My Discernment Crash And Burn

[superblue]

Well I thought I had my life finally figured out, hunting and pecking at dead end jobs, served in the Army got out in 2000, and then it dawned on me, the times I happiest in life is or at least the very least is  the one constant in my life is my faith as a Catholic. So I figure time to " discern " well things moved really fast, too fast actually. And I hate to say it but I think my vocations director was not a good one for me. He never really challenged my thought process so I figured everything was going good, I figured there was no way I could not be chosen as a candidate for seminary formation... Ha. I had to write an autobiography, the only guidance I had was to just put my heart into it, so I did, but in the process I managed I think to convey too much pain and not enough of what Christ had actually done in my life and how Christ got me through these times in my life.  But what I was under the impression of, was that I would go to an interview which I did, which was very grueling , uncomfortable for me at least, and in hind sight I can see now how I really lost the interview at least half way into it. An after the interview a psych exam, and then I figured at which point the bishop would after council from the interview panel, an the psych eval make a decision to ones application... well after only a very short minutes from the interview I find out I am not accepted or deemed not ready. And it was crushing.  Crushing in that how can a decision be made so fast with out everything being completed.

 

So I sort of had a nervous break down, I had just spent a year discerning, I had been i thought praying a lot, spending most of that year in adoration, getting more involved in my parish... and seeing a better life ahead. And then to realize that maybe i am not cut out for the priesthood, or perhaps God is telling me i was not ready at this point in time.. no telling.  But water under the bridge now... I have at least to wait 4 years before i can reapply, and i am not getting any younger, so it just makes me wonder and feel more lost, i have my ups n downs with my faith now after this really big shake up in my life with the Church... And  to try an figure out where God wants me in life, to be humble enough to accept it, is tough, an even more confusing is i don't feel like giving up an just moving on from this attempt with my diocese... but at some point i either have to move to another diocese and try again or try again and face probably an even tougher interview, or just finally accept that this is not where i am to be in life and hope that i am prepared to live with that.

 

Regret is partially what i am still dealing with, i am trying to finish a degree but facing many academic hurdles mainly regarding math. anyhow.... I wish i did end this process on a positive note with my diocese but being so emotionally hurt, i left abruptly, i feel as if i burned a bridge i never intended to burn.   I have checked out a Franciscan order since, and realized, either way the application process is not going to be easy and perhaps not even fair. Even saw how one man was rejected from his diocese only to become a Franciscan ! an I am like wow,  I can see a bit how it isn't so much rejection but God putting people where he needs them.... an then it's like this thought process but i am choosing a good and noble path to begin with so how can i not even be given a chance to try ? An again i answer my own question....

 

I just wanted to share a bit of this experience ,   and kind of me reflecting and reminding myself to not wear my heart so openly on my sleeve , and to not let myself become so overly emotionally charged at times. It is almost like some kind of Jedi balancing act.

[Perigrina]

Give yourself time to grieve.  This was a major loss.  In grief counseling, they say to allow a year for something this traumatic.

[Blue.Rose]

Hi Superblue
What first occurred to me is that you said in the begining of your post that the only constant and happy thing in your life is your Catholic faith.
I thought you might be turning to religious life because it might be a "constant and happy thing" to you or you think it will bring you comfort.
This alone is not a solid reason for wanting religious life.

When we enter religious life, we are giving ourselves up in a sort of way, in order to serve God and serve others. So we're not living for ourselves anymore and shouldn't seek personal comfort.
Do you have a Spiritual Director?

Please correct me if I got you wrong but I just want to be sure you are wanting this for the right reasons.

Edited May 16, 2014 by Blue.Rose

[Luigi]

There are a lot of ways to serve God in his people the Church, and be happy doing it, without being a diocesan priest.

 

I think you should keep looking at the Franciscans, and maybe the Benedictines, the Trappists, the Society of Mary, the Christian Brothers, the Alexian Brothers - like I say, there are a lot of options.

 

What kind of work did you do in the military? Were you happy doing that? Is there some way to work that into ministry in an order? I mean if you were a medic, or a mechanic, or a cook, or whatever. If you were a sharp shooter, there's probably no way.

 

 

If you feel your spiritual director wasn't that good, I'd suggest you find another one. They may not be all that common, but there probably is somebody out there who suits you better.

 

 

Lastly, if the diocese turned you down for seminary, I say you gotta trust 'em on that. They know what it takes to be a priest. And like you say, you're not getting any younger - if they were to take you, and then three or four years into it they tell you that it's not working out, then you're that much older and no closer to your goal. See what I mean?

 

Hang in there. I've got you on the prayer list now. Might take a while, but things'll work out.

