Managing Temper

[mortify ii]

Peace be with you,

 

Ideally, I'd like to end a conversation if I'm getting angry because of how vicious I'll be, telling the other person that we can continue when I'm in a better frame of mind. It takes me hours if not an entire day to cool down. I cool down by thinking about thinking about the fight, journaling about the fight, and listening to music or watching videos on youtube to distract me.
 

 

I read a book about anger by Paul Hauck, the main thing is realizing that people do not make us angry, we make ourselves angry. Basically the way it works is that an event happens, e.g. your mom makes an ignorant comment, you interpret this comment as something terrible and needing correction, so you feel angry. Essentially your mood follows the internal dialogue in your mind and not the other way around. If you could avoid catastrophizing or making mountains out of mole hills to put it another way, your anger would subside. If for example your mom made a very rude comment and you could convince yourself that her making such a comment really isn't that bad, then your anger would subside. You can convinced yourself of this by realizing that these are just words, in themselves they can do nothing to you, it is you who makes them into something more and end up hurting yourself (remember, anger does nothing to your mom! It only riles you up and destroys your whole day!) Furthermore, realize that people don't say and do wrong things intentionally, they are either ignorant, neurotic, or misguided. If someone has a psychological imbalance due to bad chemistry in their brain or is rashly attaching you without understanding the fully picture, can you really blame them? If they didn't have that psychological imbalance or if they could acquire the full knowledge necessary to see the things as you see them, they would agree with you. 

 

I recommend Paul Hauck's book, these principles can be used to address other issues including anxiety and depression. The key is always the internal dialogue in your mind, that is where your emotions and moods stem from. Again, it's a mistake to think your mood dictates the internal dialogue, it's the other way around (I have to emphasize this!) 

 

Be practical, anger's not worth it.

[mortify ii]

Peace again Therese!

 

I'm not trying to avoid the problem. I don't know how else to calm down.

 

Have you ever tried facing your anger? And I mean REALLY facing it. Next time you sense this irratability, focus in on your body and describe to yourself what your feeling. Maybe you feel tightness in your chest, your head swelling, etc. Experience these sensations, analyze them. Realize they are the result of your autonomic nervous system acting on your body. The adrenelin in your body is causing your heart to race fast, your blood to circulate faster, your face to turn read, the lining of your chest to react, etc. Try to see if you can make these sensations worse (yes, worse!) You may notice focusing in on these feelings makes them lessen. What I hope you will realize is that these sensations are just sensations, in and of themselves they are nothing to get worried about. If you can realize that these sensations arent really that bad, accept them for the time being. Continue to do your work, and carry on with your day despite having them. Eventually your body will relax and in time your anger will subside. The reason being that right what you are doing is only feeding the fight-or-flight response in your body, consequently causing your body to release more adrenelin  which consequently fosters more symptoms of anger. If you accept these sensations realizing they are not that bad, your sensitized nerves will relax and consequently your whole body will be more tranquel.

 

What I said here is based on a book by Claire Weekes called Help and Healing for your Nerves. It's an AWESOME book, originally written for people suffering from nervous breakdowns or anxiety, but again the principles can be applied to anger. 

 

I of course am not a psychologist, but can offer what I learned through my own study and combating my own issues. 

 

God bless

[tinytherese]

Lol, I was supposed to go to bed (work tomorrow.) and here I procrastinate!

I love youtube! Have you seen, "honest trailers" and, "movie sins" videos? Hilarious!

What are your favorite channels? Or videos?

The fact that you worry about fighting with your loved ones' speaks volumes. You're going to be fine. And your mom is going to be fine. Honest.

Do NOT overthink this. It will pass and you'll find bigger things to worry about later. And you'll solve those, too. It's part of life!

Smile, watch youtube! You'll get a good job, things will get better. All of this will pass. Life is all about growing. Just relax and cut yourself some slack!

BEWARE SCRUPULOSITY. Again, practicing a faith or no, nothing good comes from it.

Good luck! Keep posting your updates. You're gonna be fine.

I enjoy Honest Trailers, Messy Mondays, Nostalgia Critic, Monty Python sketches, How It Should Have Ended, some songs from Starkid musicals.

[Slappo]

Do you apologize to your mother when your outbursts are hurtful (such as telling her f u)? I find I hold anger in my heart a lot longer if I don't apologize, and after I apologize it tends to dissipate very quickly.

 

It's extremely hard to apologize to someone you are still mad at, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be done if you've done something wrong. Even if you just apologize for yelling or swearing. An apology for an argument isn't an admission that the other person's views were right, only that you handled the situation poorly.

[blazeingstar]

Messy Mondays,

 

Good grief, how does he not raise your blood pressure?

[tinytherese]

Do you apologize to your mother when your outbursts are hurtful (such as telling her f u)? I find I hold anger in my heart a lot longer if I don't apologize, and after I apologize it tends to dissipate very quickly.

It's extremely hard to apologize to someone you are still mad at, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be done if you've done something wrong. Even if you just apologize for yelling or swearing. An apology for an argument isn't an admission that the other person's views were right, only that you handled the situation poorly.

I've apologized afterwards. Mom says that she knows that people say things that they don't mean when they're angry.

[NotreDame]

I've apologized afterwards. Mom says that she knows that people say things that they don't mean when they're angry.

What about your Dad?

 

[tinytherese]

Have you considered taking a Myers-Briggs Career Aptitude Test? Your local community college probably has one available through the counseling and/or testing center for a low price. I took one a few years ago and realized my best career was in healthcare. I'd recommend calling the college and seeing what your options are.

