Being Single

[MarysLittleFlower]

I was recently thinking about being single and how we could look at that.. I came across some articles and blog posts, such as this one: http://convergemagazine.com/single-waiting-9283/

 

Afterwards, I had a lot of things to think about and eventually ended up writing a blog post too, mostly to write down everything on my mind: http://maryslittleflower.wordpress.com/2013/10/30/some-thoughts-on-the-single-life/ (sorry it's really long, but if anyone gets through it, lol, I'd be interested in your thoughts!).

 

What has been  your experience of being single? how should we/could we look at this life, whether it's temporary or permanent?

 

thanks! :)

[ToJesusMyHeart]

Jesus: poor, chaste, obedient. 

 

I'm okay with being single. WWJD? ;)

[NotreDame]

very nice blog post!  Well said.  I'm a guy, so I don't feel urgency in the same way a woman would, but I can relate to the sentiments and your conclusions.  thanks for posting.

[Julie de Sales]

I am single and you could say I always was; I have never had a steady relationship and sometimes this brought feelings of jealously, fear, inferiority, shame, etc. Even if I always had the dream of being a religious sister, there were times when I was experiencing the need of a boyfriend and I wasn't having one...I believe I wanted the emotional support of a boyfriend, the beauty of this kind of friendship, but also beeing like everyone else, given the fact that the majority of my friends were dating and I was feeling excluded, not normal in a sense. However, for this moment, I don't want to date, because I think God really wants me to discern religious life and I would not be able to do two things at the same time. 

 

Another thing that I want to add is that even if one doesn't have a boyfriend/girlfriend this doesn't exclude difficulties regarding sexuality. In my opinion, there are some questions/problems in this matter that are more acute if someone doesn't have a partner. (I understand if you don't know what I mean, but I don't feel like giving more details).

 

So my experience with being single: easy on the outside, sometimes hard on the inside, but in my discernment process I try to develop my relationship with Christ, real man and God. Even if, obviously, there is a difference between Him and a real boyfriend, it helps me to channel this desire of my heart. So, in a sense, I'm not single, I'm dating Jesus ;)

 

I really liked your article, I can relate to a lot of what you said.

 

 

 

[Spem in alium]

I've always been single. I've liked a few guys and did come close to dating once, but things never panned out. Some would say that God's spared me from that :P

When I was in high school, being single was hard. I assumed I'd get married (and knew next to nothing about religious life), and the fact that my friends were dating did, like Julie mentions, make me feel excluded. Looking back on it now, I think I was more taken with the idea of having a relationship and a wedding rather than with the reality of marriage - I think I felt there was something I needed to prove. I can definitely relate to the element of urgency in relationships - I felt it quite strongly during school.

 

It still gets hard to be single even now that I'm discerning religious life. A part of me wants intimacy and love and children, but I think that's a relatively natural feeling - and as quite a maternal person, I think that's just part of who I am. And while I do feel this sense of longing sometimes, there's another part of me that wants to be with God exclusively, and this is creating within me a stronger desire and a greater happiness than I've ever felt before. So I'm happy to be single :)

[Lilllabettt]

In highschool I looked down on people who dated; I considered them conventional and less than serious.  Even among grown ups dating makes for a kind of self absorption that is not attractive to me at all. Maybe the real problem is I think romance is silly. Now most of my friends are married, and while they are happy I see that vocation necessitates a (to me) unpleasant shrinking of the world.

 

I have dated.  But never enough to consider myself anything besides single.  And that was because it was boring! And so uncool!

 

 Anyway ... the angst of singleness can be added to the list of human experiences which are almost completely alien to me. Not normal. sigh.

 

[BarbTherese]

I am single, private vows, and happy and for around 30 years or more now.  I shifted 4 years ago and the precise year in which I made final private vows (with spiritual direction) has been lost in my files somewhere.

 I was married (annulled) for 15 years and have two adult sons.  I entered religious life twice, once in my teens and again in my forties (pre and post marriage). It was after my decision to leave religious life in my forties that a whole way of life in the lay state under private vows just unfolded in my path.  I finally knew my vocational state in life and a call to a quite specific way of life - with ongoing spiritual direction. After quite a long and colourful journey in this vocation I know it is that way of life to which I have been called and am continually called.  I don't think that we hear our state in life vocational call once, we accept the invitation, and then that is it.  It is a continual daily call to holiness in a specific way of life.  It is also a commitment of the will in most cases (there can be exceptions) and through all and any problems and difficulties and it is the Grace of one's vocation that spurs one on without turning back and giving up and come what may.

