Controlled.

[Mary+Immaculate<3]

Ever since I was little I've had a really strict, controlled upbringing, which undoubtedly has protected me from much harm, but also caused heartache. I was raised Catholic youngest of 7 from a very traditional parish where I was getting well catechizedI but never taught to make the Sacraments an encounter with Jesus Christ. I became increasingly depressed and thought I'd be willing to die a martyr if only to leave this miserable earth behind. That all changed at the March for Life 2012, when I went to Confession and my life gained a purpose. Though I returned home invigorated and continued to grow, I never shared these experiences with my parents. Now I attend daily Mass and Adoration frequently, so my parents think I'm some "saintly child" compared to all my siblings, some of whom have left the faith. The issue is they don't seem to make the connection that though we may have been raised in the faith we didn't all necessarily adopt it and make it our own. This whole situation has caused me anxiety and tension, especially regarding my mother. My dad understands me better, but doesn't know my whole story. My mom constantly bothers me about my weight and image, even though I've finally found peace with how God made me. She talks in the car and house so much that I rush up the stairs to my room to escape it and wear my iPod as often as possible to drown it out. I dont mind doing tasks aorund the house, except that our house is a wreck full of old stuff we don't need anymore but she won't get rid of. Now i can't have friends over because of the mess. I've discussed these issues with some of my siblings, we are all in agreement. I know some of this seems heartless, I don't know what to do. I can't keep surviving like this, I want to live. I fear if I tell them the whole truth they will not understand. Please supply me with any advice, questions, or questions you can.

Edited October 27, 2013 by Mary+Immaculate<3

[Mary+Immaculate<3]

Sorry of how long this is, I usually try to make my online posts brief.

[Maggyie]

Your mother sounds a lot like my mother. She may be suffering from a form of mental illness, or several. The constant talking and the hoarding rings bells.

 

None of this is your fault, please know that. The way you feel about it is a normal response to this kind of stress. It is not heartless or anything else.

 

Can I ask how old you are? For me, adulthood was salvation. I escaped to college.  I didn't have many of the tools most people have when navigating into adulthood,but I was fortunate to fall into the right crowd. I found my way to normalcy but to this day there are situations where I don't know what the "normal" way to feel is.

 

 It's true, if you discuss your spiritual perspective, they may not understand, and it may not change their behavior. Personally I never discussed my conversion experience with my mom because I knew it would not make a difference in her constant criticism, neediness etc. There was an organic problem in her brain that I was not going to be able to change. As I got older and established an independent existence a lot of this fixed itself. She was able to see me as a true individual and not as a child that needed to be controlled and molded into a reflection of herself.

 

I would maybe suggest talking to your dad since he seems more understanding. Does he realize what is going on with the mess? What are his thoughts about dealing with it?

[An Historian]

What is the specific nature of your conflict with your parents?  Are there religious issues between you and them?  Or is it regarding your mother's attitude towards your weight and image, etc.?  Are your problems doctrinal/spiritual or familial?

 

And may I ask how old you are?

[Mary+Immaculate<3]

Your mother sounds a lot like my mother. She may be suffering from a form of mental illness, or several. The constant talking and the hoarding rings bells.

None of this is your fault, please know that. The way you feel about it is a normal response to this kind of stress. It is not heartless or anything else.

Can I ask how old you are? For me, adulthood was salvation. I escaped to college. I didn't have many of the tools most people have when navigating into adulthood,but I was fortunate to fall into the right crowd. I found my way to normalcy but to this day there are situations where I don't know what the "normal" way to feel is.

It's true, if you discuss your spiritual perspective, they may not understand, and it may not change their behavior. Personally I never discussed my conversion experience with my mom because I knew it would not make a difference in her constant criticism, neediness etc. There was an organic problem in her brain that I was not going to be able to change. As I got older and established an independent existence a lot of this fixed itself. She was able to see me as a true individual and not as a child that needed to be controlled and molded into a reflection of herself.

I would maybe suggest talking to your dad since he seems more understanding. Does he realize what is going on with the mess? What are his thoughts about dealing with it?

