Why *not* Get Married?

[Nihil Obstat]

My interest was sparked just in seeing the title of that other thread a few times. We talked for a bit now on reasons for getting married. What reasons are there for people not to marry, or to delay marrying? Which reasons are most compelling? Are some more morally or logically coherent than others?

[Lilllabettt]

reasons I've heard from religious and secular people:

1. marriage is in some ways a waste of time. if you can do it without going to hell, why not skip over that and go straight to the main event (giving undivided heart to God)

2. kids. If you're not interested in having kids, why not take your time. Actually if you don't get married until later in life you will deal with fewer people asking you nosey questions about when you're going to have them, how many, etc.

3. career opportunity - esp. for girls. When a woman gets married there is still the cultural expectation that she will follow her husband wherever he goes. they will live wherever its best for his career. they will move when its time for him to get promoted. if someone is going to quit and stay home with the kids, it won't be him. Men are allowed to be parents+professionals, women not as much. A highly educated woman who wants a career may hesitate to get married and thereby risk her dreams -especially when she is young and building her credentials.

4. if you wait until you're older its a lot less likely you'll divorce.

[beatitude]

It's just not my calling. I am with a secular institute, clumsily (and happily!) learning how to live out poverty, chastity, and obedience. When it came to my vocation, I never really thought of it in terms of 'reasons to marry', 'reasons to join the secular institute' and so on - I just went where I thought I could love God best.

[arfink]

My interest was sparked just in seeing the title of that other thread a few times. We talked for a bit now on reasons for getting married. What reasons are there for people not to marry, or to delay marrying? Which reasons are most compelling? Are some more morally or logically coherent than others?

 

I thought that thread was actually all about reasons not to get married? :P Mainly the people complaining that there is no economic advantage for men to do so, IIRC.

[Nihil Obstat]

I thought that thread was actually all about reasons not to get married? :P Mainly the people complaining that there is no economic advantage for men to do so, IIRC.

Welp, all I know is that I had a fair bit more disposable income before I got married. :|

[Perigrina]

One reason not to get married is the Church teaching which says that consecrated life is objectively superior to marriage.  It was traditionally considered the preferred state of life, but those who were unable to handle consecrated life would pursue marriage.

 

Here is a recent iteration of the teaching:

 

Pope John Paul II , Vita Consecrata, no. 32: “As a way of showing forth the Church's holiness, it is to be recognized that the consecrated life, which mirrors Christ's own way of life, has an objective superiority. Precisely for this reason, it is an especially rich manifestation of Gospel values and a more complete expression of the Church's purpose, which is the sanctification of humanity. The consecrated life proclaims and in a certain way anticipates the future age, when the fullness of the Kingdom of Heaven, already present in its first fruits and in mystery,[62] will be achieved and when the children of the resurrection will take neither wife nor husband, but will be like the angels of God (cf. Mt. 22:30)” http://www.vatican.va/holy_father/john_paul_ii/apost_exhortations/documents/hf_jp-ii_exh_25031996_vita-consecrata_en.html

[CrossCuT]

My boyfriend and I are both very interested in taking the next step however I am still in school and he is doing some pretty big projects of his own. We both want to make a clean break before getting married I guess. 

[PhuturePriest]

You find baby slobber as revolting as I do.

[AugustineA]

lol I used to not like babies.. Then I started going to the TLM, and babies are practically omnipresent.

 

[Norseman82]

1)  You have or are seriously discerning a religious vocation involving celibacy. 

2)  You have a canonical impediment. 

3)  You haven't found the right person yet. 

[polskieserce]

Here is my post from the other thread.  I basically listed a number of reasons why marriage is going downhill.  Basically it boils down to the sexual revolution, more years in school, decline of religion, decline of male rights, too much legal nonsense, and it's not cost/effective.

 

The question you are asking has fewer solid answers than it did in the past, hence the decline in marriage.  Marriage has been on the decline for a long time.  There is no single reason why marriage has gone downhill.  Rather, it is a combination of multiple factors that have come together to change the playing field.  But here are the reasons why, in no particular order (as they come to me).  This probably isn't all of them, but it should be most of them.

 

1. Sexual Revolution - Ever since this social change and the advent of birth control, it has been easier and more socially acceptable for people to have sex outside of marriage.  There is no urgent rush to get married at 18 if you can have sex without marriage and not have to worry about a kid.

 

2. Prolonged Educational Requirements - In the 50s in the US, it was much easier for people to get out of high school, get a blue collar job, and have one person support the entire family on that income.  Nowadays, people have to get advanced education beyond high school, which can take several more years.  This undoubtedly adds several years onto the typical age when people get married.

 

3. People are less traditional/religious than before - People don't follow the old-school traditions/religious teachings like they did in previous decades.  People are more individualistic and more open to other practices that their grandparents would never have even considered.  People want to enjoy life after going through years of school before getting tied down with responsibilities once again.

 

4. Anti-male Divorce Laws - I already know some people are going to fight me on this statement since that's exactly what happened in threads I started in the past.  However, let me assure you that I do understand the laws.  The laws on the books now treat men like untapped crude oil that is a resource for women to use.  This is basically the reason why Bush was trying to tell poor women to get married, so the guy they are with and not the government is responsible for them.  Guys going through the divorce get raped by the system.  Child custody, child support, alimony, division of property, domestic abuse allegations, attorney fees.....guys get SCREWED in all of these ways.

 

4.5 Pro-Female Sentiment in Society -This is highly connected with reason 4, so I didn't count this as an entirely separate point.  But overall, society is pretty pro-female from a social/cultural standpoint and a policy standpoint.  Obama has pushed to lower the burden of proof to have a college guy be guilty of rape.  Also, all a girl has to do to get a guy in trouble is report the guy for hitting her, show the police a bruise (even if the guy didn't do it), cry about it in front of the judge, and the guy is 100% guilty :rolleyes:  The examples are too numerous to list, so I'm not even gonna try listing all of them.

 

5. Marriage Strike - In reaction to 4 and 4.5, there is a growing movement of men who are openly anti-marriage due to the unfairness of the legal system and are refusing the sign the legal contract.  After all, any lawyer will tell you that if you don't agree with the terms of a legal contract, you should not be signing it.

 

6. Financial incentives to stay unmarried but no incentive to marry - I don't know the specifics of these, but I heard that people are able to get more benefits if the woman is "officially" single and has a child out of wedlock as opposed to having a child to a man she's married to.  That and some changes in SS benefits (again I don't know the specifics of this point, so I can't answer in detail).

 

7. Absurd Divorce Rate - Why marry and spend so much money on a wedding if there is a good chance it won't last?  Doesn't sound like a very good return on investment.

 

8. Marriage is no longer the symbol of honor it once was - This kind of ties in with point 3 but I wanted to emphasize this specific detail more.  At one time, marriage was a much stronger symbol of honor between two people.  Divorce was a dirty scandal that made the whole family feel ashamed.  Nowadays, it's outrageous to even consider hoping that one's spouse, man or woman, is a virgin :rolleyes:  It is a disposable contract that people tear up once someone gets bored of their spouse.

 

9. Judgment Free Culture - People have an expanded sense of what is permissible and what's not.  They feel that no matter how outrageous their actions are, that it is nobody's place to judge them in a bigoted, archaic way :rolleyes:  This plays into marriage because it gives them the sense that they can commit numerous sexual indiscretions and not have to deal with any social stigma.