arfink Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I like what most people here have had to say. However, I will add that I would not consider anything you do or say on Phatmass to be anonymous in any serious sense of the word. I've known a great many people on these phorums who have been "outed" very easily, often by complete accident and by total strangers, by people who didn't even have their IP address. The software itself is not terribly secure either, in that regard. Just thought you should be aware... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarysLittleFlower Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 So I have been discussing with a woman in the choir about working together on a duet. She wanted to meet at her house to practice. I'm smart enough to know that it would not be appropriate for me, a married man, to be meeting with a woman alone at her house, but she is married and has two children ages 4 and 5, and I thought the presence of the children would make things "safe." I don't have any attraction for this woman, though my wife thinks she has one for me, but at any rate, what's gonna happen if there are children of this age around? I think it's appropriate to meet with her in this "day care" environment, but my wife "disagrees." I'm not going to push this as far as my wife is concerned and will forget the idea if she persists in threatening to kill me if I go ahead and practice at her house, but I'm curious what others think about this. I don't think it's a good idea because even if "nothing happens", being alone with the woman (even if there are kids.. you know what I mean, not in mixed company) - could create a sense of 'intimacy' that could turn to a temptation, - in the heart if not in actions. I'd avoid this and practice during choir. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Semper Catholic Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Would you "be cool" with your wife going over to another man's house, a man you think may have the hots for your wife and them being alone together? If you say yes, I seriously doubt that answer would actually be true. My fiancee and myself both have worked (in my case on a 6 month deployment away from her) closely with the opposite gender. She's an attractive girl so it doesn't surprise me that other guys would be attracted to her. At the least there's a certain level of professionalism that I expect in a working or in this case a social environment. That speaks to common decency not just relationships. It doesn't even begin to scratch the surface on the fact that this a woman who you have given your entire life and devotion too. To answer your question I have and have had absolutely no issues with my significant other working closely with men. I trust her completely and she's never given me a single reason not too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightofChrist Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I've already agreed that I will not go there with just her and the children. Once again, I thought the children caused it to be safe, but I've "rethunk" that from the perspective of appearances and for my wife's sake. I'm now looking for a way to include another adult, and also for a way to tell her that compassionately and without unduly embarrassing her. And I don't know that she has the "hots" for me. I've got 15 years on her. It could be a fatherly or brotherly thing. That post was solely directed at Semper, in a attempt to get him to think about how he would feel about a similar but different case that would effect him personally. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pliny Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 I don't think it's a good idea because even if "nothing happens", being alone with the woman (even if there are kids.. you know what I mean, not in mixed company) - could create a sense of 'intimacy' that could turn to a temptation, - in the heart if not in actions. I'd avoid this and practice during choir. That's a very good point. But I'm now at the point where I've accepted your thinking and that of many here, and am looking for a way to gracefully tell her that we need to do this a different way. But there is no time to do this at choir practice. This is an extra that needs to be done another time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightofChrist Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 To answer your question I have and have had absolutely no issues with my significant other working closely with men. I trust her completely and she's never given me a single reason not too. Again I would reason that if you believed a man was attracted to your wife you would not really be cool with him being alone together with you future wife. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Semper Catholic Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I find it kind of puzzling that phatmassers are so hung up on "temptation" and the fact that someone might be attracted to someone else. Is it really so hard to believe in monogamy and trust? That's called an adult relationship. Doesn't even begin to go into the fact this guy is married which should theoretically make him even more trustworthy. Guess not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Semper Catholic Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 (edited) Again I would reason that if you believed a man was attracted to your wife you would not really be cool with him being alone together with you future wife. Why because guys somehow turn into rape monsters when they get a girl they think is hot all alone? Ask FP about the friendzone. Point is, it's not about the other person. It's about how strong your relationship is with your significant other and if you really trust them or not. If you can't trust that person alone with another adult well it speaks to much deeper issues. Edited February 19, 2014 by Semper Catholic Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pliny Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 Again I would reason that if you believed a man was attracted to your wife you would not really be cool with him being alone together with you future wife. I realize this post was not directed at me, but to make it perfectly clear, I never wanted to be "alone" with this woman and I thought that the children were enough to keep it from being "alone," but I did think about it as you suggested and realized that I might not think two children are a sufficient "barrier" if my wife were in a similar situation. So I don't think I would like it either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightofChrist Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Why because guys somehow turn into rape monsters when they get a girl they think is hot all alone? Ask FP about the friendzone. Point is, it's not about the other person. It's about how strong your relationship is with your significant other and if you really trust them or not. If you can't trust that person alone with another adult well it speaks to much deeper issues. I don't buy it. You just want to put people down as old fuddie duddies as you do all too often. If your future wife asked you not to be alone with a woman that was attracted to you and you did anyway, or vise versa there would be issues with trust, but the fault would not be with the one asking the other not to go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KnightofChrist Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 (edited) I realize this post was not directed at me, but to make it perfectly clear, I never wanted to be "alone" with this woman and I thought that the children were enough to keep it from being "alone," but I did think about it as you suggested and realized that I might not think two children are a sufficient "barrier" if my wife were in a similar situation. So I don't think I would like it either. I understand. I hope you find a way to practice your duet without upsetting anyone. Edited February 19, 2014 by KnightofChrist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basilisa Marie Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 I find it kind of puzzling that phatmassers are so hung up on "temptation" and the fact that someone might be attracted to someone else. Is it really so hard to believe in monogamy and trust? That's called an adult relationship. Doesn't even begin to go into the fact this guy is married which should theoretically make him even more trustworthy. Guess not. Part of it has to do with the mentality that it's always easier and better to just avoid situations where any kind of temptation could possibly occur, to make it literally impossible to sin. It's not about not trusting the person you're with, it's about not wanting to put yourself in a situation where you'd need to be trusted in the first place. There's nothing wrong with knowing your limits and your own weaknesses. Not everyone is able to completely trust themselves or their partner in all situations, because everyone is different when it comes to sexual temptation. As long as they're open and honest with the person they're with and find a way to work things out, there isn't anything wrong with it. Even if it seems weird. It doesn't automatically mean that there are deeper issues, it's just a different way of doing things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Basilisa Marie Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 That's a very good point. But I'm now at the point where I've accepted your thinking and that of many here, and am looking for a way to gracefully tell her that we need to do this a different way. But there is no time to do this at choir practice. This is an extra that needs to be done another time. When I was in my church's choir, people who had to practice extra parts did that right before or right after rehearsal. Maybe that's an idea? Good luck figuring it out! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pliny Posted February 19, 2014 Author Share Posted February 19, 2014 (edited) We will eventually figure out the logistics. I would really like to change the subject now and discuss the best way to explain to my friend that we can't practice with just me, her, and her two children. I don't want to offend her. As bad as things might have looked, her intentions might have been perfectly innocent. Or even if not "perfectly," I want to let her save face and not feel as though we all think she is an evil temptress. I want to get out practicing "alone" in a way that is kind and compassionate. Edited February 19, 2014 by Pliny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbTherese Posted February 19, 2014 Share Posted February 19, 2014 Would telling this woman that you don't feel comfortable about meeting outside of the choir environment help. I don't think you need go into details - just that you are not entirely comfortable with the notion for some reason. You might not be able to speak with her during choir practise, but you could ask very briefly to speak to her after practise. I hope you find a way to deal with the situation comfortably for yourself and for this other woman and keep it as a prayer intention. I will pray with you in spirit. God's blessings Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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