Questions To Ask Communities

[EmilyAnn]

Yes, I agree with TT that these are not questions that necessarily need to be asked right away. But I don't think any of them are unreasonable for someone who is in serious discernment to want to know. Given the investment you're making it's important to know what you're getting into.

 

On the mention of some questions not being answered, are there questions I've included that any of you think are things a community is unlikely to answer? Of course there are things that a community will want to keep private but while I don't think any of these questions violate that I could be wrong. 

[Cherie]

Personally, in looking at this list, I don't see any questions that I think are trivial or that a community should not answer in order to preserve the "mystery" of the life. It seems to me that all of the listed questions HERE, anyway, are in the realm of important. You'll notice questions like, "What do you wear to bed?" or "How is your habit made?" and similar questions that only serve to satisfy mere curiosity aren't listed here. If I am wrong on that, I'd love for someone, particularly religious themselves if possible, to correct me on that, in all honesty. I know some communities might not like to be "bombarded" with questions, and like I mentioned before, if you're trying to find out about every single little aspect of their lives down to the smallest detail, yeah, I understand! But like others mention, there is a huge emotional, financial, etc investment into entering religious life, and many of these questions a potential candidate really has a right to know, particularly because the answer could affect whether or not they feel it is appropriate to make the step to enter. 

 

Just like sometimes you may go into a doctor's office wanting to know some specifics but going blank when the time for questions actually comes, a person discerning can feel a little overwhelmed or even have a little naïveté and not know what questions or ask, or even IF any questions should be asked. I'm really happy such a list has been put in one place - thanks for your work Emily Ann, and for your contributions, NotreDame!

 

When I was discerning, I wish I would have had a list like this. Even if I didn't ask ALL the above questions, many of them I wish I HAD asked beforehand, as the answer to them was not given to me beforehand and it likely would have affected my willingness to choose the community I did if I had known the answer. 

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

DiscerningCatholic: 

 

I'm really curious as to what sort of questions weren't answered.  Because as someone else said (CherieMadame and HisChild) that makes a big difference.

 

For example:  it is different if questions such as "what kind of chores am I expected to do?" or "do you wear your habit to bed" are asked vs. "how are home visits handled" or "how often are you allowed to contact family?"

 

I wondered the same thing about which questions the community wouldn't answer.

 

Many of these questions might not be appropriate for a woman attending a discernment retreat, and I could fully understand if the community said that the questions would be answered later, if the applicant was in serious discernment. But, all of them sound to me like legitimate questions to be answered if an applicant is in the final stages of discernment before entering, not AFTER entering. I think the answers to some of these questions would be of help to a discerner in deciding if this is indeed the community to which she is being called. To wait until after a woman has entered might be too late.

 

After all, entering a community isn't like applying to college. While postulancy is certainly intended as a time to try one's vocation, when a woman (or man) enters the monastery, the postulant enters intending it to be for life. Entering religious life is a MUCH bigger commitment, and most women or men entering do things like trying to get rid of most of their possessions, saying good-bye to friends, etc--they leave with the intention that "this is it." Similarly, it is much harder emotionally when a woman or man leaves a community, even if the community is a healthy one and their leaving was handled with love and care. This is especially true if the person is asked to leave.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

 

I'd love to hear from members of VS who are religious how they view these questions, and if they would be uncomfortable being asked/answering them, and if so, which ones and why; not in order to point fingers or anything like that at all, but simply to understand a community's thought process on these issues a little better.

 

I hope some of VS's religious members answer. However, we may not get answers right away, because we are now getting close to Christmas, and many communities try to devote this time to spiritual preparation. 

 

For example, Sister Mary Catharine's community has now closed its convent shop until after the New Year so that the Sisters can prepare spiritually for Christmas. I don't know if that also means that she will not be visiting Phatmass or posting, but it wouldn't surprise me if we don't hear from her for several weeks, at minimum.

[HisChild]

Personally, in looking at this list, I don't see any questions that I think are trivial or that a community should not answer in order to preserve the "mystery" of the life. It seems to me that all of the listed questions HERE, anyway, are in the realm of important. You'll notice questions like, "What do you wear to bed?" or "How is your habit made?" and similar questions that only serve to satisfy mere curiosity aren't listed here. If I am wrong on that, I'd love for someone, particularly religious themselves if possible, to correct me on that, in all honesty. I know some communities might not like to be "bombarded" with questions, and like I mentioned before, if you're trying to find out about every single little aspect of their lives down to the smallest detail, yeah, I understand! But like others mention, there is a huge emotional, financial, etc investment into entering religious life, and many of these questions a potential candidate really has a right to know, particularly because the answer could affect whether or not they feel it is appropriate to make the step to enter. 

