Facing Fears When One Lacks Direction

[Catherine Therese]

I was wondering if anyone had some insight into this. I have done things in the face of fear in my past. I've entered religious life in a country other than my own; and I left religious life when in many ways I would rather have stayed. At least there was a clear way forward in each of those situations, though, where the action to be taken was well defined. I knew what was expected of me in those situations, and so the fear was surmountable. 

 

These days I feel overwhelmed by a sense that I've been given so many gifts, and I don't know how to use them, to put them at His service and give them the chance to be fruitful. I'm actually rather terrified of using them, I suppose fearing that I'll come up dry again, like I did when I tried religious life last time. Its a little bit crippling, this combination of fear AND unclear expectations. 

 

There's almost a parallel with the Apostles crowded into the upper room just before Pentecost... but as far as the Liturgical Year is concerned, Pentecost has come and gone and there was no great injection of courage or any inspiration as to how He wants me to serve. I really had hoped there would be.  

 

Ideas/advice appreciated.

 

Edited June 20, 2014 by Catherine Therese

[AccountDeleted]

CT - I have no wise words of wisdom for you - and from reading your blog, I can see that you are a far wiser woman in your youth than I could ever hope to be even at my venerable and ancient age! :)

 

But I would like to suggest that you might be suffering from something similar to what is often called 'free floating anxiety'. You have so many choices available to you in your life, and this can be daunting and overwhelming and being the deep thinker that you are, you consider all possible outcomes, and some of those might not be desirable so you become fearful.

 

The first suggestion that anyone usually makes is to find a spiritual director - but as I myself know, this isn't always easy in Australia. In addition to prayer, which I am sure you are already doing, I see two other options, both of which I have used. The first is to find someone with whom you can discuss some of these fears - just to get them out in the open instead of dwelling on them in your thoughts - a therapist perhaps? And the second is to speak to a doctor about some possible short term (and I do mean short term) medication relief - but only if you find the fears to be affecting your quality of life.

 

My advice is based on my own experience in both cases. Twice, because I couldn't find a spiritual director, I have had to consult therapists about events that happened in convents and what I should do next. One was not Catholic and one was, but in each case, I found that just being able to talk about my issues was helpful. Once I had told my story and faced my problems, I was ready to make my own decisions and move on with my life. 

 

In the case of medication to help fears, well, the last time I had to go overseas, I started to feel incredibly anxious about flying. Now, I have been travelling in planes since I was 16, both commercially and privately (my father was a private pilot and one of my brothers still is). I have flown in gliders (no engine) and tow planes and both small single and twin engine planes (tail draggers even), and have been flying commercially on almost every airline there is in both good and bad weather. But for some reason, this time I didn't want to get on the plane  - but didn't know why. I started to imagine I was having a premonition of some kind. The idea of death didn't worry me - the fear was something that I couldn't identify - but I think it had to do with loss of control. Reasoning didn't work because my brother (who travels 80% of the year for his job) told me that flying is statistically much safer than driving in a car. I know, I know. It doesn't matter!

 

Finally my sister suggested I go see the doctor to get a prescription for something that would calm me down enough to make the flight (it was a necessary trip). I told the doctor everything that I was feeling and she said simply...  'anxiety is based on irrational fears - you can't talk yourself out of anxiety because it isn't rational'  (rational fears are different - they are real situations that need to be resolved). She gave me a script for Valium - that good old standard, and told me to take half a tablet before the flight and half a tablet during the flight. I never had a nicer flight. I felt perfectly normal - the feeling of anxiety was gone, and even when there was turbulence, it all just felt 'normal'. the next time I have to fly, I won't hesitate to do the same thing again if I start to feel anxious. But as I said before, short term relief to get over an irrational fear.

 

The other thing you mention is the fear of 'coming up dry' the next time you try to use your gifts. I understand this one too -- all I can say is that there are no guarantees in this life, of anything (except maybe God's love :) ). You can do everything 'right' and yet still 'fail'. Life is messy. But if it weren't, maybe we wouldn't realise just how much we need help. It isn't our own gifts and efforts that will make it all come out right - it is God's grace. Just make the best choices you can, based on your affinities and the information you have, and do the best that you can with your gifts and abilities, and then trust that whatever the outcome, you won't be left as an orphan.

