Private Vows in The Laity/Spirituality

[WhoamI]

I will pray for you!

Our Lord heard his share of, umm, not-so-happy words over the past while from me as well. .. it's all been about TRUST, which has never been an easy thing for me; perhaps it isn't for anyone. Each time I thought that I had gotten used to a situation in life, it has changed, sometimes dramatically.  There is a sign on one of the churches here that I often pass when riding the bus: "if God is your copilot, switch seats."  I like it - it is a good reminder for me. 

[BarbTherese]

10 hours ago, WhoamI said:

I will pray for you!

Our Lord heard his share of, umm, not-so-happy words over the past while from me as well. .. it's all been about TRUST, which has never been an easy thing for me; perhaps it isn't for anyone. Each time I thought that I had gotten used to a situation in life, it has changed, sometimes dramatically.  There is a sign on one of the churches here that I often pass when riding the bus: "if God is your copilot, switch seats."  I like it - it is a good reminder for me. 

Thank you for prayer- I need it!

"if God is your copilot, switch seats."   I like that!

I wrote somewhere above that Jesus knows our emotional content etc. anyway, so useless for me to try and hide it.  A priest told me once that I put everything in God's Hands but then I take it from Him and tell Him that what He should do is this and this and that.  That was very true, but it was a journey for me to learn to confidently trust even when my emotions were elsewhere, trying to get control once again. I can be angry because things are not going as I think they should.  And I am still in the learning process. I think probably too that sharing my emotional content and the thoughts that flowed from them with Jesus, was a cathartic process for me since I stayed in touch with my inner self even the contrary part of me.

I think too that I need to put my sanctification fully in God's Hands because it certainly is not in mine.  And I cannot dictate to Him the road He is to take in my sanctification process.  I live my life according to my lights in confident trust in some most mysterious way that I am indeed being sanctified.  That is vastly different to my previous attitude and perspective, in which set up my idea of holiness and worked towards that.  I wanted and needed to be in control.  I am not.

I do think that when a situation is more like a crisis, or something serious to one in some way, confident trust is not easy at all and as you say perhaps for most of us.  But then I think too that our emotions are not always in our control and all that Jesus asks are acts of confident trust...the heartfelt desire to trust confidently and master emotions - and even when it seems an impossible quest, we go on questing......perhaps in such a situation, the fact that trust is difficult has real value, since it is easy to trust when we can really feel it.   I am still a stumbler and struggler and will always be I am sure.  It reminds me of: "[31] But many that are first, shall be last: and the last, first."

This is why I really hope our saints will not be sanitized, though some I think may have been.  They can show us how to be fully human and fully human on the road to holiness. (holiness = wholeness)

There is that beautiful prayer by Thomas Merton (I can't alter the formatting, apologies)-

http://www.goodreads.com/quotes/80913-my-lord-god-i-have-no-idea-where-i-am

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

― Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude

 

Edited May 10, 2016 by BarbaraTherese

[BarbTherese]

20 hours ago, WhoamI said:

 Each time I thought that I had gotten used to a situation in life, it has changed, sometimes dramatically.  

 

 

I was moved when I read the above - and really sorry for your experiences, WAI, and a truly distressing type of situation for sure to endure over a lifetime – especially if changes were not happy ones.  Although it is most always difficult if one has become used to and adjusted to a situation - and then is suddenly thrust into the unknown once more.  May your future unfold (I will pray) in a more stable and a humanly rewarding type of direction. 

 

Mary, Mother of Mercy!

There was a word I knew was missing "Although it is most always difficult if one has become used to and adjusted to a situation - and then is suddenly thrust into the unknown once more" ...........with consistency.......

[BarbTherese]

Pentecost Sunday - Come Holy Spirit

Cruising along in a pretty normal fashion and leaving on 23rd May for my son's wedding in another state, returning on 31st May.  My outfit for the wedding duly arrived and fit perfectly and dresses me like a presentable mature mother of the groom.  Very happy about that after all the drama that surrounded it and the owner of the boutique is a lovely woman and outstandingly helpful.  My son's wedding went from a simple small wedding to a quite large and formal type of wedding and I had to have something to wear.  Got it ok!  That drama is over.  Deo Gratius.  I don't know how many times I said: "You are in control, Lord, not me" as I tried to quieten down anxieties that the outfit would arrive and fit and look ok.  Australia Post can be an unreliable service and parcels for one state have been know to arrive in another........and that fed into anxiety too.