 

Just like sometimes you may go into a doctor's office wanting to know some specifics but going blank when the time for questions actually comes, a person discerning can feel a little overwhelmed or even have a little naïveté and not know what questions or ask, or even IF any questions should be asked. I'm really happy such a list has been put in one place - thanks for your work Emily Ann, and for your contributions, NotreDame!

 

When I was discerning, I wish I would have had a list like this. Even if I didn't ask ALL the above questions, many of them I wish I HAD asked beforehand, as the answer to them was not given to me beforehand and it likely would have affected my willingness to choose the community I did if I had known the answer. 

 

Yes.  That.

[emma8201986]

All the questions were great and I think I have asked most.  IMHO, all reasonable questions MUST be answered - a response that you must preserve some of the mystery of the life is unacceptable for those kinds of questions. Some questions may be trivial or voyeuristic and, frankly, shouldn't be asked, but serious questions about finances, illness, formation and community practices are important.  Iggie is right - entering religiouos life is not like applying to college.  An analogy would be someone getting engaged and asking her fiance about HIS finances and having him say - wait till we're married - then I'll show you my bank statement.  That's not the way you start a lifetime relationship.

[Cherie]

An analogy would be someone getting engaged and asking her fiance about HIS finances and having him say - wait till we're married - then I'll show you my bank statement.  That's not the way you start a lifetime relationship.

 

Great analogy!

[NotreDame]

Yes.  That.

 

Yes, I really wish I had these questions myself (and that I had been on VS.) I didn't reach out to a large number of orders because I thought it would take too long to develop trust with new groups, but with questions like this (and experience I later developed) I bet you can separate the wheat from the chaff pretty quickly.

[i<3franciscans]

 

A while ago there was a thread on this subject and the idea was mentioned of putting all the questions from various threads together somehow. I think I've managed to get them all, although my organisation of it leaves something to be desired (I've been doing it in bits whenever I've had the chance). I made it as a Google Doc that you can find here as well. I think I got them all but if I've missed any let me know! :)

 

Spiritual Practices

 

Prayer & Liturgy

1. What is the main form of liturgy that is celebrated?

   1. Is their liturgy in the vernacular or in Latin (or both)?

   2. Do they have both forms of the Mass? How often are each celebrated?

   3. Do they have a daily Mass?

   4. If not, how often is Mass celebrated? How often are they able to receive the Eucharist?

2. How often does the community pray together?

   1. What form does their prayer take? Divine Office, Morning and Evening prayer, etc.

   2. Do they have regular Adoration?

   3. Do they pray the Rosary together?

   4. Is there any other communal prayer that may take place?

3. How often is there time for private prayer?

   1. Do they observe any periods of silence?

   2. Is Lectio Divina practiced or encouraged?

 

Charism and Spirituality

1. What vows do they take?

   1. Do they take an ‘extra’ vow? What is it, and what role does it play in their life?

   2. What is their understanding of each of their vows?

2. How do they live out the charism of their founder/foundress?

   1. Have they ever undergone a reformation? If so, why and how did it impact the community?

   2. How did they incorporate the spirit of Vatican II (if applicable)? In what ways did they change?

   3. Have their constitutions ever changed? If so, how and why?

3. What forms of penance do they practice?

   1. Do they practice fasting? How often?

   2. Do they practice corporal penances? What and how?

4. Will you have access to a regular confessor or spiritual director?

   1. Will you be able to seek direction from someone outside/not directly connected to the community?

 

Entrance and Formation

 

Application

1. What is the process of application like?

   1. What experience of the life and community is given before entrance?

   2. Do you need to take a psychological exam? Will you be expected to pay for this?

   3. Do you need a medical exam? Will you be expected to pay for this?

   4. What references will you need?

   5. Any other aspects of application?

2. What requirements or restrictions are there for potential applicants?

   1. Educational level - do they require a degree or just to have completed compulsory schooling?

   2. Do they have any age limits, either upper or lower?

   3. Any other requirements or restrictions?

 

