Appropriate Or Not

[blazeingstar]

My to-be husband works in a very tight space focusing on computers.  All of his co-workers are male.  THANK GOODNESS.

 

Neither of us are comfortable with close-quarters, long-hours co-workers.  It just sends the wrong message even though this day it's considered "all cool"

 

I would never put myself now, or in the future, into a situation like you said.  The only males besides my Fiancee that I am ever alone with are family.  My fiancee is the same way.  When we had to play drop a car off for a kayack trip, even though the females were strangers we decided that it would be better for the females to stay while the men played carswap.  That's just the way it is.

 

Not only that but 2 little kids my also get the wrong idea and say something embarrassing that could turn scandalous.  leaning over to examine the music may very much look like how their father kisses their mother.

[Lil Red]

also, if my husband went ahead and did this, knowing how upset I already was about it, ticked off would be the kindest way to describe how I would feel.

[Semper Catholic]

Trustissues.jpeg

[blazeingstar]

Trustissues.jpeg

 

Uhhh no.  The wife feels this woman's intentions aren't the best.  Even if both Pliny and the woman had 100% pure intentions with two small children things can get lost in translation or confused.

 

There's no good reason that 2 members of a choir should work alone on a duet that has not been specifically asked by the choir itself.  Being that music is a standardized system, each person could learn their part and come to the choir practice a bit early.  Coming over to another house, given the other factors in this situation is just asking for trouble.

 

Given that the OP has also questioned the motives of the priest and others in the parish, I would say that he should be extra careful around any members to ensure that there is no reason he would draw undue attention to himself or cause scandal.

[BarbTherese]

I would not put my marital relationship in difficulty or worse -  for the sake of a choir/duet practise.

[cruciatacara]

I think you already know the answer to this question but are hoping for a little wiggle room by asking for opinions because you feel stimulated by the fact that 1) your wife thinks this woman likes you and 2) you think you might be tempted.

 

I can't believe you would even bring this to a public forum when your wife has already said she 'would kill' you if you did it. Seriously mate?

 

 

[ImageTrinity]

I absolutely agree with everyone else. Respect your wife's instinct. You may also want to decide together what your boundaries are for relationships with members of the opposite gender so it isn't an issue in the future.

 

Is there any reason why you couldn't just practice at the church?

[Pliny]

I think you already know the answer to this question but are hoping for a little wiggle room by asking for opinions because you feel stimulated by the fact that 1) your wife thinks this woman likes you and 2) you think you might be tempted.

 

I can't believe you would even bring this to a public forum when your wife has already said she 'would kill' you if you did it. Seriously mate?

 

You've crossed a line and presumed too much.  I was convinced that the presence of children created a natural barrier, but because of this thread I am rethinking that.  Shame on you for presuming bad intentions on my part for posting this.

 

Believe it that I WILL post on a public from time to time about personal issues.  I'm doing so anonymously. I appreciate knowing others' perspectives and can't see that I'm doing any harm to anyone or hurting anything here, since this thread seems to have generated an interesting discussion.  So now that I've gotten that out of the way, you don't have to make the effort anymore to make any more "I can't believe you're posting this..." type of statements.

 

My wife did NOT say "I will kill you...".  I was exaggerating.  (Obviously)

 

I am not the slightest bit tempted, and from my perspective I am 100% certain nothing would happen under these circumstances, even if she answered the door naked.

 

Further, it creeps me out a little that you are speculating that I've been "stimulated."  That is not the case, but if and when that happens, you'll be the very first to know.  I'll send you a PM.   ;)

Edited February 19, 2014 by Pliny

[Semper Catholic]

Like I insinuated before, if your wife thinks that you can't be alone with another woman without something possibly happening then there are major trust issues there.

If people on this forum think it's somehow inappropriate for two adults of different genders to be left alone then they also have major issues or are seriously warped.

Edited February 19, 2014 by Semper Catholic

[cruciatacara]

You've crossed a line and presumed too much.  I was convinced that the presence of children created a natural barrier, but because of this thread I am rethinking that.  Shame on you for presuming bad intentions on my part for posting this.
 
Believe it that I WILL post on a public from time to time about personal issues.  I'm doing so anonymously. I appreciate knowing others' perspectives and can't see that I'm doing any harm to anyone or hurting anything here, since this thread seems to have generated an interesting discussion.  So now that I've gotten that out of the way, you don't have to make the effort anymore to make any more "I can't believe you're posting this..." type of statements.
 
My wife did NOT say "I will kill you...".  I was exaggerating.  (Obviously)
 
I am not the slightest bit tempted, and from my perspective I am 100% certain nothing would happen under these circumstances, even if she answered the door naked.
 
