Choosing Single Life.. Is This Ok?

[Blue.Rose]

Is it ok to choose single life? Not that I want that but if for whatever reason I don't make it to the convent I'm not going to start dating just so I have an official vocation.
Is it ok to just stay as a single person or should a person look at getting consecrated somehow?
Has anyone here chosen single life or ended up in this state due to not being able to enter religious life (and want to stay single?)

[Spem in alium]

I don't see why it wouldn't be okay if a person is doing so for the correct reasons. An acquaintance of mine is discerning becoming a consecrated virgin; a path which appears to be making her very happy. Not sure about your area, but in my parish they seem to have a bit of information about consecrated single life. If it is something that genuinely interests you, it would be worthwhile to check it out.

[Sponsa-Christi]

Hi all—after taking a break from VS for Lent, I decided to try coming back after all. :) I’ve just been swamped with work for the entirety of the Easter season!

 

I sort of feel compelled to share my usual public service announcement for this type of topic: women really shouldn’t look in to discerning consecrated virginity unless they feel a positive call to the specific charism of this vocation. Consecrated virginity is actually very different from what we normally mean by the term “single life,” and it is a much more challenging vocation then it might appear to be from an outsider’s perspective. And in my opinion, I don’t think that a woman who becomes a consecrated virgin as a “last resort” will ever be able to live her consecration as fully as a woman who feels specially called to consecrated virginity and embraces this vocation as a deliberate choice.

 

But more to the point here, while it’s good to understand different vocations in the Church and how they relate to each other, I think focusing too much on the “categories” can make us run the risk of missing the forest for the trees. Ultimately, we have to remember that God created us as unique individuals and He therefore relates to each one of us in very individual ways.

 

We might be tempted to put ourselves and each other into boxes, but this is not the way God works! At the end of our life, when we meet God face-to-face, He’s not going to ask: “So, tell me about your canonical status?” but rather: “Were you the person I created you to be?”

 

Although it has (rightly!) been said a million times here, it bears repeating: The real goal of discernment is simply to follow God’s will for you. Even if we don’t consider the single life to be a “vocation” in the exact same sense of the word as something like the priesthood is, this doesn’t mean that there aren’t still some people who might serve God best by remaining single laypeople.

 

So if you were honestly and sincerely to discern that God’s actual will for you was to remain single (or maybe to make a purely private vow), then there is absolutely nothing wrong with this

[marigold]

However, we often come to considering things because other avenues have branched off in an unexpected direction, or turned out to be dead ends.

 

To answer your specific questions, no you don't have to date if you don't go into religious life. Yes, it's okay to stay single. No, you don't have to formalise it with a consecration.

 

We need Beatitude to come and answer the last question!

[freedomreigns]

I do understand the point that consecrated virginity in itself should not be embraced as a "last resort."  That being said, for someone who would feel called to consecration and other avenues are closed to them, I think it would be something to look in to.  Not to say that that woman would necessarily find that this would be her vocation, but sometimes just by the circumstances of life God can direct us in ways we would not have initially thought of.  I really agree though, that consecrated virginity is a specific vocation in itself and should not been seen as "the next best thing" for someone who had found that religious life was not an option for them.  So basically, I think it would be worth investigating and discerning on its own terms- "Is this way of giving myself to God my vocation?" 

 

As for me, after leaving the convent, I have not dated and have considered a private vow or a secular institute.  Over the years, however, I have come to be more at peace with being single, and do not feel so much interior pressure to "find" my vocation, or to "make it official."  The Lord has given me a new direction to my spiritual life, however, in a group of women dedicated to Adoration, Reparation and Spiritual Motherhood for priests.  And, maybe I don't have a "vocation" in the strictest sense of that word, but I do trust that the Lord is more interested in my desire to know and love and serve Him than in my "canonical status" as Sponsa Christi pointed out.  Ultimately, it doesn't matter so long as I am doing the Lord's Will.  