Formation

1. What is the process of formation?

   1. How long are the various stages of formation?

   2. How is one ‘eased’ into the life? What adjustments are made for new entrants?

   3. Are some stages variable? What affects this?

   4. Where might formation take place? (if applicable)

   5. Do members change their name? What input does one have in their name?

   6. What schooling or academic study is undertaken?

2. How does the community handle it if someone in formation wishes to leave?

   1. What if they were asked to leave? How would this be handled?

   2. What help would the community offer you in leaving?

   3. What is the ‘dropout’ rate of those who enter?

   4. What would happen if you became seriously ill during formation (either before or after temporary vows)?

 

Finances

1. What sort of financial responsibilities are there?

   1. Is there a dowry? How much is it?

   2. Do you need to provide your own medical insurance during formation?

   3. Are there any other costs you will need to take care of?

   4. Will you be expected to pay for psychological or medical tests at entrance?

2. How does the community provide for itself?

   1. Do they rely on donations and benefactors?

   2. What source(s) of income do they have?

 

Communications and Contacts

 

Communication

1. How often do you communicate with friends and family?

   1. How often may you receive letters from family? How often may you write to them?

   2. How often may you receive letters from friends? How often may you write to them?

   3. Is your correspondence read by your superior?

   4. Are there any other restrictions?

2. Do they have good relations with the community they live in?

   1. How do they interact with them?

 

Visits

1. How often do you get home visits (if applicable)?

   1. When do these home visits typically occur?

   2. Are exceptions or changes made if a family member is sick or dying?

   3. Are there any other restrictions?

2. How often do you get visits from friends and family?

   1. How often may family visit? Would exceptions be made if a close relative was sick or dying?

   2. How often may friends visit? Are you allowed visits from single opposite-sex friends?

   3. Are there any other restrictions?

 

Apostolate and Work

 

Apostolate

1. What is their main apostolate (if applicable)?

   1. If they have multiple apostolates, how are assignments given?

   2. Do you you have any input in your assignment?

   3. Are they politically active?

2. Would you potentially move between houses of an order or go to another country?

   1. Would you have any input in where you went?

 

Work (not an outside apostolate)

1. What form does their work (not outside apostolate) take?

   1. How are work assignments given?

   2. Do you have any input in your work assignment?

2. How do they balance work and prayer in their life?

3. How do they actively live the corporal works of mercy?

4. Do they offer hospitality to others?

   1. What form does this take?

 

Miscellaneous

 

1. Do they wear a habit or distinctive garb?

   1. Has this changed at any point? Why or why not?

   2. How do they feel their garb reflects their way of life?

2. If you have a special talent or hobby (music, arts, etc.), would you be allowed to continue it or would you be asked to give it up?

3. How is the community governed?

   1. How is it organised?

   2. In the case of a living founder, is there any body that has a voice?

4. How are problems within the community dealt with?

   1. If you felt you needed therapy or counselling of any kind, would that be allowed? Would it be seen as a weakness or a problem?

5. Do they eat cookies?

 

There, now it is perfect. :P

 

But really, this list is quite helpful. :)

[DiscerningCatholic]

DiscerningCatholic: 

 

I'm really curious as to what sort of questions weren't answered.  Because as someone else said (CherieMadame and HisChild) that makes a big difference.

 

For example:  it is different if questions such as "what kind of chores am I expected to do?" or "do you wear your habit to bed" are asked vs. "how are home visits handled" or "how often are you allowed to contact family?"

 

Since they knew that I hoped to apply, they answered some of my questions, but I had some random questions that I asked just because I was curious that they didn't answer. For instance, "How do you keep your veils on?" got me this face :evil: and "Ohhh...you'll find out when you enter!" They had a questions and answers session at the November retreat; I didn't ask any questions since there wasn't really anything that I was curious about that was really important, but I noticed that a lot of the questions the girls asked were either too personal or might have affected a girl's openness to religious life. For example, one of the girls asked, "Are you allowed to swim?" The sister who answered that question said quickly, "Next question!" So I think which questions are answered depends on A.) which question is being asked and B.) where someone is in her discernment/application process. 

[cmaD2006]

Since they knew that I hoped to apply, they answered some of my questions, but I had some random questions that I asked just because I was curious that they didn't answer. For instance, "How do you keep your veils on?" got me this face :evil: and "Ohhh...you'll find out when you enter!" They had a questions and answers session at the November retreat; I didn't ask any questions since there wasn't really anything that I was curious about that was really important, but I noticed that a lot of the questions the girls asked were either too personal or might have affected a girl's openness to religious life. For example, one of the girls asked, "Are you allowed to swim?" The sister who answered that question said quickly, "Next question!" So I think which questions are answered depends on A.) which question is being asked and B.) where someone is in her discernment/application process. 

