Re: "lasts" At Home

[ToJesusMyHeart]

Been having a lot of "lasts" at home recently.

 

Last Thanksgiving at home with my family, last Christmas, Father's/Mother's Days, 4th of July, etc.

 

Well, maybe not, depending on how discernment goes once I'm in the community. Anyway, it's been rough. Rough on my family especially, but also difficult for me. I know God provides the grace to accept these realities, but your prayers would also help.

 

I still have a couple months, and I'm starting to plan my "last visits" with my friends who live far away. I think the hardest part of religious life, for me at least, is going to be the separation from my friends & family. I suspect this is a common hardship and an inevitable sacrifice that must be surrendered.

 

But we're all human, and it kind of stinks to lose contact with everyone (except via letters, which are great, but not the same).

 

Anyway, I just wanted to get that off my chest. Anyone who has dealt with this is welcome to share your experience of coping.

 

Pax,

Katie

[Spem in alium]

I kind of get what you mean. I've not yet got my entrance date, but it will probably be sometime in October/November this year. If that goes ahead, I've effectively already had my last Christmas and Easter with my family, which is kind of hard to come to terms with. I'm getting more and more excited about moving in with the Sisters, but at the same time am becoming increasingly more aware of how short my time left at home with my family is.

 

What's helping me is trying to help them. As you mentioned, I know that it will be a hard thing for me, having to move, but especially hard for them. No matter how smooth the transition is, there will always be a sense of loss or grief that comes, but I am trying to make it as easy a change for them as possible. And I also am consoled through knowing that the Sisters pray for all families - and my family - every day. Praying for my family and knowing that they pray for me is so meaningful for me, and I really cherish that.

Also, focusing on the here and now is helping. One thing that's particularly worrying my family is the "forever-ness" of it all, and that's been quite difficult. Preoccupying myself with the present and encouraging them to do the same - reassuring them we can still communicate, that I'm not dropping off the face of the earth - has been really beneficial.

 

I will pray for you. It's by no means easy.

 

[Lilllabettt]

you know, I did the "last" this/that stuff too - and all it did was make me sad for no good reason. Sat on the front porch crying and hugging my sister for no good reason.  First, because, none of it was actually the "last" - and it wouldn't have been even if I'd persevered. I remember the "last" time I went to the movie theater. I love the movies so much, they're such a part of my personality. "Goodbye forever," I sobbed. Fast forward a year after my entrance and I found myself wearing a habit surrounded by a bunch of nuns --- at a movie theater. 

But besides that ... 

I have come to realize that nothing is the "last" time for anything in this life - I'm never done with the bad stuff and never done with the good stuff either. It will all come round again... whatever the situation is, it is temporary. By the time I'm experiencing it it's already passing away.

 

That's equal parts sad and comforting to me. Now I know I'm gonna be separated from everybody and everything, but I never have to say goodbye to any of them. 

 

anyway, point is if I had that entrance to do over, still believing I would stay -- I would try not to do many "lasts." I would try to keep myself living psychologically and emotionally in the present moment as much as possible, and if I had to do "things" like make the rounds socially I would play it like we're just catching up and "I'll see you in a bit/Come by the convent some time / I'll catch you when I'm in the neighborhood next year. 

[cmaD2006]

I think the only last I would still do ... I did my 1st (and only real) Disney World trip with my mom, my sister, and 10 year old niece (this was at least 10 years ago).

 

That was so memorable, that it was worth it.  Would do it again, time it that way, again.  To see my mom with Chip and Dale (the chipmunks) was precious.

[maximillion]

Agree so much with Lillabett......also, TJMH, what will happen if you discern out? 

 

I know it is very hard, imagining leaving everything and everybody, but that mind set is turning it into a really big deal - for you and for everyone around you.

The person who marries also does lots of lasts and does not get into this sadness.....

 

Yes, be in the moment, you don't know for absolutely sure and certain what will happen, so you can never say anything is the last.

[Catherine Therese]

And sometimes you can be pleasantly surprised, without even having to discern out!

 

During my postulant year, I required surgery, and it was cheaper to fly home to Australia to have the surgery performed than it was to have the surgery in a nearby hospital to the Motherhouse. So I was sent back to Australia in my postulant uniform on 17th December for surgery on 21st December, to return to the Motherhouse about 3 weeks later after my initial recovery to the extent that I could manage international travel independently again. That surgery was a real blessing for me... I mean, sure, having a medical situation that required that level of intervention was a liiiiddddle bit rough, but wow, another Christmas with my family when I thought I'd had my last? Um, amesome :D 

 

Pretty surprising and unexpected events to bring it about, though! So you never know what might happen in the future!! 

