Private Vows in The Laity/Spirituality

[BarbTherese]

Solemnity of The Assumption today and one year since the Home Mass.  Deo Gratius!

[BarbTherese]

I am finding that I need to be content to walk before aiming at any sort of flying in this new lifestyle.  First major thing that soon happened, or amongst the first, is that my sleeping pattern went upside down and I had to just let it go upside down until it started to adjust - I think it just might be now beginning to adjust.  I need to go to bed later and get up at around 7am - if I have slept soundly through the night.  I need to watch my sleep pattern due to bipolar and its sensitivity to lack of sleep. I was watching a TV program the other night and apparently we can go without food and water longer than sleep.  When working voluntarily 2 days week and 2 buses there and home - grocery shopping after, I was using up considerable energy.  Now I am using less and I think that is what caused the disruption in sleep.  Until it does adjust I am unable to get to morning weekday Mass the three weekdays Father celebrates - and need to be content with that just now.  Things can seem to fall into line and then fall out again and I need to be content with that too.

I bought an adult colouring book - but it is not my thing at all.  It occupies me for 15mins if that.  I keep looking longingly at the canvass I bought but without any sort of inspiration to paint or sketch. 

The days are still passing quite quickly but without any discernible regular type of 'timetable' as when I was doing voluntary work.   There is always something needing to be done and I watch more TV than before having fallen out of love with reading in the main. The really positive or rewarding fact is that my prayer schedule IS regular each day and I have increased it slightly with Midday Prayer.

Buddie is still a bit of a concern.  He finishes his course of antibiotics tomorrow.  He might cough twice in a day if that - and that is about all at least at this point anyway. Also, my son in Victoria turns 50 in Jan 2016 five days after I turn 70 and I planned to go over there.  Now he has announced that he and his fiancé will marry next May 2016, so it is going to take considerable saving for me to celebrate these two very important events necessitating travel interstate -  the only way I can save the necessary is to pull the belt in even tighter than now.  I would like to buy them a special gift if possible.

Where I am finding my Peace is in Divine Providence.  The Lord, who has brought me to this point, will take me wherever He Will - and, as in the past and especially during my active illness, eventually all will fall into place.  It is The Lord who will lead me into situations, through them and onwards......including in 'doldrums situations'.  I read somewhere once "If The Lord is not in the driver's seat, then move over".  I think probably today I can be infected with a 'cultural virus' if not careful.............having to be busy ALL THE TIME, doing stuff, to justify existence (and ward off guilt?) and sometimes especially 'validity' as a specifically lay Catholic: "What on earth do you do all day?".  This reminds me of Martha and Mary and the one who seeks to 'prod' the other into some kind of  'contributing' action.  It is possible to be really afraid of letting go the reins of control and just allowing The Lord take over.  "Seek after Peace and pursue it" (Psalm 34) .........

         ............and finding His Peace, find rest in it.

 

 

[BarbTherese]

I am quite surprised that my view count for this thread is maintaining around 20 views per day average and this has been so for quite some time now, while that amount tends to increase if I have newly posted.  So I keep posting into this thread now and then with updates since there SEEMS to be some continuing interest.

Some news.  I have found that keeping Buddie warm works (we are into early spring here, but still quite cold for our corner of the world this time of year).  Warmth seems to have held his cough at bay - and I am very thankful indeed for this.  It might cost me more in electricity costs, but it seems to be relieving Buddie of the cough and increased electricity cost will prove certainly less I am sure than vet bills.

My son (foster son) has organised a very good deal for me with Optus with the latest Apple iPhone - hence I should be able, before too long, to post some pics of Bethany - providing of course I can learn ok how to operate the jolly thing and given time I am sure I will.

I do not think that staying at home is for me at this point in my journey - and so I have applied to a charity for two days voluntary work.  I applied with them a few years ago and was asked to come in for an interview, but decided to stay with Anglicare.  I did receive a very nice email from the new charity at the time asking if I ever considered them again, to please contact them once more.  The benefit to me of this charity is that it is only one bus trip away with only a 230 metre walk involved, two days weekly 10am to 2pm.  I found that staying at home without voluntary work was proving difficult for me psychologically.  I was really missing two days weekly out and about and interacting with people - as well as that feeling of usefulness and personal reward that is intrinsic to voluntary work.   I daresay if I had persevered, my psychological disposition may have gradually changed.  My reasoning has been that just now in my journey if I am able, I prefer voluntary work.  The time will come I know when I just will not be able to do voluntary work due to age and frailty, if I get that far.  If I do get that far, then my only option will be to adjust psychologically.

