Grandpa Dying

[tinytherese]

The nurse predicted that he has 1-2 weeks left. He had kidney cancer and then it came back.

I feel guilty for being relieved that he's in his last days.

Until recently, he spent day in the living room on a recliner, often asleep. He used a walker and sometimes a wheelchair to get to the bathroom with the help of at least one other person. A nurse would come to bathe him. Grandma eventually had to have his meals at his recliner instead of the hassle of getting him to the table.

I've been coming over to where my grandparents live a few times a week to help take care of him. My mom proposed the idea of having me live there. It looked as if that was what was going to happen. Yesterday, he got worse and we found out that he is going to die soon.

I'm relieved because there were some issues that needed to be addressed regarding me living there. I planned on moving in, but I knew that there would be difficulties.

My uncle who also lives with my grandparents isn't easy to be around--he's grumpy and gets upset easily. I've been making progress as far as defeating my social anxiety and I want to be around other people than my family and therapist, but how can I be sociable when my grandma is needs my help with grandpa?

I've been unemployed for over a year, don't qualify for unemployment checks, live with my parents, don't have a whole lot of money, and I won't be covered under the medical insurance of my parents in November and I really need it for the prescriptions that I already have as well as for therapy. I've been trying to find jobs with flexible hours that I'm capable of doing.

Then there's figuring out what the right hours would be and transportation issues. I didn't want to stress my Grandma out further or to be a burden when I'm supposed to be there to help.

I feel guilty for being relieved that my Grandma won't be having the stress of taking care of Grandpa and that I won't be as stressed in regards to job hunting so that I'll be able to get my own health insurance, taking a further step in being independent, and being a burden. I shouldn't be relieved. I shouldn't be happy that my grandpa is dying. That's selfish and sounds like I'm for euthanasia.