Christmas Headache

[Anastasia13]

haha, i can relate. my relative thought i was one for a bit.

 

Middle Eastern=Arab=Muslim=Terrorist. I thought everyone knew that. :idontknow:

[CrossCuT]

My boyfriends family is 20 hrs away. His family is much less stressful than my moms side.

[jeffboom]

haha, i can relate. my relative thought i was one for a bit.

CAK, I'm not actually related to you. Even though you tell everyone we're brothers we are just cousins. Cousins seperated by hundreds of generations.

[IgnatiusofLoyola]

I'm sorry to hear about all the stresses caused by family at Christmas. It brings back a lot of memories (many of them not very good--to put it mildly).

 

Your post was a good reminder for me of things to remember when I start to feel discouraged about my current circumstances. It's a reminder that while being in a relationship, or being married, is wonderful, it also comes with problems and stresses, some of which can be seriously bad.

 

I will be spending Christmas alone, for probably the 5th(?) time. I'm mostly homebound, and my family is 2,000 miles away. Also, most of my family is either agnostic or atheist, so while they celebrate Christmas, it doesn't mean to them what it means to me. (My family is "complicated.")

 

Spending Christmas alone isn't terrible. Yes, I have lonely moments. But, I make sure I have something "special" to eat (much harder now that I have diabetes) and I give myself presents.

 

Not to mention that it is VERY peaceful and quiet. I don't have to worry about traveling in bad weather or battling crowds in the mall!

 

Sometimes, when you come from a family that is quite dysfunctional (as mine is), it's very restful to be alone. For me, loneliness is usually easier to deal with than the emotional stress caused by my family--stress over which I have limited control. I have learned (the hard way) that I don't have the power to change other people, only the power of my own reactions. And, even then, having power over my own reactions is often easier said than done.

 

In a perfect world, I would have a local family of friends, but I don't right now. I hope to move during 2014, and I keep praying for God to show me his will of where he wants me to live. My hope is that I'll be able to move somewhere where it will be easier to be part of a "community" (including a church community).

 

When I was in my 20's, I was afraid to be alone and thought people who were alone were losers. I have discovered that I, at least, find strength in quiet and time alone--I know that's not true for everyone. Plus, I am not actually alone, I have my cat, who dictates when I am to get up in the morning, and my schedule for the day, which includes lots of time for giving her love.

 

My lack of "Christmas schedule" means that I will have time to pray for all of you, that even in the stresses of Christmas you will feel the love of your family and the joy in Jesus' birth.

 

 

 

[blazeingstar]

I think we have to refrain from the "could be worse" phrazes while still being aware that while our lives are hard, things can be harder.  Being single and far from home wasn't a walk in the park.  Its very lonely.  Many times the single person is expected to do it all and to be all...to be the one who can voulenteer to serve at Mass, read or be an EM.  To be designated driver so couples  can have a good time, to do all the traveling, to pay for many of the expenses. 

 

Single parents are caught between many things...a quiet holiday with their child, or seeing their parents or trying to figure out how their child can see their other parent (and dealing with the fallout).  Its really sad, especally when the single parent was not a single parent by choice.

 

"New/newer" couples have families that have their own expectaitons.  Sometimes this involves alot of disfunction that one is accoustomed to and the other isn't.  This can be painful for both of the couple, but the need for family is still there.

 

Marrieds without kids are treated even worse than singles as they are seen as carefree and without any responsibilities at all...dual income so they should somehow contribute more than anyone in time and money.

 

Married with kids are often accused of "stealing grandkids" or keeping them to themselves, a painful accusation and one that takes alot of guts to say "no".

 

Then, in all phases there is levels of dysfunction, death and demands that make it more complicated and make it feel harder.   There are emotional issues and concerns.  There are jobs that require holiday work (like police, nurses, fire fighters, doctors, military) so even the most ideal of situations can turn into "who's on first".

 

Is a busy Christmas better than a quite one with a resentful in-law? In the end my fiancee and I have decided that as an unmarried couple the holiday is not about us, but about our families and trying our best to meet their needs.  This means we are driving crazy hours, sleeping in random places and toting my dog along for the ride. Next year, when we are married, this will not be the case...it will be about us, and our families will probably be upset, but we are giving of ourselves this year and will probably extend ourselves for other holidays so as not to cause resentment. 

 

When we have kids it will be God, our needs, our children's needs, our parents needs...and if our children's needs allow for Christmas over grandma's that that's what we'll do.  I may do like my friend and strongly emphasize that Christmas begins Dec 25 and doesn't end until Jan 6, the Sunday after or even on some calendars until Feb 2!!!!  Certainly within that time we can manage to balance everyone's needs. 

[CatholicsAreKewl]

CAK, I'm not actually related to you. Even though you tell everyone we're brothers we are just cousins. Cousins seperated by hundreds of generations.

 

I don't tell everyone we're brothers. Some people think you're my boyfriend.

[HisChildForever]

Is a busy Christmas better than a quite one with a resentful in-law? In the end my fiancee and I have decided that as an unmarried couple the holiday is not about us, but about our families and trying our best to meet their needs.  This means we are driving crazy hours, sleeping in random places and toting my dog along for the ride. Next year, when we are married, this will not be the case...it will be about us, and our families will probably be upset, but we are giving of ourselves this year and will probably extend ourselves for other holidays so as not to cause resentment. 

 

This is what I'm experiencing, although to a lesser extent. My mom is very sympathetic to the situation, she told me last night that before she and my dad had kids they tried to see both families in one day and it always ended up a disaster. And I have an amazing relationship with my boyfriend's family so I have zero concerns about resentment issues. One of my concerns is something you touched on. Both families are going to have to change or modify their traditions when my boyfriend and I get married. For now, sure, we're at the "mercy" of the married couples and their plans with in-laws, but when we become one of those married couples the dynamic has to shift. I'm just worried about how that's going to play out.