Thank you for replying, it is a great help. Unfortunately that is what my siblings and I think, and even her mother (my grandma, who we all confide in). My mom is the oldest of 6 which of course causes her to be more controlling to begin with. She doesn't get along too well with her mom, even though she's a very loving, generous woman.
That is the real issue for me, I'm 15 and a freshman, so I'll be stuck at home until I'm 19 because I started school at 6. I'm (which is hard because I have to be home alone with her a lot) but don't think I could skip a high school level grade. Yes, that's what I'm pinning my hopes on, that adulthood will save me.
That's a relief, I thought I might have to come clean about that, but I'm guessing that will be farther down the road when things have cooled down.
One of the main issues my older siblings gave observed is that it was ever since the miscarriage of the 8th child that things really started declining. My dad would be a good confidant, which at times he is, but unfortunately he's rather a pushover when it come to addressing such issues. As it stands, my mom is more aggressive and he more passive, which doesn't always work out well. He has privately addressed with my brother and I (the only two remaining at home) about how much stress we have been going through. Another key factor is that my other brother recently moved to college, went to the ER for alcohol poisoning the first week, and proceeded to tell my parents that he's an atheist.
Honestly I don't know what to do other than grin and bear it. Writing, singing, socializing, dancing, these are all outlets of stress I engage in. I love spending time with my friends, and God has blessed me with solid, Catholic, loving friends. My youth group is also a refuge, as well as the retreats I occasionally go on. Other than that, I'll hopefully go to Post-Secondary classes at a local university next year, which will get me out of the house more.

[Mary+Immaculate<3]

What is the specific nature of your conflict with your parents? Are there religious issues between you and them? Or is it regarding your mother's attitude towards your weight and image, etc.? Are your problems doctrinal/spiritual or familial?

And may I ask how old you are?

It's not so much a specific conflict with them, rather the fact that their perception of Catholicism vs. mine differ. When I encountered God at the March for Life it was undeniable and life changing. They seem to think that because they raised us Catholic, catechized us, and got us the Sacraments at the right age, we automatically will follow, but that's just not how it works. They were devastated that my brother claimed himself an atheist but when he lived here he was constantly insulted as a "loser," "slob," or had his head up his butt. My oldest sister recently had a phone conversation with me where I proceeded tell her about the image/weight problem she brings up, and she said that when she was my age she got anorexia because of it, lost her fertility, then got in trouble for having anorexia. My mom knows all about the doctrines and rules and readily accepts them all, but doesn't seem to grasp the necessity of a life changing relationship with Christ.

[Era Might]

I'm not good at advice of this sort but I would suggest reading some literature...it's all about dysfunctional families haha. Realize that your parents were young once too, maybe are living frustrated lives, who knows...try to find your own way in the world and become more aware of the dynamics of your family...it helps to at least be aware of where you come from, and gradually you discover better who you are and how to make your own path so you don't repeat the same mistakes.

[Mary+Immaculate<3]

I'm not good at advice of this sort but I would suggest reading some literature...it's all about dysfunctional families haha. Realize that your parents were young once too, maybe are living frustrated lives, who knows...try to find your own way in the world and become more aware of the dynamics of your family...it helps to at least be aware of where you come from, and gradually you discover better who you are and how to make your own path so you don't repeat the same mistakes.

Yes, literature is an immense source of consolation and amusement, my favorite classes are my writing and literature classes. That is true, thank you for your advice.

[HisChildForever]

Perhaps family counseling of some kind would be of benefit to all. Maybe the therapist could make home visits so everyone is in their comfort zone (not in an office).

[An Historian]

It's not so much a specific conflict with them, rather the fact that their perception of Catholicism vs. mine differ. When I encountered God at the March for Life it was undeniable and life changing. They seem to think that because they raised us Catholic, catechized us, and got us the Sacraments at the right age, we automatically will follow, but that's just not how it works. They were devastated that my brother claimed himself an atheist but when he lived here he was constantly insulted as a "loser," "slob," or had his head up his butt. My oldest sister recently had a phone conversation with me where I proceeded tell her about the image/weight problem she brings up, and she said that when she was my age she got anorexia because of it, lost her fertility, then got in trouble for having anorexia. My mom knows all about the doctrines and rules and readily accepts them all, but doesn't seem to grasp the necessity of a life changing relationship with Christ.

