Family Interactions

[chrysostom]

I've always been allergic to interpersonal conflict, sometimes to a ridiculous and unnecessary level.  I often find ways to avoid talking about subjects with people that would cause any sort of tension, and while this isn't always bad, I've noticed some troubling things about my family interactions recently.  It's mainly this:  I've become too good at keeping my face expressionless.  It's partly to avoid precipitating reactions from others, but it also is related, I think, in a sort of detachment or withdrawal of my own wishes, thoughts, and emotions, especially regarding those subjects that would cause conflict if expressed.

 

It's not like I have a list of grievances simmering underneath.  Life is fine and I have no complaints.  I don't even know if I need or want to change anything - my needs are truly more than met and my chief worry nowadays is my soul so very out of shape for the pursuit of holiness.  I guess I've just become aware of this contrast between my thinking and desiring many things but then not letting a bit of it show on my face in case I meet with pushback.

 

Any thoughts?  :)

[Perigrina]

Some people just seem to naturally be conflict-avoiders.  It has both advantages and disadvantages.  You might find it helpful to think about it in terms of the traditional temperaments: choleric, melancholic, sanguine and phlegmatic.  These categories are not good if one uses them to put everyone into boxes, but they can be useful for understanding certain characteristics. 

 

One good book on the topic is The Temperament God Gave You by Art and Laraine Bennett.   http://shop.sophiainstitute.com/Temperament-God-Gave-You-The-P78.aspx

 

I'm pretty sure this book has advice for people who have a tendency to avoid conflict, but I was not paying much attention to that part.  As you might guess, it does not really apply to me.

[Credo in Deum]

I'm pretty sure this book has advice for people who have a tendency to avoid conflict, but I was not paying much attention to that part.  As you might guess, it does not really apply to me.

 

[Luigi]

Go to a college library and take out a fairly recent COM:101 Intro to Communication textbook. There are usually sections about self-disclosure, assertiveness, managing conflict, and that kind of thing. 

 

You might find it helpful. 

[Perigrina]

The first reading at Mass today reminded me of this topic.  This verse got me thinking:

 

Acts 16:3

Paul wanted Timothy to accompany him; and he took him and circumcised him because of the Jews that were in those places, for they all knew that his father was a Greek.

 

We know from other passages that St. Paul strongly believed that circumcision was not necessary for salvation, yet he is having his assistant circumcised in order to avoid confrontations with the Jews.  Yet, St. Paul is not someone I think of as a conflict avoider.

 

For someone like me, avoiding conflict is hard.  For Chrysostom, the OP, facing is conflict is hard.  But we are all called to the same thing - recognizing what the situation calls for and doing what is required even when it means overcoming our natural inclination.  

 

There is a tendency for people to convince themselves that what they want to do is the right thing.  Another tendency is to compare ourselves to others, either being smug about how much better we are than another or being discouraged by how much worse.  But we rarely know what other people have to overcome to do what they do.  For one person, keeping quiet is a heroic struggle.  For another, speaking up is.  I'm pretty sure that what God is looking at is how harder we are working at doing the right thing.