[BarbTherese]

Is it ok to choose single life? Not that I want that but if for whatever reason I don't make it to the convent I'm not going to start dating just so I have an official vocation.
Is it ok to just stay as a single person or should a person look at getting consecrated somehow?
Has anyone here chosen single life or ended up in this state due to not being able to enter religious life (and want to stay single?)

 

The single state of life or the celibate lay state is recognised by The Church as a potential call and vocation from God and it has its' unique role in the life of The Church laid out in detail in the decree on "The Apostolate of The Laity" http://www.vatican.va/archive/hist_councils/ii_vatican_council/documents/vat-ii_decree_19651118_apostolicam-actuositatem_en.htm

 

In the lay celibate state (single life) it is not necessary to seek out being publicly consecrated (if this is what you mean) somehow by The Church, which would mean that one is no longer in the lay celibate state, but in consecrated life.  It is going to depend on God's Will in one's life and discerning same.  The lay celibate state (single life) is a unique vocation in it's own right.  There is a transitional state of lay celibacy (single life) where the person cannot as yet decide, or is discerning, what their vocation and call might be and this is a call from God to live in the state of lay celibacy while discerning and seeking and in most cases this will be a transitional state not a call from God for the rest of their lives.

 

Probably largely pre V2 "vocation" was confined in Catholic cultural consciousness to the priesthood and religious life or the consecrated state which does also embrace Consecrated Virgins, the Eremitical Life and Secular Institutes.  Marriage as vocation arrived a little later on the scene and really found it's feet post V2 in Catholic cultural consciousness.   The lay celibate state as potential vocation is arriving even later and can still struggle to be recognised as a potential vocation and call from God - but in our Catholic cultural consciousness only since The Church does affirm the single celibate state as a potential vocation.  How one is going to define that vocation is a matter of discerning God's call.  Some may be called to private vow or vows, others not.  But as a lay single celibate, how we are to live is defined in The Apostolate of The Laity (link quoted above)

 

  l I think that every baptised person has a personal call and vocation from God to seek holiness in a particular manner.  Another way of stating "vocation" is to say a call to live out a certain role and related service in and to The Church.

If one does not know what that call and role might actually be, then the way to travel, to my mind, is to seek out spiritual direction.  After all, it is really a matter of discerning God's Will for one's life.  My personal and humble opinion is that no-one should consider the single state of life, which is the celibate lay state in The Church, without spiritual direction and on an ongoing basis. 

 

For a baptised Catholic seeking to live out their baptismal commitment fully and as a follower of Christ and His Gospel - seeking holiness and Unity, I don't think "vocation" per se can ever be a matter of "I can't do anything else" or similar - meaning that one is reduced to the 'lowest state' vocation wise as it were, rather than a quite positive choice and embrace of God's Will for one's life. The former does exhibit a real need for spiritual direction leading to growth and maturing in the spiritual life - i.e their relationship with God.

 

 

Sacra Virginitas

ENCYCLICAL OF POPE PIUS XII
ON CONSECRATED VIRGINITY

http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/pius_xii/encyclicals/documents/hf_p-xii_enc_25031954_sacra-virginitas_en.html

 

6. And while this perfect chastity is the subject of one of the three vows which constitute the religious state,[9] and is also required by the Latin Church of clerics in major orders[10] and demanded from members of Secular Institutes,[11] it also flourishes among many who are lay people in the full sense: men and women who are not constituted in a public state of perfection and yet by private promise or vow completely abstain from marriage and sexual pleasures, in order to serve their neighbor more freely and to be united with God more easily and more closely.

 

 

 

 

 

DOGMATIC CONSTITUTION ON THE CHURCH
LUMEN GENTIUM
SOLEMNLY PROMULGATED BY HIS HOLINESS
POPE PAUL VI

http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/index.php?app=forums&module=post&section=post&do=reply_post&f=17&t=134306&qpid=2677520

 

Furthermore, married couples and Christian parents should follow their own proper path (to holiness) by faithful love. They should sustain one another in grace throughout the entire length of their lives. They should embue their offspring, lovingly welcomed as God's gift, with Christian doctrine and the evangelical virtues. In this manner, they offer all men the example of unwearying and generous love; in this way they build up the brotherhood of charity; in so doing, they stand as the witnesses and cooperators in the fruitfulness of Holy Mother Church; by such lives, they are a sign and a participation in that very love, with which Christ loved His Bride and for which He delivered Himself up for her.(11*) A like example, but one given in a different way, is that offered by widows and single people, who are able to make great contributions toward holiness and apostolic endeavor in the Church.