I sent an email to the above charity last Wednesday asking if they were still interested in my application, they rang me and I had an interview on the following Friday (last week).  Providing my Police Clearance is ok (no reason why it shouldn't be - it will take 3 - 4 weeks as the charity is involved with children), arrangements will be made for me to start work.  They wanted two character references and both my parish priest and the Carmelite prioress I have known for many years agreed to be referees for me.

Am I doing what I should, or have I grabbed the reins of control once again.  I don't think there is any real way of knowing what is what for absolutely sure.  The important thing for me to focus on is that I do honestly and sincerely desire to live in God's Will and to follow His path for me - and for years now I have been entirely confident that if I am going wrong somehow, He will let me know somehow - either directly or indirectly through His Permissive Will and a very important theological concept indeed in understanding life and its problems, challenges and difficulties.  I trust in Him absolutely confidently.  It can sometimes concern me that I am merely finding any 'holy' rationalisation for my own decisions - and this is where spiritual direction comes into my picture and the matter is discussed with Father, although it is entirely logical/rightful to have logical reasons for one's decisions.  Rationalising is more about inventing reasons to justify one's decisions once the decision is made.

I haven't made an appointment with my SD just yet - there have been too many things happening that seemed up in the air to me.  I do not rely on Father to dictate my every move while I certainly discuss every move with Him and prior to the move if I think it necessary. We have spoken about and agreed on this.  My private vow of obedience is to The Church and my Rule of Life - under which Rule, I am bound to seriously and prayerfully ponder any advice my SD may pass on to me. Father has approved my Rule of LIfe.  We can be very sure that all authority comes from God while all human authority is not of necessity infallible nor of necessity in line with God's Will. Romans 13 "LET every soul be subject to higher powers: for there is no power but from God: and those that are, are ordained of God."  What this means to me is that while authority itself comes directly from God, it is the duty of authority to ensure that there is no abuse of that authority.  In other words, we are called to obey all authority providing that authority is soundly exercising power and making decisions.

While it was once in The Church quite ok to make a vow of obedience to one's priest spiritual director and some of our saints did so, it is not appropriate to do this nowadays with our contemporary understanding of spiritual theology since priests do not have the specific authority of The Church to accept a private vow of obedience binding to him personally.  Religious superiors do have such specific authority from The Church.  All as I understand things. 

 

[BarbTherese]

I don't know how this will come out as I still do not know how to transfer an image from iPhone to my computer and this image will probably come out far too small.   I can send emails and texts on my iPhone and this is all I really want to do at this point until I get used to this phone.  The image below is from my home oratory area.

[BarbTherese]

Well, it is back to the vet again.  Buddie is coughing again at least in the early morning only - and today he is off his food.  We have an appointment with the vet at 4pm today.  Then last night I realized I had lost my debit card somehow and immediately cancelled it with no damage done and a new card in 5 working days.  Rang the vet and today's visit will cost me around $200 estimated - I drew the money out in cash. If you are reading this, a prayer very much appreciated.  The vet has cost me over $1000 in the past few months as I still try to save for my son's 50th interstate in January and then his (first) wedding interstate again to a lovely young Catholic woman in May 2016.  The only way I can put money together really is cutting down on groceries.  If I do get the voluntary position and the latest I should know is the end of September (could take up to then for my Police Clearance to come through), my Mobility Allowance will be reinstated and then I might have more dollars I can put aside.  While Buddie's health and vet bills as well as my bank balance are concerning, may The Lord's Will be ever done. Amen.  These concerns too will pass - all things temporal do pass.  It is a matter of working through these current life situations and related human emotions with Grace always on our side.

Edited September 10, 2015 by BarbaraTherese

[BarbTherese]

Thank you very much for anyone who prayed.  Thanksgiving in order.  The vet gave me an alternative for Buddie i.e. keeping him on the medication that seems to suppress his cough - at least until after the wedding in May.   This treatment will be ok until then, the vet told me.  After the wedding in May, if the cough returns, then it will be X-ray and blood tests and this will be expensive, but once the wedding is past tense, then my focus will be financially solely (all being well) to have Buddie given the various tests if this does prove necessary.  All I would really like to do personally at this point is know that Buddie is ok and have a relatively straight run financially until after the wedding.

Then to top off the good news about Buddie and his treatment, the vet only charged me $65 for the consultation as well as a 6 weeks supply of the necessary medication.  After that, she said, I need simply to ring when I need more medication and it will be available without any further consultations and all I need do is pick up the medication.  Deo Gratius with absolute gratitude.  Amen.  Thank you again too to anyone who prayed.  Please keep in prayer too that I do get this voluntary position...the related Mobility Allowance does make me more secure financially and most all the time I can bus it ok without a problem or problems which I cannot handle at all physically.......thank you!  I am truly very thankful indeed always for Pham and our phamily.

