Anxiety That I Might Have Missed The Boat

[bardegaulois]

Hello. This is my first posting here, and I might be somewhat lengthy, but for some reason I've been having something of an existential crisis regarding my destiny this week, and feel as though I need all the counsel I can get.

 

In my 20s, shortly after I came to take the faith seriously, it occurred that I ought to take the priesthood more seriously. And so I did, and what I experienced of parish and diocesan politics aggravated me so that I found myself rather bilious, defensive, and even at times duplicitous. I felt like that man who no longer loves his wife but still lives uneasily with her. After a few years that still feel wasted, I realized that my wheels were spinning, and it would be best for my health and my sanity to look elsewhere. I thus contacted orders, as my diocese had recommended, only to have several letters come back advising me that I wasn’t quite the candidate they were looking for. On my 30th birthday, I finally got the hint that there wasn’t much of an offer here and prayed simply that God put His offer, His recommendation even, but more preferably His command, right in front of my face so I wouldn’t be plodding along in this limbo any longer.

It should go without saying that that prayer was answered over the next few months. I found work as a college instructor in English and the humanities, a position I hold to this day, in which my interests and talents are surely better used than in past work I’ve held. And then, out of the blue, came the woman, and not just any woman. She was the sweetheart of my 17th year, the first I loved, whom I hadn’t seen since that time. I had not even finished reading her first letter to me before youth’s passions came to inflame my heart, and I was again in love. Upon setting the letter down, I knelt in prayer, asking forgiveness for my lack of trust in divine providence over the past years and giving thanks for the woman, the job, and all good benefits I had received. The offer was made, right in front of my face as I had asked, and was no longer a mere abstraction.

But I let her go. I’d offer a reason, but to this day I’m not sure. I believe self-doubt had a lot to do with it. In any case, thus began the most difficult year of my life, which I didn’t handle very well. I drank a lot and became a social recluse. I felt that I had in an unguarded moment thrown God’s grace back into His face, that I had failed myself, this woman, and God Himself. Every day was another overwhelming experience of guilt and shame. Life seemed to lose its savour. It got very bad when I found out she was engaged to another man. That’s when my confessor told me that I should stop confessing this: if it was sin, it is forgiven; failure to accept that forgiveness is exactly the same thing I did when I let her go. I asked the confessor then why I still feel guilty. The answer: this is my share of the cross; offer it up.

This happened a few years ago, and it taught me a lot about the fallenness of our nature. I’ve since that time continued to focus more on what’s in front of my face, teaching, advising, and mentoring students, even writing for publication. But little seems to have changed otherwise. I’m still just a bachelor academic, still something of a recluse, seemingly meaningless when I return to my apartment at night. And even if this has purged me of much of the bile of my youth, I’m getting into the “over-the-hill” years as far as most religious orders go, and that’s presuming I find this option right before me again.

So as far as vocations go, I’ve chased a phantom which consumed me and then I declined an offer which likewise consumed me. Thinking about the latter still hurts quite a bit; it’s like a continual penance I undertake. Then thinking about where I stand now hurts—and I’m all alone facing it. No sympathetic wife, no wise and holy religious brethren, just me alone in my armchair during the pipe-and-slippers hours in my drafty apartment.

So, back to my point: a vocation is a choice to respond to a divine call in a particular way. My response, very much in spite of myself and of which I repent daily, has been no. Now every no implies a yes. Was I saying yes to make this penance, this solitude my vocation? Other men get to go to their families or dine with their brethren, and I get to go off alone and be sad? I didn’t actively choose this—I didn’t say yes to this; I only said no to something else—and there’s little joy in it. I keep on telling God that I’ll keep doing this so long as He gives me the grace, but I’d rather something else, something with a little less insecurity. And hopefully something somewhat more conventional (Latin-Mass people like myself hate novelty).

 

I loved the unboundness of my estate when I was 20, but what's good for a man of 20 isn't necessarily good for a man of 35. My friends, when they marry, tend to be lost to me after that, save chance meetings occasionally. Social affairs are very awkward: I'm the only man of my age showing up stag, except perhaps for a priest. I had a woman friend who served as my social companion, but she married last year and I haven't seen her since. Now I dread being out: there's no loneliness more acutely felt than that when you are surrounded by others but ignored. Being of competent age but alone, I can't help but wonder what people are thinking: crazy? homosexual? alcoholic? what's wrong with this guy? I tend to nurse a cocktail on the sidelines for a while and then make my exit. Even priests can do none but offer glib bromides when I approach them about this issue. One might expect recruiting-poster rhetoric from them, but I don't get that any longer. Past the sell-by date, I suppose.