 

[beatitude]

However, we often come to considering things because other avenues have branched off in an unexpected direction, or turned out to be dead ends.

 

To answer your specific questions, no you don't have to date if you don't go into religious life. Yes, it's okay to stay single. No, you don't have to formalise it with a consecration.

 

We need Beatitude to come and answer the last question!

 

You called? :P

 

Blue Rose, when we think of vocation, I think it is easiest to think of it as a simple choice to love God and your neighbour. You choose whichever way you think you can love Him best. That is it. It is no more complicated than that. As Marigold says, there is no need for a single person to formalise their way of life with a special consecration - your life is already distinguished by the love and kindness of God, and that can be enough. Sometimes I think we make this whole business of 'discernment' much more complicated than it needs to be, to the point where I have started to dislike the word a little bit. It's all about love. Nothing more. Nothing less.

 

I'm a candidate with a secular institute, as I do feel a strong pull to live by the evangelical counsels of poverty, chastity, and obedience, even though as yet I don't even know what they mean! Poverty in particular has a hold on me. I'm fascinated by the beatitudes, 'blessed are the poor', 'blessed are the poor in spirit'. Initially I looked into religious life, because this was the only form of consecrated witness that I knew about, and when I first heard about secular institutes I was put off by how plain and uninteresting they seemed - no beautiful veils, no intricate daily liturgy in common. It took time for me to learn the value of being 'hidden'. It was a maturing process. Then I stumbled across a secular institute that is inspired by a pair of saints with whom I have a very special rapport for a number of reasons, and with a spirituality that fits me like a glove, so I wrote them a letter and that was that.

 

It might be that in your discernment, you find that religious life isn't the best way for you, as I did - or it might be that you're perfectly at home in the convent. My advice would not be to think about fallback options. It's not as if you're choosing a career. Go to what attracts you, and everything will take care of itself. Keep an open heart for God and you'll end up where you're meant to be.

[AveMariaPurissima]

A priest friend of mine recently told me that it's not so much that you have to "discern religious life" or "discern marriage" or "discern single life;"  the important thing in discernment is to discern, what does God want me to do?

I know, it's a subtle difference, but I think it's a good way to think about it.  As long as your focus is on seeking what GOD wants you to do, whether that turns out to be religious life, single life, or marriage, then you're headed in the right direction.

[Norseman82]

Is it ok to choose single life? Not that I want that but if for whatever reason I don't make it to the convent I'm not going to start dating just so I have an official vocation.
Is it ok to just stay as a single person or should a person look at getting consecrated somehow?
Has anyone here chosen single life or ended up in this state due to not being able to enter religious life (and want to stay single?)

 

If you read the CCC, there are many forms of "consecrated life" (see the section on "virginity for the sake of the kingdom"), so it's not an either/or choice of "convent" or "consecrated virgin".  Additionally, if one convent does not accept you, there may be another that does, it's just that you haven't found it yet.  It's like a person who has the vocation of marriage, but is single because he/she hasn't found he right person to marry yet.  (And you never know, you may find someone to marry and may see God's Hand in your not being accepted into the convent).

 

True story - Cardinal George originally attended the Chicago archdiocesan seminary system, but was unable to continue due to his polio.  However, he was accepted into the OMI seminary program and was ordained in that order. 

[MarysLittleFlower]

Is it ok to choose single life? Not that I want that but if for whatever reason I don't make it to the convent I'm not going to start dating just so I have an official vocation.
Is it ok to just stay as a single person or should a person look at getting consecrated somehow?
Has anyone here chosen single life or ended up in this state due to not being able to enter religious life (and want to stay single?)

