Managing Temper

[tinytherese]

When I get angry, I yell, clench my fists, shake, cry, scream, curse, name call, get really defensive about what the other person says to me, and say f u to them.

The only time that I got violent when angry is when I spanked my younger brother when he was rude to me.

Ideally, I'd like to end a conversation if I'm getting angry because of how vicious I'll be, telling the other person that we can continue when I'm in a better frame of mind. It takes me hours if not an entire day to cool down. I cool down by thinking about thinking about the fight, journaling about the fight, and listening to music or watching videos on youtube to distract me.

I didn't grow a temper until a few years ago. The main person that I get angry with is my mom.

She complains about how my younger brother behaves but rarely gives him a consequence.

We also have different views about Catholicism. For example, we once had a heated argument when she said that as a lawyer, she advises her teenage clients to contracept when she sees that they're just going to have sex anyway. I refused to tell her why I transferred to another parish because of how ugly that conversation would have gone. She would've defended the liturgical abuses going on and the Barney the Dinosaur homilies.

What really sets me off is when she's confused about something that I'm going through and I keep explaining it to her multiple times and she still misinterprets. I get infuriated by how she still doesn't understand what I'm saying despite simplifying it as much as possible multiple times that I lose my patience with her and yell about her lack of intelligence.

We've been fighting a lot throughout the past month regarding my unemployment and not knowing what to do with my life. I enrolled in a certificate program that didn't go as planned. My mom thinks that I'm making up excuses whenever something gets hard, but I keep telling her that there are some challenges that I can get through and others that I just can't. I have learning challenges that she never had.

I've been in therapy for some time regarding things such as my depression, stress, social anxiety, and my Asperger Syndrome.

I'm seeing a career counselor at a community college now who will hopefully help me figure out what to do.

[OnlySunshine]

It sounds like we have a lot of the same difficulties as I have a tendency to take things too personal and then blow the situation WAY out of proportion.  I'm doing much better now because of therapy (my therapist is Catholic and wonderful; she's a Cognitive-Behavioral Therapist that helps me understand what causes problems and how to fix them).  If you have access to CBT, I highly recommend it as it is better than traditional psychology where the therapist just sits there and listens to you without giving any solutions on how to fix it (I hate traditional therapy for that reason). 

 

For the most part, try to remember that you and your mom will always have disagreements because not everyone will share your same view.  It's OK to believe what you believe, but it's impossible to force your view on others.  Your mom is in charge of disciplining your little brother and how she handles her law practice.  While you can try to calmly explain to her an alternative solution, she is the one who has to want to change.  You cannot force her to change.  This is what my therapist reiterates over and over again and it makes sense.  Turn the problem around and see it from their angle.  Would you want some one telling you how to do things?  Once you understand that disagreements are common and it often takes time to see change, you'll have a much better relationship with your mom.

 

As far as the problem of not knowing what you want to do with your life, well, I've been down that road.  I'm still unemployed but I am focused and more driven thanks again to CBT.  I'm on an antidepressant that helps with stability.  I'm majoring in Health Administration right now.  The unemployment issue might not be resolved for a while since I'm going to school full-time and need plenty of time to complete my homework.  My mom used to get after me for quitting things and being unemployed but now that I'm making honor roll grades, she doesn't get on to me anymore.  Your mom wants you to succeed and, though her approach isn't desirable, it's her way of telling you she's worried.  What would you do if the shoe were on the other foot?  Have you considered taking a Myers-Briggs Career Aptitude Test?  Your local community college probably has one available through the counseling and/or testing center for a low price.  I took one a few years ago and realized my best career was in healthcare.  I'd recommend calling the college and seeing what your options are.

 

I hope this helps.  Remember to be gentle with yourself.  Change won't happen overnight, just gradually.  Go to Confession and spend time in Adoration.  Make this Lent about personal growth and change.  God bless!

 

 

[blazeingstar]

If your anger really did start 2 years ago, I'd say you might want to go to the DR and have a full allergy and hormone work up.

[SilentJoy]

If your anger really did start 2 years ago, I'd say you might want to go to the DR and have a full allergy and hormone work up.

 

As a child I had bizarre outbursts of anger when I ate corn, wheat or milk products. Shots and sublingual drops tricked my body into learning to process these foods normally. In the meantime, whenever I would start losing control, mom would make me drink Alka-Seltzer; not sure why that worked, but it did (unless I poured it down the sink instead...)

 

Food allergies/sensitivities can develop over time; it might help to keep track of you anger and see if it can be connected with certain foods in your diet, or see if an antihistamine helps calm you down...
 

[freudianslippers]

Or you could just relax and realize that life is frustrating. You're not the first person to get angry at your parents or vice versa. It's life.

 

Just relax. So your mom doesn't understand your problems. Don't tell her about them. Find a friend to talk to. Just give your mom the, "good parts" edition and let her retire peacefully. It's not as common as you think, to have your parents approve of everything you do in your adulthood. It's not about right and wrong, but about perspective. She's entitled to her opinion and you to yours.

 

You're a spitfire? It's a personality thing. Learn to use it constructively.

