Should A Parish Priest Have Friends And Favorites?

[blazeingstar]

It would be sad if the priest didn't have friends.  I invite the associate pastor of my parish to my house for dinner every other month or so along with a few other friends.

 

You know what's kind of ironic?  I actually am NOT friends with the retired priest in residence and the pastor, so I don't invite them.  (one is INSANELY liberal, the other one is just a bit boring).

 

I know this same priest (and others) have said that they "can't" go over to parishioner's houses.  They are in an order and that dictates things.  For instance, if it was just me (single female) he couldn't come,  or even me and my friend or me and my fiancee',  however he can come if its 3+ people besides him.

 

My guess is that he probably was busy or saw some kind of red flag that made him behave in a way that would discourage you from being a friend.  That, or the family is not really his friends but he is being kind while they press him to talk.  Or maybe he has learned that he can make friends.  There are a million reasons.

[Pliny]

It is from John's Gospel. And it is traditionally seen as John's way of talking about himself without using his name.

 

So John was telling us that Jesus loved him best of all?

 

Could a sacred writer have some prejudice?  Or was there a deeper meaning?

[Basilisa Marie]

Is it correct? I don't know.  It's certainly normal.  There's always a certain kind of "in crowd" at churches, and it usually revolves around the priest. 

 

Some families make a big deal out of having the parish priest be an important person in their lives, and enjoy being close to him. They're the ones that usually initiate it.  Are you close enough with that family that you could ask them about it? Even just a simple "hey you guys seem to be pretty close with Fr. Whatshisname."  

[Pliny]

My guess is that he probably was busy or saw some kind of red flag that made him behave in a way that would discourage you from being a friend.  That, or the family is not really his friends but he is being kind while they press him to talk.  Or maybe he has learned that he can make friends.  There are a million reasons.

 

 

I have tried to explain this situation, but I think it will not be possible, though I'll try again.  I am not yet good friends with this family, but I am on friendly terms with them.  I'm hoping some day we can be friends.  Several times it has happened that the priest has show up during our conversations and found a way to chase me away, leaving him in my place. 

 

But maybe that's normal?  Doesn't seem so to me, but I think it's too complex a situation to discuss on a board.

 

I don't know what the "red flag" could be.  Isn't it possible that sometimes priests can be jerks?

[Basilisa Marie]

I have tried to explain this situation, but I think it will not be possible, though I'll try again.  I am not yet good friends with this family, but I am on friendly terms with them.  I'm hoping some day we can be friends.  Several times it has happened that the priest has show up during our conversations and found a way to chase me away, leaving him in my place. 

 

But maybe that's normal?  Doesn't seem so to me, but I think it's too complex a situation to discuss on a board.

 

I don't know what the "red flag" could be.  Isn't it possible that sometimes priests can be jerks?

 

Yeah, it's possible priests can be jerks. But how does he chase you away? Does he literally ask you to leave? 

[Nihil Obstat]

Sometimes people just do not want to spend their personal time with certain people.
A priest has an obligation to minister to his flock and to be very holy. If his friendships hinder that in any way, they are inappropriate. If not, then they are not.

[Pliny]

I think the point has been missed enough times that I should forget about receiving any useful answers...

[blazeingstar]

I think the point has been missed enough times that I should forget about receiving any useful answers...

 

 

Ummm....you asked if priests can be friends with parishoners

 

Answer: yes, as much or as little as they want.

 

Do priests have restrictions in their friendships?

Answer: Sometimes.  It can depend on their superiors.  The diocean priests have no restctritions but are often "smart" about being alone with another person.  The religious priests at my nearby parish can come to a house with 3+ people.  The franciscans I know can only travel in pairs.

 

 

Is the priest being unfair in this case?

 

We don't know.  He seems to like to interact with this family.  It seems after he inserts himself in this situation you believe you are unwelcome.  We have no evidence that this is true, nor have you given us an example.  Just that you are trying to get in with this family.  What more help do you want?

