Feeling Like A Community Doesn't Want Me?

[Blue.Rose]

I hope it won't sound rude if I suggest that a community of women in their 30s isn't really 'older'...

Well mid thirties is older than me is what I meant and I also mentioned that is not an issue, I said the issue is the sisters are foreign and have known each other for over 10 years.
I never once suggested that being in your 30's was "old ".

[Spem in alium]

Well mid thirties is older than me is what I meant and I also mentioned that is not an issue, I said the issue is the sisters are foreign and have known each other for over 10 years.
I never once suggested that being in your 30's was "old ".

 

I can understand how there would be a barrier with a cultural and language difference. But it can be overcome. In the community I visit, there are sisters from Europe, Asia and America. Some have known each other for a long time, while others are fairly new. While there are some differences between them they all make it work. That, I think, is the essence of community. :)

One of the Sisters in the community I visit is in her 80s and speaks very little English. She's currently in an aged care facility and last time I stayed with them I visited her with another Sister. I spent most of the time just holding her hand and listening to her speak to the other Sister in Polish. I felt more connected to her in that moment than I probably would have been if I was speaking with her.

 

There will likely be barriers for you. But they can be overcome quite easily through finding some common ground with your Sisters. A good place to start is with Jesus. :) Put your trust in Him and do not be afraid - if it is meant to be, it will be, and God will be with you.

Edited March 18, 2014 by Spem in alium

[LaPetiteSoeur]

I hope I can still be active in VS despite my no longer discerning/entered the religious life!

 

I work with a religious congregation and one of my best sister friends is an older Cuban sister. Sometimes things get lost in translation, and at first it was difficult--most of it did not have to do with the difference in language, but with the difference in phrases used because of age! A lot of humor helped and we get along very well. 

 

Some of the older sisters have dementia, and that changes what they understand. I'm sure you probably won't be visiting too many sisters with dementia in your initial discernment--but if you are, all the better. Just being with them, and talking with them, is all that is needed. Sometimes we sing hymns together, and that is our common knowledge. 

 

If something doesn't ~feel right~ in a community, I'd pray on it. I'd talk to a spiritual director or close religious/priest friend. 

 

Prayers in your discernment!

[emma8201986]

Why make yourself tense and miserable trying to pound a square peg into a round hole.  Surely in Aus, Can, the UK or the US you can find a community where you feel like you will fit in and are comfortable with the other sisters.  I simply cannot believe God would want anyone to give Him her whole life and be completely miserable doing it.  One of the purposes of religious life is to bring others to Jesus by your example.  An unhappy person would hardly set an example of the joys of Christianity.

[Blue.Rose]

I'm going to discuss this with my Spiritual director and bring it up with the Sister.
If I still feel with way I'm going to start looking at other orders.

Edited March 19, 2014 by Blue.Rose

[Antigonos]

I hope I can still be active in VS despite my no longer discerning/entered the religious life!

Well, I'm certainly not discerning yet I'm here!

[AnneLine]

Me too, Antigonos and PetitSoeur!   There is a place for those of us who have made our 'stability' within Vocation Station.... we are part of the community here, and love and support all of you!  And each other!

[Hemma]

Hi everybody:)

I hope it's the right thread here. I just got a weird refusal by some community. It's a monastery in my homeland, which I know for 5 years by now. I'm of the opinion that you should first consider monasteries in the region or country where God has placed you, and that's basically them. As the monastery fits roughly in my pattern I visited them for ten days - that was five years ago as I said above. The visit was very harmonious. The youngest nun and I got close friends.

Then after a while the relationship between the young sister (she's forty, about 15 years in the order) and her fellow nuns got more and more difficult. In plain language: the nuns have bullied her until she temporarily left the convent. Not long ago she was allowed to return, but I don't know why. It's still difficult. The point is, not my friend is the problem, but the other nuns. I had never anything to do with it. Just contact with the young nun.

Well, a few days before I wrote a message to the novice mistress, asking whether we could talk about me and about the question whether God might call me into this community. Today I got the answer. The novice mistress has asked the nuns' counsel and it's a very clear "no". They don't even talked to me! They say no without having seen me!