 

This year, the gifts and fruits of the Holy Spirit that I received (on a card) at a Pentecost prayer time were Patience and Understanding. Maybe Pentecost happened for you too - but you just haven't become aware of the gifts and fruits that are being given to you yet. Not everyone gets knocked off their horse on the way to Damascus or touched by tongues of flame in the Upper Room! Some of us have to make do with more subtle invitations and inspirations.   :)

 

You are young, gifted and incredibly courageous. If your path isn't clear right now, maybe now isn't the time to do anything. ??  Remember the old saying? 'Let go, let God.' 

[Luigi]

These days I feel overwhelmed by a sense that I've been given so many gifts, and I don't know how to use them, to put them at His service and give them the chance to be fruitful. I'm actually rather terrified of using them, I suppose fearing that I'll come up dry again, like I did when I tried religious life last time. Its a little bit crippling, this combination of fear AND unclear expectations. 

 

This is what Joni MItchell calls "the crazy you get from too much choice." I think it's a common problem, especially for smart people in modern times. 

 

First off, I'm no expert. This is just my response to your question, based on my own experience (not research, not theological insight, etc.). 

 

Second, in terms of prayer - and I agree with Nunsense in that I suppose you're already praying - don't pray FOR anything, just pray ABOUT it. (I'm a word nerd - the devil is in the details, and prepositions are the details of the English language.) In other words, I Luigi personally believe you shouldn't pray "God, get me into medical school" but rather "God, use me as an instrument of your will - you've blessed me with many gifts - let me work with you to renew the face of the earth." 

 

Third, then go about your business, knowing that God is with you. Apply for medical school, or law school, or both, or start a business, or take a job at the l'Arche house. Because no matter what you're "doing" in your life, if you're open to God's will and know that God is with you, then you'll have plenty of opportunities to use your gifts in service to God's people. And you'll be using your gifts as God wants you to, applying them to the people he puts in your path. Rather than you setting up some goal that you choose to create and present to God, which he may or may not actually want. 

 

I mean, say you become a doctor, and say you become quite wealthy as one. Doctors who aren't open to God will keep all that money and spend it on themselves. Doctors who keep God in their lives and are open to his will are probably going to be much more generous with their money, donating to worthy church-based causes and so forth. Besides, doctors who keep God in their lives will probably not charge every patient full price for every procedure, or they'll do pro bono work among the poor, or whatever. The same would apply if you go into law or accounting or any field whatsoever. 

 

I don't believe we're automatons of the Holy Spirit. We're not wind-up dolls that God programs to do X work from the beginning of our lives. We don't have to spend years agonizing trying to "find" what God wants us to do - it would be a pretty cruel and unproductive way for God to get us to do his will, wouldn't it? "The Guessing Game of Life. You guessed wrong! Go to hell! Do not pass Go! Do not collect 200 graces!"

 

God wants us to collaborate (from Latin for "work with") with him, but he gives us the free will to choose what we want to do (in collaboration with his other collaborators) - join a religious order, get married, or stay single; live in the north or the south of the country; teach kindergarten, or practice law, or raise sheep; donate to a foreign mission or a local parish renovation; and so forth. 

 

So the upshot is, do what you want with your life, what suits you, but keep God in your life. You won't come up dry. You'll use and develop your gifts. In ways you'll find surprising but rewarding. 

[AccountDeleted]

This is what Joni MItchell calls "the crazy you get from too much choice." I think it's a common problem, especially for smart people in modern times. 

 

First off, I'm no expert. This is just my response to your question, based on my own experience (not research, not theological insight, etc.). 

 

Second, in terms of prayer - and I agree with Nunsense in that I suppose you're already praying - don't pray FOR anything, just pray ABOUT it. (I'm a word nerd - the devil is in the details, and prepositions are the details of the English language.) In other words, I Luigi personally believe you shouldn't pray "God, get me into medical school" but rather "God, use me as an instrument of your will - you've blessed me with many gifts - let me work with you to renew the face of the earth." 