I've taken the Myers-Briggs Personality Indicator and I'm an ISFJ. Most of the career suggestions definitely don't fit me. My particular personality type is referred to as a helper, but I've come to be depressed by the problems of others. I've become more prone to cynicism through the last couple years.

[tinytherese]

What about your Dad?

I have a very different relationship with him. He's verbally abusive and despite all that time he was in therapy for his behavior, he didn't change. Time and time again, I've tried to talk rationally with him and tell him how I feel, but he laughs at what I say and other such rude responses like, "You're just being sensitive" or "Can't you take a joke?"

I don't confronting him about issues anymore because of how he responds. I think he has narcissistic personality disorder.

[NotreDame]

and your parents are together?  And you currently live with them?

[SilentJoy]

I have a very different relationship with him. He's verbally abusive and despite all that time he was in therapy for his behavior, he didn't change. Time and time again, I've tried to talk rationally with him and tell him how I feel, but he laughs at what I say and other such rude responses like, "You're just being sensitive" or "Can't you take a joke?"

I don't confronting him about issues anymore because of how he responds. I think he has narcissistic personality disorder.

 

I'll put on my paper Psych Hat and say "Right thar's yer problem, sister."

 

Maybe your anger is directed toward Mom because she is the "safe" one to get angry with; unleashing emotions at a rational person (Mom) is a lot different than the alternative (Dad). You hate to be so mad at Mom, but when you do lash out, its more or less a safe place to be; she has demonstrated that she cares about you and understands that you probably don't mean all the crappy stuff you say. Whereas Dad just doesn't seem to care about you, and goes so far as to add insult to injury.

 

(Paper Psych Hat is off now.)

[OnlySunshine]

I've taken the Myers-Briggs Personality Indicator and I'm an ISFJ. Most of the career suggestions definitely don't fit me. My particular personality type is referred to as a helper, but I've come to be depressed by the problems of others. I've become more prone to cynicism through the last couple years.

 

I, too, am an ISFJ.  I think depression is pretty common in people with sensing-feeling personality types because we absorb a lot of the external environment in a personal way.  I understand about the career choices being a problem.  Some of them I find incredibly mundane and would never figure I would possess an interest in them.  But, not all of the career choices are related to problem-solving, healthcare, or even social needs.  Some of the choices I received that might fit you would be:

 

Office manager or support staff (administrative assistant)

Interior Decorators

Paralegals

Bookkeeping

Librarian

 

You mentioned that you, at one time, possessed an interest in theology.  Have you considered working in a diocesan office as part of the support staff?  In my diocese, there are always openings available for administrative assistants.  This might be a potential direction for you.  Of course, you probably need to complete some course work in computers and office administration.  Before I transferred to the university to get a Bachelor's in Health Administration, I was majoring in an Associate in Science in Office Administration.  My focus was on medical office but they also had general studies and legal office.  You might look into this.  Take one or two classes to see what fits.  You'll never know until you try!  ;)

[tinytherese]

I, too, am an ISFJ. I think depression is pretty common in people with sensing-feeling personality types because we absorb a lot of the external environment in a personal way. I understand about the career choices being a problem. Some of them I find incredibly mundane and would never figure I would possess an interest in them. But, not all of the career choices are related to problem-solving, healthcare, or even social needs. Some of the choices I received that might fit you would be:

Office manager or support staff (administrative assistant)
Interior Decorators
Paralegals
Bookkeeping
Librarian

You mentioned that you, at one time, possessed an interest in theology. Have you considered working in a diocesan office as part of the support staff? In my diocese, there are always openings available for administrative assistants. This might be a potential direction for you. Of course, you probably need to complete some course work in computers and office administration. Before I transferred to the university to get a Bachelor's in Health Administration, I was majoring in an Associate in Science in Office Administration. My focus was on medical office but they also had general studies and legal office. You might look into this. Take one or two classes to see what fits. You'll never know until you try! ;)

Thank you, I'll look into some of those options. I have a BA in Theology and wanted to direct religious education, teach theology in a Catholic high school, or with an advanced degree do catechesis for a diocese, but for reasons I won't get into I don't want to do those careers or anything to do with theology.

[tinytherese]

and your parents are together? And you currently live with them?

Miraculously, they're still married to each other. They've always had a dysfunctional marriage. Mom confided to me thought that she wants to divorce him. She might years from now. (She's been talking about divorcing him for years.)

I live with them and my 12 year old brother. Edited March 10, 2014 by tinytherese

[OnlySunshine]

Thank you, I'll look into some of those options. I have a BA in Theology and wanted to direct religious education, teach theology in a Catholic high school, or with an advanced degree do catechesis for a diocese, but for reasons I won't get into I don't want to do those careers or anything to do with theology.

 

Glad I could help.  I can definitely understand the social aspect, especially because of the ASD problem (you saw my thread).  That's why I think working in a business office or diocesan office would be a good fit for you.  Here, we have a diocesan center for family and marriage which hosts a LOT of different events for the diocese.  My friend, who was a Sister in a religious order for a short time, became an administrative assistant there when she discerned out.  Her background is in nursing but she had worked in administration before.  Definitely see what you can come up with on your diocese's website for employment listings.  Maybe talk to someone at your new parish to see if they need help in the business office.  Even if you can't find a paid position, a volunteer position is a GREAT way to get your foot in the door and make some contacts for references in the future!  That's also a good way to find out if you like it without making a serious commitment just yet.  :)