In July my brother's son and his wife shift to the USA permanently.  For their send-off here just before they leave, I have ordered on EBay a scarf with the American flag.

Bethany as a way of life might take a change of direction and this is allowed for in my rule of life.  I won't be seeing my SD until after I return from the wedding, but it's an item to discuss with him.

I am hoping that after the wedding, life will return to same old same old and a happy routine.  This coming week has a commitment every day including next Saturday, so it is going to be a bit of a rush to get done what I need to get done including packing - but today I will be setting up for myself a schedule of what I need do each day around appointments.  My brother will be shifting in for the week to care for Buddie, my little dog - and Missie, my cat.

While I am interstate, I will be going to Mass on Sunday 29th (Solemnity Body and Blood of Christ).  Very fortunately, my cab vouchers from the government give me a 50% discount on cab fares and I can use the vouchers interstate.  Fortunately again, The Catholic Church is not far from where I will be staying.  Later this week, I will be looking at the various times for Mass etc. at this Church.

God is gracious even protective of His least.  Deo Gratius.

So, as is evident, life consists of the most ordinary and everyday and the "sacrament of the present moment" and a mark of Bethany.  Jean Pierre du Caussade's work "Abandonment to Divine Providence" is also sometimes translated as "The Sacrament of The Present Moment".  I am nowhere near whatsoever, the heights of abandoning oneself to Divine Providence - the heights illustrated by du Caussade.......it is still a struggle and I expect it to always be so, but at least I can 'sight' the road I need travel and when I veer off it, I can 'see' the road to which I need return............abandonment to the Will of God and Divine Providence in every single moment.

http://www.catholicspiritualdirection.org/abandonment.pdf (pdf download of du Caussade's book)

Excerpts: "This is the ultimate object of all His designs to attain which He makes use of the worst of His creatures as

well as of the best, and of the most distressing events as well as of those which are pleasant and

agreeable. Our communion with Him is even more meritorious when the means that serve to make

it closer are repugnant to nature. If this be true, every moment of our lives may be a kind of

communion with the divine love, and this communion of every moment may produce as much fruit

in our souls as that which we receive in the Communion of the Body and Blood of the Son of God.

This latter, it is true, is efficacious sacramentally which the former cannot be, but on the other hand,

how much more frequently can it not be renewed, and what great increase of merit it can acquire

by the more perfect dispositions with which it may be accomplished. Consequently how true it is

that the more holy the life the more mysterious it becomes by its apparent simplicity and littleness...............

.........................." In vain will they pursue it with noisy clamours; turning a deaf ear it will remain untroubled and unmoved in that intimate peace in which it so advantageously exercises its love. This is the centre in which it reposes, or, if

you prefer it, it is the straight line traced by the hand of God. It will continue to walk therein, for

all its duties are plainly marked out in it and by following this line it fulfils them without confusion

or haste as they present themselves. For all else it holds itself in perfect liberty, always ready to

obey every movement of grace directly it perceives it, and to abandon itself to the care of Providence.

God makes known to this soul that He intends to be its Master, and to direct it by His grace; and

makes it understand that it cannot, without attacking the sovereign rights of its Creator, allow its

own liberty to be fettered

[WhoamI]

Wow. I haven't written here in some time. It has been busy - slowly the pieces of this puzzle called "living in the world" are coming together. ..getting a job, bank account, doctor, etc. 

I have my moments - when the tears come, and I know that I have to be patient with myself, but overall, I think I am adjusting. Our Lord is guiding me, and every once in awhile, He seems to let me see a little more clearly what He is asking of me...it is still way to early to make definite plans, so I am trying to remain with Him, not running ahead or lagging behind, one day at a time.