 

Third, then go about your business, knowing that God is with you. Apply for medical school, or law school, or both, or start a business, or take a job at the l'Arche house. Because no matter what you're "doing" in your life, if you're open to God's will and know that God is with you, then you'll have plenty of opportunities to use your gifts in service to God's people. And you'll be using your gifts as God wants you to, applying them to the people he puts in your path. Rather than you setting up some goal that you choose to create and present to God, which he may or may not actually want. 

 

I mean, say you become a doctor, and say you become quite wealthy as one. Doctors who aren't open to God will keep all that money and spend it on themselves. Doctors who keep God in their lives and are open to his will are probably going to be much more generous with their money, donating to worthy church-based causes and so forth. Besides, doctors who keep God in their lives will probably not charge every patient full price for every procedure, or they'll do pro bono work among the poor, or whatever. The same would apply if you go into law or accounting or any field whatsoever. 

 

I don't believe we're automatons of the Holy Spirit. We're not wind-up dolls that God programs to do X work from the beginning of our lives. We don't have to spend years agonizing trying to "find" what God wants us to do - it would be a pretty cruel and unproductive way for God to get us to do his will, wouldn't it? "The Guessing Game of Life. You guessed wrong! Go to hell! Do not pass Go! Do not collect 200 graces!"

 

God wants us to collaborate (from Latin for "work with") with him, but he gives us the free will to choose what we want to do (in collaboration with his other collaborators) - join a religious order, get married, or stay single; live in the north or the south of the country; teach kindergarten, or practice law, or raise sheep; donate to a foreign mission or a local parish renovation; and so forth. 

 

So the upshot is, do what you want with your life, what suits you, but keep God in your life. You won't come up dry. You'll use and develop your gifts. In ways you'll find surprising but rewarding. 

 

 

Luigi - I support your lovely prayer... "God, use me as an instrument of your will - you've blessed me with many gifts - let me work with you to renew the face of the earth."  It is really an open hearted call to God to be used. I do hope you read CT's blog however (http://lifeafterepiphany.wordpress.com/) because I think that if you do, you will assume that this is already the type of prayer she is making in her heart. This young woman has already turned away from the lure of money (through IT project management) and dedicated her life to coming closer to Jesus and bringing others to Him as well. She's studying for a PhD in theology after already having completed an MA (Theol. St.).

 

It's no wonder she has so many choices - she has an abundance of gifts (read her profile). After my last post I had the thought that perhaps the hardest thing for her right now is NOT to make any choices, but to wait on the Spirit. Just as it became abundantly clear to her that she had to leave religious life (and read her great post on Pope Emeritus Benedict being led by the Spirit to dedicate his life to more prayer - so beautiful), she may also find a time in the future when the Spirit makes the next step abundantly clear as well. It is much easier to face fears when we can identify them, than it is when they seem vague and indistinct. Right now, it appears that there is mostly confusion and fear, and St Ignatius warns that during this kind of experience, it is best to make no changes but to continue on as before.

 

Just some more thoughts.

[Luigi]

I admit that I have not read CT's blog. I responded to what she posted here.

 

But I did start by saying, "I'm no expert." I knew there was a reason I did that!

[AccountDeleted]

I admit that I have not read CT's blog. I responded to what she posted here.

 

But I did start by saying, "I'm no expert." I knew there was a reason I did that!

 

 

None of us are experts here, are we? But we have tasty hearts, and that's what really matters, isn't it? :love:

 

But do read her blog - it's great.

[maximillion]

Couldn't endorse  more what Luigi and nunsense already wrote. All I know is, there is no decision ever made that can't be unmade or re-made......

 

and yes, sometimes not deciding and simply waiting to see where things lead is the hardest.

[Sr Mary Catharine OP]

Dear CT,

I do know what you are going through. I think everyone is there at some point or another.

Some advice given me that I always pass on...spend a lot of time before Jesus in the Bl. Sacrament and entrust your time to Our Lady and ask the question of YOURSELF, "What do I truly want? What is my greatest desire?"