Edited May 16, 2014 by Luigi

[AugustineA]

This life isn't easy. It sounds like it hasn't been simple for your either. First, you have the ups and downs of stringing life along waiting for that goal of seminary, the build up of the dream, and then a rejection. I'm sorry for your ordeal. Consolation doesn't do much to heal wounds like that. Christ is the answer though. He's the reason you wanted to take up the cross in the first place. And if we want that, there is no way He will deny it. His plan may simply be different from ours.

 

So take heart. Live with faith and hope. :)

[superblue]

Hi Superblue
What first occurred to me is that you said in the begining of your post that the only constant and happy thing in your life is your Catholic faith.
I thought you might be turning to religious life because it might be a "constant and happy thing" to you or you think it will bring you comfort.
This alone is not a solid reason for wanting religious life.

When we enter religious life, we are giving ourselves up in a sort of way, in order to serve God and serve others. So we're not living for ourselves anymore and shouldn't seek personal comfort.
Do you have a Spiritual Director?

Please correct me if I got you wrong but I just want to be sure you are wanting this for the right reasons

 

I had pondered that too, was this really a calling or was I just looking to some how escape the pains of life that I was in, am in.  and I mean I dwelled on that to no end, and I do realize that a religious life is not any kind of escape from a civilian life; and I hope I wasn't fooling myself, I hope I am still not fooling myself,  I felt like here I am with a really big heart, wanting to do and give so much of myself, but every time I put myself out there it's like the hammer comes dropping on me for one reason or another.  I saw how I sacrificed my life for nothing while I was in the army, and I saw my life having a better purpose and mission as a diocesan priest.   I felt that after all the hardships I had been through, and still here I am constantly staying with the Church, that perhaps I am strong enough to move forward on that road.  I do / did have a spiritual director, kind of had a really soft falling out with him, I did not realize at the time, that he was an actual vocations advisor for my diocese so he couldn't really be any more involved with me other than some slight guidance and listening. I might at some time find a new spiritual director.  In the end at this point in time I can't 100 % say I was looking at any kind of religious life as an escape or to bring me comfort, but I saw it as a better life, for plenty of reasons. 

 

I hope that clarifies what you were asking.

[superblue]

Give yourself time to grieve.  This was a major loss.  In grief counseling, they say to allow a year for something this traumatic.

 

 

Yup very true, it has been I think well past a year now, the wounds have healed but the scars I guess are still there from this process, and I guess it is the scars that are what maybe popping up from time to time.... doesn't mean it is a bad thing just more I guess battle scars if you will. and how very true I did not realize at the time it was a major loss in deed, I had these hopes and plans, excitement, joy, a better outlook on life, and the thing was, I still had a chance with the diocese, they didn't just say no an kick me to the curb, there was a candidate program to go through that I was looking forward to, I didn't really expect an answer until well after that time frame, but the information hit me so fast, that I was just spinning and had I just stayed calm, if I could have just managed that much, I think things would have been a lot different for me..  An more over, I wasn't really given by family any space to grieve at all, so that was rough. any beans. ty.

[superblue]

There are a lot of ways to serve God in his people the Church, and be happy doing it, without being a diocesan priest.

 

I think you should keep looking at the Franciscans, and maybe the Benedictines, the Trappists, the Society of Mary, the Christian Brothers, the Alexian Brothers - like I say, there are a lot of options.

 

What kind of work did you do in the military? Were you happy doing that? Is there some way to work that into ministry in an order? I mean if you were a medic, or a mechanic, or a cook, or whatever. If you were a sharp shooter, there's probably no way.

 

 

If you feel your spiritual director wasn't that good, I'd suggest you find another one. They may not be all that common, but there probably is somebody out there who suits you better.

 

 

Lastly, if the diocese turned you down for seminary, I say you gotta trust 'em on that. They know what it takes to be a priest. And like you say, you're not getting any younger - if they were to take you, and then three or four years into it they tell you that it's not working out, then you're that much older and no closer to your goal. See what I mean?

 

Hang in there. I've got you on the prayer list now. Might take a while, but things'll work out.

Yup , trying to wrap my head around their decision on just the seminary, was weird,  I wasn't told about how long the class/ study hours were, during my discernment all I did was take a tour of a seminary and saw a bunch of happy seminarians, so I mean why would I think that it is some kind of grueling educational nightmare, plus it wasn't like I would be required to major in math, I mean if that was required I would easily understand as I can barely handle algebra at its basics.  I had a lot against me, I didn't finish my degree in college, an some other issues as well.  But I was hoping that a possible calling would have been stronger an have been seen more the potential that I am an intelligent person and to not just assume that because I didn't finish one degree that in turn means I wont finish another, plus there was no questions asked in regards to why I didn't finish, and in turn I guess I could have answered that is not what I was called to do with my life. Toward my age I am 35, I feel like I am already 50, age is relative I suppose in some regards, I did speak to my S.D at the time he assured me my age was nothing to worry about. But there are cut off ages for some diocese, mine is 40. ( another thing that is not announced )  But I do realize they made the right decision, that point in time was not right for me.

