Telling Someone They Do Not Have A Vocation?

[korvesem]

Hi all,

 

I have served in leadership at the provincial level and this question comes up often.  Now I will be giving a workshop on how to do discernments and have been asked to specifically address this.  Would those of you who have served on formation teams in the past (or currently) share ideas/insights/thoughts on how to best inform someone that they do not have the vocation.  I know this is probably one of the harder things formation teams have to do and figure there is some wisdom out there on best practices.

 

Elizabeth M Korves OCDS

[cmaD2006]

I think I am going to suggest that these answers be sent by PM.  Although of course if someone who has been in a formation team feels comfortable answering this question publically feel free.  This seems the sort of question that starts crossing the boundary of what is public vs. what is private to a community.

 

I think that this sort of question has too many nuances to it.  For example -- it is one thing that a candidate does not have a vocation to a particular order/secular institute/third order/etc., and it is something completely different if it is that a candidate does not have a vocation to a particular way of life.

 

I also think that this topic needs to be handled gently, bearing in mind that there are people on this phorum who have had to leave a community/seminary for various reasons.

 

Finally ... korvesem maybe you would want to contact the Institute for Religious LIfe.  They run classes for those who are responsible for formation, and they may have material available that may be of use to you.

 

[SNJM]

Dear Elizabeth,

I think this is important to address publicly. EVERYBODY has a vocation. Whether it is to your particular community or not is a different story. In my work as a Spiritual Director, specializing in vocational discernment, I find myself very discouraged and sad when people are immediately "disqualified" for hard & fast "rules," especially age. We only have to look at the Saints to see what God can do at any stage in one's life. I see the same thing with certain medical conditions which are often used as reasons to automatically tell someone, they don't have a "vocation." I would encourage every community to view each person (female and male) as an individual and go from there. Hopefully, if the vocation is emotionally healthy and spirit-filled and the candidate is truly open to God's will, along with an evolved sense of self, the same conclusion will be reached IF the person doesn't fit in the community. This comes only from relationships and time in getting to know each other. I have seen a lot of VD's place a sense of urgency on the Discerner & this is not healthy. Whatever the reason the person might not fit well into your community, if they don't see it, I hope you have the grace and faith to encourage them to answer God's call and to thank them for even being open to the whisperings of the Holy Spirit. We forget how vulnerable these people are; and those in a position to welcome or formally reject must realize what a serious role this is in the person's life. Again, case by case is best and really the most affirming. You do not want to be the person that shatters someone's soul, which I can assure has happened only too frequently.
Blessings,
Rose

Edited June 19, 2014 by SNJM

[kg94]

I agree with Rose.

 

We all have a vocation. As children of God, we all share the universal call to holiness. It is important to note that a vocation is a calling to service - to serve God in all that we do by giving to Him all that we are. Each person is given a particular charism (gift) and that is part of their vocation. Sometimes, this could, through careful discernment and prayer, mean they end up in a Religious community/secular order/consecrated life etc, or another state of life. However, it is not appropriate for anyone to ever be told that they do not have a vocation, since this isn't true. 

 

Perhaps one way of addressing telling someone who is a candidate if you think that perhaps this community may not be for them isn't to just say, "Sorry, we don't think you are called to this way of life/community etc", but instead help them to discover what draws them to the community/way of life and ask them to think about whether, taking into account all the things they are drawn to and who they are, this way of life is the best way to express all the gifts God has given them?

 

To be honest, that's just my opinion. I'm only a discerner myself, and although I'm pretty sure of where God seems to be leading me, I am still constantly asking Him what He wants me to do...so keep me in prayer and know you have assurance of my prayer. 

 

Love and prayer, 

Kim Lee 

[AccountDeleted]

I think I am going to suggest that these answers be sent by PM.  Although of course if someone who has been in a formation team feels comfortable answering this question publically feel free.  This seems the sort of question that starts crossing the boundary of what is public vs. what is private to a community.
 
I think that this sort of question has too many nuances to it.  For example -- it is one thing that a candidate does not have a vocation to a particular order/secular institute/third order/etc., and it is something completely different if it is that a candidate does not have a vocation to a particular way of life.
 
I also think that this topic needs to be handled gently, bearing in mind that there are people on this phorum who have had to leave a community/seminary for various reasons.
 
Finally ... korvesem maybe you would want to contact the Institute for Religious LIfe.  They run classes for those who are responsible for formation, and they may have material available that may be of use to you.

I agree that this is a very sensitive topic and while it might be better handled via PM, I think that since rejection will affect every human being at some stage in their life (most likely many times), it is also probably a topic of great interest to many people, especially those on VS who have been rejected by communities.

 

It might just be that it belongs in another forum however, and I leave that to your discretion.

 

 

Hi all,
 
I have served in leadership at the provincial level and this question comes up often.  Now I will be giving a workshop on how to do discernments and have been asked to specifically address this.  Would those of you who have served on formation teams in the past (or currently) share ideas/insights/thoughts on how to best inform someone that they do not have the vocation.  I know this is probably one of the harder things formation teams have to do and figure there is some wisdom out there on best practices.
 
Elizabeth M Korves OCDS

 

As a person who has experienced much, much, much rejection in my life, including many occurrences either directly from religious  communities or because of my involvement in them, I felt a certain amount of interest in this thread. It made me stop and think about my own experiences and what could have been done by the person who was responsible for informing me of the rejection, to make things a little easier.

 

I have also been a Vocation Director for a new community and, when I was working in the world, I was a senior manager, responsible for hiring and firing, as well as faculty and staff evaluations. So I do have some experience from both sides. I will focus on the religious side here since it involves not only rejection from another person, but also a perceived rejection from God.