Edited October 30, 2013 by BarbaraTherese

[BarbTherese]

To address the topic more specifically.  From baptism onwards we are called continually to Jesus and His Gospel, to a life of holiness and at every single moment from Baptism onwards.  All too often (although it does have a part to play) discerners are seeking out which further vocation they would like to embrace.  Single adult life in lay celibacy and treated as 'discerning' can very often mean trying to work out which way I would like to serve - i.e. my will while attraction and desire do have a part to play in discerning God's Will.  Rather to me the word "discerning" is all about seeking out God's Will in the present moment and embracing it and this is very applicable at all times and in all vocations from Baptism onwards, including living out the single lay celibate state prior to any particular call to embrace a different state in life, which may or may not occur.  Discerning God's Will in my present moment and where my life is right now can be unclear and this is where sound spiritual direction is absolutely invaluable.  There is a persistent thought in our Catholic culture that one does not have a vocation unless one moves into another state in life i.e. priesthood and/or consecrated life in some form or marriage.

This thinking can leave possibly many floundering who may not feel any attraction at all to either priesthood and/ or consecrated life and leave them with a feeling that they do not know or do not have a vocation.

This also applies to those who may not have the health (or other impediments) necessary for priesthood and/or religious life while possibly (but not necessarily) so much for marriage. We do have a vocation and a call from God, and from Baptism onwards throughout life and whether we receive a further call to a different state, or whether we do not.  This call and vocation from God from Baptism onwards is 'spoken' by The Lord just as urgently at all points in our life, not only in priesthood and/or consecrated life or marriage.

[MarysLittleFlower]

Thanks for all the replies! :) This is a topic that sometimes comes up for me and I thought it would be interesting to discuss for others as well :)

I am single and you could say I always was; I have never had a steady relationship and sometimes this brought feelings of jealously, fear, inferiority, shame, etc. Even if I always had the dream of being a religious sister, there were times when I was experiencing the need of a boyfriend and I wasn't having one...I believe I wanted the emotional support of a boyfriend, the beauty of this kind of friendship, but also beeing like everyone else, given the fact that the majority of my friends were dating and I was feeling excluded, not normal in a sense. However, for this moment, I don't want to date, because I think God really wants me to discern religious life and I would not be able to do two things at the same time. 

 

Another thing that I want to add is that even if one doesn't have a boyfriend/girlfriend this doesn't exclude difficulties regarding sexuality. In my opinion, there are some questions/problems in this matter that are more acute if someone doesn't have a partner. (I understand if you don't know what I mean, but I don't feel like giving more details).

 

So my experience with being single: easy on the outside, sometimes hard on the inside, but in my discernment process I try to develop my relationship with Christ, real man and God. Even if, obviously, there is a difference between Him and a real boyfriend, it helps me to channel this desire of my heart. So, in a sense, I'm not single, I'm dating Jesus ;)

 

I really liked your article, I can relate to a lot of what you said.

Julie, thanks for sharing that! :) I've also never been in a steady relationship (actually I've never had a boyfriend), and sometimes I've felt inferior, bitter, etc. Right now, I also don't feel comfortable with dating because of my discernment thoughts. I would say I'm kind of a romantic at heart so the idea of this sort of relationship appealed to me, but I didn't have a boyfriend, so I would feel like a failure in that way, or I would be unhappy. Discerning religious life has forced me to confront that issue and also to figure out how to feel about being single- because if I am called to consecrated life, I would of course, never have an earthly marriage. I'm learning though, that Jesus' love is more strong and intimate than that of any person, and that in accepting Him, we don't lose anything at all.. there must be a reason, why so many of the Saints rejected marriage proposals after having had experienced His love - of course this depends on their vocation, but they had so much resolution in living it out.. .I think it was because they realized how His love is stronger than anything. Through this realization, it's helped me to channel this desire of my heart in a direction, as you said, and also has given me a way to know that I am loved and not alone. I think one of the points also is that our relationship with Jesus is not like something secondary, - like a nice comforting thought to help us along as we face the REAL issue of not having a boyfriend or a spouse, - rather, it's the greater love and greater relationship. It's something that we probably all know intellectually but it's not always easy to understand it in the heart, I've found. I find that when I focus on Jesus in this way, I no longer desire a boyfriend or an earthly spouse, and Jesus is enough. It's when I take my eyes off Him, that I begin to get confused again.

 

Regarding sexuality, I think this is something that comes in time as we grow spiritually and grow in purity as well :)

I've always been single. I've liked a few guys and did come close to dating once, but things never panned out. Some would say that God's spared me from that :P

When I was in high school, being single was hard. I assumed I'd get married (and knew next to nothing about religious life), and the fact that my friends were dating did, like Julie mentions, make me feel excluded. Looking back on it now, I think I was more taken with the idea of having a relationship and a wedding rather than with the reality of marriage - I think I felt there was something I needed to prove. I can definitely relate to the element of urgency in relationships - I felt it quite strongly during school.