 

I believe in ice cream. What helps you when you're angry?

[OnlySunshine]

As a child I had bizarre outbursts of anger when I ate corn, wheat or milk products. Shots and sublingual drops tricked my body into learning to process these foods normally. In the meantime, whenever I would start losing control, mom would make me drink Alka-Seltzer; not sure why that worked, but it did (unless I poured it down the sink instead...)

 

Food allergies/sensitivities can develop over time; it might help to keep track of you anger and see if it can be connected with certain foods in your diet, or see if an antihistamine helps calm you down...
 

 

There might be something to this.  People on the autistic spectrum tend to have intolerances to gluten and dairy (usually dairy goes hand in hand with gluten because of intestinal problems).  Once I gave up wheat and gluten, I was much better, especially with the therapy combo.  :)

[add]

Anger causes blindness , it is best, To avoid it Instead give in to whatever ails you and stand your ground

[freudianslippers]

Good - freaking - grief!

 

Ok, as a fallen away Catholic, let me point out, even God got angry. Jesus made a whip and drove people out of a temple, no? So not all anger is bad? Worrying about this will only make you more tense and lead to more outbursts.

Really and truly, if you're in the thick of it, dealing with someone you love, it's going to be hard when they don't agree with you.

 

Just take a breath, find a laughing point, (ice cream with friends works for me, what works for you?), and just relax. You're not god. Find someone you can talk to. And stop being so tense. It only makes your life worse.

 

Practicing or no, this is good advice. At least consider it.

 

K, signing out. good luck. :)

[Deus te Amat]

Good - freaking - grief!

Ok, as a fallen away Catholic, let me point out, even God got angry. Jesus made a whip and drove people out of a temple, no? So not all anger is bad? Worrying about this will only make you more tense and lead to more outbursts.

Really and truly, if you're in the thick of it, dealing with someone you love, it's going to be hard when they don't agree with you.

Just take a breath, find a laughing point, (ice cream with friends works for me, what works for you?), and just relax. You're not god. Find someone you can talk to. And stop being so tense. It only makes your life worse.

Practicing or no, this is good advice. At least consider it.

K, signing out. good luck. :)

There is a difference between the Righteous Anger Christ exhibited and Anger as one of the seven deadly sins. There is a reason it is on that list of vices; it can be harmful to both the person who is angry and to the person on the receiving end of that anger. Yes, anger can be appropriate, but it takes a good deal of prudence to know when those situations occur.

Different people have different vices. Different personalities, upbringings, genetics, situations, etc. can all influence a person's susceptibility to the vice. TinyTherese, you have identified your anger as an issue. The solution is to find the best way for you to deal with it appropriately. I don't know how you best deal with avoiding sin, but I would suggest identifying the why beneath your anger instead of being frustrated at being angry.

Know of my prayers. I have my own set of vices to work on.

[Deus te Amat]

Also: anger is often about control. Something to think about.

[tinytherese]

So your mom doesn't understand your problems. Don't tell her about them. Find a friend to talk to. Just give your mom the, "good parts" edition and let her retire peacefully. It's not as common as you think, to have your parents approve of everything you do in your adulthood. It's not about right and wrong, but about perspective. She's entitled to her opinion and you to yours.

You're a spitfire? It's a personality thing. Learn to use it constructively.
I believe in ice cream. What helps you when you're angry?

Again, what calms me down is being alone spending time on youtube.

[Deus te Amat]

Again, what calms me down is being alone spending time on youtube.

I don't mean to offend, but, speaking from my own experience, it sounds like you're avoiding the real problem through escapism. It doesn't help in the long run.

[tinytherese]

I've noticed that lately I often can't look at my mom without feeling irritable. The fighting that we've been going through this past month or so has been so rough that I'm nervous about talking to her about anything.

What's a pain is how it takes me hours to calm down when I'm angry. Sometimes saying, "Can we please continue talking about this tomorrow? I'm at the boiling point" isn't practical because we need to solve an immediate problem.

I want to know how to dialogue with my mom and others in a respectful as opposed to what I've been doing.

[tinytherese]

I don't mean to offend, but, speaking from my own experience, it sounds like you're avoiding the real problem through escapism. It doesn't help in the long run.

I'm not trying to avoid the problem. I don't know how else to calm down.

[freudianslippers]

Again, what calms me down is being alone spending time on youtube.

 

Lol, I was supposed to go to bed (work tomorrow.) and here I procrastinate!

 

I love youtube! Have you seen, "honest trailers" and, "movie sins" videos? Hilarious!

 

What are your favorite channels? Or videos?

 

The fact that you worry about fighting with your loved ones' speaks volumes. You're going to be fine. And your mom is going to be fine. Honest.

 

Do NOT overthink this. It will pass and you'll find bigger things to worry about later. And you'll solve those, too. It's part of life!

 

Smile, watch youtube! You'll get a good job, things will get better. All of this will pass. Life is all about growing. Just relax and cut yourself some slack! 

 

BEWARE SCRUPULOSITY. Again, practicing a faith or no, nothing good comes from it.

 

Good luck! Keep posting your updates. You're gonna be fine.