My Brother

[Lilllabettt]

Another Christmas, another holiday without my brother. I haven't seen him for years. He hates us. Never picks up the phone. Never writes. Missed our sister's wedding. He was my favorite person growing up. He always picked me for his team. But he started to hate me for some reason -- I  don't know why. 

 

What do you do with estranged family members? Just give up? Just pray? Or keep trying to connect? Hoping hurts.

The intention for my st Andrew's Christmas novena was that he would come this year. But no ... so. I am pretty sure I will never see him again.

 

Feeling sad and hopeless today.

[CrossCuT]

Prayers for you and your family Lilll. :(

I dont have any experience with a sibling being estranged but I have an aunt who did the same thing to my dad and his siblings. They dont talk about it much as I am sure they miss her very dearly but they ALWAYS invite her to all the family events without fail. They always send her cards and try to keep her updated even if she chooses not to respond or never to come see them. 

 

I dont know what the best option would be in that scenario though...my first instinct would be to always keep that door open but I am not in a position to understand what that pain is like. :(

 

:console:

[NotreDame]

Catholics, especially the young or those who've considered vocations, tend to externalize talk about christian love and suffering such that going and ministering to strangers becomes the most difficult form of sacrifice and suffering.  As I've gotten older I've seen that practicing patient suffering, charity, and forgiveness to one's own family is often as or even more difficult than any sort of white martyrdom.  Having a faithful catholic household never seems to except anyone from this cross.

[Lilllabettt]

Catholics, especially the young or those who've considered vocations, tend to externalize talk about christian love and suffering such that going and ministering to strangers becomes the most difficult form of sacrifice and suffering.  As I've gotten older I've seen that practicing patient suffering, charity, and forgiveness to one's own family is often as or even more difficult than any sort of white martyrdom.  Having a faithful catholic household never seems to except anyone from this cross.

 

In my case the faithful Catholic household does not exist; although my vaguely-Christian-of-some-kind father did come with me for Christmas Mass, which was nice. I think you are right that its easier to talk the talk than walk the walk, especially with those God has placed closest to us.  I remember that from religious formation - they said what  good is it if outsiders see us as wonderful and saintly if we don't treat our own Sisters inside the convent with the same wonderfulness.

 

I have nothing to forgive my brother for, but the patient suffering is not something I am good at. The worst is I don't know why he is so mad at me and our sister and our other brother. What did we do? Or didn't do? I would say I'm sorry a million times if I could bring him back.

Why do people - family or friends - just drop you for no apparent reason, without explanation ... it makes a person crazy. 

 

I was really hoping Jesus would make him a Christmas present for me. typical me, wanting the birthday Boy to give me a present...

[CatherineM]

My Grandfather had a brother who didn't come home from World War I. He survived, he just didn't get off the train in Kansas. He ended up in California and changed his last name. On her deathbed, all his mom wanted was to see him one more time. It didn't happen. My Dad told me that it might not have been anything that the family did, it could be my great uncle changed.

My brothers Dail and John didn't speak for years. John had married Dail's wife's best friend. When they divorced he thought Dail took his ex's side in the fight. They didn't speak again until my Dad's funeral. When they had another rift, my Mom told them to not wait until another funeral to settle it.

The thing with my brothers didn't really have anything to do silly fights. It really stemed from my brother John looking for any reason to avoid Dail. They were 18 months apart. Dail is tall, good looking, good in school, has a great job at IBM. John was premature, always small, learning disabilities, etc. He hated being in Dail's shadow. When he didn't have to contact, he could be content with who he was and the life he was leading. Dail never tried to make him feel bad. It was just unavoidable.

There are lots of reasons these family things happen. I saw lots of it doing wills and probate. All you can do is make sure he knows you are open. Send him cards on holidays, just a few things about what you're doing and that you miss him. No pressure. If he comes back, you have to pretend like nothing has happened. They never want to rehash. We always want to think that it's something we have done and if we can just apologize or make amends that everything will go back to the way it was. The truth is that it's probably nothing you've done.

We did find out why my great uncle didn't come home. Their family was just poor farmers. After seeing Paris, he wanted something better and was embarrassed. That's why he changed his name. He was ashamed of them. It was nothing they had done.

[NotreDame]

In my case the faithful Catholic household does not exist; although my vaguely-Christian-of-some-kind father did come with me for Christmas Mass, which was nice. I think you are right that its easier to talk the talk than walk the walk, especially with those God has placed closest to us.  I remember that from religious formation - they said what  good is it if outsiders see us as wonderful and saintly if we don't treat our own Sisters inside the convent with the same wonderfulness.