[Pliny]

Thank you blazingstar, but I was looking for something more substantial than opinions, besides that fact that most responses did not address the question.

 

The priest in question told me himself that it is inappropriate for him to have parishioners as friends, so would these posts be sufficient to give him permission to do so?  

 

I have numerous examples but I don't think they will post well.  You'll have to trust me or at least accept hypothetically that this priest makes it clear to me that I am not welcome when he and his little group is present.

[blazeingstar]

Pliny,

 

The priest could just be a jerk.

 

OR

 

He could of said it with 100% meaning it, then realized he may be wrong and embarrassed by his actions so wants to avoid you.  

 

OR

 

He was hurt and lashed out at you because he was having a bad day, and didn't mean what he said.

 

OR

 

My best guess is that the family themselves may be dealing with a situation that requires not friendship, but pastoral council.  In this case not only he, but other members may tend to give you the cold shoulder because they want his advice.  Given that he isn't moving the group to a more private setting (say his office or house) in a manner that would be clearly exclusinary.  The fact that he seems to purpously be keeping himself in an open place would indicate that he is not relaxed, even though he may seem that way when speaking with the family.  Sometimes the most outwardly normal families have deep, scary problems...skeletons like sexual abuse, anger, hate, etc.

 

 

 

Basically you're asking if as a priest should he be held to his word.  Of course.  But until you actually know what's going on (which you may never), you really don't know if he's a jerk breaking his word, a hurting individual who is being ministered to, or if he is ministering to this family about something you don't know.

[Lil Red]

There is a priest at our parish who after Mass or other events always gravitates to talking with a particular small family or one of the members of that family.  And I have noticed that if I'm talking with that family or a member of that family, if he shows up, he usually dismisses me in some way and ends up talking with them himself.

 

Besides the fact that I find this irritating and sometimes a little hurtful (which I suppose is my problem and I'll have to find a way to conquer my sensitivity), is this correct behavior for a priest?

 

The ironic thing is one day he told me that he is not there to "make friends" and I asked him who he talks to when he needs friends and he said "other priests."

 

of course priests should have friends! they definitely need them. but the way you described your priest behaving is a little troubling. my former boss (and priest) played favorites like this, and it was very hurtful to other people. in my opinion (for what it's worth), part of the job of the priest before & after Mass is (for lack of a better word/phrase) glad-handing. he should be courteous and friendly to all parishioners, not constantly gravitating to a particular group.

 

i am happy that where we attend Mass now, the priest is friendly to all the parishioners. I have never seen or heard him treat someone discourteously.

 

on another note, perhaps your priest has a personal problem with you? not that i agree with the way he is treating you, but it might explain his behavior?

[Lil Red]

Pliny,

 

The priest could just be a jerk.

 

OR

 

He could of said it with 100% meaning it, then realized he may be wrong and embarrassed by his actions so wants to avoid you.  

 

OR

 

He was hurt and lashed out at you because he was having a bad day, and didn't mean what he said.

 

OR

 

My best guess is that the family themselves may be dealing with a situation that requires not friendship, but pastoral council.  In this case not only he, but other members may tend to give you the cold shoulder because they want his advice.  Given that he isn't moving the group to a more private setting (say his office or house) in a manner that would be clearly exclusinary.  The fact that he seems to purpously be keeping himself in an open place would indicate that he is not relaxed, even though he may seem that way when speaking with the family.  Sometimes the most outwardly normal families have deep, scary problems...skeletons like sexual abuse, anger, hate, etc.

 

 

 

Basically you're asking if as a priest should he be held to his word.  Of course.  But until you actually know what's going on (which you may never), you really don't know if he's a jerk breaking his word, a hurting individual who is being ministered to, or if he is ministering to this family about something you don't know.

 

great post. :)
 

[Pliny]

of course priests should have friends! they definitely need them. but the way you described your priest behaving is a little troubling. my former boss (and priest) played favorites like this, and it was very hurtful to other people. in my opinion (for what it's worth), part of the job of the priest before & after Mass is (for lack of a better word/phrase) glad-handing. he should be courteous and friendly to all parishioners, not constantly gravitating to a particular group.