[BarbTherese]

Had a lovely and holy for me experience over these three days after Pentecost Sunday.  My 30yr (not 20yrs when In pause and actually count up) journey with serious psychotic episodes of bipolar had always seemed like a nightmare type of experience to me.  Bipolar onset with a psychotic break, after traumatic experience, when I was 28yrs of age. The trauma was probably the trigger for a bipolar gene to come to active life.   I knew I had lived those years intellectually, but they were more like a nightmare I had woken up from than an intrinsic part of the remembered days of my journey.......there was something a bit unreal about those years though I knew mentally I had lived them.

With my daughter in law calling me "Mum", I sent a text to my daughter in law to be (marrying my son on 28th May 2016) "Barb or Mum, take yer pick".  I got a text back, "Gidday Mum".  I leave for interstate and the wedding this coming Monday 23rd May.   My son's fiancé calling me Mum made me very happy and with that, I began to feel that I really was 70 years and a bit years of age - again my arrival at 70years was something I knew intellectually, but something a bit unreal about it.  If I looked in the mirror, I knew for sure I was 70 but my arrival at 70 was somehow a bit unreal.   It is a happy arrival at 70years and a bit.  I have a wall here dedicated to family pictures and there is one of me up there not all that long after bipolar onset.  It was taken at a party at my brother's place.  Those who look at this wall sometimes ask, "Who's that?".......it was me many years ago indeed now and probably I was then around 30yrs of age or so.

Now for me all has come together.  My 30year bipolar journey is my history and a real part of me internalised as are my 70years of age.  It is a great feeling, I feel somehow more of a person is the only way I can think to describe it.   I not only have the ends but they have joined now (not sort of dangling free as it were) and form the one strand of my journey to date, my history - the remembered days of my now internalised past. 

The above are the only ways I can think to describe things.

I have always had strong devotion since 7yrs of age to The Holy Spirit and now again I am giving heartfelt thanks for a new arrival point in my journey within the three days after Pentecost and special days for me.  Deo Gratius.

[BarbTherese]

19 hours ago, WhoamI said:

Wow. I haven't written here in some time. It has been busy - slowly the pieces of this puzzle called "living in the world" are coming together. ..getting a job, bank account, doctor, etc. 

I have my moments - when the tears come, and I know that I have to be patient with myself, but overall, I think I am adjusting. Our Lord is guiding me, and every once in awhile, He seems to let me see a little more clearly what He is asking of me...it is still way to early to make definite plans, so I am trying to remain with Him, not running ahead or lagging behind, one day at a time.

 

 

Was really happy, WAI, that you had secured work..........and that all the other vital matters related to life in the world seem to be coming together.  Deo Gratius!

 

Edited May 18, 2016 by BarbaraTherese

[BarbTherese]

The Galilee Song is my favourite by far and will be played at my funeral.  The image in the video of Jesus curing the blind person is a good one to me.  When The Lord opens one's eyes one can see the unimaginable.  Because I have the gift of sight, I need to empathise with the blind man and just how overwhelmingly stunning his first images of God's creation must have been.  The two telling words to me in the story are "born blind".

When one journeys into the darkness with Faith, leaving one's boats or security behind on the familiar shores of what was (and the known) - and one journeys into the unknown trustfully confident -  rather than struggles and battles to avoid darkness and the unknown, one is blind and moments can come along when one realises "born blind"..............I am 'seeing' what I had never 'seen' nor imagined before.

[Era Might]

14 minutes ago, BarbaraTherese said:

The Galilee Song is my favourite by far and will be played at my funeral.  The image in the video of Jesus curing the blind person is a good one to me.  When The Lord opens one's eyes one can see the unimaginable.  Because I have the gift of sight, I need to empathise with the blind man and just how overwhelmingly stunning his first images of God's creation must have been.  The two telling words to me in the story are "born blind".

When one journeys into the darkness with Faith, leaving one's boats or security behind on the familiar shores of what was (and the known) - and one journeys into the unknown trustfully confident -  rather than struggles and battles to avoid darkness and the unknown, one is blind and moments can come along when one realises "born blind"..............I am 'seeing' what I had never 'seen' nor imagined before.

