Family Obligations Vs Love

[mortify ii]

Hi pham,

 

So I have an issue... I love this girl, she's smart, educated, has a great personality, and I think I'd like to marry her one day. The issue? My mom lives with me and depends on my support, since we're immigrants it's just us in the United States. I feel for financial reasons and the support my mom needs, there's a good chance she will have to live with me... my girl friend has expressed concern over this, and says although she doesn't mind an in-law moving in when they really need it (e.g. health issues) in the next ten or fifteen years, she does not want to start out a marriage with an in-law. Ok, understandable, but unfortunate because she feels so strongly about this she said she will not be with me if my mom stays with us. Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, perhaps I could find a girl who would accept my circumstances, but more than likely me helping my mom the way I need to will probably land me a life of celibacy by default, and that's something I'm not sure I'm ready for. So dear friends, what to do?... fulfill my obligations as a son, or embrace the American way, screw it all, and just go for the girl. Any thoughts and input would be greatly appreciated.

[GeorgiiMichael]

Your mother needs you, this girl doesn't. Will she not even think to marry you because your mother, out of necessity, lives with you? If that's the case, find someone else. This girl is being very shallow-minded about your situation, and she is throwing away the possibility of what you two might have by not considering you because of your situation. There are plenty of women out there who would happily look past something so minor to be with the person that they care about, or that they think they might possibly care about in the future.

 

To just drop your mother for someone you've made no formal commitment to would be selfish at best, and gravely sinful at worst. To drop your mother for someone you HAD made a formal commitment to might make you technically less culpable (since your first duty would be to your wife in that instance) but would be just as bad, and the sin would also fall on to your wife. 

[Anastasia13]

Your mother needs you, this girl doesn't. Will she not even think to marry you because your mother, out of necessity, lives with you? If that's the case, find someone else. This girl is being very shallow-minded about your situation, and she is throwing away the possibility of what you two might have by not considering you because of your situation. There are plenty of women out there who would happily look past something so minor to be with the person that they care about, or that they think they might possibly care about in the future.

 

To just drop your mother for someone you've made no formal commitment to would be selfish at best, and gravely sinful at worst. To drop your mother for someone you HAD made a formal commitment to might make you technically less culpable (since your first duty would be to your wife in that instance) but would be just as bad, and the sin would also fall on to your wife. 

 

This. There is a woman out there that will love you have you, even the part of you that cares for your mom. That's the girl you should marry. The Catholic understand of marriage is something involving helping each other get to heaven. You want a woman who wants you to be the loving son you are as well as the loving husband that you can be. You should not settle for someone who wants you to be less of a person than that. And remember, not settling doesn't necessarily mean life-long celibacy. The fact that your mom lives with you and not the other way around already speaks well of you as a potential husband to someone.

[Catherine Therese]

If she's given you an ultimatum, well that is already a sort of emotional manipulation, an attempt to control the outcome of your decision. If this girl is seeking to control important decisions to do with your family responsibility then she doesn't truly love you.

Love does not seek to control.
Love is ALWAYS respectful of the free will of the other.
Love is never selfish… and her putting wedded bliss over the genuine need of your mom SOUNDS kinda selfish. (It's understandable to WANT to have privacy in early married life, but to insist upon it at the expense of the genuine NEED of another… thats NOT understandable.) Love isn't about self. Love is always other-focused.

It just doesn't sound like she truly loves you.

I agree with the others. There will be someone who truly loves you enough to respect your duty to your mom. There'll be someone who truly loves you enough to try to love your mother by extension of loving you (and if she doesn't get along, she'll still act in a loving way towards your mother, for YOUR sake and for God's).

Now THAT girl sounds like she's worth waiting for.

Prayers for you in your decision!

Edited November 19, 2013 by Catherine Therese

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

Pay for english classes for your mum, find her a job and housing, than bingo, Bob's your uncle. It is nice you care for your mum ever so deeply but sounds like you also must get married, you can't kill two birds with one stone. This is going to take much prayer and meditation as to how to approach this, if your girlfriend can wait till you establish your mum that would be great, if she truly loves you than she will. Also i'm not saying ditch your mum completely but if you do get married as someone has already said wife is number one priority.

 

God bless you brother in christ.

 

Jesus iz LORD.

[blazeingstar]

I'm going to be contrary to the other posters.  I feel a bit for her, as in America we have no cultural basis for living with parents except where the adult child is a lazy idiot or the parent is an overbearing control freak.

 

Have you actually sat down and talked to her about what you would expect your mom living with you to look like?  Is it possible to rent or buy a place with a build-in in-law apartment?  Is your mom actually medically fragile or is it just your immigrant status that is causing underemployment?  Is there a job that your mom could have for a year or two (like live in home health aid) that would allow you and your future wife to have some alone time as you begin your marriage?

 

Will you 3 be expected to eat dinner together every night?  Will she need to be transported by you and your future spouse?  Will you be able to leave your mom for a weekend?  Will your mom ever leave you for a weekend or a trip?  Will your mom respect your space?

 

Marriage and 2 people learning to live together is hard.  Adding in a 3rd person who may be skewed to support one over the other?  Recipe for disaster!

 

This isn't an all or nothing.  However, you need her to decide where she stands.

 

My Fi's sister and her husband live with my Fi's parents.  However they lived alone for a year before they did this.  Living in a house with 4 adults is difficult and then add another when the littlest is home from college and then 2 more when my FI visit.  While its workable with lots of patience, it's not always a Walton family gathering.

 

 

[Era Might]

First, don't be give up your life lightly. It's not a healthy way to go through life. But also don't just "go for the girl." You have to establish what you want, and use that as the ruler for how you deal with this situation. But it has to be what you want, not what your mother wants or a girl wants. Also, abandoning your mother is not "the American way." Most American men, if they have any sense, would never accept a situation where their mother was used against them.

