Relatives...

[southern california guy]

I've wasted time and energy today feeling angry at some of my relatives (several uncles).  And I'm having a little bit of a hard time moving on...

 

They are devote extremely loyal Catholics -- probably active on this forum -- and I never had a problem with them until one of my Uncles died..  They weren't great with my mom, their sister.  They would not answer the phone when she called (She was able to get around that by having the phone number blocked).  She thought it was odd but we could only guess the reasons for their behavior.  One guess had to do with the fact that they had stayed in Ohio after college -- but my mom had moved out to California.  The other was that she had not been able to attend her brothers wedding -- because she was working as a school teacher and she could not get the time off.

 

Anyway my Uncle, who had never married, died a couple of years ago.  Instead of a "Will" he set up a "Trust".  And he made two of his brothers the Executors. But the Uncle, who had helped the dead Uncle "manage" his money, would not work with the other Uncle.  He would not return phone calls, he would not return emails, nothing...  So that Uncle gave up and suggested that another Uncle be made Executor.

 

About 8 months after my Uncles death I was contacted by a lady from "CALSTR's" (California Teachers Retirement Fund) -- basically an IRA.  Apparently my Uncle had given her the wrong address and phone number for me -- but she had tracked me down, and confirmed that I was the right person.  My Uncle was a little giddy when he talked to me on the phone and he told me that "..you are sure lucky that your name appeared on that form as a beneficiary.  And if the lawyer had done his job correctly all of that money would have gone into the "trust". "    My dead Uncle had made me the beneficiary of his retirement fund

 

When I got the papers from CALSTR's I found out that my Uncles had continued to collect money from CALSTR's for two months after my Uncles death.  And they were refusing to pay it back to CALSTR's...  So CALSTR's was going to deduct that money ($5500) from my "death benefit" ($6000).  So I would receive about $500 -- before taxes...

 

I wrote my Uncles and called them on the phone, and again the Uncle -- who was basically running things -- was sort of giddy and insulting to me over the phone.  He told me that I should not get any of that money -- the lawyer who made up the Trust should have had all of that money go into the trust, and since it was a "death benefit" it should have gone to pay for my Uncles funeral, and I should be generous and share that money with my cousins.

 

After fighting with them for about a month they agreed to pay back at least part of the money.  And they made little payment $50 - $150 every couple of months.  After about a year of my calling up CALSTR's and asking them if the money had been payed back yet the manager at CALSTR's said that they had spent enough time on my account and he was "closing" the account and I could collect what had been payed back -- about half the money.  So I did -- and my Uncles kept $2040 from the CALSTR's.

 

Now it has been over three years and no money has been payed out from the Trust (There had been about $350,000 in the main account which was to be split 15 ways).  And recently my uncles sent out letters that we were to sign to said that we would not sue them and anything that we received would be payment in full from the Trust.  They gave a crude handwritten accounting of some expenses paid from the main account -- no total -- and showed one "disbursement" -- a payment of $2040 to one Uncle for the "work" he had done on the trust.  That Uncle is in bad physical shape and is dying of Parkinson's disease...

 

I could really use the money now but I am to the point that I wonder if any money is left in the trust whatsoever.  Their "account" show $0 interest paid last year on the Savings account.  And I know where they got the $2040...  I'm sure not going to bother any more calls to my Uncles -- that just end up with them trading insults with me.  And to make matters worse the wife of the Uncle who was paid $2040 -- my aunt -- is my "Godmother" She sent me a book when I was kindergarten, but has had no contact since.

 

It's around $20,000 that I would have gotten from the Trust... And it seems petty that they went after the CALSTR's benefit as well.  The manager at CALSTR's told me that they had been calling and arguing with them for close to 8 months before they finally tracked me down and contacted me.  And another Uncle, back in Ohio, called my mom and demanded that I pay back the money that I got from CALSTR's.

 

I basically trusted and respected these Uncles before all of this.. And on one hand I feel like calling them up and asking what is really going on.  On the other hand I feel that it would be a waste of time.  I've talked to a lawyer and it would not be worth it to try and sue them.  It probably would take a number of years and would definitely cost more than we could ever realistically expect to get.  Plus I don't have the money right now to start a lawsuit..  I guess that I have to move on and I should still show respect to my cousins and their children -- since they aren't part of any of this.  But it is hard to forget about it.  I have some big bills now and the money would have really helped.  At least it was a nice gesture from my dead Uncle -- who was incidentally an atheist..

[Norseman82]

Yeah, it's amazing how a death of a beloved unmarried childless uncle and dealing with his will evokes the ugly side of relatives.  I know it caused a division among two of my aunts that is cascading down to the next generation.   

 

Another benefit of being married - you can just leave everything to your spouse by default. 

[southern california guy]

Yeah, it's amazing how a death of a beloved unmarried childless uncle and dealing with his will evokes the ugly side of relatives.  I know it caused a division among two of my aunts that is cascading down to the next generation.   