Somehow I feel really relieved, I almost prayed for not having to enter there; but it's really steep, don't you think?

 

Sorry if there are mistakes in my English, I hope it's all understandable.

[Spem in alium]

Hi everybody:)

I hope it's the right thread here. I just got a weird refusal by some community. It's a monastery in my homeland, which I know for 5 years by now. I'm of the opinion that you should first consider monasteries in the region or country where God has placed you, and that's basically them. As the monastery fits roughly in my pattern I visited them for ten days - that was five years ago as I said above. The visit was very harmonious. The youngest nun and I got close friends.

Then after a while the relationship between the young sister (she's forty, about 15 years in the order) and her fellow nuns got more and more difficult. In plain language: the nuns have bullied her until she temporarily left the convent. Not long ago she was allowed to return, but I don't know why. It's still difficult. The point is, not my friend is the problem, but the other nuns. I had never anything to do with it. Just contact with the young nun.

Well, a few days before I wrote a message to the novice mistress, asking whether we could talk about me and about the question whether God might call me into this community. Today I got the answer. The novice mistress has asked the nuns' counsel and it's a very clear "no". They don't even talked to me! They say no without having seen me!

Somehow I feel really relieved, I almost prayed for not having to enter there; but it's really steep, don't you think?

 

Sorry if there are mistakes in my English, I hope it's all understandable.

Hi Senensis, and welcome :) That sounds like it would have been a difficult situation for both your friend and you. And to give you a straight "no" without speaking to you beforehand would be a hard thing to have to take. Did the novice mistress give you any idea as to why they've refused you? 

I do agree with your view to first look within your own country or region. Are there any other monasteries nearby, or were they really your only option?

Also, if you haven't already, you might want to explore the sense of relief you're feeling. Work out where it's coming from and why you're feeling it. It may help to guide you along another path.
I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

 

[TIWW]

So many things to consider  when we feel called to Religious Life. This work between us, our Spiritual director, the Community and God demands an openness to the Holy Spirit and a deep trust that we can follow the guidance and longings we are given. I think if one is considering an enclosed community, it is even more important to feel a connection with and acceptance from the Sisters. Usually, one is an outsider asking to come into an already formed and very close "family" of like minded women. They want to welcome new people, but are understandably very cautious to have the one coming in to be a good fit or blend with the already existing group. It is a very delicate balance. The situation is somewhat different for the active and larger communities, where there is an entirely different set of circumstances. Both demand a maturity and willingness to grow in new directions, following His will for us, brings an abundance of Grace when all is right.

Edited April 11, 2014 by TIWW

[OnlySunshine]

The age difference was something I was VERY concerned about when it came to discerning with 2 different communities - a cloistered Carmelite community and an active/contemplative community.  Neither of the communities had a younger vocation in MANY years and the age difference was very big - too big to ignore.  The prioress I talked to at the Carmelites was greatly desiring of some young blood to liven up their community but I didn't feel comfortable with a house of older women not knowing if anyone would follow after me.  She ended up leaving herself and then several nuns and postulants came from Kenya.  Now one of them is prioress.  The active community, while they had an apostolate that I am very interested in, was also too accepting and wanted me to join before I even visited.  That threw up a red flag because they weren't being objectionable at all.  I don't want to join ANY community at all just to be a religious and I worried that if they accepted me before I visited, what did that mean for others?  I already know someone who has entered and left 3 religious communities because she went anywhere where she was accepted and she has worse health problems than I do.  :(

Edited April 12, 2014 by MaterMisericordiae

[Hemma]

Hi Senensis, and welcome :) That sounds like it would have been a difficult situation for both your friend and you. And to give you a straight "no" without speaking to you beforehand would be a hard thing to have to take. Did the novice mistress give you any idea as to why they've refused you? 

I do agree with your view to first look within your own country or region. Are there any other monasteries nearby, or were they really your only option?

