Telling People.

[Spem in alium]

I think this definitely comes up when one is at a "crossroads". Particularly finishing up a degree, EVERYONE wants to know what you will be doing with your degree and being in the sciences almost everyone thinks that you are headed to Grad school.  I have found a nice way to stave off those questions. I just tell them that I am taking a year off to do a year of service and figure things out. 

 

Yes, it's very tricky when at a crossroads. It's similar with me - because I did a research year this year, most people assume I'm definitely heading on to do more and that I want to be a university lecturer. I usually just say that I'm still working things out, which usually throws them off the question path.

[AnneLine]

I'm greatly intrigued by the results of the poll so far. Why do so many think you should never tell anyone except close friends and family? And why would so many never tell an employer? I've never met a guy who is discerning that has that philosophy, so perhaps girls are more secretive about it, but still, it has my amateur psychologist mind wondering. I do understand wanting to be secretive about it because you put more attention on yourself than God before, but why so far as to conceal it completely?

 

Those are good questions, Miles.  I didn't answer the questions in the poll, because they didn't quite fit what I would have responded.  :unsure:

 

When I was preparing to enter, it was the late 1970's and 1980s.  It was NOT as common or accepted at thing as it is now to do this.  There was NO support, and nothing like Phatmass around... just a lot of people telling you what a horrible mistake you were making.....My parents and family were NOT supportive, and neither were a lot of my friends.  I didn't want to have to deal with all their negativity while I wasn't so sure myself... and I certainly didn't want them to find out from other people!  :wedgie:

 

It might be different now... but now you have all the negativity from people who associate the Church with scandals..... :sad:

 

The reason people don't tell an employer is simple... and may be hard for you to believe, but there is a LOT of prejudice about people going into and coming out of religious life... and people have been let go because of an employer learning this.  "I" was let go because I told a temp agency this.  Because they think you aren't going to be around... that you don't plan to stay with them for a long period.   It isn't fair (because no one knows where they will be in a few years time) but it is the way it is in the real world.  

 

And as far as family and friends.... once my parents did find out, my father cried every time he met me.  And that went on for MONTHS.  After I returned home from the convent, I got calls at odd hours of the day and night for years... just to be sure that I really existed!   :covereyes:

 

And some 'friends' never wanted to connect with me again, either when they learned I was going in, or paradoxically, when I came out.

 

So, yes, there can be a lot of good reasons why people don't want to tell a lot of people.   Discretion is an important skill for ANYONE to learn.    :noevil:

 

AND.. many people treat you differently if they think -- or know -- you want to be a nun, sister or a priest.  And that doesn't help anyone in their discernment.  Even once my 'secret' was out and everyone knew I was going in, my own family treated me oddly.   I went to visit extended members of my dad's family in the Chicago area, and until I literally put my foot down and demanded they treat me normally, they didn't want to take me to a museum, or to a store, or to a movie.  They couldn't figure out what to do with me!   Because they had never met anyone who wanted to go into a convent.  I might as well have arrived from another planet. :alien:

 

 

I guess my suggestion is to use discretion.  I wouldn't tell everyone until I was definitely accepted and it was going to happen... because if anything unexpected comes up, you don't want to be answering everyone's questions about, well, why not!!!!  :crazy:

 

If you have already told family and close friends, decide how wide a circle of people you want to know.  Once I had been accepted, I made a conscious choice -- and told my family and friends -- that I intended to tell everyone because I felt there was a witness value in people knowing that people did do this.  It did make it harder for me when I came home from the convent, but I also think THAT had a witness value... that I had given my life to God, and that I was STILL giving my life to God.... just that I realized it was not to be in the convent.  That, too, is a powerful message to give, I think..... :pm:

[blazeingstar]

To me discerning religious life is kinda like the pre dating stage, people close to you may have a vague idea that you are interested in someone but have not made the most basic commitment to them.

 

My friend and I are "vocation buddies" and we have followed a similar, yet different path.

 

I didn't go around telling the world that I was interested in my future husband, and she didn't tell people she was perusing a religious vocation. 

 

When my FH and I got serious, people knew, same with her interest in her order.  She entered as a postulant a month before I got engaged. (and we both were public about it at that time).   What's really cool is I will be married next year when she finishes her 1st year and my FH and I plan for children around when she'll be receiving her final vows.    I find it a beautiful and poignant comparison and I think that in some ways it's divine the way the each process reflects the other. (though my "vows" will be complete for a year before she receives hers, I still find it cool).