 

Well I know that all states of life have benefits and detriments. Yet, it bugs me that something just doesn’t feel right. Something just doesn’t feel complete. My life is ordered toward nothing in particular, just a sort of abstraction. I find myself yearning for a sort of particularity, a specific way to live the Gospel—and I get none. That’s what feeds my doubts and fears: I know my own judgment isn’t trustworthy, but I seem to get nothing else.

 

I know I've gone all over the place here, but does this make sense? What do you make of this? Thanks for your time.

[inperpetuity]

Welcome  bardegaulois.  I wish I could say something clever, or consoling,  but I can say that I do understand where you are.  I am a woman but I have felt the things you describe here before.  There are many others out there who have very similar circumstances who find it difficult to deal with, accept, be happy with what you do have, and whatever other clichés one can come up with.  Abandoning oneself and ones weaknesses and faults to God trusting in His power and mercy is a good exercise that has helped me tremendously.   I always heard about the wanderings of St. Joseph Benedict Labre and feared ending up like him even though he is a saint.  I would literally cringe when I heard his name.  He searched for his vocation after voluntarily walking away from the diocesan priesthood for which he had been studying and was rejected by several monasteries because of his frail appearance. He was told to leave the one that did accept him because he suffered so much because Our Lord allowed him to experience all the sins committed in the world as though they were his and the fathers were afraid he would lose his mind. He became a "pilgrim" and traveled through Europe from shrine to shrine finally ending up in Italy where he ultimately became a beggar despised by some and venerated by others working many miracles of healing.  I came across his biography at a friend's one day and dared to read it.  I quite unexpectedly fell in love with him and pray to him every day now.  I have asked him to be my patron.  I've never done that with any saint before.  He is one of the most gentle, humble saints I have ever "met", but also one of the greatest ascetics which I could never imitate only admire.  What is my point?  I'm not sure, but I can tell you that Our Lord knows what you suffer and why.  I still have not found my vocation and sometimes I wonder if I ever will, but then I remind myself that I can try to love God as much as possible, I can pray.  At least I have the certainty that those things are His will.  I will pray for you and btw, at 35 you are not over the hill yet :) .

Edited November 9, 2013 by inperpetuity

[Maggyie]

Friend, at 35, I promise the opportunities for you to marry are almost endless. Consider the position of an unmarried Catholic woman who is 35. By her mid 30s many such women are overlooked by pious Catholic men, who often evaluate women based on their potential to produce a large family. And these are good women who would make an excellent spouse! They are everywhere, and they definitely outnumber Catholic men on websites like Ave Maria Singles, etc. I know so many of these women who long for the companionship of a husband who shares their faith. They might not be able to give you 10 children but they can give you many happy years.

 

Ultimately a lot of it is down to choice. God calls, but he gives us the freedom to select an answer. You've said "no" in the past - it's simply a matter of choosing to say "yes" in the future. That way over-simplifies it, but ultimately that's the truth.

[The Bus Station]

I will pray for you brother.  I cannot add to what others have said, but, to echo Maggie, you certainly have not "missed the boat".  I have an uncle who married for the first time at age 44, his wife was 37.  They have three children and are so happy.  I also know a couple of men who entered the seminary at age 40, and they are now joyful priests. 

 

As Our Lord says in the Holy Gospel, "seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened to you." (Matthew 7:7)

 

[arfink]

I also went to seminary, although somewhat younger, and also found it hard to get traction afterwards and felt a bit lost. But there are paths if you wish to be married. :) I just got engaged recently, after years of wondering if I'd ever meet anyone. So yes, it can happen.

[brandelynmarie]

:welcome: I echo what many have said above. :) I too, am coming to grips with regrets from those choices I have made in my life. I pray to our dear Mother under Her patronage of Undoer of Knots. And I ask our Lord to make something beautiful out of my past faults & failings. We pray for one another here & we shall pray for you!

Edited November 9, 2013 by brandelynmarie

[Catherine Therese]

I have no advice - but a great deal of empathy and accompanying prayer.

[petitpèlerin]

You're definitely not over the hill. (And I'm 35, too.) And you're in a good place, in that you're realistic about yourself, some mistakes you've made, and you want to devote yourself to a vocation, whatever it may be. . . right? I don't have much advice, just encouragement. Many people nowadays don't find their vocations until their 30s or 40s, whether married or religious, and it sounds like you're serious now about seeking yours. You're not too late. God's timing is perfect. I wouldn't believe it myself if I weren't experiencing it right now as I'm in the process of entering the community to which I feel called. One thing that comes to mind is to not stay too long in the "discerning discernment" stage. If you do feel a possible call to religious life, with the help of a spiritual director, I'd seek to find enter one. You can't know until you enter. Same with dating: you can't really know unless you meet someone and seriously explore the possibility of marriage together. (Advice a priest recently gave me.)