 

Second, if you have Netflix, watch the movie "Love Simple." One of the characters has a similar dilemma.

[Luigi]

We can all get our needs met if we're creative, and we're all creative people.

 

Again, I don't know your mother's medical condition or anything, but could you set up a "nearby" living arrangement? There's a kind of house around here - it's a normal house with a room added on at the back, connected to the kitchen. They call it a "mother-in-law apartment". It usually has it's own door, so she can come and go as she pleases; the room is usually divided into a living room and a bedroom with a bathroom. So Mom has her independence and privacy, but she has access to the kitchen, and the family's close enough to look in on her if she's sick or something.

 

If you're in an apartment, you might be in one and Mom in the one next door - or one floor down or something.

 

 

Best of luck.

[CatherineM]

I was willing to take in my husband's mom even though she tried to have me deported as a terrorist.

[CrossCuT]

I tried to put myself in the situation of the girl you care for.

 

How would I feel if I were in the same situation? Honestly...I would probably be a little butt hurt because I wouldnt be able to have the idealized blissful marriage beginning where the two live on their own and blah blah blah

 

But in the case of my own boyfriend...he means the world to me. If he proposed and told me we would have to take care of his sick mother until her deathbed, I would do it. I care for him too much to let him go over something like this. Its also the right thing to do as a Catholic and a Christian even if its not a favorable decision for me...my only reasons for not wanting to would be selfishness.

 

It would also be a very good test in humility and charity for me. Yippee! :)

 

 

But I dont know anything about your relationship or how serious you two are. Is she expecting a proposal? Are you two on the same page? You said she has expressed concern but I dont know how much discussion has been had on the possibilities and circumstances.

[Norseman82]

I can see both sides....

 

On the one hand, the Bible does say that a man leaves his father and mother to cling to his wife.   

 

On the other hand, if the girl has a problem with you caring for your mother, then that says a lot about her personality (unless your mother is an "Aunt Edna" type). 

 

Additionally, is the girl also an immigrant or first-generation American?  I've noticed in real life that in immigrant families' kids are more likely to live at home and help out - in fact, it can be frowned upon to the point it is considered sinful to move out on one's own (unless one is in school, military, or has an out-of-town job).  This presents a culture clash with those whose families may have been here a while.

[4588686]

You're a good son.  

[Basilisa Marie]

I don't think your girlfriend is a big nasty selfish witch for being uncomfortable with living with your mother at the beginning of your potential marriage.  I know I'd be pretty uncomfortable in that situation (though I love my boyfriend and would come around to the idea, because, ya know, love).  I don't think people are right to demonize her - she knows what she wants in a relationship and where her own boundaries are.  At the same time, you also have other requirements for a relationship, and different needs. It looks to me like you two might be fundamentally incompatible. 

 

I don't know what her reasons are, so I won't speculate.  But have you two actually talked through exactly what makes her so uncomfortable? Have you discussed any worries or fears she might have about that situation? Have you fully explained to her what living with her mother-in-law would be like?  You don't say that she lives with you for health reasons, so could finding a place with her own area (like others have mentioned) be a possibility?  If you'd discussed all these things and still are hitting serious roadblocks, THEN call off the relationship.  

 

Yes, you have an obligation to care for your mother, but you don't have an obligation to throw away any chance of marriage for it.   You'll need to find someone who accepts that obligation to your mom.  You aren't being condemned to a life of celibacy, but you have to find a spouse who will respect and support you in your obligations. 

[mortify ii]

Thank you all for the thoughtful responses and prayers, I really appreciate it... first of all my girlfriend is not a bad person, I understand the desire to start off a relationship with just two people, and I too share in that desire but I feel my circumstances simply don't allow for it. On the flipside, my mom is not the nicest person, she's a divorced and broken woman, and even I have difficulty with sharing a living space with her. So believe me, I fully understand my girlfriend's hesitations, and I realize what I'm asking from her is a lot from her. We talked about it again last night, and I kind of joked around about getting a big house and we could all live together and she said something that really struck me, she said, "I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness for anyone." I was surprised because she's really a selfless and caring person, but it made me wonder about other things. I remember asking her what she would do if she discovered the child in her womb had a disability such as down syndrome and she actually seemed open to having an abortion. It just troubles me, and maybe I'm just being really naïve here, but I think of the ideal love as a sacrificial love. As for my mom, there isn't really a pressing need per se, she works two jobs, one as a bank teller and the other cleaning houses. The problem is she is divorced from a controlling husband, has absolutely no retirement money saved, and even less financial sense. She's in her fifties and her body is beginning to give, she has some chronic knee issues she's seeing a therapist for. I lived apart from her for two years when I got my first job, about two hours away, and she didn't fare too well. I've thought about getting her a small townhouse closer to me, but it introduces the problem of two mortgages, and although I make a decent living I'm not that well off. What if my mom gets laid off? Her bank has already talked about reducing the number of employees. It would be a nightmare situation, and my GF said she would still have problems with mom moving in if she were unable to find a job to work off that other mortgage. She is very set on her plan to have some space before any parents move in, and I totally respect that, and honestly don't blame her for it. Part of me though feels the bitterness I feel over my circumstances, I thought how unfortunate it was to be in this situation, and how I wished my mom could be more independent. I realize I have it nowhere as bad as some other folks, and it's really a bit melodramatic. I just see that this is going to be really difficult, and I really don't want to end up as one of those people who are alone because they took care of their parents, but it seems this maybe the plan God has set for me.

[mortify ii]

...sorry, I should have split that into a couple paragraphs to make it more readable