[TheresaThoma]

Honestly my rule of thumb is when it becomes awkward in conversation NOT to say it, again that depends on the person. Most of my coworkers (there are 5 of us) know that I am discerning because at one point we were all discussing our after graduation and long term plans and it just felt dishonest not to mention it. They were being honest with me and since then they have actually been quite supportive of me. They don't really understand, none of them are Catholic though one is married to a Catholic, but they are supportive which is great. Goes to show that you don't know where support will come from!

[Spem in alium]

Honestly my rule of thumb is when it becomes awkward in conversation NOT to say it, again that depends on the person. Most of my coworkers (there are 5 of us) know that I am discerning because at one point we were all discussing our after graduation and long term plans and it just felt dishonest not to mention it. They were being honest with me and since then they have actually been quite supportive of me. They don't really understand, none of them are Catholic though one is married to a Catholic, but they are supportive which is great. Goes to show that you don't know where support will come from!

Agreed. I've received support from some "unlikely" places - non-practicing and agnostic friends, and one of my closest friends who is a Muslim (actually, my Muslim friend has been one of the most supportive people throughout my whole discernment). As you say, they don't really understand, but then again I don't personally know anyone who does who hasn't already experienced religious life  :) My Catholic friends and family know more about what religious life is about, but they don't always get why I'm seriously considering living it.
 

Edited November 5, 2013 by Spem in alium

[AnneLine]

That is fascinating, Spem, because I had a parallel experience!   It was my protestant friends who were most supportive -- I think they saw it like me going to ministry school or something.  (They didn't quite get the poverty/chastity/obedience stuff, but they could see the value of attending 'seminary'.  ;)   My Jewish friends were equally supportive!  

 

The non-religious ones just saw me as dedicating myself to 'social justice' and they were cool with that... and with what would make me happy.   Kind of sweet....

 

It was the CATHOLICS who for the most part gave me grief about the choice.... arguing that I would be throwing my life away.  At that point religious life was in a LOT of upheaval, and I think a lot of people didn't want to see me dragged down into what they had seen of the kind of lost situation too many of their teachers had been in.  But I am not sure....

 

I think the neatest thing was my Jewish landlord who took my cat when no one else would do it.  He made it clear that he wanted to give Dolpho a good home.... but also that he wanted me to know that he would be cared for so I would feel free to follow where the Lord was leading.  A wonderful ecumenical thing....!

Edited November 5, 2013 by AnneLine

[Spem in alium]

That is fascinating, Spem, because I had a parallel experience!   It was my protestant friends who were most supportive -- I think they saw it like me going to ministry school or something.  (They didn't quite get the poverty/chastity/obedience stuff, but they could see the value of attending 'seminary'.  ;)   My Jewish friends were equally supportive!  

 

The non-religious ones just saw me as dedicating myself to 'social justice' and they were cool with that... and with what would make me happy.   Kind of sweet....

 

It was the CATHOLICS who for the most part gave me grief about the choice.... arguing that I would be throwing my life away.  At that point religious life was in a LOT of upheaval, and I think a lot of people didn't want to see me dragged down into what they had seen of the kind of lost situation too many of their teachers had been in.  But I am not sure....

 

I think the neatest thing was my Jewish landlord who took my cat when no one else would do it.  He made it clear that he wanted to give Dolpho a good home.... but also that he wanted me to know that he would be cared for so I would feel free to follow where the Lord was leading.  A wonderful ecumenical thing....!

Your landlord sounds like he would have been amazing :)
Yeah, she's really lovely. She always asks how things are going and offers support to me. I'm really lucky to have her! One of my good friends is Anglican, and I've found I can really talk to her about things and feel that she supports me too.
A lot of my friends aren't practicing (if they're Catholic at all), and so it's a little harder for them to understand why I'd want to do this sort of thing - which is natural, as they've not experienced it themselves. Many of them can't really shake the idea that if I do become and stay a religious, I'll never marry or have sex. Those I've told have just acted pretty neutral about it (with responses like "Oh, that's nice") or made comments like, "Wow, you must be REALLY religious" or "You must pray a LOT". I just say things like, "There's a lot more to it". 

[MarysLittleFlower]

I think it maybe depends on what stage of discernment people are at... if they're still praying about it, or aren't really applying etc, they might not feel comfortable telling anyone except people really close to them... because it might affect their discernment, be potentially discouraging, or they're just not feeling ready. Once you're accepted into a convent or really decide to apply, I think that makes it easier to tell others because you know it's happening. I don't know. Just some guesses :)

[Kylie Spinelli]

With regards to the second question, it made me chuckle. I actually told my boss before I told my parents.  :hehe2:

[Freedom]

Word of advice, if a dude is flirting with you don't tell him unless he's ugly.