 

Another benefit of being married - you can just leave everything to your spouse by default. 

 

Of course if you have kids you want to ultimately leave it to them.  And they might fight over it...  I think maybe it is best to have a lawyer help handle the will, and at least if the lawyer steals the money.. that is still better than one of the kids stealing it and creating a family conflict.

 

Somehow it is especially upsetting when the person lying and stealing from you is a family member.  It is hard to move past.

[Maggyie]

If I were you, I would endeavor to forget this episode ever happened, hard as it may be. No doubt your uncle has some justification he's created in his own mind for his behavior. You've learned a good lesson about what can happen. When you pass away, you can avoid similar circumstances by leaving every dime to the Little Sisters of the Poor or another worthy nonprofit.

[southern california guy]

If I were you, I would endeavor to forget this episode ever happened, hard as it may be. No doubt your uncle has some justification he's created in his own mind for his behavior. You've learned a good lesson about what can happen. When you pass away, you can avoid similar circumstances by leaving every dime to the Little Sisters of the Poor or another worthy nonprofit.

 

Thank you, that might be a good idea.

 

Do you know of any good prayers, or anything that I could read that is related?

[Maggyie]

In all circumstances and especially when restoration is needed I recommend I Believe in Love by Fr Jean C. J. d'Elbée.

[Gabriela]

This is most unjust, SCG, and I am someone who gets quite outraged at injustice. I am sorry that it happened to you. I do agree with Maggie, though, that for that sake of your soul, you should trust God that this is what was best for the moment and put the whole incident out of your mind. Hard, I know... But in the end, you will have peace.

 

I will pray for you.

[CatherineM]

I practiced law long enough to see many families torn apart by estates and money fights. I saw a son evict his elderly mom from the home she'd lived in for 50 years because she deeded it to him to avoid estate taxes.

I always say that the best gift you can give those who love you is to have your affairs in order and an executor who has no beneficiary interests.

I'd have them arrested for fraud. I bet they'd get stuff settled really fast then.

[AnneLine]

Having worked as a legal secretary AND as a bereavement counselor, I have heard about so many situations like this.

I do think, in one sense, that CatherineM is right about restitution.... but sometimes it isn't worth what it would take out of you, SoCal guy.

 

I am praying in a very special way for you and for your whole family tonight, SoCalGuy,  and hold you and your family in a loving embrace!!!

 

Below are some ideas on 'how to forgive an enemy' that were prepared by my old friend Marla Cilley the FlyLady.  I like her housework tips... but I also like how she lives out her faith.  She admits that this is a little more personal and spiritual in nature, but I think it is VERY helpful.  She sends it out from time to time, and I and many of my friends have found it helpful.

 

 

================================

 

Dear Friends,

As most of you know I have been having a problem with praying for someone that is trying to hurt my husband. I asked for your prayers and guidance. You are all such wonderful and spiritual people and through your suggestions, I have found a way to pray for her. All is fine now!

Here are some Prayer tips that worked for you.

I. Set the atmosphere for prayer.
   A. Play spiritual music on the stereo
   B. Sing
   C. Find your quiet place and pray there

II. Make yourself right with God first.
    A. Confess your sins
    B. Confess why you are having a hard time praying
       1. He already knows, he want you to hear it.
       2. Be honest and spill your heart
    C. Pray for wisdom and insight
    D. Ask others to pray for you
    E. Ask someone to pray with you at first
III. It is your duty to pray for your enemy.
     A. Read a scripture to help
         1. Ephesians 3:14-21
         2. Proverbs 16:1-7.
         3. Proverbs 25:21 & 22.
         4. Matthew 6:14
         5. Romans 12:14
      B. Look at what Jesus did when he was being mistreated
         1. Matthew 26:36-75
         2. Mark 14:43-72
         3. Luke 22:47-71
         4. John 19
     C. You can do this
IV. Put this person in prospective
     A. See them as a little child
     B. See them as a child of God
     C. Remember they are only flesh and blood too
     D. Satan is after them as well
V. Start simply
    A. Asked God to Bless their heart
    B. Thank God for the Good that is in this person
    C. Do this even if you don't believe it.
    D. Ask God for blessings that you would ask for yourself
    E. Write down a simple prayer and read it
    F. Substitute their name in the blanks.
    G.
VI. Reasons to pray.
    A. It will do you more good than the person you are praying for
        1. You will release the anger
        2. It will help you sleep at night.
        3. You will not have bad feelings eating away at you.
        4. You will not be sinning.
    B. Your inability to pray
        1. Is a sin
        2. This means Satan is after you too.
        3. You are no better than the person that has wronged you
        4. But you are a good person and good people pray for enemies
        5. Unforgiveness (God gave me a picture once of unforgiveness. It is like a woman in full labor,
           in lots of pain ,that closes her legs and says," No! I am not going to give birth". She can rid
           herself of the pain but chooses not to. It is a choice for you to carry this burden.)
           {this is from a member}I loved it. We can all understand this
     C. You will be blessed
         1. Your burden will be lifted
         2. God can and will change their heart
         3. If not he will take your vengeance (coals of fire)
            a. Don't pray for this reason
            b. or you will not be blessed
VII. Example of simple prayers.
      A. Ask God to melt their heart of stone
      B. Bless her heart, Bless her heart
      C. Heavenly Father, you are all knowing and all wise. I am just a human and
          do not understand everything that happens. Please give me guidance to
          deal with your child,XXX. Help me to know what I should be doing.Father,
          give XXX the wisdom to do what is right. Help XXX to remember that we
          are all your children and that you want us to love one another and treat
          each others with love. Give XXX your loving guidance in all she does.
       D. Smile every time you think about this person(my DH told me that one)
       E. Every time you have a bad thought about them
           1. Ask for forgiveness
           2. Say a pray for them right then and there
           3. This will help you to realize, and control your thoughts
       F. Set a specific time to pray for them
           1. When you wash the dishes
           2. When you take a bath
           3. When you are driving
           4. When you watch the birds.
           5. When you do something you really enjoy doing