 

DiscerningCatholic:

 

Questions like that are different :).  They're not like the ones that have been posted on the thread.

 

It's funny I think you nailed it:  questions that are just "oh I'm just curious about..." types of questions are the ones that don't need to be answered before entering.

 

:) Thanks for clarifying!

[TheresaThoma]

 An analogy would be someone getting engaged and asking her fiance about HIS finances and having him say - wait till we're married - then I'll show you my bank statement.  That's not the way you start a lifetime relationship.

 

This is an excellent analogy! 

I think with these questions just like in dating there are certain questions that you don't ask right away.Where others you should ask pretty early on. Sometimes though you may learn some of these things in the natural course of discernment without asking. For example the specific prayer practices you could learn about those from a visit (depending on how they handle those).

 

DC those sound like perfectly legitimate questions to leave unanswered.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

Since they knew that I hoped to apply, they answered some of my questions, but I had some random questions that I asked just because I was curious that they didn't answer. For instance, "How do you keep your veils on?" got me this face :evil: and "Ohhh...you'll find out when you enter!" They had a questions and answers session at the November retreat; I didn't ask any questions since there wasn't really anything that I was curious about that was really important, but I noticed that a lot of the questions the girls asked were either too personal or might have affected a girl's openness to religious life. For example, one of the girls asked, "Are you allowed to swim?" The sister who answered that question said quickly, "Next question!" So I think which questions are answered depends on A.) which question is being asked and B.) where someone is in her discernment/application process. 

 

Your points make a lot of sense. That's why, in my earlier post, I tried to make a differentiation between questions asked at a discernment retreat, and questions asked and answered, probably in private, by someone who was in serious discernment with a community. I think there are many questions that wouldn't be appropriate to be answered in public, or answers to the questions wouldn't be owed to someone who was simply casually interested.

 

I suspect that in most orthodox Catholic communities, the questions on the list WOULD be answered in private conversation, if the question was asked by someone who was seriously discerning the community (and the community was seriously considering the candidate). It's at that point where, if the community would not answer questions about financial issues or visits with family, etc. until after the woman entered that a candidate might need to go, "Hmmmm."

 

My personal opinion is that a community should be willing to answer the questions on the list before a candidate makes a definite commitment to enter, not after she has entered. Yes, postulancy is a time of "asking" and the answers to many questions will become clear during postulancy. But, entering a community is such a large commitment that I think openness on the part of a community about critical issues should be a factor in a candidate's decision. I thought the analogy to an engaged couple being willing to talk about finances, for example, before the wedding, is excellent.

 

As others have pointed out, the list is particularly helpful because I think it would be difficult for any individual candidate to think of all the important things to ask. I think in some cases where someone left a community, the person didn't know certain things about their future community, not because the community wouldn't have been willing to answer the question, but because the candidate didn't think to ask.

[TheresaThoma]

Exactly Iggy! And I think it goes both ways too. The community may not think to give the information on some of these questions unless the candidate asks. Not out of wanting to hide something but just because it is just part of their everyday lives. Particularly if the candidate has been talking with different sisters (ie the Vocation Director, Mother, and the Novice Mistress), the information may "slip through the cracks"

[Cherie]

Since they knew that I hoped to apply, they answered some of my questions, but I had some random questions that I asked just because I was curious that they didn't answer. For instance, "How do you keep your veils on?" got me this face :evil: and "Ohhh...you'll find out when you enter!"

 

Yeah, there's a big difference between a question like that and the questions listed in this thread. It was my understanding that the questions here are meant to be the ones vital to knowing whether or not you would be a good fit for the community, if you could reasonably hope to persevere under those circumstances, and also to get a clearer idea of the overall health of the community as a whole...if those important questions are refused an answer, then it might be a red flag. Whereas things like how they put their habit on, well, those seem rather "just for fun" and I can definitely understand a Sister leaving them unanswered. ;)

 

People do tend to have all sorts of curious and "silly" questions for religious, because their lives ARE often a mystery compared to life in the world. We're naturally curious and we want to know! But there are questions that are "just for fun" and questions that are very serious and important for a discerner to know, and it's good to make the distinction!