Further, it creeps me out a little that you are speculating that I've been "stimulated."  That is not the case, but if and when that happens, you'll be the very first to know.  I'll send you a PM.   ;)

 
Look, you post certain things and people are going to come to their own conclusions. You say you imagine you could be tempted but then say that maybe you would be stronger than that - and well, why would you even put yourself in such a situation? And your idea that children make a natural barrier - well, that's just odd in my thinking. If the woman is indeed attracted to you, what's to stop her making sure the kids are in another room, etc. Either you are very naïve or just deluding yourself.

 

To be totally honest, being the weak man that I am, I could imagine myself being tempted and making a pass at someone in certain situations (and this is only in my imagination--maybe I would be stronger than that, but I'm not going test myself), but not in front of children that age.

You made a statement that indicated your wife is strongly opposed to this but you try to second guess her judgment by asking others if she is being reasonable or not. Hardly very supportive of your wife in any case.

 

If you don't like criticism then perhaps asking for opinions online isn't such a good idea for you? I am just one voice giving one opinion. Maybe if it stings a little, then it might help you to look a little close at your motivations? Rehearsing a duet can be done in a lot of places but honestly, if my wife felt so strongly about something like this, I would give the whole idea of duet with a woman she worries about! Listen to your wife. Respect your marriage.

[Pliny]

Thank you those of you who have manners and who made thoughtful posts.

 

All I want to do is work on a piece that I think would be a moving reflection piece or prelude.  That's it as far as I'm concerned.  I want to make a contribution to the liturgy.

 

I never had the intention of meeting this woman anywhere alone.  I had no such motives ever.  I thought that the presence of children made things safe, but others, including my wife, have a different opinion about that.  It's very practical for many reasons to have the practice at her house, so I'm going to try to do this in a way so that her husband is also present, or there is the possibility of another adult being there from the choir.

 

So my question now, especially for those of you who are thoughtful and compassionate, is how do I tell this to my friend so that I don't hurt her?  I don't want her to think that anyone thinks she has evil intentions.  We still need to give her the benefit of the doubt. How can I do this in a way that is kind and face-saving?

[Pliny]

If you don't like criticism then perhaps asking for opinions online isn't such a good idea for you? I am just one voice giving one opinion. Maybe if it stings a little, then it might help you to look a little close at your motivations? Rehearsing a duet can be done in a lot of places but honestly, if my wife felt so strongly about something like this, I would give the whole idea of duet with a woman she worries about! Listen to your wife. Respect your marriage.

 

  

bleep off dude.  You didn't "sting" me in the slightest.

 

I wasn't asking for opinions about my "stimulation" but about whether children create a natural boundary in this case.  Got it?

[KnightofChrist]

Like I insinuated before, if your wife thinks that you can't be alone with another woman without something possibly happening then there are major trust issues there.

If people on this forum think it's somehow inappropriate for two adults of different genders to be left alone then they also have major issues or are seriously warped.

Would you "be cool" with your wife going over to another man's house, a man you think may have the hots for your wife and them being alone together? If you say yes, I seriously doubt that answer would actually be true. Edited February 19, 2014 by KnightofChrist

[cruciatacara]

bleep off dude.  You didn't "sting" me in the slightest.

 

I wasn't asking for opinions about my "stimulation" but about whether children create a natural boundary in this case.  Got it?

 

For some reason that word really frightens you. It means more than what you think it means. One can be stimulated to perform well or to exceed etc; on the other hand, one can be stimulated to forget morals or do something not necessarily in character.

 

The way I used it was to indicate that perhaps the whole idea of another woman finding you attractive heightens your sense of emotional excitement. It is the whole theory behind why some men go through 'male menopause' and seek out younger women - to feel young again. In your case, I was simply referring to the thrill of being appreciated by someone of the opposite gender. Could I be wrong about your motivations? Of course. Your overreaction to a word indicates to me that even you wonder about them just a little.

 

As for children creating a natural boundary? Why would you need a boundary unless there was some concern about the situation in the first place?

 

You keep ignoring the whole issue - which is your wife's feelings. You want to do something -sing a duet. Your needs. She doesn't want you to do it a particular way or perhaps with a particular person- her needs. Marriage is self-giving. Take whatever steps are appropriate to give to your wife and remove all her fears.
 

[Pliny]

Would you "be cool" with your wife going over to another man's house, a man you think may have the hots for your wife and them being alone together? If you say yes, I seriously doubt that answer would actually be true.

 

I've already agreed that I will not go there with just her and the children.  Once again, I thought the children caused it to be safe, but I've "rethunk" that from the perspective of appearances and for my wife's sake.  I'm now looking for a way to include another adult, and also for a way to tell her that compassionately and without unduly embarrassing her.  And I don't know that she has the "hots" for me. I've got 15 years on her.  It could be a fatherly or brotherly thing.