MissyP89 Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 A few weeks ago, there was a thread asking if it was appropriate for a married man to spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex. I was surprised at the number of married folks here who almost universally agreed that was generally a bad idea. Maybe it's because I'm not married yet, but I found that confusing. I'm all for protecting the marriage and establishing healthy boundaries with others of both sexes, but I'm not sure why being alone with others is a problem for so many people. Can you guys explain this to me some more? I'm not looking to start a debate, just wanting further insight. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Winchester Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 There's a moral hazard to it. It's simply a fact to acknowledge, not obsess over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IgnatiusofLoyola Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 I missed that thread, so I don't know the circumstances in question. Whether it's a good idea or not, in many cases, traveling with male colleagues is required by your work. I took LOTS of overnight business trips with male colleagues--it was just expected by the firm I worked for, and no one thought twice about it, so it wasn't an occasion for gossip. I took road trips with male colleagues and shared meals with them. What I wouldn't do was to go into their hotel room--or they to mine. (Not that it ever came up.) I very much think it depends on the circumstance. Also, if you were to find yourself being attracted to another man (sexual attraction to others doesn't go away after marriage), I would suggest trying to make sure that you were never alone with him in a room with a door that closed. In marriage, there is the "videotape rule." You should never do or say anything to another man that your spouse couldn't freely see if you were being videotaped. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
franciscanheart Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Let me save us all a lot of time: When Harry Met Sally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IgnatiusofLoyola Posted February 26, 2014 Share Posted February 26, 2014 Let me save us all a lot of time: When Harry Met Sally. I apologize for my ignorance. What did the movie "When Harry Met Sally" say? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissyP89 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Share Posted February 27, 2014 Pretty much that you can't have a friend of the opposite sex because sexual attraction always gets in the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
franciscanheart Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 (edited) I apologize for my ignorance. What did the movie "When Harry Met Sally" say? Men and women cannot be friends. If proximity breeds intimacy and men and women are incapable of being friends only, then people would not spend time alone together with the opposite sex lest they become friends and eventually have to have sex. Someone mentioned something similar in my thread about gay stuff (saying he would always have to be with at least two women in a public place) and I thought it was weird, but maybe it's because I'm gay? Don't know. This is weird to me, too. Why they would need to spend a lot of time alone together, I don't know, but then again, I'm not a huge fan of assuming people are going to get it on when they aren't supposed to. Edited February 27, 2014 by franciscanheart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HisChildForever Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 A few weeks ago, there was a thread asking if it was appropriate for a married man to spend time alone with someone of the opposite sex. I was surprised at the number of married folks here who almost universally agreed that was generally a bad idea. Maybe it's because I'm not married yet, but I found that confusing. I'm all for protecting the marriage and establishing healthy boundaries with others of both sexes, but I'm not sure why being alone with others is a problem for so many people. Can you guys explain this to me some more? I'm not looking to start a debate, just wanting further insight. My fiance has female friends he has known for years -- he's grown up with one in particular and never have they been an "item." In fact I like her so much she's going to be one of my bridesmaids. I don't mind when he sees her from time to time. Likewise I travel into the city alone to meet up with guy friends (not me and multiple guy friends, me and just one guy friend) and he never bats an eye about it. He intends to "cut" the majority of female friends out of his life in the coming months, though--the kind you meet in college that you catch up with just once a year--and we're really looking into establishing couple friendships. Provided we put each other first and make sure the other is 100% comfortable I don't see a problem. I mean we're not talking taking an opposite-sex friend out for a nice dinner but meeting up at Starbucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slappo Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Someone mentioned something similar in my thread about gay stuff (saying he would always have to be with at least two women in a public place) and I thought it was weird, but maybe it's because I'm gay? Don't know. That was me, and I wouldn't have to, but I choose to. If I had plans with 2 other friends and one had to bail at the last minute, I'm not going to call off plans, but I'm also not going to ask another female co-worker/friend out to lunch 1 on 1. That's a date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IgnatiusofLoyola Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Men and women cannot be friends. If proximity breeds intimacy and men and women are incapable of being friends only, then people would not spend time alone together with the opposite sex lest they become friends and eventually have to have sex. Someone mentioned something similar in my thread about gay stuff (saying he would always have to be with at least two women in a public place) and I thought it was weird, but maybe it's because I'm gay? Don't know. This is weird to me, too. Why they would need to spend a lot of time alone together, I don't know, but then again, I'm not a huge fan of assuming people are going to get it on when they aren't supposed to. I know that some people think that men and women can't be just friends, but I think that view is just plain wrong. I know that because I have had several close friends who were men--and they were not just work mates and not gay. For example, in my first year of grad school I hung out continuously with a male friend of mine. We were very close friends and there was never even a hint of sex between us. In my case, I was not only not sexually attracted to him, but he was the boyfriend of my closest friend, who was attending a different college 400 miles away. He was like a brother to me--to even think of something physical happening between us would have felt like incest. I also hung out with his roommates and there was never any hint that they were sexually interested in me. I don't know if guys really do think about sex all the time or not. All I know is that there have been several guys with whom have been close friends--and many others who have been less close friends or work mates--with no problems of sex or sexual tension. Then again, I don't look like Meg Ryan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HisChildForever Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 If I had plans with 2 other friends and one had to bail at the last minute, I'm not going to call off plans, but I'm also not going to ask another female co-worker/friend out to lunch 1 on 1. That's a date. Oh totally. I am absolutely against having one-on-ones with NEW friends of the opposite-sex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IgnatiusofLoyola Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Oh totally. I am absolutely against having one-on-ones with NEW friends of the opposite-sex. I'm not saying I would go out to lunch with a male co-worker. But, if a male coworker wanted to have a business meeting, I would have lunch with him in the company cafeteria. Also, if I was on an overnight business trip with a male coworker, I would have dinner with him in a public restaurant. However, as always, the "videotape" rule would apply. Again, at the company where I worked, all these things were common custom, and it was accepted that these were not dates. I never had any problem with any of my male coworkers in these situations. Then again, I also never flirted with them. If I had been in a different workplace with different rules and expectations, I might have acted differently. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CatholicCid Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 Is this the thread in question: http://www.phatmass.com/phorum/topic/133127-appropriate-or-not/ If so, the OP mentions, and fleshes out, a possible attraction that one of the parties may have had in relation to the other and that at least one of the spouses involved was uncomfortable with the gathering. I think both of those factors would have played a part in the discussion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HisChildForever Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 I'm not saying I would go out to lunch with a male co-worker. But, if a male coworker wanted to have a business meeting, I would have lunch with him in the company cafeteria. Also, if I was on an overnight business trip with a male coworker, I would have dinner with him in a public restaurant. Hm yeah but that sounds like business is the primary reason why you're together. Which is acceptable in my eyes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
franciscanheart Posted February 27, 2014 Share Posted February 27, 2014 My responses regarding When Harry Met Sally were mostly tongue-in-cheek. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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