Staying in touch with the Prayer Forum and Gabriela's intention especially (but not only) just now.

[BarbTherese]

Leaving Phatmass.  Won't be back.

 Thank you to all .............most all will be fondly remembered ........... with all prayerfully.

[AccountDeleted]

[BarbTherese]

[AccountDeleted]

Short departure!

[BarbTherese]

Seroquel (anti psychotic) has now been successfully reduced from 300mg to 200mg each night.  The next move, I am hoping, will be to go from 200mg down to 150mg.  With the reduction (by psychiatrist) from 300mg to 200mg commenced commenced a couple of months ago, there has been no sign of any mental disturbance or bipolar episode - and the reduction was a test case.  See my psychiatrist again next week on the 15th March and will be discussing then a further move down to 150mg.  She is seeing me more regularly as we take the reduction journey.  Seroquel is not an easy medication at all to come off apparently.

What I have been doing is setting up an Excel Spreadshee and giving a daily report of my experiences for my psychiatrist.  I print it off and take it when I see my psych and she reads it when she can.  If there is anything she needs to pick up on, she raises it at our next meeting.

Initially I had much sleep disturbance as my body was used to 300mg Seroquel sending me off to sleep and deeply.  200mg did nothing for sleep at all and I had to resort to Oxazepam to sleep - and I was not happy with that at all, nor was my psych.  With my psychiatrist, we tried different means and finally after talking with my GP, I tried Horlicks $11 at supermarket and Blackmore's Valerian Forte $16 x 30tabs, 1 tab per night.   It worked and I had a good night's sleep.  Melatonin previously had proved too expensive at around $36 per month. My next move was to drop the Horlicks as the total cost would have been $28apprx per month.  Valerian Forte alone ($16 per month) did the trick and I had a good night's sleep and this will be my move from heron in insofar as I continue to sleep ok too.  It seems to me too that I do not have the hangover affect I used to have in the mornings with 300mg Seroquel night before.

A psychiatrist I saw years ago said "You are a winner", which caused me to start really laughing as I was still having very serious psychotic bipolar episodes quite close together.  He replied that I was a winner because a looser says "If this doesn't work nothing will!" whereas a winner says "If this doesn't work, I'll try this and then this and then this".  Interesting, it's all a matter of definitions and I have never had much time at all for the terms "winner" or "looser".   But it seems that that type of psychology (trying different things and persevering in one's quest) contributed according to psychiatry to my dealing with voices until they ceased altogether years ago now...........that's how psychiatry saw things.......... and psychiatry and medication are gifts of God in dealing with health problems.  I try to never forget either to pray.

The voices were a terrible and yet at times funny journey.  I can recall vividly for instance sitting in the smoking room of a psychiatric ward with a couple of nurses and patients.  Right out the blue I said out loud "Oh shut up willya, I am sick to death of you!" and then had to protest loudly and apologetically that I was not speaking to those present, rather to my voices.  I had to be careful rather often in company to ensure that I did not speak out loud to the voices - whereas living alone I did it constantly.  I recall a psychiatrist saying to me "You know they (voices) are not real".  Now that seems to me to be a silly thing to say to a psych patient who is psychotic and hearing voices.  Man oh man, it sure is a very real experience to us!

Years later, a senior mental health worker showed me an official mental health report that stated some of the ways that have seemed to be successful in overcome the 'voice experience' in mental illness was to ignore the voices totally, talk to them negatively (i.e. be quiet, shut up etc.) ..........and certainly to never believe what they might have to say.

St Mary of The Cross MacKillop (our first Aussie saint!)  "Do what you can, and leave the rest to God"

Deo Gratius !

[BarbTherese]

Seroquel is a nightmare sort of medication very often.  For me, it seems to have kept me stable, although initially for years it did not.  The nightmare of Seroquel is that it does have the side effect very often of weight increase.  I was a size 10 or 12 when I first fell ill.  Now 40 years or more down the line from there, I am a size 22 to 24.  I was 28 when I fell ill and I am now 70.   I have doubled my weight and in the main during the time I have been taking Seroquel.  The reason my psychiatrist decided we would try reducing Seroquel is because while to date I have no problems related to my dramatic weight increase (no diabetes, heart problems etc. etc.)................it only means "to date".