I hope these wonderful suggestions have helped you as much as they have helped me. I never knew when I started this list that I was going to be dealing with these kind of issues. I knew that I was spiritual, but never thought of myself as a person that would be able to share a testimony like this one. I have never done this before and you certainly do not have to read this if you do not want to. Some of you already know this.

 

=============================

 

Thank you, again, to Marla Cilley, the FlyLady, and please pray for her .....  and find lots of interesting things at http://www.flylady.net

 

[Norseman82]

I'd have them arrested for fraud. I bet they'd get stuff settled really fast then.

 

I agree with CatherineM on this.  If they are doing this to you, they may be doing this to other family members, so this is not something to just "let go", no matter what religious guilt trips are laid on you.  Despite what some may say, your soul will not be put into jepoardy simply for standing up for your rights in a legal way - in fact, if I were in your position, I'd be more worried about not standing up for anyone else that may be shafted. 

 

I would suggest contacting other family members who are beneficiaries of the "trust" to see what they are experiencing.  If you find out that you and everyone else are getting what they are supposed to and no "funny business" is going on, then all is well.  If not, then whereas it may not be worth the effort for you to fight this alone, if you work with others it may be worth the effort.  Just be sure to have all your facts and documentation straight. 

[CatherineM]

The biggest problem with family members as executors is that they can serve without bond. So if they screw it up and lose everything, you get nothing. Longer you wait, the less money that will be left.

[AnneLine]

I hear what you are saying CatherineM... worked as a probate legal secretary for many years.  GET SOMEONE OUTSIDE THE FAMILY to do this job, everyone will be happier.... MUCH happier.

 

I agree with what you are saying, Norseman and CatherineM, about not letting them get away with this/standing up for his rights, but if he's been told that it will cost more $$$ than he will get back, and if it is disturbing his peace of soul... sometimes walking away is a better option.  But only sometimes. 

 

SoCalGuy, praying that you make the better choices each step of the way...

[blazeingstar]

SCG....

 

I'm sorry this is difficult.  It is not fair...but honestly, you did nothing to deserve or work for the money.

 

Your Uncle set up the way he wanted things to work.

 

Its sad you got shortchanged, but it sounds like there wasn't much you could do in the first place and that the relationship wasn't great with any of them.

 

You have to stop thinking of it as your money and what you could do with the money.  Its not yours until you have it, and you should not have any plans with it.

[John Ryan]

I practiced law long enough to see many families torn apart by estates and money fights. I saw a son evict his elderly mom from the home she'd lived in for 50 years because she deeded it to him to avoid estate taxes.

I always say that the best gift you can give those who love you is to have your affairs in order and an executor who has no beneficiary interests.

I'd have them arrested for fraud. I bet they'd get stuff settled really fast then.

 

"For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows." — St. Paul

[southern california guy]

SCG....

I'm sorry this is difficult. It is not fair...but honestly, you did nothing to deserve or work for the money.

Your Uncle set up the way he wanted things to work.

Its sad you got shortchanged, but it sounds like there wasn't much you could do in the first place and that the relationship wasn't great with any of them.

You have to stop thinking of it as your money and what you could do with the money. Its not yours until you have it, and you should not have any plans with it.

You sound like my uncles.. I did send out emails but the relatives in Ohio ignored them. I think their feelings are that they will eventually get something if they just keep their mouths shut and wait it out. And they feel that if they helped my family kick out the uncles in charge than my family would just take it all.

Really the people that my dead Uncle left it to are the people entitled to the money. If we had enough money to fight it we could criminally prosecute them. The fact that we did not work for it does not make it theirs to keep. It's a bit like they are settling a score.