Personal Dilemma Need Advice

[Old_Joe]

I'm having a relationship problem that I want to resolve, but I'm not sure what to do.

 

About a year or so ago, I tried to pursue a relationship with a woman from a young adult group that we both belong to.   I felt like God was calling me to her, but I wasn't sure.  I've had problems pursuing relationships in the past and after the last one I decided that I was just going to let it happen.  Before this, I felt like no woman would ever give me a chance.  I knew it wasn't true, but it kept nagging me. I've also had other personal problems as well as habitual sins, all of which I wanted to protect her from until I felt it was appropriate.  I decided to take it slow and get to know her more and test the waters so to speak.  I'm not a very self confident guy, but I try to be.  I often felt held back when I talked to her.  I thought it was because I was nervous.  I was getting to the point where asking her out felt easier.  She sent me an email asking if I had feelings for her, and she admitted that at one point she was open to more than friendship with me, but wasn't sure herself.  I kinda took that to mean that she wasn't ready.  It was either that or she wasn't sure of herself or of me.  She also said she wasn't sure of her vocation.  She had been in a religious community for awhile.  It kinda surprised me because one of my first memories of her was when she was playing with someone else's kid and it seemed so natural for her.  I remember thinking something like, "She's so good with kids.  She'd make a good wife and mother."  Anyway, we decided to remain friends.  It hurt because it wasn't what I wanted, but I wanted to respect her wishes.  As time went on, I felt that we were becoming closer, and my feelings for her started to grow again.  I was honestly thinking of asking if she was open to a relationship again.  

 

This last January she told me that she had met someone.  I didn't take it very well.  I was angry (not at her or him), hurt and confused.  We emailed each other back and forth about this.  Early on I had hoped that maybe it wouldn't last and then I'd just have to wait again.  As time went on, it became more and more apparent that wasn't the case.  My emails become more desperate.  I said and did somethings that I shouldn't have and I'm not proud of them.  I told her that I was struggling with my feelings for her, and that it was difficult for me to let go.  At least, that was the point I was trying to make.  At the beginning of Lent, she told me that she didn't feel comfortable emailing or texting me anymore since she was in a relationship with someone else.  I was devastated.  I don't handle personal rejection well.  I was so depressed that for about a week and a half I was bawling everyday.  Other than going to work or Mass, I'd be at home laying in bed bawling.  It was bad enough that I decided to seek out professional help.  I went back to counseling and started meeting regularly with a spiritual director for the first time in my life.

 

 A few weeks after this, her dad passed away.  When I found out, I instinctively wanted to be there for her.  I decided that was a bad idea.  I figured I was the last person that she'd want to see.  Instead, I prayed a rosary for her dad and for her.  Then I called her and sent an email saying how sorry I was for her loss and that I was praying for her and for her dad and that I was there for her if she needed me.  Maybe it wasn't the most prudent decision, but I acted out compassion and love for a friend.  The morning of the rosary for her dad, she sent me an email saying that while she thanked me for my prayers and sympathy, she felt uncomfortable.  She said she felt like I was trying to start the relationship again and that even if her current one broke up she'd never be in a relationship with me.  Once again, I was devastated.  I felt like a wound that I had been trying to heal for weeks even months had been violently ripped open.  I felt like I had been falsely accused.  This was the only time where I was angry with her.  I tend to have a temper, but I've learned not to take it out on people.  She's a very level headed person, and that's one of the things I love about her, but this felt angry, cruel and some of it was uncalled for.  I'd be lying if I said thoughts of her current relationship breaking up hadn't crossed my mind, but when it came down to it, my only thought was to console a friend.  After the Rosary, I waited until everyone had left, and I just started weeping bitterly for what seemed like 20-30 minutes.  I finally was able to join the reception, but not for long.  I went back up to the church and knelt in front of the altar.  I even asked the parish priest what I should do.  He said that as long my intentions were good and my heart was in the right place that I should offer my condolences.  I went back down to the reception and just waited with my friends until we left.  I didn't say or do anything.  I just sat there.  It was obvious that something was bothering me as people kept looking in my direction and some even asked if something was wrong.  When we left I again offered my condolences, trying to emphasize how truly sorry I was for her loss.  I wept again the entire way home.