Also, if you haven't already, you might want to explore the sense of relief you're feeling. Work out where it's coming from and why you're feeling it. It may help to guide you along another path.
I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

No, the novice mistress gave me no idea. That's another reason why I think it has to do with my nun friend - how should she explain that.

Well, there are other monasteries - not really nearby, not in this region, but I have still enough possibilities.

It just hurt me how they did it. Like a slap in the face. Actually I feel wounded. How can they be so unfriendly to a person from outside?

 

I'm relieved because... well, I'm a person who likes to be at home. I think I won't have severe problems with enclosure per se. But, I feel somehow horrified at the thought of never leaving the convent again except for visiting my parents every five years or so. Just being trapped in there forever would be like dying, but in a negative sense. I know very well that you have to offer things when you are called by the Lord and so on. But this would make me unhappy. I couldn't breathe somehow. I think I'm going to look for benedictine/cistercian monasteries, because they appreciate the enclosure but leave it once and a while.

And then the above mentioned monastery is right in the city, and I'm a person who loves nature... no pets there, not a single stray cat ...

[marigold]

No, the novice mistress gave me no idea. That's another reason why I think it has to do with my nun friend - how should she explain that.

Well, there are other monasteries - not really nearby, not in this region, but I have still enough possibilities.

It just hurt me how they did it. Like a slap in the face. Actually I feel wounded. How can they be so unfriendly to a person from outside?

 

I'm relieved because... well, I'm a person who likes to be at home. I think I won't have severe problems with enclosure per se. But, I feel somehow horrified at the thought of never leaving the convent again except for visiting my parents every five years or so. Just being trapped in there forever would be like dying, but in a negative sense. I know very well that you have to offer things when you are called by the Lord and so on. But this would make me unhappy. I couldn't breathe somehow. I think I'm going to look for benedictine/cistercian monasteries, because they appreciate the enclosure but leave it once and a while.

And then the above mentioned monastery is right in the city, and I'm a person who loves nature... no pets there, not a single stray cat ...

 

It sounds like maybe it was the right thing to happen anyway, if you weren't sure you wanted to live the life they have?

 

I'm sorry that you had the experience of 'nuns gone wrong' - we don't know what's going on inside that community, but all the same, it hurts to be badly treated, especially by people who should know better. Been there, done that; pray for them and move on. :)

[Spem in alium]

No, the novice mistress gave me no idea. That's another reason why I think it has to do with my nun friend - how should she explain that.

Well, there are other monasteries - not really nearby, not in this region, but I have still enough possibilities.

It just hurt me how they did it. Like a slap in the face. Actually I feel wounded. How can they be so unfriendly to a person from outside?

 

I'm relieved because... well, I'm a person who likes to be at home. I think I won't have severe problems with enclosure per se. But, I feel somehow horrified at the thought of never leaving the convent again except for visiting my parents every five years or so. Just being trapped in there forever would be like dying, but in a negative sense. I know very well that you have to offer things when you are called by the Lord and so on. But this would make me unhappy. I couldn't breathe somehow. I think I'm going to look for benedictine/cistercian monasteries, because they appreciate the enclosure but leave it once and a while.

And then the above mentioned monastery is right in the city, and I'm a person who loves nature... no pets there, not a single stray cat ...

 

 

I think it's okay for you to feel these things - not just the hurt at how the situation was handled, but also the relief. It does hurt to be treated badly, especially by more "unlikely sources".
 

You are right that being called by the Lord to religious life does mean a person needs to offer certain things, but I have been told that one should not enter religious life in order to make a sacrifice of themselves, their needs and desires, because this will more often than not lead to unhappiness.

Now, I'm no expert, but I don't believe that a true call is ever one of misery, unhappiness or discontent. A call can certainly bring challenges, anxiety and apprehension, but if it is genuine, it will not bring unhappiness. If you are recognising now that entering that particular monastery would have made you unhappy, then it seems a good idea that you look to other monasteries that will suit your particular desires. Consecrated men and women still have needs, desires and things that make them happy, just like everyone else, and it's okay to guide your discernment to fit with those things.

[maximillion]

For me, the biggest indication that a person is called to a specific community is the joy they feel in that place, with those Sisters.