I Don't Know

[superblue]

I've turn to self consecration to the Blessed mother out of desperation, I went to a healing mass before that out of desperation to put an end to my depression and anxiety ( and realized I failed to my part but had no clue what to even do, the blind man had to go and wash his eyes in order to see, I knew something happened but I didn't realize my part that had to take place until after I sank back into things ) I just found out I have been living with a naval hernia and my doctor acts like it is no big deal, evidently medically it isn't a concern for my doctor even though now I am freaked out about it.  I am also going back to college out of desperation not because I want to major in art, I just don't know what else to do with my life. I am beyond tired of my older sister and two faced self and her drama that she brings, so I cut her out of my life, my parents are getting old before my eyes and I can't stop it nor can I help them with their problems. I can barely fix my own. And God keeps putting people in my life albeit a new born nephew and family friends children, He put em in my life so that I have to think twice when I start thinking about going over the edge.  My out look on life is shot, and even though my faith is turning into desperation for some reason I continue to pray that I can be of some service to Christ and the Blessed Mother.  Though I do not see how I can until my life becomes stable.

 

I am stuck living at home, and it isn't easy, I keep praying for patience and soon after that prayer I get my buttons pushed over nothing and lose all patience. I am forced to seek counseling since my mother refuses to so I am basically getting counseling for the both of us.  And I can not even stomach the thought of going into the workforce again to face the possibility of having once again another horrible manager who is going to belittle me and make my life miserable. If that happens again, I do not think I will handle the situation peaceably.

And honestly, I do not think there is enough medicine in the world, that can kill off my depression and anxiety, and make me a stone that can take more of what the world has to throw at me.

 

The past two days at home have been horrible, I have no hope for the future, no motivation to lose weight other than to not get medically worse off, Adoration tomorrow morning, The Holy Spirit keeps demanding me to go back, and I go , and I dunno what happens, but there is at least one hour of peace when I am actually not feeling anxious or irritated being there.

 

 

I rarely pray for myself anymore, as I am learning there is no point in it, Job had everything taken away from him for a reason, Jonah got kicked around by God a good bi,t and had a worm eat away at the  plant that was giving him shade....  So unfortunately I am pretty sure this is what is happening to me, and it wont stop till I figure out the rest which will be after a few more hardships come my way.