One of the details I like about that story is the Pharisees ask the man's parents about him, and they say, he can answer for himself, he's of age. To be given sight, and all of Jesus' miracles, is both a great blessing but a great responsibility, because once you can see or walk or speak or hear, you are suddenly responsible for acting. His parents didn't want that responsibility, they were afraid of getting kicked out of the synagogue, so they passed the responsibility onto their son. Little did they know he had been born again, into a new life that they did not and could not give him. Now he could see and speak with power and responsibility, not as they did, with fear and cowardice.

Edited May 19, 2016 by Era Might

[BarbTherese]

4 minutes ago, Era Might said:

One of the details I like about that story is the Pharisees ask the man's parents about him, and they say, he can answer for himself, he's of age. To be given sight, and all of Jesus' miracles, is both a great blessing but a great responsibility, because once you can see or walk or speak or hear, you are suddenly responsible for acting. His parents didn't want that responsibility, they were afraid of getting kicked out of the synagogue, so they passed the responsibility onto their son. Little did they know he had been born again, into a new life that they did not and could not give him. Now he could see and speak with power and responsibility, not as they did, with fear and cowardice.

Thank you very much, Era - I missed your point above and now have something with which to move forward in reflections........

[BarbTherese]

Once it came home to me that body and soul are a partnership and created by God to be a partnership, not two separate entities as my pre V2 formation had taught with the soul most important and the body not important at all - I began to explore (after onset of bipolar) psychology searching for where the two were saying the same things differently.

The nun who taught me told that true science and true theology must always walk hand in hand and if they do not, then something is wrong in either the science or the theology.  God is Ultimate Reality and therefore studies etc. of reality (as in science and theology for example) must say essentially the same thing.

 

Quote

 

Three books that had a relatively big influence on my journey are "Gestalt Therapy" (Most people operate in an unstated context of conventional thought that obscures or avoids acknowledging how the world is. This is especially true of one's relations in the world and one's choices. Self-deception is the basis of inauthenticity: living that is not based on the truth of oneself in the world leads to feelings of dread, guilt and anxiety. Gestalt therapy provides a way of being authentic and meaningfully responsible for oneself. By becoming aware, one becomes able to choose and/or organize one's own existence in a meaningful manner (Jacobs, 1978; Yontef, 1982, 1983).

The existential view holds that people are endlessly remaking or discovering themselves. There is no essence of human nature to be discovered "once and for all." There are always new horizons, new problems and new opportunities. http://www.gestalt.org/yontef.htm)

 

 

 

Quote

 

 

And also Dr William Glasser's works :  "Reality Therapy" and "Choice Theory"

 

 

In some ways, the above books are probably written more for therapists.........but either directly or indirectly (between the lines) one can pick up what is relevant for oneself as well as take on board or discard and ignore as one finds appropriate.

Edit: "What is Reality Therapy?" http://www.angelfire.com/ab/brightminds/tReality.html

Edited May 19, 2016 by BarbaraTherese

[WhoamI]

This topic disappeared onto the second page...I must remedy that!

No time for a long post; it is late and I am tired. The last few days have been a struggle. I think it is hitting me that I am here, not in the convent, and have been dealing with that grief. It is tough, but I know that it is normal.  I'm trying to be patient with myself.

[BarbTherese]

Prayer

[BarbTherese]

Back to Bethany from interstate on Tuesday 31st May - it was a magical fairy tale wedding although tinged with sadness for me because they were not married in The Church - though both Catholic, my son's fiancé was divorced. It was my son's first marriage.  But who knows what lay around corners be that near or far and trustful confidence in The Lord trumps all things.  No matter circumstances He is right in the centre guiding all matters.

I came home with a dreadful cold and a backache giving me merry hell -  but much better as the days pass.  It was a very hectic week and I am so happy to be back in the peace and quiet of Bethany.  After the reception, quite a few guests came back to the newly marrieds' home and I think I got to bed around 4am. The reception and back home after was full of joy and celebration.

 My son and his wife leave for an interstate honeymoon for one week today and then later in the year a trip to Europe.

