys and girls can be friends tricky though it may be. So why not two guys who happen to be gay. 

I think it becomes problematic if a relationship becomes intimate in a certain way. For example, in an exclusive way.

 

After all emotional intimacy can be unchaste. Emotional intimacy can be an act of marriage as much as sexual intimacy is. People with their heads screwed on straight know theres such a thing as emotional cheating and it definitely qualifies as adultery. 

 

I thought this is what Tardis meant.  Maybe I misread?  :unsure:

[Lilllabettt]

I thought this is what Tardis meant.  Maybe I misread?  :unsure:

 

 

Well, I don't know what "boyfriend" means exactly, which is why I put a question about that in the queue. But I was more responding to what you posted: 

 

 

 

if you're having same sex attractions, you need to break ties with whomever these attractions are toward.

 

I don't think merely being sexually attracted to someone is reason to "break ties" with them. 

[Fidei Defensor]

I appreciate all of the responses.  

 

I am quite aware of the occasion for sin. Believe me, it wasn't something I just jumped into for no good reason.

 

The loneliness, though, is what prompted me to look into the possibility.  I was not created to be alone. And while I am aware that God made man and woman for each other, I was not created for that particular purpose. I can find love, however. Non-erotic love. With another man. Hence the chastity. We are both chaste. 

 

I understand the apprehension. But its a very gray area. Just keep in mind that I am not sexually active, and we both look to God for our strength to be close friends without falling to the temptations of the flesh.

 

I appreciate the prayers and know I am praying for all of you as well.

[Fidei Defensor]

what exactly do you mean by considering him your "boyfriend?" You're "going steady?" The two of you are exclusive?   

 

if one of my hetero gal pals came to me and said she was in an "intimate friendship" with a hetero guy who "in the world of his mind" considered her his "girlfriend" but it was just a "strong friendship" and neither of them wanted or intended to be romantic with each other ... sorry, but I would tell her she was fooling herself. 

I consider him my boyfriend in that we are only "seeing" each other. Like I said, gray area. Its not really a relationship because it cannot lead to anything more than non-erotic love. But I don't see it as a bad thing to be "exclusive" in that we are very close to one other and not the same level of closeness with others.