 

As for my job in the army I was a unit supply specialist, or a " quartermaster "  in the civilian world more like warehouse operations and similar. But I was attached to a combat unit so thankfully nothing happened cause I would have been walking around basically with a bullseye on my back.

 

And I am keeping an eye on all religious orders out there, I never realized how many their really are, how different they all are even in the same branch, Franciscans , Benedictines, etc.

[superblue]

Ty Augustinea for your reply as well, and to everyone.....

 

some thoughts that I had on this process was I  wish  there was more transparency across the board for potential candidates, I mean if a Bishop wants a candidate that is 5'10 has a college degree, lives on their own, is employed, never married, no children, never been arrested, never used drugs, what is wrong with posting that right out the gate, but to then turn around and say well we cant lump everyone into that boat because it is unfair, is also I think untrue because though people may not want to admit it , people do judge each other for and on a variety of reasons. And also to have a debriefing with said candidate after an interview be it acceptance or rejection, so that the person is informed and can work on things that need to be worked on or know what to expect down the road. Such wasn't given to me I had to email the new vocations director to get some constructive criticism on what the board thought.  An then to try and figure out what God wants of a person, right now just me,,, I mean I had thought about the priesthood off n on for a long time in my life, an perhaps I should have mentioned that earlier... but this I felt was my shot, and man I have no doubt that my autobiography played a part in me shooting myself in the foot. Most people might have someone help them with a resume, lol not me, it was just here ya go good luck, an I am like okay. so I had to get over a lot of anger, and start trying to pray more on where God wants me in life, and why did I even take that step forward to the Diocese as a priest.. an I could address reasons why to that , but I mean if God never wanted me to go down that road, then I have to look at myself an say well why did I.. An till I either become a religious, or a diocesan priest, or married with kids, I can't really answer that . 

 

At this point in my life, I am just working towards getting back to work, which is extremely difficult, finishing my degree difficult x 2, and find a place of my own difficult x 3.  If I had any money I would wager a bet that I could win the lotto quicker than getting these goals done first.

 

I do thank everyone for the responses and prayers.  It is still a lil gut wrenching at times to hear during mass let us pray for vocations, cause I wana jump up an be like hey I already tried and I was shot down pray for me that I find where I am to be in life.

 

I think Humility is a big thing I am learning in the past few years since this journey, I didn't have a giant ego before but it is a new kind of humility I think.   thanks again all.

[TheresaThoma]

Superblue I think it would be really helpful for you to find a Spiritual director (or even just a good priest or brother) to talk this over with.

I don't know what the pain of rejection feels like but I know the confusion and hurt that comes from having a major change in your discernment. About a year ago I realized that the community I had been discerning with was not the community for me. I loved the community and still do but through some very wise advice I realized that I wasn't called there. I remembered praying and being angry and confused and begging God to help me figure it out. It took quite a bit of prayer and some support to make that change in direction.

I'll be praying for you!

[DiscerningCatholic]

I know this feeling; something similar happened to me a few months ago. I don't really have anything to say that you haven't heard already, so I'll just be praying for you! :)

[Luigi]

SuperBlue - what part of the country do you live in? 

[superblue]

I live in Fl, I don't really know what to look for in a spiritual director, I mean seems like counseling at best, but what I thought would happen is either the vocations director or my spiritual director would have actually challenged me to really dig deep in me to find out what is going on, perhaps suggest to me to read something and write some kind of essay on it, I don't know but something other than what I went through.. I actually did look into an order of Franciscans up north, and I was really surprised how little I knew about community life in a religious, and I was lil disheartened to see how I was actually not that interested in that particular order for various reasons.

 

I do know of a 6mnth discerntment program in Canada and was in the process of applying to it, it is supposed to be an approved program that is recognized by the Church, I think it is called the Madonna House. An I still may end up there one day if I can get my finances together.

 

So I guess if anything at this point in time for a question for those of you following is what should I consider or look for in a spiritual director.

[brandelynmarie]

There are many wise pholks on here...from experience or otherwise. You've come to the right place to vent & begin to get some support. Praying for you & I know many others will be, too. :)

[Perigrina]

So I guess if anything at this point in time for a question for those of you following is what should I consider or look for in a spiritual director.

 

In my experience, diocesan priests tend to be overwhelmed by the demands on them and are less likely to make time to do spiritual direction.  Priests in religious orders, especially those that have direction as part of their charism, are a good place to start looking.  My SD is an Oratorian which is not, strictly speaking, a religious order, but they do have a tradition of spiritual direction.

 

Of course, you are looking for orthodoxy.  Perhaps the other main thing is comfort in communication.  I think the ideal is combining one's SD with one's Confessor, but that is not always possible.  If you are not combining them, then you have the option of having a non-priest as a SD.