The (single? Continent? Celibate?) Layman: Uncharted Territory

[bardegaulois]

Or perhaps it's not uncharted. No doubt we have plenty of meditations from celibate men, but these are priests and religious. Indeed we also have some meditations from celibate laity, but these are almost universally women.

As I'm coming into my mid-30s, little inclined to the diocesan priesthood (at least in my home diocese) or for marriage with the options at hand, and perhaps past my prime for religious life, it's starting to look like I might have to settle in here. There are some interesting stories regarding all of these, but I digress. Something else also becomes evident: I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

At the same time, though, a desire to take my role in the world more seriously has become stronger lately. I'm a little tapped out in my work now, so I'm thinking about going out more into the world, maybe finishing my doctorate. My state allows this, and also allows me to set my own schedule and routine. This is a benefit, as it is for young people who all pass through this state of life if only transitionally, and generally use such for education, training, and vocational discernment. My real hope is to find a good order, diocese, or woman in my travels, of course, but God's will be done.

It's a funny state that nobody thinks about as a state of life because we're all so willing to leave it when it seems appropriate. Indeed, I wonder if there's been any state of life that's given people more trepidation, at least when realizing they're embarked on it for a permanant or extended transitional period, than lay celibacy. I scarcely even think of it as a particular calling, because I don't really think I've ever necessarily been called here. However, I have been called as a teacher and academic, and that I've answered joyfully. In fact, I have even the opportunity to study to progress even further in my field. The celibacy just seems to make the secular vocation somewhat easier.

So keep on devoted to the work? That seems likely. A great way to pour myself out, spend myself. Devise a rule of my own design? I'll be talking to my director about that, but if I fail to keep it, what is lost? Work contracts are dissoluble; if I'm downsized, what then? Should I simply be taking this almost invisible state with almost no certitude on me as a source of humility and a penance for my pride in the past? I know that, even if I am to move on elsewhere, I won't be able to get there until I'm comfortable here.

As I said, it seems like uncharted territory, that involves a lot of suffering in ways that not a lot of married people or even priests or religious can understand well. As my title indicates, we don't even quite have a name for this. And as I also said, the experience might be different for men than for women. There have always been more women than men in the world, and I'm sure we can all think of a spinster aunt or neighbour. But who can think of an old bachelor (who isn't homosexual or disabled)? We can think of consecrated virgins or widows, but nothing specifically masculine (except perhaps secular priests, who are still something different).

So, what can we say about this in particular? Am I wise for throwing myself further into my work and studies, or should I be doing otherwise?

[arfink]

If you want to be celibate, that's your call to make and is perfectly legitimate, and don't let anybody tell you otherwise. :)

[bardegaulois]

But I don't want to, Arfink. That's the whole point. If the good Lord will have me here, then so be it. But it's also said that religion is more salutary. Especially in these days, a celibate layman without impediments seems a waste. My secular career (teacher of English literature and composition) is making me take motion, and it's a benefit than I can do so, and for a much lower salary than a married man could abide. I'm in a sort of provincial area now; I'm just hoping that when I settle in New York City to finish my Ph.D. (if this is to pan out), my options will open a little more.

 

And pray for scholarships and fellowships so my debt doesn't preclude me!

[arfink]

But I don't want to, Arfink. That's the whole point. If the good Lord will have me here, then so be it. But it's also said that religion is more salutary. Especially in these days, a celibate layman without impediments seems a waste. My secular career (teacher of English literature and composition) is making me take motion, and it's a benefit than I can do so, and for a much lower salary than a married man could abide. I'm in a sort of provincial area now; I'm just hoping that when I settle in New York City to finish my Ph.D. (if this is to pan out), my options will open a little more.

 

And pray for scholarships and fellowships so my debt doesn't preclude me!

 

Well, if you don't want to, don't.

 

Too little is said about what people actually desire in regards to vocation and discernment. In general, if you really really do NOT want to do something, that's a huge stonking red flag that says DON'T DO IT.

 

As for being celibate and not having impediments to orders or marriage, that is not a waste at all! I know some men who are in that situation, and they are very good people. Nothing wrong with that. I spent many years doing exactly that. I happen to be engaged now. Don't feel like you have to rush to the next thing or risk being celibate forever.

 

Also if you're thinking you don't want to be celibate forever that's no reason to drop everything and go mate-hunting. Lots of older guys find women. And you're not even old yet. :P

 

Edited December 7, 2013 by arfink

[brandelynmarie]

What he said ;)

[maximillion]

It is a trap and a trapping of 21st C living that we are made to feel we have to at least map out (if not act out) our choices in life by a certain age.

 

I have made several total turn arounds in my life, as I know others have too. Nothing is written in stone (not even full profession as a religious), and no decision is irrevocable.

 

Follow your natural inclinations and earnestly seek His will.....'and all these things shall be added unto you'.