Certainly with the drop from 300mg to 200mg, I do not have the terrible hunger I used to have after taking 300mg Seroquel at night.  It was a ridiculous hunger as if I had not eaten all day and would lead to a binge eat or I would not be able to go off to sleep, or if I did go off to sleep I would wake through the night with that ravenous hunger.  That has stopped thankfully on 200mg.  I do have suspicions that psychosomatic might have come into play.  I was so used to hunger after taking Seroquel, perhaps I 'talked' myself into it simply because I expected it.  No answer to that one - just a suspicion.

I do recognise that the same medication can affect another person in totally different ways.  For example, I have read on the internet that some actually loose weight on Seroquel.  One needs to discuss any side effects at all with one's doctor.

.........and try never forget to pray.............

Edited March 5, 2016 by BarbaraTherese

[BarbTherese]

Seroquel is a nightmare sort of medication very often.  For me, it seems to have kept me stable, although initially for years it did not.  The nightmare of Seroquel is that it does have the side effect very often of weight increase.  I was a size 10 or 12 when I first fell ill.  Now 40 years or more down the line from there, I am a size 22 to 24.  I was 28 when I fell ill and I am now 70.   I have doubled my weight and in the main during the time I have been taking Seroquel.  The reason my psychiatrist decided we would try reducing Seroquel is because while to date I have no problems related to my dramatic weight increase (no diabetes, heart problems etc. etc.)................it only means "to date".

Certainly with the drop from 300mg to 200mg, I do not have the terrible hunger I used to have after taking 300mg Seroquel at night.  It was a ridiculous hunger as if I had not eaten all day and would lead to a binge eat or I would not be able to go off to sleep, or if I did go off to sleep I would wake through the night with that ravenous hunger.  That has stopped thankfully on 200mg.

I do recognise that the same medication can affect another person in totally different ways.  For example, I have read on the internet that some actually loose weight on Seroquel.  One needs to discuss any side effects at all with one's doctor.

.........and try never forget to pray.............

[BarbTherese]

I decided to leave Phatmass in early September 2015.  I was spending a lot of time on Pham - after a few months since leaving, what had happened was I was watching a lot of FoxtelGo or TV - i.e. replacing one vice with another.  Not that the amount of time I spent on Pham was the only problem, the other one was I had been receiving heaps and heaps of spam almost in hieroglyphics and it seemed to come through Pham - mind you I am ions away from any sort of expertise with computers.  I am a computer dummy. Although being on Phatmass is not of itself a vice, rather inclined to the opposite I think - however the amount of time one spends can be the problem.

I am now in a sort of 'prayerful review of life' and seeking for an actual balanced timetable that will work for me personally.  I have more or less avoided fixed timetables by the clock to date - fearful of it as a sort of potential straightjacket on all levels for  such as I.  Now I am re-looking at that decision and rewriting that section of the rule of life.  I read on Sr Laurel O'Neal's blog (I think that is how to spell her name) - she is a consecrated hermit under Canon 603 - that with consecration and needing to write a rule of life - the rule can be revised from time to time if necessary.  I will be discussing this with my SD.

So much happened in the interim between leaving Phatmass and now returning again.  I don't have time just now to write about it but this post will remind me to do so. 

Note as stated in previous posts: As long as dUSt or a moderator is not closing this thread, I will keep writing into it now and then.  If it is closed it doesn't present problems to me. It simply means for me that the Holy Spirit is probably saying "move on".  I don't mean move on from Pham, but move on past writing into this thread on Phatmass, which I would not be able to do anyway.

St Paul tells us that "[1] Let every soul be subject to higher powers: for there is no power but from God: and those that are, are ordained of God. [2] Therefore he that resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God."(Romans Ch13).  Therefore, it says to me that the authority on Phatmass for Phatmass matters are dUSt and moderators.........and to be respected as such insofar as actions and decisions are not contrary to that authority which exists over them again, whom we all are answerable to........i.e. The Lord, His Gospel and His Church.  (Not that I have ever experienced in my own years on Pham that they have acted contrary to such authority in place over us all).

[BarbTherese]

  With my son's wedding interstate in May 2016, I had a chat with his fiancé as I did not want to buy something expensive to wear and then I would probably never get wear out of it again.  I asked her about new good black tailored slacks or pantaloons i.e. p a n t  s ($25) I already had, black short poncho (had it for years) that drapes really well and also I had my good black shoes. I told her I would be looking out for a good blouse to wear under the black poncho.  My son's fiancé said that would be entirely acceptable - fortunately, here in Sth Aust anyway considering the quite a few weddings I have attended, rules about attire have gone right out the window.  I have noticed all sorts of clothing types at weddings.

I have been wearing the black poncho and pantaloons (sandals summer, black boots winter) for probably 12months now whenever going out (any shirt/jumper underneath).  No one has commented to date thankfully - taken for granted by now I would think.

