Family Obligations Vs Love

[Lilllabettt]

well, your girlfriend is something else.

 

but as far as your mom goes -- you are borrowing trouble from tomorrow. If your mother is gainfully employed and in her fifties -- then yes she might be too old or sick to work or live on her own in 15-20 years. Or she might be hit by a bus. I hate to break it to you, but your situation is not particularly special in that respect. Everyone has to face the reality of their parents getting older and what that might mean in the future. What makes your case special is that most people do not plan their lives now around a bunch of unknown possibilities that aren't reality yet ... its not healthy and its somewhat dramaqueeny--  +1000 when you ask your significant other to join in it with you.

 

I mean you say you are in love and are discussing marriage. Presumably you imagine getting married sometime in the next 10 years? Probably before your mom hits the minimum retirement age? I don't really see what the problem is.

 

If you are living with your mom because you serve as an emotional crutch for her, that may be something you need to help her with - help her I mean by refusing to enable her. 

I am not suggesting you "abandon" your mother, btw. Move down the street.

 

Pleeeease do not confuse your anxiety with "God's plan for me."  No. It's your anxiety.  God's plan probably doesn't involve you living with your gainfully employed 50 something mother and turning down girls who raise an eyebrow at that being permanent.

 

Edited November 20, 2013 by Lilllabettt

[blazeingstar]

There are some serious problems at both ends of things.  It seems to me you are stuck between 2 emotionally damaged, controlling women.

 

Abortion is never, ever ok.  That is a red flag.  You need to have a heart to heart about moral issues.

 

The second is that you very well may be giving up any hope of a future spouse if you continue to be not only son, but in some respects father and husband to her.  You can't save her from herself!  She could loose her ability to walk tomorrow and still find a way to work at a bank, or have income, or do things.  It may be a good idea to have her nearby, but a townhouse?  There are apartment building condos that would serve her needs just fine.  A small, one bedroom that you could buy and rent to her and then, if the worse happens, have her move in with you and rent to someone else.

 

Your mom is a grown up woman who IS able to provide for herself.  your girlfriend has every right to be concerned.  I have a friend who's an immigrant (now a nun) who's mother was a lawyer but can't practice law in the US and has gone through various menial jobs to get to the point of stability.  This includes the both of them living in a studio apartment and sharing a bed.  Now the mother is hanging on but belief in God's providence is keeping her going one day at a time.  There is no extra money, there are no retirement savings, but there is a way.  My friend could of EASILY said she needed to get a high paying job to make sure her mother was all set, but she persued her vocation.  If marriage is yours, you need to disconnect from your mother's emotional manipulation.

 

 

 If my FI's parents lost their house and we had to take them in, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  My parents....well, that'd be another matter.  Part personality, part them being irresponsible about key things.  In the end, I would take care of them, but things would be much harder on us as a couple.

[Basilisa Marie]

I agree with what others said about your mom's situation. Based on what you've written, I really don't think your obligation is as big as you're making it out to be.  

 

Abortion is always wrong, but I think it's helpful to understand why so many women choose it. A lot of times women are absolutely terrified of having to raise a child, especially a special needs child. Our culture has turned parenting into something that's only worth doing if you can meet a certain standard of living, and that standard is really, really high.  People are afraid of the unknown, of committing in the face of the unknown, and of suffering.  There's this attitude that parenting means you throw most of your life away, and that your life is only going to be miserable if you have a special needs child.  Of course these are lies, but they're still ideas pervading our culture.  What I'm trying to illustrate is that given the way our culture operates, it's not that weird that a woman would be open to the idea of abortion. Catholics have a very, very different way of understanding the world.  Is she Catholic? If so, does she practice the faith? How strongly is she in favor of abortion? What about things like contraception? 

And again, I think it depends on what she means by not being able to sacrifice her happiness for anyone. Does she mean that she only helps others when it's convenient for her to do so? Does it mean that she won't subject herself to misery if it's unnecessary? I don't know.  Like I said, there's certainly a chance that you two are fundamentally incompatible.  But you need to have some frank, open and honest discussions about both of your reasons and try to find a compromise that respects everyone's needs if you're going to make the relationship work. 

[NotreDame]

Mortify,  can I ask where you live so I can gauge cost of living?  Also, aproximate ages for you and you GF?

[Era Might]

We talked about it again last night, and I kind of joked around about getting a big house and we could all live together and she said something that really struck me, she said, "I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness for anyone." I was surprised because she's really a selfless and caring person, but it made me wonder about other things. I remember asking her what she would do if she discovered the child in her womb had a disability such as down syndrome and she actually seemed open to having an abortion. It just troubles me, and maybe I'm just being really naïve here, but I think of the ideal love as a sacrificial love.

 

It is the highest love, but sacrifice is not cheap. It brings obligations. Sacrifice is for something, and when you sacrifice without insisting on those obligations, then the sacrifice just becomes suffering. And implicit in sacrifice is the possibility of betrayal, that the other party will not meet those obligations (e.g., fidelity within a relationship). That is why it is important to always maintain yourself and not to efface yourself in sacrifice, because if the sacrifice does not bear the fruit you expect, you still have to live. Life goes on, and in a healthy relationship both people are working to make the other person their best selves, not working to erase them. Don't confuse sacrificial love with blind, romantic love.

[mortify ii]

Mortify,  can I ask where you live so I can gauge cost of living?  Also, aproximate ages for you and you GF?

 

Notre, I live in the north east, it's an arm and a leg to live here... high taxes, high cost of living, it just bad

[An Historian]

It sounds as if your mother needs more psychological support rather than physical support.  I strongly suggest that you encourage her to speak with a good priest or Catholic psychiatrist.

[Comingback]

Hi Mortify,

 

I have read this thread and there are many insightful comments looking at different aspects of your problem, so I won't add to them.  Your situation just struck a chord with me and I just wanted you to know that I'll be praying for you.  My mom got seriously depressed in 1998 and since then has needed my care or has lived in nursing facilities.  She is currently in a nursing home.  I see her every weekend and it's an hour each way.  So I know, kind of, the feeling that comes from having someone depend on you very much.  Again, you have my prayers and thoughts.

[Archaeology cat]

As a potential compromise, what about a house that has a separate apt? That's actually what my sister and her husband have with his parents. There's a connecting door, but they needn't see each other if they don't need/want.

[NotreDame]

re. Mom: the cost of living complicates it more.  If you were in say, rural Nebraska then it would be easy for her to get her own place and you should definitely try to make that a goal.  However, if real estate is expensive than it's not so straightforward.  It might take a few steps for her move out and she might need a roommate when she does - which just complicates things further.

 

I think Lillabet is right that you both should do your best to live separately for a while.  It might be healthier for both of you to take a break and she can always come back later.  Mom's like that can be a big help when you have kids, especially if both parents work.

 

re. girlfriend:  Just keep in mind that a girl that could justify an abortion could certainly justify a divorce. 

[Semper Catholic]

Do you want to spend the rest of your life with your mother or another woman? Time to cut the chord

[Semper Catholic]

re. girlfriend: Just keep in mind that a girl that could justify an abortion could certainly justify a divorce.

unhinged

[Freedom]

 Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, perhaps I could find a girl who would accept my circumstances...

Plenty of fish in the sea including me.  My mom would :heart: me to find a guy, get married, have children.  We could kill two birds with one stone and please both our mutha's, it's brilliant!

[4588686]

U no how dem girls who r willing to leave u be all better treat me right or I'm leaven u

[Freedom]

 The fact that your mom lives with you and not the other way around already speaks well of you as a potential husband to someone.

Are you by any chance hinting at a possible proposal?