I know, that sounds well, self centered! But if we ask this question united with our Lord in time you will come to see what your greatest desire is and then how that fits in with God's will. If you are truly seeking what God wants there will be unity with his will.

 

Too often we get caught up in secondary things because we don't really know what we truly desire.

 

This question led me to the monastery! :hehe2:

[Eowyn]

I'll second the suggestion of time spent in adoration.  That has been really  helpful to me in my discernment.  

 

Also, there is a book called "The Discernment of Spirits: an Ignation Guide for Everyday Living" by Father Gallagher.  It's a very good read and I've found it very helpful in discernment (whether it's to the religious life or not.)

[Swami Mommy]

Dear Catherine Therese,

     In my own personal experience over a lifetime of trying to utilize my innate gifts to their best possible uses, I've learned that it wasn't so much WHAT I did, as HOW I did it--how much mindfulness of the present moment alone that I brought to any task, that meant the difference between honoring God within my own heart and just going through the motions for some external validation of worth.  It's all too easy to assume that we are the doers of our actions when we come from the ego's need to be in control.  However, when we lose our sense of self in any activity and become the action rather than the 'doer' of the action (in other words, losing the sense of separation between self and object), then our very state of absorption in the task at hand is, in my humble opinion, the fruit of the gift that we are seeking to share with the world.  Our goal is not to complete a task or pick the right career or use the best gift we've been given, but rather, to do any task we undertake with an attitude of love and offering.    There is no definitive right career path--every single path has its own gifts and challenges that present themselves to us to learn how to anchor ourselves in That which is unchangeable as we move through our days.  When we act out of Presence--staying grounded in the heart and losing a sense of doership--then we are using our innate gifts to the best of our ability and their fruits will be made manifest. 

 

 

[beatitude]

Catherine Therese,

 

I've experienced exactly what you're describing. In my own experience, the best thing to do when you're feeling paralysed by choices - especially good choices - is the simplest thing.

 

In my case that meant taking a minimum-wage job with people who had severe intellectual disabilities, similar to L'Arche. In your own case it might be different. But look for the simplest option - not in the sense of the easiest or most obvious one, but the one that will give you space to listen and pray right now.

Edited June 20, 2014 by beatitude

[Catherine Therese]

I typed up a long response (as I am wont to do *shakes head*) and it had a direct response to each of you who had so thoughtfully offered advice... and then hit "send" only to find that I had been disconnected from the internet and that when I went back, what I had typed had NOT been saved. 

 

Probably just as well. I talk too much :D 

 

I did want to respond with a general "thank you" to each of you, though - your suggestions were all VERY helpful and and apt and gave me much to think about, which I have taken to prayer today and I'm sure which will continue to influence and help me. 

 

Nunsense, just as an aside, I was really edified by your support of my blog, thank you! I actually haven't really touched the blog since last year... but you've made me think maybe I need to clean it up and update it. I might help me... and it might help others. We'll see where the Spirit leads me on that one. But thanks so much for the affirmation, it meant a lot to me. 

[AccountDeleted]

I typed up a long response (as I am wont to do *shakes head*) and it had a direct response to each of you who had so thoughtfully offered advice... and then hit "send" only to find that I had been disconnected from the internet and that when I went back, what I had typed had NOT been saved. 

 

Probably just as well. I talk too much :D 

 

I did want to respond with a general "thank you" to each of you, though - your suggestions were all VERY helpful and and apt and gave me much to think about, which I have taken to prayer today and I'm sure which will continue to influence and help me. 

 

Nunsense, just as an aside, I was really edified by your support of my blog, thank you! I actually haven't really touched the blog since last year... but you've made me think maybe I need to clean it up and update it. I might help me... and it might help others. We'll see where the Spirit leads me on that one. But thanks so much for the affirmation, it meant a lot to me. 