Eventually, sighting it on EBay I bought a long yellow shirt (see below).  It is the same material as the short poncho I already have : chiffon.  I thought the yellow with black would like quite smart and the chiffon is long lasting, hangs and drapes well, easy to launder.

 One shirt cost me $15 from Hong Kong.  The bright yellow shirt with black pantaloons and black poncho looks very smart indeed in my book.  So I have bought 2 of the shirts - one for summer and one for winter.  In the summer, I will have the sleeves altered to make the shirt short sleeved and in the winter I will wear a black jumper under the long sleeved shirt.  Am having a black longer poncho made in a winter material for winter.  I have a winter weight poncho already that is very warm - colour is green and has tended to clash at times with what I wore underneath. Black is not a clashing type colour.

Around the house and garden I wear anything at all.  The above is for going out.  I am not at all concerned if others wonder why I wear the same thing all the time and to date there have been no comments at all.  And in my book, I look nothing like a nun and that was my focus.  I wear a small silver cross on a short silver neck chain always which with my ring have now been blessed by my SD.  I did abandon the cross on a leather thong as Father commented "You look like a nun".  When I got home I took it off and have never put it on again.  Best of all, what to wear for me as a concern can go right out the window now.  I am very conscious indeed that my vocation is a lay vocation and that my call by God is to the laity ......... this is quite important to me.  It has been a long and disorganised to appearances probably type of journey with private vows - this has been ok with me too as my spirituality would probably be based on surrender to Divine Providence/St Therese of Lisieux (my Confirmation patron).  With any sort of luck (Grace) appearances just might be stable by the time I kick the bucket.  If not........then not.  Another issue for me has been that hardly anything at all is written about private vows in the laity - i.e. I had nothing really to refer to as a guide. I have never felt that what on earth I wore was a vitally important issue which God's Will formally would decide for me personally.  I did feel that whatever I settled on would be ok if I actually ever settled on anything at all.  There is a subtlety within those statements since God's Will/The Holy Spirit is always and forever with us in all things.

Abandonment to Divine Providence (Jean Paul de Caussade) - a traditional Catholic spiritual classic: http://www.ccel.org/ccel/decaussade/abandonment.html

(If you should buy the book, ensure that JPdC's letters are in the back - the letters are very important but not all copies of the work have them)

If one has a decision to make and there is no sin mortal or venial involved, one can be pretty sure that one is within the 'umbrella of God's Will' and this might mean one has a couple of options - there are many subtleties and personal factors however that may enter into any decision dictated by down to earth common sense and wisdom/prudence. For example in discernment, what a community/leadership decides is within God's Will also and trumps usually whatever one may desire oneself in relation to that community.  And many other factors in different situations can come into play sometimes.  Common sense and a working knowledge of sound theology is important I think.  Fortunately, I was educated by Dominicans who were on fire with theology which initially annoyed me - but I eventually I was on fire too.  Sound spiritual works, such as the one above are full of sound theology. Another option for sound theology and the very best of options is to be guided and advised by a spiritual director who has a sound knowledge of theology and I would think that all accredited directors probably do.  If one discovers they do not, then simply move on.  What I look for in a SD is holiness, faithfulness to Church teaching with wisdom and education and usually such qualities do become evident over the first few visits or so.

If one cannot find a good director, one can be absolutely confident that trust in God will never ever lead one too far amiss.  I went 20 years with a serious mental illness without a spiritual direction.  My illness (bipolar disorder) was episodic and between times I was so sane it was cruel - generally speaking there was no understanding at all of bipolar and how someone so sane could suddenly be so insane was ridiculous to them.  I could not blame them, it was madness to me too and very often the nature of bipolar i.e. not unusual.  I could not allot blame either as no one, I suspect, wanted to direct a women with a mental illness and private vows.  All the priests I had spoken to had no sort of training in either and felt out of their depth and one priest told me so (out of my depth).  Eventually after 20yrs I found a religious SD who knew nothing of MI nor private vows, but told me she was willing to learn.  I saw her for a few years and then I came across my now SD priest and religious.  I stay in contact with the religious willing to learn. We are good friends.

I am very fortunate and blessed that I have a quite cheap/reasonable dressmaker just around the corner from me if needed.  

Our softwear on Phatmass will automatically change p.a.n.t.s to pantaloons.  But if you put spaces or dots or something or other inbetween the letters, I think one can always beat the softwear.

 It is not me in the yellow shirt image in my previous post! ......it is the image I sighted on EBay when I purchased the shirt.

Edited March 6, 2016 by BarbaraTherese