 

Well here are a few things to consider.

 

You should always bear in mind that your current relationship with God was founded on the bedrock that your parents laid down for you.  You would not have your relationship with Christ now if your parents did not see to it that you were baptised and properly catechised.  The reality of the Sacraments is that there is a supernatural act at work hidden in our souls that we will not have revealed to us until the day of our Judgement.  Religiously it appears that your parents have done everything right.

 

Also remember that there is no one-size-fits-all as to the relationship we have with God in our inner-most soul.  There is a slightly prideful tone in you with how you perceive their personal relationships with Christ compared to your own.  You have said that your perceptions of Catholicism differ and that is allowed within the bounds of the Catholic Church which is truly broad and allows for a great liberality in spirituality, &c.  And it's precisely that, that there can be legitimate differences, that you should recall to mind.  Who are you to say that they have not had a life-changing relationship with Christ?  Is it because even now your parents still sin?  And you are suddenly a saint after your experience at the March for Life?  Christ most certainly can and does change our lives if we are open to it but remember that [i]this does not mean that we will thenceforth be without fault or that we will never sin again.[/i]  And it would be an infallible truth that if one fell into a false sense of security about the state of their own soul, that they will quickly lose it.

 

Now there is no single moment of conversion in our lives,  Benedictines vow themselves to a conversion of manners, which is the same thing, a reform of themselves in conformity with the image of Christ.  But it is not a one-time event.  It is a perpetual reform, it is a perpetual conversion, it is a perpetual life-changing event within their souls.  Perhaps your parents have stagnated, perhaps they do need to have an interior conversion, an interior reformation to grow in Christ and with Christ.  And I can fully understand how frustrating it can be for someone to perceive this necessity in another and be completely and utterly impotent in doing anything about it.  But to move forward it is important to realise that... it's not your place, it's not your job.  Rather than allowing your frustrations with your parents to fester judgementalism and condemnations inside you, cast it all aside and throw yourself on to your knees and pray for them.  God has graced you and has called you to dwell deeper in His love, He has called you to rest within the Sacred Wound on His Side.  So follow His call and rest therein and pray that others will follow His call to come and dwell with you.

 

Lead your parents to this interior reformation, lead them to a life-changing relationship with Christ.  Not with preaching which is above your station, not with condemnations which are no within your right, but lead by example.  Your attendance at daily Mass, your frequented Adoration and the Sacraments, this all serves to lead your parents by example.  The best way to reform others, the only way to reform others, is to reform ourselves.  Do not rest on your laurels.  The March for Life has come and passed and your relationship with Christ is not defined by a single moment in the confessional.  It's a life long reality, a perpetual conversion.  So respond to it!  Climb to even greater heights with Christ and pray that He can use you as a vehicle for the reformation and conversion of others.

 

I am reminded of the old saying falsely attributed to Saint Francis.  "Preach the gospel always, when necessary use words."

 

Your parents are not perfect and I can say that with absolutely certainty. Sadly only one Child was blessed to have a perfect Mother and they've been in heaven now for about 2,000 years! :P

 

I do not possess all of the facts of what has occurred between your parents and your siblings.  But very importantly, neither do you.  You may have witnessed much of it, but you were not your sister or brother, you were not your mother or father.  You don't know what was going on in their own minds and souls at this time.  Have your parents failed?  Most likely yes.  But you cannot thus allow your siblings to colour your perceptions.  Your mother appears to have faults and issues to process and deal with.  But your siblings are not angels themselves, they are not perfect either.  The truth is that in conflict between most individuals, especially among families, both parties are at fault, both have failings, both have messed up and do crazy and stupid things.  For you, you need to focus on your own relationship with your parents.  And it must begin with forgiveness and love.  Your siblings have their own relationships with them that are unique and proper to them.  It's not your place, as hard as it is, to get involved in it.  All you can and should do is to pray, pray for them all and that Christ's healing grace can work among your family.