 

I have nothing to forgive my brother for, but the patient suffering is not something I am good at. The worst is I don't know why he is so mad at me and our sister and our other brother. What did we do? Or didn't do? I would say I'm sorry a million times if I could bring him back.

Why do people - family or friends - just drop you for no apparent reason, without explanation ... it makes a person crazy. 

 

I didn't mean to imply anything about your situation.  I was just sort of reflecting in general on how not everyone needs to be a missionary in the 3rd world to practice some real christian virtue.  There are often significant crosses that come from our families regardless our state of life.

 

I know my immediate and extended family is mostly quite devout, but there is still so much conflict and division.  Dealing with it has been and will continue to be a significant cross for many of us.  It would certainly be easier for many of us to practice charity and forgiveness toward perfect strangers rather than toward our close relatives.  

 

I imagine the absence of your brother is a significant cross for you.  Maybe not one you discerned and chose, but that doesn't make it any less of a cross. 

[ChristinaTherese]

I'm sending you a PM.

[Lil Red]

Another Christmas, another holiday without my brother. I haven't seen him for years. He hates us. Never picks up the phone. Never writes. Missed our sister's wedding. He was my favorite person growing up. He always picked me for his team. But he started to hate me for some reason -- I  don't know why. 

 

What do you do with estranged family members? Just give up? Just pray? Or keep trying to connect? Hoping hurts.

The intention for my st Andrew's Christmas novena was that he would come this year. But no ... so. I am pretty sure I will never see him again.

 

Feeling sad and hopeless today.

 

unfortunately, the majority of my family has had to distance ourselves from a sibling of ours because of her hurtful behavior. (she told my parents that if they dropped dead, she wouldn't attend the funeral. then when my mom died, she tried to get our dad to pay for her plane ticket from Alaska. umm, no.)

 

it does hurt because I remember looking up to this sister, I remember so many good times. but her manipulative & hurtful behavior to my parents, my siblings, and myself means that most of us cannot even stand her. i've stopped trying to connect. i have pretty much given up hope of reconciliation because behavior like that doesn't change. i just have decided to wish her well, and go on with my own life. 

 

hugs & prayers for you, and for your brother. 

[Kateri89]

The only advice I can give is to keep praying.  I have a cousin who just stopped communicating with the family (including her dad and siblings) and is so distanced from us that when my aunt and uncle decided to surprise her at home, she wouldn't even let them in.  She just talked to them for a couple of minutes at the front door and then they left.  This was a cousin that was always very friendly and a devout Christian and so this behavior was very out of the blue.  I pray that she'll come around and I'll pray for you and your brother, too.

[Lilllabettt]

I guess I can understand why my brother wouldn't want to come "home" --- maybe if I send a letter or something telling him we can have Christmas at my sister's house. And he can stay there. And I will pay for the plane ticket. What do you think? I don't have his address though, or his email or his telephone number.

[NotreDame]

if he is estranged for whatever reason then a smaller or even 1:1 meeting would be easier than a big group broohaha.

[Lilllabettt]

if he is estranged for whatever reason then a smaller or even 1:1 meeting would be easier than a big group broohaha.

 

thats true.

[NotreDame]

so your idea might work... just google the heck out his name and do the same for his known associates.  you can even set up a free site with his name asking him to contact you.  There are lots of ways to approach it on the interwebs. 

[ChristinaTherese]

Can you find him on facebook?

 

And I agree with the point CatherineM made above about NOT mentioning old problems when/if you reconnect.

[blazeingstar]

Sometimes, its not about you...it could be that there's a family secret he feels that it's better you do not know.  There are a lot of casualties in these sort of wars, and sometimes those who do hold the keys to the answers are the perpetrators but to those around play the victim.

 

He may also have done something as a "victim-abuser" that he did when you were too young to remember and feels that you would hate him for.

 

I would write the letter and offer to go to him, if you can afford it.  If he hates you--just you--it may be a mental illness.  If he cites strange religious principles, he might be in a cult. However, if he is leery of the family, I would say that likely, if he's not abusive as lil red's sister is, that there is FAR more to the story and that he is using distance to protect himself, no matter if it hurts you.

 

There are so many possibilities, you just don't know.  No explanation to you, doesn't mean no explanation at all.  If you want to chat, PM me and I'll talk with you further.