 

I'm discerning between religious life and single life... the type of single life that I'm discerning is something like what St Catherine of Siena, St Rose of Lima, etc, lived. (though of course I'm not at all like them, but I mean the pattern of prayer/acts of charity/etc that is common to the Third Orders then :)). If I were to do this, I'd probably join a Third Order and make a vow of Chastity? I know some people also get officially consecrated like into a secular community... and others are Consecrated Virgins of course. I know there's a lot of debates about whether being single is a vocation, etc, or if it's just religious life or marriage, - but I mean people like St Catherine were called to this life.. I think what people talk against is being single without any commitment. If you make a commitment to God and make a private vow or something, or get consecrated, then you're not just single, you belong fully to Him. :) just my understanding....... I got confused researching about whether being single in this way is a vocation (I mean if you're somehow consecrated or made a vow of some sort) - but since there were Saints like this, I assumed it's a vocation too?
 

[MarysLittleFlower]

A priest friend of mine recently told me that it's not so much that you have to "discern religious life" or "discern marriage" or "discern single life;"  the important thing in discernment is to discern, what does God want me to do?

I know, it's a subtle difference, but I think it's a good way to think about it.  As long as your focus is on seeking what GOD wants you to do, whether that turns out to be religious life, single life, or marriage, then you're headed in the right direction.

 

great point! :) it only matters what God wants us to do :)

[MarysLittleFlower]

I'm discerning between religious life and single life... the type of single life that I'm discerning is something like what St Catherine of Siena, St Rose of Lima, etc, lived. (though of course I'm not at all like them, but I mean the pattern of prayer/acts of charity/etc that is common to the Third Orders then :)). If I were to do this, I'd probably join a Third Order and make a vow of Chastity? I know some people also get officially consecrated like into a secular community... and others are Consecrated Virgins of course. I know there's a lot of debates about whether being single is a vocation, etc, or if it's just religious life or marriage, - but I mean people like St Catherine were called to this life.. I think what people talk against is being single without any commitment. If you make a commitment to God and make a private vow or something, or get consecrated, then you're not just single, you belong fully to Him. :) just my understanding....... I got confused researching about whether being single in this way is a vocation (I mean if you're somehow consecrated or made a vow of some sort) - but since there were Saints like this, I assumed it's a vocation too?
 

 

Just to add... I don't mean that if you're not consecrated, you haven't made any commitment to Him. I'm talking about the difference between choosing the single life to follow God's Will, and just being single unwillingly while really wanting something else, and not being committed to being single.

[BarbTherese]

The duties of the lay state are spelt out in "The Apostolate of The Laity", whether one is single or in the lay celibate state by choice or otherwise i.e. a transitional state to some other vocation.  The lay celibate call (vocation) is to commit oneself to the lay celibate state in some manner and for love of God and neighbour or "the sake of the kingdom" - and intrinsic to this lay celibate vocation is that one does remain open to a further call from God - it may happen it may not.  Some think this is a lack of real commitment.  It is not, rather it is a possibly different kind of full commitment to how it has been traditionally understood.  The gift of celibacy "for the sake of the kingdom" is not given to all.  Nor is single lay celibacy taking 'the easier road' - this latter would be to deny that God calls all to holiness and will provide all The Graces, all the crosses and sacrifices necessary in a journey to arrive at holiness of life.  All a question of response.

 

Being in the lay celibate state but not one's choice means that one is discerning some other vocation or perhaps desiring to follow some other vocation might be more accurate.

If one is committed to taking one's baptism and the vocation to holiness seriously, one can do no better than to seek regular spiritual direction.  Pope Benedict did highly recommend SD for all the baptised. http://www.zenit.org/en/articles/pope-recommends-spiritual-direction-to-everyone

 

Certainly, I do think that lay single celibacy as one's vocation in life should not be undertaken without spiritual direction and understanding what one is actually committing oneself to and why, one's motivation - well, more accurately possibly firmly on the journey of understanding.

[marigold]

Well said.

[BarbTherese]

:)