[NotreDame]

Barde,

 

FYI - I also saw this cross-posted at the catholic answers forums and just read that thread as well...

 

http://forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=835226

 

I'm actually older than you, though like you I spent many years on and off trying to discern a vocation.  I also had a lot of difficulty during that time getting good advice (both wrt to discernment and general spiritual life.)  So there's a lot of advice I wish I could give to my younger self and some of it may be relevant to you. 

 

The first is that a vocation is a calling, a desire placed inside of you by God.  It's not a choice like a career.  The second is that God doesn't call everyone to ask the question "Am I called?" and not all who ask the question get a "Yes."  So discerning and getting a no is more normal than you think.  It doesn't feel great in your thirties, because you, like me, probably feel like you've wasted time and passed up opportunities "chasing a phantom", but if you look at it from a spiritual perspective you'll probably see some benefit. 

 

It's good to remember what Garrigou Lagrange had to say in his Three Ages of the Interior Life.  It is a good quote to remember when things are difficult, that God is working through our struggles, our Christian suffering to an eternal end:

 

We must convince ourselves in the living light of  contemplation that when we say, “God permits evil only for a higher good,” we are uttering not simply a sacred formula,, but a truth replete with life. We must firmly and deeply believe that the higher good which God is beginning to realize in us in the midst of our struggles is an eternal good that will not pass away.

 

That leads me to the next thing I wish I could have told myself... That, more important than your vocation or state of life is your spiritual life.  God is not going to condemn you or make your life miserable for not following a vocation.  God will work with you wherever you are. Being damned and miserable comes from Sin, worldly attachment, egoism.  So your priority should be to work on your spiritual life, prudently, and patiently, and your vocation will follow.  If you were still in school I might say to make a push and try to find a place to enter, but at your age if you have a steady job and are building a career, do NOT quit your job until you've spent a couple years addressing your spiritual life. 

 

And now for some advice specific to you.   This is your comment from another thread: "I have just the universal call to holiness to guide me—with no specifics as to how to live it out. I have no models, no mentorship"

 

NO! NO! NO!  There are actually a TON of specifics on how to live out that call to holiness, so this is a BIG problem that you feel this way and you need to address it!!!  Dont' get me wrong, I do know that if you are in the US, especially if you are in certain geographic locations, getting good spiritual advice on what to read and do isn't always easy, but you are making an effort just by these posts, so that's a start.  If you are an LTM'er I'd venture that you are closer to this info than you think and that you can understand why this spiritual knowledge has become so difficult to find.  Getting these specifics and following them in your life should absolutely be a priority right now.  I have a lot of advice as far as where to get these "specifics", but a lot would depend on you personally and where you are located.  If you are interested, I'll offer more, just ask. 

 

One thing I won't say is "go get a spiritual director" because I'd say more than half of the SD's out there now (especially in the US) aren't qualified and they can do more harm than good if you are in a "spiritual crisis" as you appear to be.   People might bristle at that, but I'm just repeating what the Doctors of the Church say on the subject.  In your current state you need to really, really be paitent in searching for and finding an SD.   Instead, maybe getting a good catholic counselor you can talk to for a few sessions could to help flesh out if there is anything else going on outside of the spiritual, just to be sure.

 

And no, you aren't too old for marriage.  If you have a good job, which it sounds like you do, then you are fine age-wise for marriage.  However, you are too old to put off working on your spiritual life - everybody is ;)  Don't put that off.  Be prudent about it, but don't delay. 

Edited November 9, 2013 by NotreDame

[bardegaulois]

Thanks all for responding. I think I should adress some of these individually.

 

Notredame, yours is the longest, so I'll start with you. Yes, this is a mildly edited cross-post; Im hope I'm not violating a rule or term of service by posting this. You speak of "sin, worldly attachment, egoism," and I do realize that this is the biggest battle that I fight--and that we all fight. That's what sank me in the past, but my own failures have led me to contemplate these things again on a more profound level. The benefit is that I actually can work with a trusted spiritual director, a priest who advised me when I was younger. We ended it when he was reassigned further away and I took on more job responsibilities, but I dropped him a line earlier today. I know I can't resolve this alone; I tend to overintellectualize things and that can make one very susceptible to what I've called "the modern neurosis." Indeed, it was the need to take the spirtual life a little more seriously that drew me to the TLM, and I find that I receive or more welcome and less standoffish reception there than I do in the more lackadaisical local parishes I once frequented. Feel free to send me a message if you think you know of more resources that could help.