[bardegaulois]

Hi, and thanks for all your help. I'm realizing that my big fear is that my disordered sense of my own unworthiness will get in my way yet again. And then I'll go on to ruminate about yet another failed opportunity for perhaps too long a time, thus worsening this sense. It's a sort of vicious cycle, but my director has given me some meditations to assist with this. And I am confident that the Lord Himself will provide all necessary graces in order that He may bring me to wherever it is that He'll have me and to heal these wounds that have a way of spontaneously tearing open at certain times.

[NotreDame]

It is a trap and a trapping of 21st C living that we are made to feel we have to at least map out (if not act out) our choices in life by a certain age.

 

I have made several total turn arounds in my life, as I know others have too. Nothing is written in stone (not even full profession as a religious), and no decision is irrevocable.

 

Follow your natural inclinations and earnestly seek His will.....'and all these things shall be added unto you'.

 

I like this post.  I also have made some turns that I didn't expect and that I sometimes feel were wrong turns, but I really, really hope they were God steering me in the right direction.
 

[Mary+Immaculate<3]

There's a core team member for my youth group who is a single, celibate man. He said that he has discerned that as his vocation, and he's doing just fine. Being single has its benefits, you don't have a spouse you're always committed to, besides Jesus, and you don't have a superior to submit to. You can move around and follow where God leads freely. A single life lived intentionally as a vocation is not inferior to married or religious life by any means. The best way to learn what God wants from you is prayer, asking Him personally what He wants.
God bless!

[bardegaulois]

Mary Immaculate, thanks, but... It's not really a matter of chosenness, likely not for most people in this state, men or women. I don't deny that there are some, like the fellow you mention here, who do willingly embrace it, but for most (like myself) it's the result of not having followed through with good opportunities. We trust in God's mercy that He'll place us where He wants us, but today's dilemma seems a matter of decision by indecision.

 

I empathize here with what Maximillion and Notredame are saying about turn-arounds happening often, and I know I've had the opportunities come to me for some wonderful turn-arounds. It's difficult to take them, though, if you have an inferiority complex and a problem with self-sabotage to deal with. I'm coming to realize that that's been one of my biggest obstacles in following the Lord as He calls me. Thus my incapacity to get very far from the default. I've begun prayerfully working with a spiritual director to address this particular issue.

 

Until I do, it's probably best to think of it as a psychological impediment of sorts.

[He is Risen!]

I know someone who is in Opus Dei and he is a single person in the word creating leven.  He lives in his own house, has a job, and is super active in the church.  Does anybody know if there is a male version of consecrated virginity?  (or would it be something like that?)

[OnlySunshine]

I know someone who is in Opus Dei and he is a single person in the word creating leven.  He lives in his own house, has a job, and is super active in the church.  Does anybody know if there is a male version of consecrated virginity?  (or would it be something like that?)

 

It has been said by many that the male version of Consecrated Virginity is the priesthood since the Consecrated Virgin represents the Church.  The opposite of that would be the priest since the priest, in a sense, is married to the Church and is required to remain celibate in the Latin rite.  :)

[NotreDame]

Mary Immaculate, thanks, but... It's not really a matter of chosenness, likely not for most people in this state, men or women. I don't deny that there are some, like the fellow you mention here, who do willingly embrace it, but for most (like myself) it's the result of not having followed through with good opportunities. We trust in God's mercy that He'll place us where He wants us, but today's dilemma seems a matter of decision by indecision.

 

(...)

 

Until I do, it's probably best to think of it as a psychological impediment of sorts.

 

Barde,  life isn't something where you are given a couple of big choices and if you get them all right you end up happy on Earth and then go to Heaven.  Not that choices don't matter, but I'd say that's not a Catholic view of life there.  Spiritually you could very much be moving in the right direction, even if - according to your ego - you've made missed some "big opportunities." 

 

And yes, psychological impediments it may be.  Even so, these psychological impediments are usually accompanied by spiritual ones (if they aren't entirely spiritual in nature to begin with) and require some healing and some detachment from one's ego.
 

You are doing the right thing seeing a director, discussing it here, and moving forward.  Try to find Christ's peace with who you are and where you are at now.  Don't worry so much about the past or what will come.  If that's something you don't know how to do, perhaps God has led you to this point so you'll learn it.

[OnlySunshine]

I know someone who is in Opus Dei and he is a single person in the word creating leven.  He lives in his own house, has a job, and is super active in the church.  Does anybody know if there is a male version of consecrated virginity?  (or would it be something like that?)

 

 

It has been said by many that the male version of Consecrated Virginity is the priesthood since the Consecrated Virgin represents the Church.  The opposite of that would be the priest since the priest, in a sense, is married to the Church and is required to remain celibate in the Latin rite.  :)

 

Also, I forgot to mention that the other reason why priesthood is the male counterpart of Consecrated Virginity is that the priest is 'in persona Christi.'  ;)

[bardegaulois]

Notredame, isn't it always the case that the spiritual and the psychological, though different, are profoundly intertwined? But you're completely right: to look at past failings or future anxieties (with an ever-critical eye) is to discount the present. This is a problem, but I don't deny that being in this situation now is a providential grace. Thanks for your reply.