 

i am happy that where we attend Mass now, the priest is friendly to all the parishioners. I have never seen or heard him treat someone discourteously.

 

on another note, perhaps your priest has a personal problem with you? not that i agree with the way he is treating you, but it might explain his behavior?

 

Thank you very much Lil Red for trying to see this from my perspective.

 

I can't think of a reason he should have a personal problem with me.  I certainly would be willing to discuss that with him.  I think maybe I'm just not interesting to him and I'm fine with that.  I really don't have that much interest in being friends with either of our priests.  I like to be friendly with them when we naturally meet, but that's about it.

 

Priests should have friends and this particular priest, during a time when he was being unusually friendly with me, told me that they should be other priests and people outside of the parish.  So from my perspective he's behaving very hypocritically.

 

I will admit that I have felt hurt at times, but not so much because he is rejecting me, but because he is also pushing me away from people who I want to be friends with and who seem to be in his exclusive club.

 

You hit the nail on the head:  He "plays favorites."  And regardless of my own feelings or whether they are appropriate, I don't think a priest should do that.

 

I had a falling out today with someone and quit my involvement in a project because of this priest, and that he makes me feel unwelcome.  Maybe it will get back to him and this will be addressed and hopefully resolved.

 

Stay tuned...

[cmaD2006]

 

My best guess is that the family themselves may be dealing with a situation that requires not friendship, but pastoral council.  In this case not only he, but other members may tend to give you the cold shoulder because they want his advice.  Given that he isn't moving the group to a more private setting (say his office or house) in a manner that would be clearly exclusinary.  The fact that he seems to purpously be keeping himself in an open place would indicate that he is not relaxed, even though he may seem that way when speaking with the family.  Sometimes the most outwardly normal families have deep, scary problems...skeletons like sexual abuse, anger, hate, etc.

 

This is what I thought immediately on reading the situation.

 

Case in point, at one parish that I was at there was a woman at the parish (call her Jane).  She had an annoying habit of not realizing when a conversation needed to be private with the parish priest, and she would just hang out in the sacristy (even when no one else was around).  I finally got to the point where if I was in a private conversation with the priest, and she came around, I would immediately stop talking because yes -- it is not her business.

 

So maybe there is a very delicate situation that is going on and that's why the priest shoos you away when he approaches the family (presumably to ask for an update). 

 

Sometimes it is the only opportunity that the priest may get to talk to the family (for whatever reason).

 

I don't know for sure if this is what is happening, but if the "favoritism" is that bothersome to you I would simply not go to the Mass where this priest is at, or go to a completely different parish.  You don't have to subject yourself to the situation.

 

Finally ... you can't be naieve.  Favoritism happens, and I'm sorry to say (and I dare to say) that it happens at most parishes.  I've seen it more than once.  I've been on both sides (where I've been a "favorite" and I've been a "reject" [for a lack of a better word]).  In a perfect world, no, it shouldn't happen, but the reality is that it *does* happen.  And you learn to deal with it in a positive way.

[PhuturePriest]

Ummm....you asked if priests can be friends with parishoners

 

Answer: yes, as much or as little as they want.

 

Do priests have restrictions in their friendships?

Answer: Sometimes.  It can depend on their superiors.  The diocean priests have no restctritions but are often "smart" about being alone with another person.  The religious priests at my nearby parish can come to a house with 3+ people.  The franciscans I know can only travel in pairs.

 

This exactly. My spiritual director and I are close enough that I would call us friends, but he always makes sure that when we have meetings, we are in a public place like a coffeehouse or restaurant, and that we are never sitting by each other. It ensures that nobody that sees us can accuse him of doing anything shady.
 

And yes, I'm aware this has nothing to do with the current situation. :P

Edited February 17, 2014 by FuturePriest387