How Do You Prefer To Grieve?

[Kateri89]

Ok so this is random but I was just thinking about the fact that whenever I'm really upset about something (and by upset I mean sad and crying), I would prefer to be left alone.  I don't want hugs or consoling words.  I literally just want that time to be by myself and to let it all out.  My sister is the same way and we understand each other lol but my mom just can't seem to wrap her head around that.  When she's upset and crying, she wants a hug and she wants support.  I'm guessing most people are like that.

 

Does anybody know any of the psychology behind this?  Is it normal to shy away from consolation when you're upset?  I know that everybody grieves differently and quite honestly I'm not worried about it but I am curious.  I couldn't find any articles online about it and I know there's tons of research on stages of grieving, etc.  When people try to comfort me, it just makes me cry even harder and makes it worse.  Reverse the situation and I'm more than willing to give my mother a hug if she's upset; I just have the opposite preference for myself.  It's not that I'm unwilling to deal with my emotions but I'd rather do so in solitude.

 

Thoughts?

[Lilllabettt]

I have had only one profound experience of grief in my life.

During that time, I alternated - sometimes day to day, sometimes hour to hour, sometimes moment to moment --  between an urgent need to feel connected to people - be "around" them, acknowledged, and "held" by them -- and an equally urgent need to be alone with the only creature who could really get what I was going through - me. In those moments any attempt people made to comfort me just made me more frustrated and upset.  

 

That swinging to and fro lasted for about a year.

 

Later I noticed a parallel between what happened to me and dear Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane.  I guess everyone's path is different ... but I would not be surprised if many people in profound grief go through that pendulum experience. 

 

 

[PhuturePriest]

I am a very extroverted and physically affectionate person. Whenever I have a problem or something is bothering me, my immediate reaction is wanting to talk about it with a friend. When I'm grieving, I want a friend to hold me and cry into their shoulder. Not everyone is this way, though, and that's okay.

 

But it's honestly a case-by-case basis. If I'm around friends, then I will absolutely do the above. But I'm not as comfortable around my family, so if I were around my family, I wouldn't even let them know I was sad and/or grieving and would let my emotions out in secret in my room.

[CatherineM]

I handle grief horribly. I spent several weeks living on a deserted beach in Mexico after my dad died. I can go completely wonky. I really want to be left alone.

[Spem in alium]

For me it depends on the situation and people I'm with. Sometimes I need comfort from someone else, other times I separate myself. 

[brandelynmarie]

I too, have had the alternating experience with grief as well. And this is each time I've grieved...I will hermit alot...stay in bed & cry my eyes out & not want to socialize...but the day my dad was dying, a dear friend stayed in touch with texts & phonecalls & another friend simply fed me dinner after he passed...& I needed them & I was very grateful. But I do spend more time alone trying to process everything & part of it is that I'm "crabby" & know I won't make good company...

[cruciatacara]

Kubler-Ross defined five stages of griefand in each stage a person may experience times of needing/wanting others or solitude. We're all different and go through these stages (and there are other models of grief)at various times and in various ways. There is no one way to experience grief.

The stages, popularly known by the acronym DABDA, include:[2]

1.Denial — As the reality of loss is hard to face, one of the first reactions to follow the loss is Denial. What this means is that the person is trying to shut out the reality or magnitude of their situation, and begin to develop a false, preferable reality.

2.Anger — "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Anger can manifest itself in different ways. People can be angry with themselves, or with others, and especially those who are close to them. It is important to remain detached and nonjudgmental when dealing with a person experiencing anger from grief.

3.Bargaining — "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if…"
The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow undo or avoid a cause of grief. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Other times, they will use any thing valuable as a bargaining chip against another human agency to extend or prolong the life they live. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just do something to buy more time…" People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?" when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it is a matter of life or death.

4.Depression — "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die soon so what's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
During the fourth stage, the grieving person begins to understand the certainty of death. Much like the existential concept of The Void, the idea of living becomes pointless. Things begin to lose meaning to the griever. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and sullen. This process allows the grieving person to disconnect from things of love and affection, possibly in an attempt to avoid further trauma. Depression could be referred to as the dress rehearsal for the 'aftermath'. It is a kind of acceptance with emotional attachment. It is natural to feel sadness, regret, fear, and uncertainty when going through this stage. Feeling those emotions shows that the person has begun to accept the situation. Often times, this is the ideal path to take, to find closure and make their ways to the fifth step, Acceptance.

5.Acceptance — "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality or inevitable future, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event. This stage varies according to the person's situation. People dying can enter this stage a long time before the people they leave behind, who must pass through their own individual stages of dealing with the grief. This typically comes with a calm, retrospective view for the individual, and a stable mindset.

[maximillion]

What is normal? How long is a piece of string?

 

What you do is right and normal for you. What your mum or Joe Bloggs does is right and normal for them.

 

Though Kubler Ross is often quoted, as the above poster mentioned there are other models, and even with KR people can yoyo back and forth between the stages she states, it is not a linear event and progression.

 

One grieves how one grieves. The important thing is to grieve and not to suppress.

[blazeingstar]

I think it not only depends on the person, it depends on who died and how.

 

With my Fiancee's grandfather who died the weekend after we'd neglected to see him, I wanted to hear comfort but I wanted to be alone because I felt guilty.

 

With my friend's suicide, I wanted to connect for a long time.  I wanted to be near her family and I wanted my friends to know and to be comforted.  Nearly 2 years later I still want to be comforted by someone close.

 

[SilentJoy]

Not only death, but any kind of loss may begin a grieving process of some sort. I loved my grandparents but for some reason I never grieved when they died; I pretended to cry at the funeral of one of my grandmothers (I was 9 or 10) only because I thought it was the socially appropriate reaction. What I've really grieved over in my life have been the losses of friendships and places.

 

Personally I need to be alone in a quiet place where I can sob or just think without any interruptions.

[maximillion]

Since most of my family died when I was younger and I was more than overwhelmed, it all came out when I lost a dog I had had for 19 years.

 

I cried for him and for all the other losses too.

[Selah]

Usually when I am acting goofy and funny and trying to be silly and laugh...that's how I grieve.

 

Until I fall into bed and sob myself to sleep.

 

I just don't like grieving in public.