I've Been Having A Difficult Time Lately.

[Old_Joe]

Let me start by saying that I've dealing with porn and masturbation for about 18 years.

 

I was one those awkward kids that people talk about.  I was always one of those kids who was picked on by others.  I was made fun of almost everyday during the school year.  No matter what, I'd be the last kid picked for teams in gym or group projects.  I can't remember how often the teachers intervened, but it didn't feel like it was often enough.  They always told me don't let it get to me, but over time I'd get worn down by it.  I even started taking a martial art for defense, but it rarely got physical.  In 8th grade, the main bully got into serious trouble when he teased a girl in our class about being "flat chested" and having to use tissues.  I'm sure there other time, but this was only time I remember the teachers and principal getting involved in the bullying problem.

 

I was one of those curious kids who was introduced to porn by looking at National Geographics and books on photography.  For awhile it was innocent.  It wasn't like I would look at it everyday, but when I had time I would sneak a peek.  Eventually I knew which NatGeos had what pictures and I even tore a picture out of a photography book of a nude woman and kept it under my pillow.  I don't know if my parents ever caught on, but my dad would tell me that if I ever wanted to he'd buy me a playboy.  I don't know if was trying to shame me or what.  I never took him up on his offer.  I even snuck a playboy home from my brother's place.  Another brother found it eventually, but he was "okay" with it.  My older sister also had two friends who would come by, and we'd fool around sexually.  We'd flash each other or I'd touch or kiss their breasts.  It seemed innocent at the time, but now I wonder if that's what got me started.  eventually, they stopped coming by.  i don't know if it was because of me or what.  I don't even remember their names or what they looked like.

 

When the internet really started taking off, I'd look at porn sites.  Whatever I could find.  This was off and on.  Eventually, I got bored with regular pictures and videos, and I got into incest porn.  I've been kind of stuck there ever since.  Usually, I'd be up late at night using one of the computers alone thrilled that I might get caught.  This is what really got me going.  I had friends who would enable me.  My siblings and other family members would tease me about it, and say things like, "It's okay everybody does it." or "It's only natural for someone your age."  That doesn't help.  For awhile, I was into cybersex, but I became disgusted with it and gave it up.  I've never gone back.  The internet pornography really became difficult in college when I figured which labs were "off the grid" so to speak.  They weren't part of the university's main computer system and therefore had less safeguards.

 

Eventually, I got into masturbation.  I think i was 11 or 12.  I remember my sister asking if I was masturbating, and at time I wasn't.  I used to use those pictures I mentioned before, or sexual fantasies of different women in my life.  It continued off and on for awhile, but then in high school it became a regular thing.  at first, I thought nothing of it, but then I realized that it was sinful and I would try to quit, but I always fell back into it.  For the longest time, I've gone to confession every weekend and sometimes during the week.  I knew it was a problem, but I couldn't stop.  I hid it from friends and family that they probably never realized how big of a problem it was.

 

I began to realize in high school that all of this was robbing me of soul.  Recently, I realized how much time I've wasted and how many people especially women that I've hurt because I had cut myself off from them.  I also realized that I don't know how to treat a woman right without sex being part of the picture.  Fortunately, i never had premarital sex.  I'm almost 30 and some of my friends are married and have children of their own, but I feel stuck.  A few years ago,  I was diagnosed with dysthymia, a low level but long lasting form of depression.  Think Eeyore from winnie the pooh.  i never really seem excited, but I'm not so depressed that I can't function.  I went to counseling and took medication for awhile, and it helped and I got better.  I learned to deal with my problems without them getting to me.  In recent years, I've begun to wonder what my vocation was.  I don't know if I called to the priesthood or to married life.  either way, I've got a lot of work cut out for me.  I've tried looking into both, but I never really felt called either way.  I went on discernment retreats.  I tried getting into relationship with different women, all of which failed, some of those failed miserably.  i never felt like I could connect with God or his beautiful, wonderful daughters.  I feel guilty for hurting these women.   I never meant to.  Eventually, I came to the conclusion that no woman would ever want to be with me or go beyond friendship.

 

Recently, I had a falling out with woman I know.  We met a few years ago.  We were both part of a young adult group.  She lived out of town and wasn't a regular, but later she moved here and we got to see a lot more of each other.  I become attracted to her, but I didn't know what to do.  I'd try starting conversations with her, but I was so nervous I didn't get very far very fast.  I'd also accidentally see her outside of the group on occasion.  There were times where I'd be goin about my day and her name would pop up randomly, like I'd see it on a nametag or someone would mention it in a conversation, etc.  It happened so much that I began to think, "Is God calling me to this woman or is this just coincidence and I'm seeing what I wanted to see?"  We'd started texting each other a year ago, which really helped to get to know her without feeling nervous. I wanted to take things slow, because I didn't want to ruin another relationship or hurt her.  She started reciprocating those feelings, but she later told me that she didn't feel sure about them.  She eventually realized that I did have feelings for her, but by that time she wanted to remain friends.  She told me it was because she wasn't sure of her vocation.  She used to be a religious sister, but left after a few years.  I told I was okay with that since I was kind of in the same boat, and wasn't sure of my feelings either.  It hurt, but we remained friends.  We'd been texting each other for several months at this point and we'd see each other as part of  the young adult group.  nonetheless, I kept falling in love with her.  

 

This last january our group was going to meet to play volleyball. She sent me an email a few days before that she'd met someone and had been emailing him since November and they'd hung out once and that he was going to be there.  I was devastated.  He seems like a nice guy and could provide for her better than i could.  Nonetheless, I felt betrayed and wounded.  We started emailing each back and forth about this.  At first she apologized for hurting me, and that she understood my feelings, but she didn't feel called to more than friendship with me.  I never really tried to change her mind or win her back, and I tried explaining that I felt because I never took the initiative and asked her out that's why her feeling never grew.  In the back of my mind, I knew it was because of the porn and masturbation addiction that I'd suffered for so many years.  I started going to this site to finally kick the habit.  My emails and texts became more desperate without me realizing it.  I told her that I still had feelings for her, and that I realized that I couldn't change her mind and was having painful difficulty letting go.  Just this last week she said that we should stop emailing and texting each other since she's in a relationship.  I was in shock.  The moment I read her message, my heart literally felt icy, like someone with cold hands held it for a second.  I've spent the last week crying everyday and feeling depressed and listless.  I want to talk to her in person and apologize for some of the things I said, and I want to earn her trust again.  I honestly don't know what to do at this point.  I've cried nearly everyday for the past 2.5 weeks.  I can't but wonder if God was calling me to her and I screwed it up.  I'm trying to be patient with myself and not beat myself up over it.  

 

I could really use some prayers.  I can't do this alone.  I need help.  I've been going to Reclaim for help since January.  I'm tired of dealing with porn and masturbation.  I see how it keeps me locked away from the people around me.  I want to feel a deep intimate connection, but I feel held back.