 

As a closing remark I believe you should truly ground yourself in the spirituality of the Passion and Death of Our Lord and especially develop a strong devotion to Our Sorrowful Mother.  You are suffering right now in your relationship with your parents.  You are suffering even injustices.  At these times turn to your Mother who is Christ's Mother also, and allow her to drape you in her mantle.  Call to mind that sufferings of her Immaculate Heart, call to mind all the injustices she suffered, the climax being that she had to witness the Passion, Death and dereliction of her only Son.  Abandon yourself to her heart pierced by a sword of sorrow and allow her to succor you and nurture you and to obtain for you every strength necessary to face the hardships and trials that life with throw at you, even from those that we love most dearly.

 

Our Lady, Queen of Martyrs, pray for us!

[Basilisa Marie]

First, know that things will be about a hundred times better when you get to college, on your own.  And keep trying to focus on the positive activities in your life (youth group, friends, positive body image) to get you through.  Going to college really helped me be a whole lot happier, and helped me have a much better relationship with my parents. 

Also know that what happened to your brother during his first week of college is actually (sadly) pretty common.  A lot of freshmen go a little crazy when they get to college, with the new freedom, and have no idea how to limit themselves when it comes to things like alcohol consumption. For some students, it just takes one experience like that to "help" them figure out how to self-regulate.  He might not stay an atheist, either.  As you probably know lots of people go through lots of changes in college.  

 

Like others have said, keep trying to open up to your parents, especially your dad, when you're able. They may not completely understand, but it's better than shutting them out completely.  

These next four years are probably going to really suck some of the time.  But that's okay, you've got a good head on your shoulders, good friends, good people to talk to, and some semblance of communication with your parents.  Hang in there, kiddo. :)  Stay busy, it'll help.  Plus it'll help your college applications look that much better! 
 

[Semper Catholic]

You sound like every other white-bread sheltered teenage girl in America. Time to throw some Linkin Park on and grit your teeth until college.

 

Honestly though I recommend working on breaking out of your comfort zone (e.g. not just hanging out with kids from your youth group). You'll be much more experienced and successful if you start now then when you get thrown into the college fishbowl and are forced to adjust to complete culture shock.

[An Historian]

You sound like every other white-bread sheltered teenage girl in America. Time to throw some Linkin Park on and grit your teeth until college.

 

I am not a sheltered teenage girl in America.  I'm not even a teenager.  Or a girl.  Or American.

 

But God, I do love me some Linkin Park!

[Mary+Immaculate<3]

Well here are a few things to consider.

You should always bear in mind that your current relationship with God was founded on the bedrock that your parents laid down for you. You would not have your relationship with Christ now if your parents did not see to it that you were baptised and properly catechised. The reality of the Sacraments is that there is a supernatural act at work hidden in our souls that we will not have revealed to us until the day of our Judgement. Religiously it appears that your parents have done everything right.

Also remember that there is no one-size-fits-all as to the relationship we have with God in our inner-most soul. There is a slightly prideful tone in you with how you perceive their personal relationships with Christ compared to your own. You have said that your perceptions of Catholicism differ and that is allowed within the bounds of the Catholic Church which is truly broad and allows for a great liberality in spirituality, &c. And it's precisely that, that there can be legitimate differences, that you should recall to mind. Who are you to say that they have not had a life-changing relationship with Christ? Is it because even now your parents still sin? And you are suddenly a saint after your experience at the March for Life? Christ most certainly can and does change our lives if we are open to it but remember that this does not mean that we will thenceforth be without fault or that we will never sin again. And it would be an infallible truth that if one fell into a false sense of security about the state of their own soul, that they will quickly lose it.

Now there is no single moment of conversion in our lives, Benedictines vow themselves to a conversion of manners, which is the same thing, a reform of themselves in conformity with the image of Christ. But it is not a one-time event. It is a perpetual reform, it is a perpetual conversion, it is a perpetual life-changing event within their souls. Perhaps your parents have stagnated, perhaps they do need to have an interior conversion, an interior reformation to grow in Christ and with Christ. And I can fully understand how frustrating it can be for someone to perceive this necessity in another and be completely and utterly impotent in doing anything about it. But to move forward it is important to realise that... it's not your place, it's not your job. Rather than allowing your frustrations with your parents to fester judgementalism and condemnations inside you, cast it all aside and throw yourself on to your knees and pray for them. God has graced you and has called you to dwell deeper in His love, He has called you to rest within the Sacred Wound on His Side. So follow His call and rest therein and pray that others will follow His call to come and dwell with you.