 

 

CT - not everyone who can think can also write, and vice versa (sad to say). You are a thinker, that much is obvious from your writing, but you are also a writer - you know how to express what you are thinking in ways that inspire others not only to think about what you are writing, but also to think about what you are thinking. This is deep. These two particular gifts (thinking AND writing) are not given to everyone. So while you are deciding what to do with all of your many other gifts (and I can tell from what you have written that you do have many others), I do hope you keep using these two. 

 

So yes, please do start writing your blog again - your observations are outside the box, and the way you express yourself is 'moreish'. I was fascinated by your post on your exegesis that paralleled Benedict's infancy narratives (http://lifeafterepiphany.wordpress.com/2013/07/30/dont-let-academic-hubris-hijack-theology/ ).

 

I know that your PhD probably absorbs a lot of your reading, thinking and writing time, but I am more than convinced that you could still find time and energy to post something every now and again on the blog - and who knows, what you write on your blog might either spark something you need for your thesis, or even end up being more significant itself than what you write for your academic qualification. I'm glad what I wrote was affirming for you - I feel the same way about your blog - it's life affirming and honest and thought-provoking -- you go for it!

[Gabriela]

I'm also a doctoral student and I lived overseas for many years as an adult, as my own choice. My mother has said to me constantly since I was a child, "You have so much faith." By which she means I'm fearless.

 

I remember one "critical moment" I experienced after a grueling month of weighing which PhD program to join. (I had several offers.) I was at one of the universities that had made me an offer, and the department had invited me to a "Meet and Greet," where former students come to talk to professors and grad students about their career experiences since graduating from the department. The former student at this "Meet and Greet" was some really successful Marketing Director for an international corporation. Her very young daughter was with her. I sat there quietly and listened to this woman talk about all her experiences living in Japan, India, etc. Someone at the table said to her: "Wow, weren't you afraid to just pick up and move your family to all those places?" She answered, "Why be afraid?" in a way that suggested she really couldn't understand.

 

In that moment, I thought to myself, "I used to be fearless. But now I'm afraid all the time." I realized that all my anxiety about which PhD program to join, as well as all the anxiety I'd had over the previous 4 years, stemmed from one thing: failure. I had never failed at anything all the way up until I graduated from college. People only ever complemented me and built me up. Then I entered "the real world" and discovered I couldn't get a job—for years. And when I finally did, I lost it after several years. I dropped out of a graduate program because I couldn't handle it. I really had no idea what my future held, and my immediate past was nothing but one failure after another. I just could not seem to make anything work.

 

But when I heard that woman say, "Why be afraid?" I suddenly remembered my "old self". And the contrast to the me sitting there in the meeting room was like night and day. But thankfully, with that insight came the realization of how it had all happened. I had failed, and now I was afraid I would fail forever.

 

Of course I have not gone on failing forever. But even now, after my first year in a PhD program, I sometimes wonder if I'm afraid of succeeding. I also have many intellectual gifts. I'm smart, I'm a good writer, I'm a clear thinker, an engaging teacher, etc. People tell me I was "born for academia." But I want to be a nun. And in my moments of doubt, I sometimes wonder: Am I just running away from all this success because I'm afraid I won't be able to sustain it? Honestly, even now, "worldly success" feels really suffocating to me.

 

I don't know if that's what you're going through, because your OP is pretty vague (intentionally, I'm sure!). So I just thought I'd share what it reminded me of, and hope that you can find something to relate to in what I've said.

 

I also recommend reading "The Paradox of Choice" by Barry Schwartz. It didn't help me to get past my fears, but as an intellectual (read: geek), it made me feel a little better just understanding the phenomenon a little better. ;-)

 

Here's Schwartz' TED talk on the same topic:

 

http://www.ted.com/talks/barry_schwartz_on_the_paradox_of_choice

 

If you do read the book, don't buy it. Just check it out from the library. It suffers from the same thing most modern nonfiction by scholars suffers from: Redundancy at the publisher's request, in order to make the book longer so they can charge more for it.

Edited June 22, 2014 by curiousing

[Gabriela]

P. S.

 

Maybe also pray Thomas Merton's prayer?

 

 

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

 

 

 

Gotta' love the Merton...  ;)