 

So many of the spiritual writers emphasise the importance of living in the present moment... and we know through sheer reason that grace is ONLY EVER available to use in the present moment... the graces of the future will be available in future present moments, and the graces and events of the past have been and gone. I'd suggest that if you're thinking that any given event will be your last-whatever, then you're actually failing to appreciate that last-whatever because you're already bracing yourself for the lack of future-whatever. As the Lord said ""Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Let the day's own trouble be sufficient for the day." Mt 6:34

 

What you're going through is hard, I know... but there are so many graces that come of these sacrifices. And faced with the totality of HIS gift to us, these sacrifices really are so little. Try to remember to look at your situation with the light of faith and transcend that natural desire to cling to those goods that are passing away. Know of my prayers for you!!

 

 

Edited July 8, 2014 by Catherine Therese

[Swami Mommy]

I can appreciate your grief over 'last' times, but please do keep in mind that every single day each one of us on this earth faces the potential prospect of 'last' times. We never know the time of our death or how it will occur (no one who instantaneously dies in a massive car crash thought it would be their last ride, looking at passing scenery, listening to the car radio, etc.!), so it behooves us to tread lightly through life with open hands and open hearts, paying attention to the fullness of each moment, knowing that the only thing we can take with us is Love. Keep your attention focused on the love in your heart and don't allow your mind to quantify it, label it, or add a storyline to it. If you find yourself adding an interpretation or self-created drama to a direct experience of the love in your life, try to remember that Love is self-existent and ever-free and is not attached or rooted in a particular person or experience. Find a phrase that resonates with you about the eternity of the present moment and use it like a mantra when you catch yourself thinking about the past or wondering about the future so that you can keep your mind and heart focused on the present moment. Good luck!

[marigold]

I agree it's better not to get too het up about things that might be happening for the last time. But for what it's worth, when I went through that, it gave me a new perspective on experiencing things. To this day, listening to music is a powerful experience that I want to savour instead of having it on in the background; going to see family overseas is amazing because I don't focus on anything but them; ... It sounds sort of 'woo-woo' trying to explain it but ever since then I do experience things much more intensely.

[Immanuel]

I can appreciate your grief over 'last' times, but please do keep in mind that every single day each one of us on this earth faces the potential prospect of 'last' times. We never know the time of our death or how it will occur (no one who instantaneously dies in a massive car crash thought it would be their last ride, looking at passing scenery, listening to the car radio, etc.!), so it behooves us to tread lightly through life with open hands and open hearts, paying attention to the fullness of each moment, knowing that the only thing we can take with us is Love. Keep your attention focused on the love in your heart and don't allow your mind to quantify it, label it, or add a storyline to it. If you find yourself adding an interpretation or self-created drama to a direct experience of the love in your life, try to remember that Love is self-existent and ever-free and is not attached or rooted in a particular person or experience. Find a phrase that resonates with you about the eternity of the present moment and use it like a mantra when you catch yourself thinking about the past or wondering about the future so that you can keep your mind and heart focused on the present moment. Good luck!

 

Here's mine from St. Therese:

 

"....I look only at the present moment, forget the past; and I take good care not to forestall the future.  When we yield to discouragement or despair, it is usually because we give too much thought to the past and to the future."

[cmaD2006]

 Find a phrase that resonates with you about the eternity of the present moment and use it like a mantra when you catch yourself thinking about the past or wondering about the future so that you can keep your mind and heart focused on the present moment. Good luck!

 

Welcome Swami Mommy to Vocation Station (if you've been around for a bit -- sorry, I'm not good with welcoming people here in VS :) )

 

Anyway ... I do want to point out that Swami Mommy is coming from a Hindu background (per her profile), hence her use of the word "mantra."

 

In Catholicism, we really *don't* pray using a "mantra" in the Hindu sense, but we do use repetative thoughtful prayer.

 

For example -- the Jesus prayer ("Lord Jesus, have mercy on me a sinner" or other variations thereof) is a very common repetative prayer.  It's called a "short prayer" (in spanish there is actually a specific name that this sort of prayer is given that doesn't really exist in english).