I think I am going to need a bit of time, a few days, to settle back to the norm.

_____________

I have run out of props but am reading all Prayer Requests and keeping them in prayer

[BarbTherese]

First, I am grateful to dUSt for the preview icon .........ONYA dUSt!!!

Next, I am just getting over the cold acquired, I think, while interstate.  Plus a couple of nights of broken sleep a few times through the night probably due to adjusting to the different bed from the one interstate.  But last night I slept like the proverbial and feel like I could climb a mountain.........well, perhaps not literally.

With routine slowly falling into place again, I am one happy chappy!

Bethany as lifestyle is cruising along as normal.  With the knowledge that I do still suffer bipolar disorder and probably will lifelong with it expressing its presence one way or another..........but thankfully not to date over the past 10years at least completely out of my control and being expressed as a psychotic episode requiring hospitalization - and certainly nowadays to date no interruption to my normal way of life here in Bethany and out in the general community........with no interruption to my relationships.  Nowadays now and then just some internal difficulties hidden from others.  These are for me outstanding blessings almost falling into the miraculous after the 20 odd years of being in the revolving door of a psychiatric hospital or ward.  I had resigned myself to a lifelong journey of the revolving door.  Our God of the Complete Surprise!

When I wrote the rule for Bethany as asked by my SD and then approved by him, I was very careful to cover likely occurrences due to bipolar or other interruptions to the norm due simply by being in private vows, living alone and out in the general community in lay secular life.  I was careful in the rule to cover illness and any off days.

When I wrote the original rule some 30years ago or more, which my then SD approved (priest theologian), Rule No. 8 caused much laughter and Joy with not only my SD, but my Carmelite nun pals as well, who thought it a thoroughly Carmeite type of rule including the touch of humour:  Rule 8. " All rules etc. are transcended by Rule 8: Use your common sense for goodness sake! ".  That entire rule of life painstakingly written over a long period by hand (no computer nor typewriter then) in an exercise book by draft and then carefully transcribed in another in final form, and after my SD approved and returned it - was left on a bus stop and lost forever.  My SD thought it hilarious, while then anyway, I could not see the funny side of things

I did include Rule 8 in my now Rule of Life for Bethany.  St Albert, in his original rule for Carmel wrote:

24. Here then are a few points I have written down to provide you with a standard of conduct to live up to; but our Lord, at his second coming, will reward anyone who does more than he is obliged to do. See that the bounds of common sense are not exceeded, however, for common sense is the guide of the virtues.

______________________

When Bethany as a way of life began to unfold clearly as a way of living, my Carmelite Prioress gave me the original Rule of Carmel as well as the original Constitutions of St Teresa to use as a guide for writing a rule.  Knowing me, her one instruction was "I suggest strongly rather than buying an ass, you get a bicycle" .  Here is what St Albert wrote and back in the days of St Teresa, an ass was used for transport:

_________________________

[13] You may have as many asses and mules as you need, however, and may keep a certain amount of livestock or poultry.

__________________________

I am heading towards 71years of age now and the one thing only still outstanding by far is that I am finding it hard to adjust to, very hard, is restricted mobility and energy to live as in the past.  I am finding my more mature years difficult, frustrating, in which to adjust.  I read somewhere that one of our saints used to pray: "Dear Lord, please use me" to which I am adding "and do not leave me useless unless it is Your Will.  And if so, please grant me the Grace to grow older gracefully in accordance with Your Will. Amen".

I am not gifted at all with the ability to spend long periods in prayer; however, during the routines of my day - tasks and duties etc. - I am often chatting away with Jesus conscious of His Presence.  Hence one of the adjustments I am trying to make is "Pray as you can, not as you cannot" and convincing myself that it is indeed living prayerfully and plenty of classical spiritual quotes that it is prayerful living.  I have chatted away interiorly thus for so long, I find it difficult to think of it as prayer at all, but it is I know.  And one can know something with conviction while not as yet entirely internalised.  Internalisation is what I am prayefully chasing. 

I do ask Jesus to never reply to me ..........PLEASE ..........."My psychiatrist will have a heart attack!"