 

It still gets hard to be single even now that I'm discerning religious life. A part of me wants intimacy and love and children, but I think that's a relatively natural feeling - and as quite a maternal person, I think that's just part of who I am. And while I do feel this sense of longing sometimes, there's another part of me that wants to be with God exclusively, and this is creating within me a stronger desire and a greater happiness than I've ever felt before. So I'm happy to be single :)

I can relate to what you said :) I also think I was drawn to the idea maybe without knowing the reality... of course, the day to day life of marriage must be harder than any romanticized version of it, and same with religious life :) however of course the desire that we have - the object of that is there too, and I'd say when we want to love and to feel loved, we can find that most perfectly in Jesus. A relationship with Him kind of transcends any other one and is greater than them all.

[MarysLittleFlower]

I'll reply more in the future! I just need to think more :)

[MarysLittleFlower]

At the risk of making the blog post even longer... (sorry about that! :O this is what happens when I try to figure something out) I added some more thoughts to it recently. I might just make them into another blog post, like a "part 2", so as not to make this one so overwhelming in length.

 

There is a concern that might come up while thinking in this way… and that is the idea that an earthly spouse is visible and someone wen can interact with, whereas (for most of us) we don’t yet see Christ and would only get to see Him, speak to Him, in Heaven. In that way, how can we feel satisfied being single? After all, we are human and long for human companionship. Of course, our relationship with Jesus is primarily based on faith – and Jesus did say, blessed are they who have not seen, yet believed. We do for the most part wait for Heaven to meet our Beloved Jesus. However, – there are two points that have helped me… one is that He has a human heart too. He has a human nature as well as divine. According to various revelations from Jesus, (such as those given to Catholic Saints and mystics) – we see that Jesus in fact longs for our love as well. Theologians have tried to understand this.. I am not a theologian, but I think it makes sense. Jesus has a human Heart too. And even though as God He has everything, – our love is something that we need to choose to give to Him. His longing is also related to His desire to be in union with us, to give us Himself, and ultimately this is for our greatest happiness. Everything here is based on His love, and on the depth of it. Could it be, that Jesus is also waiting for the moment when we would meet Him face to face? We can be so fearful of death, yet Jesus told Gabrielle Bossis to give it a new name – the Meeting – because if we die in a state of grace and are well prepared, that would be the moment of finally seeing Him. Just think of how amazing and joyful this Meeting would be!

 

Another idea that has helped me, is thinking of ways that Jesus communicates His love to us here on earth. He waits for us in the Eucharist. He rejoices when we visit Him. The spiritual consolations that the Saints and others have experienced, are so much greater than any of the joys here on earth. Even a bit of HIs love, is already overwhelming to us. (We truly can’t imagine Heaven!). In such a beautiful way, we can receive Jesus in the Eucharist and be united with Him – not only spiritually but substantially – and have His Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity, within us. We encounter His love powerfully in the Sacraments. He always listens to us, and waits for us to speak to Him, to tell Him about our day, our fears, concerns, and joys too. It is human love that comes from His divine Love – and sometimes we might feel like it’s the other way around, like human love is really what we are after, and we might feel like His love is less intimate, less comforting, or strong. Of course, this is very far from the truth, in fact the truth is the exact opposite – His love is more intimate than that of any human spouse. It’s human love that can’t be compared to His – not the other way. What do we say in our hearts, is it – “oh I guess Jesus would still be there even if I don’t find a spouse, and it won’t really be the same but I guess that’s something I’d have to learn to be content with” – or, is it – “Jesus is here now, and loves me more than anyone ever could, and even if I don’t find someone on earth to love me, even if I were all alone, Jesus would still be my Everything”. He knows it might be hard for us to say the 2nd statement and mean it. He knows and understands our weakness, and has compassion for it. We can give the weakness to Him, and He can give us His grace, and take us the rest of the way =)

 

As for me, I am also on the journey, and also trying to learn that not having a boyfriend does not mean a life of loneliness, jealousy, or bitterness, – but that it could turn into the most beautiful relationship and a lifetime of falling in love with the One who gave His life for me. When we find Jesus, we truly lose nothing at all, – we can say that if we have Jesus and nothing else, we still have everything. (and also, what is the use of having the whole world, if we don’t have Jesus? that would be like having nothing at all, because He gives all things their value, and it would all fade away in the end). We may be single in a human way, but not alone, not truly single. A relationship with Jesus doesn’t just replace an earthly relationship (if someone is single or called to consecrated life), it is greater than any other relationship and is deeper, more intimate, and more all encompassing, – just as His love is. And since He is God, we can love Him with all whole heart unreservedly, and offer Him adoration. I would say that being single (the thing so feared in our culture) has brought me closer to Jesus =)

How He loves us…

Deo gratias!

[Catherine Therese]

Aaaargh I'm pushed for time at the moment and won't be able to read all of this now, but I wanted to let you know that I've just subscribed to your blog, MLF... looks like a beautiful collection of reflections and I look forward to getting my teeth into reading it very soon.