 

It's been a couple of months since that happened.  Since then, whenever I see her I've tried to give her space and treat her with kindness.  I'm a firm believer in loving your enemies and praying for those who hurt you.  I suffered a lot of abuse growing up both at home and at school.  I try to do good for those who have hurt me.  It seems pretty obvious to me that she's still uncomfortable around me.  I've talked with some of my friends about this, and I've received conflicting advice.  Some people have said that yes I should say something to her, while others have said that I should let it go because she was under a lot of grief and stress.  I want to write her a letter explaining that while it might not have been the most prudent decision I was only trying to act of compassion and love for a friend and that I'm sorry it made her uncomfortable.  If she's okay with it, I want to earn her trust again.  At the same time, I want to respect her boundaries and not make things worse.  If I had said something while I was under a lot of grief and stress, I wouldn't want it held against me even it were true.

 

I have a lot to thank her for.  Before she came along, I was starting to believe that no woman would ever give me a chance.  Since I started going to counseling and spiritual direction, I've been dealing with some of those past abuses including sexual abuse and habitual sexual sin.  Some of these things I thought I had addressed and had come to terms with them or at least had managed well enough that I could move forward.  Apparently not, it would seem.  That's something else I have to thank her for.  My prayer life has been strengthened.  I've been praying everyday and I've taken up a holy hour.  I'm trying to take better care of myself not just physically, but also psychologically and spiritually.  I'm trying to rely on my friends more instead just get through life on my own.  All of these are things that I felt like I couldn't do before, but suddenly it's become easier.  I feel like I'm starting over in many ways, but the journey feels long.

 

My dilemma is should I write this letter asking for forgiveness and letting her know of my intentions or should I just let it go because she was dealing with a great deal of stress and grief?  I want to tell her that I'm sorry that my consolation made her uncomfortable, but that I stand by my actions because my intentions were good.  I also want to thank her because of her I'm dealing with these problems.  I don't want to go into to much detail because we're not exactly close friends right now.  I think she should know my side of the story.  I think I should wait a couple more months to send this letter.  I want to be sure she's had sufficient time to deal with her dad's death and our friendship has healed somewhat.  I honestly don't know what to do.  I keep trying to let it go, but it keeps eating away at me.  I'm not obsessing over this, but it weighs on me very heavily.  any advice or insight would be helpful.

[Credo in Deum]

Here is my advice, and no you will not like it.  Let it go.  If you need to write the letter then write the letter and burn it once you're done. Don't send it.  In my life I have found that one of the best ways to finding out God's will for us, is to view the options that we have in front of us and take the one that is least pleasing to our will.  That option is usually His will.   Plus the person who deserves the real credit for your accomplishments is, Him.   Thank Him for sending her and then thank Him for taking her away. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord. 

 

God will heal your wounds, however, He can't do this healing if you're going to keep picking at them.   

 

 

Edited May 21, 2014 by Credo in Deum

[beatitude]

It seems that you are still clinging to the hope that if only you can explain yourself well enough, and tell 'your side of the story', she might end up in a relationship with you one day after all. I also get the sense that you're viewing her as your one big chance, and if you don't get to date her, then you won't get to date anyone. That is not true.

 

Reading your post reminded me a bit of my first boyfriend, who was extremely clingy with me. He seemed nice and friendly, but I didn't want to date him, not least because I was considering religious life. However, he was nothing if not persistent, and being a very shy and awkward eighteen-year-old, in the end I agreed. The moment I got into that relationship, I wanted to get out of it, but whenever I tried to break up he would tell me things like "I saw you with the children in Mass today and I know you'd make a wonderful mother". The more I tried to draw out, the clingier he got. The more I got to know him, the more I felt that he wasn't psychologically ready for a relationship. In the end he was in floods of tears and bawling at me, "You're making a mistake" and doing everything he could to persuade me to stay with him. No doubt he felt he was just giving his side of the story - he seemed to feel that I was perceiving events wrongly and he needed to correct my perception - but to me it felt pushy. If you keep contacting this girl when she has made it plain that she doesn't feel comfortable being in contact with you, then I won't be surprised if she feels you're being pushy too. The only way to show you're not is to respect her wishes. I think she has been very clear about what she wants you to do.

 

I will be praying for you. It's not a fun situation to be in, but it's not going to last forever.