 

Inperpetuity, I'll address you next, and must admit that I too cringed when you mentioned Labré. I am not really drawn to a heavily penitent, ascetic life, especially one lived in solitude and out of context to anything else, yet it seems like that's what I have in front of me now, that or some other more rare or bizarre vocation. I fear that, but I fear causing more offense to God more, while still knowing that fear should absolutely not be a motivating factor here. The type of freedom enjoyed by Labré, once so appealing in my youth, just doesn't seem to fit any longer; I'm not looking for freedom and solitude but for responsibility and friendship. Yet I can only work with what's in front of me.

 

Everyone else, thanks for the prayers; I'll certainly return the favour. May I ask particularly that you pray that I may overcome my fears? God bless.

[NotreDame]

B,  I think the search for meaning that you are going through is pretty normal, although there are certain types of people more disposed towards it than others.  In Catholics, this search for meaning often gets tied up with vocation, but they really aren't the same thing.  Finding one's "true vocation" doesn't give life meaning in and of itself.  God gives life meaning and those following their vocations have meaning because they are following God, not the other way around.  Plenty of people with spouses, children, and careers end up miserable and divorced, because they didn't have God in their life and weren't getting "meaning" from any of those other things, just distractions.  The same even happens to religious and priests to a lesser extent. 

 

So I'd quit being so dramatic worrying about what you might be called to.  I would wager you are't called to be a beggar in the street.  You are probably called to be an English teacher for the rest of your life and that might be what's bothering you so much ;) Just try to work on your spiritual life for a while.  The rest will fall into place.   I'll PM you with some reading suggestions...

 

[miserere55]

Dear Barde,

 

    You have not missed the boat.    The boat may have departed earlier than you were ready for it, but there are many more boats scheduled and they all will arrive at the same destination.   God has a plan for each of us, however, if we don't like His first plan (or second plan) He will scrap it and write a new plan.  He is PATIENT and loving and extremely flexible.  He does not want you to be in turmoil.  You are uncomfortable in certain situations or with certain Orders because those places are not where YOU are meant to be.  Keep looking and searching and be open to the next thing that will come into your life.  You are still very young.  Things are changing in the Church - men are being ordained at 60 and 70 and women are entering religious life at those same ages.  God doesn't have an age limit. 

 

    It is much more difficult to enter the priesthood or religious life at an older age. The sacrifice is greater  Young people (20's) really have nothing much to "give up."  Yes, they may be giving up the choice of a career, or the chance at marriage and family, but they will have a home and maybe parents to return to if the vocation is only temporary.  Older people have a career and maybe tenure, cars, house, furniture, 401K ,pensions,  and more to leave behind and may not have a home or parents to return to if it doesn't work out.  Its easy to be idealistic when you are young and it is easy to give up material entrapments when you don't really own anything.  I know of what I speak, I entered religious life at 17 and stayed 9 years and then re-entered religious life again much later.  Two very different discernment processes. 

 

     I love St. Benedict Joseph Labre and also St. Francis of Assisi.  Who doesn't?  But the beggarship and the homelessness of their life isn't truly possible in today's world. They both lived in VERY different times and places.  You can't become a burden to society.  If we took up residence in an abandoned Church today, like St. Francis did, we could be arrested, We can, however, emulate their virtues - humility, abandonment, etc., and live them within the framework of our own time and place. 

 

     Finally, I would like to say that you should never judge others and use them as an excuse not to become a priest or to enter religious life.  The Church, although Holy and Guided by the Spirit, is still filled with frail and sinful human beings.  There is no perfect situation.  You will not find a convent, priory, monastery or rectory where everything and everyone is perfect, and/or where charity is practiced at all times by everyone.  There will always be politics and faults against charity.  It is simply a fact of life - read "The Story of a Soul."  No marriage is perfect either.  Keep searching for your life and know that when you feel comfortable in a situation, you will be home.  You do not have to do something extreme or bizarre or live as a hermit in the world, unless you find that this is where you will be most comfortable.  Enjoy the Journey.  You are remembered in prayer and I wish you the best.

 

 

[miserere55]

Barde,

 

If you are searching for an Order or Diocese, here is a quote that I love from one of the Saints.  (Cant remember which one and will look it up) 

 

"I have not entered religion to live as others live, but to live as they should, according to the spirit of the Institute and in perfect observance of the Rule. That is why, upon entering religion, I was given the Rule to read, not the lives of others................(cannot remember the rest.) 

 

A nun I knew often said this, "It is Heaven to live with the Saints in Glory, but to live with them on earth is another story."