Blue.Rose Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 (edited) The order I'm interested in I really do like. I won't say what it is, but I like many things about them and feel strongly about joining these Sisters but I can't help but feel that the order doesn't want me. I just think because they have never had a new person join from my country (they are all foreign) and are all older and know each other well they won't be accepting of me. I feel like they only go through with interviewing me and all that just out of duty. I hope I make sense here. I'm just concerned. It feels like these Sisters are like a club and I won't fit in. At first when I met with this community I was keen but after a few meetings with them and the Vocations Sister who I've been in contact with she does not seem keen on me and I'm a bit put off. Any advice? Anyone else felt like this? I don't know what to do :( Edited March 15, 2014 by Blue.Rose Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luigi Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 I could mean that God has something better in mind for you. If they don't want you, why would you want them? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marigold Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 Why not be honest and ask them how they feel about you? If you have visited and been in contact several times, then it's not unreasonable to ask whether they are seriously considering you, and if so, how to develop the relationship. There could be a hundred reasons for them seeming cold, or none at all! Better to find out than let your mind run away with you :) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maximillion Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 Can you say (to yourself) what behaviours/responses you are getting that are giving this impression? I am saying this because feelings, any kind of feelings, are not a reliable guide to action. If you can back up your gut feeling by citing to yourself 'there was this, and this time they said/did that' then you have evidence that goes beyond feelings, and what you intimate may in fact be true. If there is no substantial evidence ( try to be as honest as you can and don't interpret) to back up the feeling, then it may be something you feel that is not reflected in reality. Maybe you don't feel worthy, or you see the sisters and think 'I won't fit in', then interpret what is said or done to fit with your perception. I don't know, but feelings alone are not useful. Ultimately, I agree with Marigold - ask. That way you will be certain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SilentJoy Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 Maybe they are trying to give you plenty of room because they don't want you to feel like you're under any pressure to make a decision? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AdvocataNostra Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 I had the same experience with a larger more "popular order". I thought feeling put off was normal and I stuck it out for 3 long years. Finally I came to realize I wasn't called there and am seriously discerning with a different order where I feel filly accepted and supported and am taking steps towards applying. I'm not saying this is your case. Just my experience. You have my prayers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnlySunshine Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 It could also be a cultural barrier. When I studied Business Communications, we had a module on intercultural communications and how people from the US and other countries don't always understand each other. Non-verbal communication was a huge problem in some circumstances because of hand signals meaning two different things. So, what you perceive to be non-acceptance may actually be something else but the community doesn't understand your reservations. This, I believe, is something to investigate further because there might just be communication differences. It would only be a problem if these differences weren't able to be resolved or if it was something else altogether. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pia Jesu Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 The posters here all have excellent advice, BlueRose. I had a Carmelite prioress tell me that she often (purposefully) lets inquirers wait for a response (to a letter or phone call, for example) to see how earnest or serious they are! In this age of instant-access technology, waiting can be disconcerting--and as the others have said----easily misinterpreted. The poet Rainer Maria Rilke tells us to "have patience with everything unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves." Ask for God's grace to help you relax into the unknown...and trust that the right door (for you) will open! :heart: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spem in alium Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 It could certainly be a cultural or age barrier. The majority of Sisters in the order I'm most interested in are older and European, and I have experienced some of what you mention. It is hard to make connections when you don't speak the same language, and what has most helped me establish relationships and to feel accepted is simply being present with them before the Lord. As Maximillion says, try not to base your inclinations solely on feelings. You need to be open with them in order for them to be able to completely support and walk with you, so if you feel confident enough try and voice your feelings. I will pray for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FutureSister2009 Posted March 15, 2014 Share Posted March 15, 2014 I know what that's like when an Order you love doesn't want you. Its kind of a smack in the face. I was in love with an Order but the Vocation director said no. I guess I wasn't good enough or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blue.Rose Posted March 16, 2014 Author Share Posted March 16, 2014 As much as I want to be a nun I'm starting to feel I have a duty to care for one of my parents and live in the world. This is not my will but one of my parents will be left alone and financially not well off if I leave them, so I'm wondering if it's God's will that I remain in the world caring for my parent? I'm sad about thinking that I might not join an order and my parent says that they don't want me living with them in the future but I think they really know they can't live alone without my help. So confused! :/ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FutureSister2009 Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 I could mean that God has something better in mind for you. If they don't want you, why would you want them? I totally agree with this. I was so upset about being rejected. Now I'm over it. They don't want me, I don't want them. Its their loss. They're missing something good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spem in alium Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 As much as I want to be a nun I'm starting to feel I have a duty to care for one of my parents and live in the world. This is not my will but one of my parents will be left alone and financially not well off if I leave them, so I'm wondering if it's God's will that I remain in the world caring for my parent? I'm sad about thinking that I might not join an order and my parent says that they don't want me living with them in the future but I think they really know they can't live alone without my help. So confused! :/ That would be rough and certainly confusing. In my view, the best thing would be to try and speak to someone you trust, like a spiritual director or priest. Also, I recommend you pray for God's will for you to be revealed and accepted, whatever it may be. Look at Psalm 139; it's particularly useful in discernment. And remember to never close yourself off to opportunities. Caring for your parent and living in the world may indeed be your current vocation, but not necessarily your lifelong vocation. Trust that God will guide you along the path of fulfillment and peace. God bless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sister Marie Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 I know what that's like when an Order you love doesn't want you. Its kind of a smack in the face. I was in love with an Order but the Vocation director said no. I guess I wasn't good enough or something. I totally agree with this. I was so upset about being rejected. Now I'm over it. They don't want me, I don't want them. Its their loss. They're missing something good. I'm sorry you had to face that pain of rejection, FutureSister. It's difficult when you are convinced that something is for you when it isn't. I don't know how long ago this rejection occurred but it seems like you are understandably upset about it. When I read the two posts I quoted above I hear a hardness in your words towards both yourself and the community. It's really sad to read. Obviously, I don't know what happened between you and the community but I hope at some point you can see it through the perspective of God's will. Discernment isn't about being good enough or someone being the loser if it doesn't work out the way we want it to. Discernment is about finding God's will and trying to do it to the best of our ability. In the case of discerning religious life that means two entities are doing the discerning - the community and the person. Neither has the 100% knowledge of God's will but each has a part and we can be wrong about God's will. This discernment doesn't stop once someone enters a community. Everything that happens in the life of a religious is discerned by both the sister and the community because of the vow of obedience. That means that even if you want something and are sure it is God's will - it may not be - and you may receive an answer of "no" from the community. Or it could be that you were right but that in obedience you must accept the discernment of the community in regards to you. Of course, I'm not speaking about matters of moral value but of other issues that you could face. I hope you find some peace as time goes on. i don't know if you have a spiritual director but it is something I find indispensable in my own life especially in times like these. It has made all the difference for me as I've discerned and lived the ups and downs of religious life. God is good and there is goodness in everything and in every situation. Recognizing it and engaging the transformative power of those moments is the goal of the person truly trying to move closer to God. I hope you can experience this purifying power in the situation you are in right now. Please know of my prayers for you as you keep journeying closer to God. If you ever want to chat, send me a PM. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheresaThoma Posted March 16, 2014 Share Posted March 16, 2014 Something else to consider is that each community has a different way of working with potential candidates. I have discerned with a community where the VD and I were in pretty close contact. And now with a community where we don't communicate as frequently. At first I was really confused about the second community's response but I came to realize they are still interested but they don't want to make me feel pressured at all, leaving it more between God and myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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