Lead your parents to this interior reformation, lead them to a life-changing relationship with Christ. Not with preaching which is above your station, not with condemnations which are no within your right, but lead by example. Your attendance at daily Mass, your frequented Adoration and the Sacraments, this all serves to lead your parents by example. The best way to reform others, the only way to reform others, is to reform ourselves. Do not rest on your laurels. The March for Life has come and passed and your relationship with Christ is not defined by a single moment in the confessional. It's a life long reality, a perpetual conversion. So respond to it! Climb to even greater heights with Christ and pray that He can use you as a vehicle for the reformation and conversion of others.

I am reminded of the old saying falsely attributed to Saint Francis. "Preach the gospel always, when necessary use words."

Your parents are not perfect and I can say that with absolutely certainty. Sadly only one Child was blessed to have a perfect Mother and they've been in heaven now for about 2,000 years! :P

I do not possess all of the facts of what has occurred between your parents and your siblings. But very importantly, neither do you. You may have witnessed much of it, but you were not your sister or brother, you were not your mother or father. You don't know what was going on in their own minds and souls at this time. Have your parents failed? Most likely yes. But you cannot thus allow your siblings to colour your perceptions. Your mother appears to have faults and issues to process and deal with. But your siblings are not angels themselves, they are not perfect either. The truth is that in conflict between most individuals, especially among families, both parties are at fault, both have failings, both have messed up and do crazy and stupid things. For you, you need to focus on your own relationship with your parents. And it must begin with forgiveness and love. Your siblings have their own relationships with them that are unique and proper to them. It's not your place, as hard as it is, to get involved in it. All you can and should do is to pray, pray for them all and that Christ's healing grace can work among your family.

As a closing remark I believe you should truly ground yourself in the spirituality of the Passion and Death of Our Lord and especially develop a strong devotion to Our Sorrowful Mother. You are suffering right now in your relationship with your parents. You are suffering even injustices. At these times turn to your Mother who is Christ's Mother also, and allow her to drape you in her mantle. Call to mind that sufferings of her Immaculate Heart, call to mind all the injustices she suffered, the climax being that she had to witness the Passion, Death and dereliction of her only Son. Abandon yourself to her heart pierced by a sword of sorrow and allow her to succor you and nurture you and to obtain for you every strength necessary to face the hardships and trials that life with throw at you, even from those that we love most dearly.

Our Lady, Queen of Martyrs, pray for us!

Thank you for your admonishment, at this point I really need it. I realize that not everyone is right 100% of the time, besides God. That goes the same for me as for my parents. I admit to have not stated these things in the best way possible, and haven't always addressed these issues in the best way possible. It's that timeless issue of "I do what I don't want and I don't do what I want to do." that St. Paul expressed. My pride gets in the way. Yes, I have embraced the Mater Dolorosa and the Immacualte Heart of Mary as an integral part of my prayer, she brings me through with the grace granted to her. Meditation on the Passion has been my preference for almost 2 years.
Thank you once again.

[Mary+Immaculate<3]

First, know that things will be about a hundred times better when you get to college, on your own. And keep trying to focus on the positive activities in your life (youth group, friends, positive body image) to get you through. Going to college really helped me be a whole lot happier, and helped me have a much better relationship with my parents.

Also know that what happened to your brother during his first week of college is actually (sadly) pretty common. A lot of freshmen go a little crazy when they get to college, with the new freedom, and have no idea how to limit themselves when it comes to things like alcohol consumption. For some students, it just takes one experience like that to "help" them figure out how to self-regulate. He might not stay an atheist, either. As you probably know lots of people go through lots of changes in college.

Like others have said, keep trying to open up to your parents, especially your dad, when you're able. They may not completely understand, but it's better than shutting them out completely.

These next four years are probably going to really smell of elderberries some of the time. But that's okay, you've got a good head on your shoulders, good friends, good people to talk to, and some semblance of communication with your parents. Hang in there, kiddo. :) Stay busy, it'll help. Plus it'll help your college applications look that much better!

Thanks, that's what I'm hoping.