 

You can use a short prayer to keep your mind and heart focused on God.  That is a good way of saying what Swami Mommy expressed.

 

And to give an example -- when I did the 30 day exercises, I got into the habit of taking two 30-45 minute walks throughout the day (to release some of the stress involved with the exercises -- otherwise I'd go completely batty).  So -- at times I would take the grace that I was using in my prayer time and pray that throughout my walk using a decade rosary.  It could be something like "Lord, let me see what I need to see" or "Lord, open my eyes to see what You see."  And I would pray that throughout the walk.  The focus throughout the walk was on the grace I was asking (begging) the Lord for.  It really made a difference, and when I would enter my next prayer time the grace was evident. 

 

That sort of short prayer, where the focus is kept on the Lord and your mind stays on the Lord (vs. focusing on technique, breathing, or emptying of one's mind) is fine. 

 

Normally I wouldn't speak up ... but because there are so many young pholks reading VS I do need to make sure that (as well as I can) this is clarified a bit.  If there are any follow-up question, especially of a more theological level, feel free to post in the Q&A section so that the Church Scholars can reply.

[krissylou]

One of "my nuns" really liked movies.  She entered quite young, maybe 16 or so (this was "back in the day") and shortly before she entered went off to see "The Dirty Dozen" thinking that was her last movie ever.

 

(Yes, I DO think that's a very interesting choice for a young girl about to enter the convent, but that's another conversation.)

 

But God had the last laugh.  Now she's a movie critic!

[AnneLine]

God has a very funny sense of humor!  And one truly never does know what will happen down the road... 

 

When I went in, I tried not to have too many of those as planned 'last minute' experiences but there always will be some.  And, as Swami Mommy pointed out, we never do know when our ultimate 'last meetings' will be.  So just focusing on really being present with all the people in our lives is probably the best bet. 

 

On the other hand.... one of my more frustrating experiences was getting half way through a courtroom drama novel in the week before my entrance.... and not getting a chance to finish it.  THAT was a mistake... At odd moments, I would find myself wondering about the ending.   The reason I left the community was NOT to finish the novel, but I was glad to finally get a chance to see how it all turned out!!!

 

One needs a balance, I think.   Not only are YOU having some possibly 'last time' experiences... so are your family and friends.   So... maybe change the focus a bit to 'I want to spend some good time with you' and then that will give you the memories you want without the 'don't leave me...' drama piece.

[loveletslive]

i'm sorry you are struggling TJMH! a few months ago i had been obsessing over lasts and wanting to make my "last" everything perfect - but then i was just disappointed/frustrated when my last whatever didn't go according to my plan of perfection. if you aren't already, i'd encourage you to start praying for a spirit of detachment...i asked for it and the Lord gave it...which is making my life a lot easier and i'm entering next month!

 

This line from the Suscipe has helped in praying through the tough goodbyes.

You have given all to me.
To you, Lord, I return it.

 

PS - my two best friends have been in convents for the past 3 years. the lord has been INCREDIBLY generous in arranging meetings for us (outside of whatever home visits they get), and letter writing has really made our friendships even stronger and more beautiful. i reacted as if they were dying when they first entered. sure their canonical year was difficult since there was almost no communication - but in the grand scheme of life, one year without contact isn't very much and we are united so very close in prayer and in our Eucharistic Lord! oh and now i'm entering the same community as one of my friends so yeah...the Lord is so very good to call us both to the same community :)

PPS - have your parents bring your friends on family visit days or call/Facetime your friends from your parents phone when they visit. Knowing I can do this and letting my friends know this makes the separation much less final.

Take heart! Be courageous!!! Praying for you, sister!!

side note: strangely the thing that has been hardest for me the last few weeks was buying my nun shoes today. i was so excited initially, but when i got into the store i almost started crying. and saying goodbye to my newborn goddaughter was really sad too, i shed a lot of tears over that because i'll miss so much change/development in her first year but what a blessing i can be her spiritual mother in such a profound way - praying for her in the chapel!!

Edited July 11, 2014 by loveletslive

[loveletslive]

also knowing about some of the fun things my sisters do to celebrate different holidays makes me excited to celebrate with them / look forward to it & less sad about not being with my own family or missing out on traditions with my friends.

[cmaD2006]

Heh ... actually buying the nun shoes -- I actually *still* use that brand today.  So ... something to think about are the firsts that may be starting to replace the "lasts".