 

All rejection hurts, it doesn't matter how it is delivered, but yes, there might just be some ways that are slightly less painful than others. On a psychological level, there are many things already written about how rejection affects our self-esteem and need to belong, and how it can create feelings of hurt, anger, and irrationality (rejection does not respond readily to reason), so I will leave you to Google the psychological implications for yourself.

 

On a spiritual level, there are many stock, standard responses to rejection, from the all popular 'accept God's will, He has a plan for you', through 'it's all for the best, you will see in the end' to 'this is how God treats all His friends'. I bet anyone here could name at least half a dozen more. Whether or not these platitudes help at the time depends on a number of factors, but that's beyond the scope of this thread.

 

So, although you have posted a very sincere question - there are a couple of things that need to be clarified first. You ask us to 'share ideas/ insights/ thoughts on how to best inform someone that they do not have the vocation.'  [emphasis mine]
 
THE vocation? In your situation as an OCDS workshop leader, I have to assume that you are referring here to a vocation with the OCDS and not just any vocation in general, right? If not, then it would be good to know exactly what you mean by THE vocation. Ok, the next thing I have to assume is that you are also referring to a vocation with a particular community, as opposed to every other OCDS community in the world. Am I assuming correctly? You state that you are giving a workshop - possibly to more than just your own OCDS community? So you want to keep the talk general, as in 'How does one inform a candidate that they do not 'appear' to have a vocation to a particular community?'  Am I on target here? Because if your topic is about telling a person they have NO vocation to any kind of community, then I think we are entering dangerous territory.

 

The reason I use the word 'appear' is because no human being is infallible and only God knows if a person definitely does not have a vocation (to anything) - and mistakes can be made, in all sincerity and with all good intentions. It is even conceivably possible that the person in charge of vocations feels someone doesn't have a vocation simply because of some very human prejudice or personality clash - that they are not even aware they have. But even if the candidate genuinely does not have a vocation to a particular OCDS community, that does not mean that they have NO vocation to any OCDS community or even to religious life (depending on circumstances).

 

So how things are expressed is very important in the rejection process. And, as in business, it is always best to 'sandwich' the bad news in between good news. It gives the candidate time to process the information, face the rejection, and walk away without losing all face completely. 

 

Hopefully, if the candidate has been going through a period of introduction and evaluation of some kind, there have been occasions along the way in which the vocation leader can direct the candidate's attention to areas of concern (attendance, interest, concentration, study, assignments, participation, etc). That way, the candidate should not feel 'blindsided' when s/he is finally told that for these various reasons, it has been decided that there is not a good fit between the community and the candidate. 

 

Has the candidate been given every opportunity along the way to improve and address the issues of concern? Does the candidate have a clear understanding of the expectations of the community? I am assuming that all of these things have been addressed prior to a decision being made but since your question did not address them, I just bring them up for consideration.

 

I know this is too long for most people to read, but it is also important to note... is the candidate psychologically sound? I ask this because often one of the reasons a person is found not acceptable for either an OCDS community (yes, I do have some experience with OCDS as well as OCD) or a religious community, is because, through no fault of their own, they are psychologically or emotionally, or even socially challenged in ways that make them unfit for a particular community. And this is not to write off those with mental illness as being unacceptable for every activity, but simply to point out that it is a priority for a community to establish as much of a balance as possible - for the benefit of the whole community - and even with these safeguards in place, communities often end up with personality clashes and dysfunctional behavior. So it is perfectly logical that they try to do what they can to improve the odds. This means that there will necessarily be some people who are not considered a 'good fit' for that particular community, even if they might fit in well somewhere else.

 

Disclaimer: those making the decisions could still be wrong, and send away someone who could have helped the balance, but human error is part of reality.

 

So, best practices? Prepare the candidate in advance by letting them know the issues along the way, and when it comes to the crunch of decision time - good news first (come on, there must be some good things about the person that you can tell them to boost their self-esteem?) - then the bad news in as gentle (but firm) a way as possible, such as 'After careful consideration, we just don't feel that our community is the right one for you, so we won't be proceeding with your application.' Then say something positive like 'With your sincere desire to serve God, we encourage you to do some more research into other secular groups, or even to get more involved in your parish life.'  so, in effect, you have sandwiched the bad news in between some compliments (good news). It won't remove the sting, but it might give the person enough dignity to be able to accept the decision (at least in front of you), and offer some hope that they aren't totally rejected by God (as well as by your community). If there is a chance that the person could be considered at a later date, then make sure they know this too, but don't offer false hope if the decision is final.

 

The key ingredient in all rejection, as far as I am concerned, is Humanity. Just think how it would feel if someone were telling you that you weren't good enough for them (in effect, that's what the person is going to hear).  Be human, be kind, be conscious that it's going to hurt and cause grief, and the grief is a terrible force to unleash on a person because they could go either way - towards God or away. And maybe, if time allows, follow up a week or so later with a phone call to see how the person is, and to let them know that they are still thought of. That way you can gauge if they need some pastoral care from their parish team.

 

Jesus already told us how to do it. Treat each person as you would wish to be treated.

 

 

Edited for typo but also to say - don't use the methods that were used on me at two different convents:

 

Novice Mistress to me, "You should leave, you don't have a vocation anyway." 

or

Prioress: "I can't teach you anything here that you can't learn in the world, I want you to leave tomorrow."

 

:) what doesn't kill you................................................ sure hurts. Be kind. :love:

 

 

Edited June 20, 2014 by nunsense