My Brother

[Lilllabettt]

Sometimes, its not about you...it could be that there's a family secret he feels that it's better you do not know.  There are a lot of casualties in these sort of wars, and sometimes those who do hold the keys to the answers are the perpetrators but to those around play the victim.

 

He may also have done something as a "victim-abuser" that he did when you were too young to remember and feels that you would hate him for.

 

I would write the letter and offer to go to him, if you can afford it.  If he hates you--just you--it may be a mental illness.  If he cites strange religious principles, he might be in a cult. However, if he is leery of the family, I would say that likely, if he's not abusive as lil red's sister is, that there is FAR more to the story and that he is using distance to protect himself, no matter if it hurts you.

 

There are so many possibilities, you just don't know.  No explanation to you, doesn't mean no explanation at all.  If you want to chat, PM me and I'll talk with you further.

 

Well ... my brother isn't the perpetrator in this scenario. He hasn't just cut off me - its def. not a cult thing either.

He told me once, before he left, that growing up he was "tortured." Well, we all were. But maybe it was worse for him because he's the middle child. I can understand why he would be angry at certain people. Some people in our family are just toxic. But why me and our siblings? I am 2 years older, maybe he expected me to do something about it.

[CatherineM]

My family had some toxic sides. Drinking, smoking, a bit racist. Being around them made me uncomfortable because I was such an outsider in a lot of ways. I think I was afraid of becoming like them.

Your brother may be afraid of that or being around you guys may bring back memories he wants to forget. Try inviting him someplace where you guys can have low key fun. You might have to start making new, healthy memories.

[Luigi]

Mary Chapin Carpenter's sister went off to college and never spoke to her family again. This is the song she wrote about it. It's called "Only a Dream."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDSdC4iQ-Xc

Edited January 10, 2014 by Luigi

[blazeingstar]

Well ... my brother isn't the perpetrator in this scenario. He hasn't just cut off me - its def. not a cult thing either.

He told me once, before he left, that growing up he was "tortured." Well, we all were. But maybe it was worse for him because he's the middle child. I can understand why he would be angry at certain people. Some people in our family are just toxic. But why me and our siblings? I am 2 years older, maybe he expected me to do something about it.

 

People handle things in different ways.  Sometimes there are causalities.  I expect you are one.  He may not of cut you off because of you or anything you did, but because you remain in the same "orb" as those who he needs to cut off for his own mental health.

 

Maybe there is some blame, but I think that kind of guessing is just not healthy.  That would be, I think, the place to start when contacting him.  That you would like to be in touch, are aware that there was really bad things growing up, are open to hearing more about what has driven him from the family, that you are afraid that you hurt him, that you are willing to take steps in your life to help him feel safe in the relationship, including not telling other relatives you two are speaking.

[OnlySunshine]

Another Christmas, another holiday without my brother. I haven't seen him for years. He hates us. Never picks up the phone. Never writes. Missed our sister's wedding. He was my favorite person growing up. He always picked me for his team. But he started to hate me for some reason -- I  don't know why. 

 

What do you do with estranged family members? Just give up? Just pray? Or keep trying to connect? Hoping hurts.

The intention for my st Andrew's Christmas novena was that he would come this year. But no ... so. I am pretty sure I will never see him again.

 

Feeling sad and hopeless today.

 

I'm sorry to hop in on this late but I know a little of what you're experiencing.  My sister isn't the problem but the whole family save for a few members like one of my aunts is estranged from my aunt-in-law, uncle, and 2 cousins.  They live only a few miles away but I never see the 2 cousins or aunt-in-law because she has mental problems that keeps her home and hermit-like.  Her children, while 19 and 13, are holed up in their house because their mother is WAY overprotective and germaphobic.  I would never set foot in her house because she is a hoarder.  It really does bother me that I'll never know these 2 cousins even though we live so close.  I keep praying that my aunt-in-law will get some mental help but getting her out of the house would be VERY difficult.

 

That's not the same as missing a sibling whom you've grown up with so I can't understand your pain fully.  I think, in cases like this, we have to remember St. Rita and St. Monica who never stopped praying and their prayers were finally answered.  God has to work slowly sometimes but I'm sure He wants your family back together.  Prayers!
 

[Comingback]

Catholics, especially the young or those who've considered vocations, tend to externalize talk about christian love and suffering such that going and ministering to strangers becomes the most difficult form of sacrifice and suffering.  As I've gotten older I've seen that practicing patient suffering, charity, and forgiveness to one's own family is often as or even more difficult than any sort of white martyrdom.  Having a faithful catholic household never seems to except anyone from this cross.

 

I had forgotten where this was and I just wanted you to know that I have thought a lot about it in terms of what is going on with my mother.  Thank you.

[Comingback]

Lillabet, I hope you can reconnect with your brother.  I have no siblings but do have some cousins out there that don't want any family contact.  After my grandmother died that was it.  I still miss them and miss having a family.  So... hope that something good happens with him.