Edited May 21, 2014 by beatitude

[Old_Joe]

Thank you.  You're both right.  I've often felt like God had put her in my life for a reason, but maybe it wasn't the reason I had hoped.  I'm really not trying to get into a relationship with her, but it's been difficult for me to let go.  I don't have much experience with this sort of thing.  I'll admit that as much as I want to be in a relationship, I'm not ready.  I'm still trying to figure out my own life let alone someone else's.

[reminiscere]

Firstly, I know this sounds rather heartless,succinct and impossible, but all things considered, you should just forgive her, forgive yourself, forget it and let it go, entrusting the situation to Our Lord through Our Lady and asking Them to take care of the both of you and don't give it a second thought. 

 

Secondly, please read this page and the resources towards the bottom, I would encourage you to consider joining this association: http://cenacleosb.org/rex-amoris

Edited May 21, 2014 by reminiscere

[CatherineM]

When my Dad died, I slept on an empty beach in Mexico for several weeks. Don't hold anything she did or said afterwards against her. She may not remember saying it, so explaining it won't do any good.

Move on.

[Semper Catholic]

1. Girl continually tells you to back off/isn't interested.
2. Keep making up reasons to maintain contact with her (God wants me too)

This is how you get a restraining order against you or get a visit from her boyfriend.

Not sure what the dilemma is.

[Credo in Deum]

Thank you.  You're both right.  I've often felt like God had put her in my life for a reason, but maybe it wasn't the reason I had hoped.  I'm really not trying to get into a relationship with her, but it's been difficult for me to let go.  I don't have much experience with this sort of thing.  I'll admit that as much as I want to be in a relationship, I'm not ready.  I'm still trying to figure out my own life let alone someone else's.

 

Take it one day at a time, Joe.  I've been in the same situation as you. I made the mistake of pressing further and thinking, this letter or that e-mail is going to be able to explain my side.  Well that letter never happened.  I just needed to let God handle it.  So one day I told him; "hey, you got it Big G.  It's not my problem anymore."  Then what I thought was impossible, became possible.  I moved on without her and I have been happy ever since.  No more racking the brain over "what ifs."  All I have to do is trust in God and He will see me through the tough stuff.  Believe me, His will looks unpleasant at first sight, but when you start putting your trust in it, that unpleasantness becomes a sign of where happiness will be found. God loves paradoxes.  He has a great sense of humor that way.

 

His way will always be one which is lighter and filled with less suffering.  Our wills on the other hand fashion some heavy crosses that have the appearance of looking lighter.   

Edited May 21, 2014 by Credo in Deum

[brandelynmarie]

Echoing all of the above. You are very brave to post this. :) We all make mistakes & cling to things...even just the "what-if's"... I've been where you are in many ways...Keep up with the counseling & SD & yes, praying for you, too. :pray: :amen:

Edited May 21, 2014 by brandelynmarie

[Nihil Obstat]

It is emotionally and psychologically extremely liberating to walk away from someone who has negatively dominated your heart and mind for a long time. I know that first hand, so that is all I can contribute.

[arfink]

I'd second all the advice here, except possibly this specific, rather nit-picky part.

 

In my life I have found that one of the best ways to finding out God's will for us, is to view the options that we have in front of us and take the one that is least pleasing to our will.  That option is usually His will.  

 

I've not actually found this to be terribly reliable. :P It's very relateable, because it often seems to be true, but please don't try come at it from the opposite direction and choose to do things that you hate just because you hate them and then assume God wants you to do that, because you'll be miserable and it won't be God's fault or God's will.

Edited May 22, 2014 by arfink

[Credo in Deum]

It's very relateable, because it often seems to be true, but please don't try come at it from the opposite direction and choose to do things that you hate just because you hate them and then assume God wants you to do that, because you'll be miserable and it won't be God's fault or God's will.

I've found my fallen nature to gravitate more towards sin rather than virtue.  Sin usually looks a lot funner than virtue, but the reality is it's not.  As Fulton Sheen said, there are two philosophies in this life.  There is the fast before the feast (God's way) or there is the feast before the headache (Satan's way).  Sure sometimes God lets you feast first but usually He wants the fast first.  Hence, why I used the word "usually", meaning "more often than not, but not always."

 

Prudence, people.  Prudence. 

Edited May 22, 2014 by Credo in Deum

[maximillion]

I agree with the others, let go.

 

Easier said than done I know.

 

Prayers.......

[Winchester]

[media]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk[/media] 

improved

[Credo in Deum]

improved

 

You so get me. **tear, sniffle sniffle**