My Life-changing Event

[Era Might]

So, without going into details, I will just say that everything I had built my life around and staked my future on has been pulled out from under my feet, and I find myself single, jobless, and without a clue what to do. I've been drinking too much the last few weeks because I've been in a kind of drawn-out shock. I'm not an alcoholic, don't worry about that, but I know it's not good to be drinking like this...I'm kind of avoiding moving on, and I don't even know what "moving on" consists of. I've learned a lot over the last few years and had a lot of painful life lessons, so on one hand I'm in a good position to really hit my life's stride as I head into my 30s. But my main problem is vocational...I haven't found my niche in life, where I fit in. There's a lot of stuff I "could" do but most stuff I find unsatisfying for one reason or another, and I'm not the kind of person who does good in a trapped situation. I have a strong feeling that I need to leave everything behind and follow Jesus, become a sort of lay missionary. I've always wanted to work with gang members and I have roots in Central America, so that is a possibility in the future. But, in short, I'm a coward. To turn my life around like that, to follow Jesus, it takes a lot of courage that I don't have, and I'm sort of like Augustine at this point, "Make me chaste, O Lord, but not yet!" In my heart I would like a simple family life, but I don't think that's really my destiny. I really feel like I've been running from my real vocation, whatever it is, like Jonah running until he was swallowed by the whale. (And I mean "vocation" in a broad sense, not in a narrow sense of priesthood...I will not become a priest). My life has collapsed, but I don't think it was an accident. There's a line in the novel "Brideshead Revisited," where the little girl character Cordelia says, "If you haven't a vocation it's no good however much you want to be; and if you have a vocation, you can't get away from it, however much you hate it." That line has always spoken to me...I've been relatively responsible so far in my life, was building what I thought was something good, but it was a house built on sand. Now, I find myself before an abyss, not sure how to move forward.

 

SO, this thread is more a solicitation for thoughts on vocation, maybe talk about your own fork in the road, if you've faced one. I'm not looking for personal advice so much as thoughts on vocation...I offer my personal story for background.

[Mary+Immaculate<3]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL7Z79WJ2Yg
Take it from the Pope. Jesus knows what he's doing. In your life it is not going to be easy, but it's sure gonna be exciting!
"I don't want easy, I want crazy."

[AccountDeleted]

So, without going into details, I will just say that everything I had built my life around and staked my future on has been pulled out from under my feet, and I find myself single, jobless, and without a clue what to do. I've been drinking too much the last few weeks because I've been in a kind of drawn-out shock. I'm not an alcoholic, don't worry about that, but I know it's not good to be drinking like this...I'm kind of avoiding moving on, and I don't even know what "moving on" consists of. I've learned a lot over the last few years and had a lot of painful life lessons, so on one hand I'm in a good position to really hit my life's stride as I head into my 30s. But my main problem is vocational...I haven't found my niche in life, where I fit in. There's a lot of stuff I "could" do but most stuff I find unsatisfying for one reason or another, and I'm not the kind of person who does good in a trapped situation. I have a strong feeling that I need to leave everything behind and follow Jesus, become a sort of lay missionary. I've always wanted to work with gang members and I have roots in Central America, so that is a possibility in the future. But, in short, I'm a coward. To turn my life around like that, to follow Jesus, it takes a lot of courage that I don't have, and I'm sort of like Augustine at this point, "Make me chaste, O Lord, but not yet!" In my heart I would like a simple family life, but I don't think that's really my destiny. I really feel like I've been running from my real vocation, whatever it is, like Jonah running until he was swallowed by the whale. (And I mean "vocation" in a broad sense, not in a narrow sense of priesthood...I will not become a priest). My life has collapsed, but I don't think it was an accident. There's a line in the novel "Brideshead Revisited," where the little girl character Cordelia says, "If you haven't a vocation it's no good however much you want to be; and if you have a vocation, you can't get away from it, however much you hate it." That line has always spoken to me...I've been relatively responsible so far in my life, was building what I thought was something good, but it was a house built on sand. Now, I find myself before an abyss, not sure how to move forward.

 

SO, this thread is more a solicitation for thoughts on vocation, maybe talk about your own fork in the road, if you've faced one. I'm not looking for personal advice so much as thoughts on vocation...I offer my personal story for background.

 

 

It might not help Era, but this probably won't be the only time in your life that you feel this way. It's painful, but you will come out the other side, as long as you keep walking, and keep trusting in God. I have no advice, but prayers for you in your vocation.

[Seven77]

Find a good priest who can give you spiritual direction. "Pray, hope, and don't worry."

 

I also lack courage and often feel like Frodo faced before Mordor. "Lord, grant me the grace to know what I must do and the strength to do it."

[morostheos]

I was in a similar situation a couple years ago - all of the sudden being jobless, homeless, and with no direction. Things are better now in that I have a job and a place to live, although the direction is still mostly a mystery to me. Part of my personal journey has been learning to accept the unknown of my vocation, and trusting that God will reveal to me as much as I need to know when I need to know it. 

 

I ended up discerning religious life by living with a group of sisters as a step in at least some direction. Having no ties to any particular place and no job to have to leave, it was actually quite easy to take what would have been a big leap otherwise. Living in a loving and supportive community of religious sisters was exactly what I needed to heal from previous traumatic events in my life. Eventually I ended up leaving the sisters (here is where your quote from Cordelia certainly rings true for me!), but living with them was such a grace-filled time for me, which has shaped me in more ways than I can count.

 

Rather than always feeling lost now, I try to keep in mind a quote from St. Teresa of Avila: "Trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be." That is about all I can do right now - of course that also involves taking into account future plans and changes God may be calling me to, but for now I am trying to just be still. God has a tendency to hit me over the head with a brick if I don't listen to him, so I try to rest in that fact and not be anxious. Of course, when the brick comes along, every time I have taken the leap I think God is calling me to I have never regretted it. It's not the easy path, but it is one of immense adventures.

 

This has been my experience thus far.

[BG45]

Sorry Era, I don't really have any good advice like others have given, but you do have my prayers. 

[Guest]

Prayers bro if you need anything holla...

[MIKolbe]

E-

 

When I read what you wrote, this is how it struck me....

 

 

 

So, without going into details, I will just say that everything I had built my life around and staked my future on has been pulled out from under my feet, and I find myself single, jobless, and without a clue what to do. I've been drinking too much the last few weeks because I've been in a kind of drawn-out shock. I'm not an alcoholic, don't worry about that, but I know it's not good to be drinking like this...I'm kind of avoiding moving on, and I don't even know what "moving on" consists of. I've learned a lot over the last few years and had a lot of painful life lessons, so on one hand I'm in a good position to really hit my life's stride as I head into my 30s. But my main problem is vocational...I haven't found my niche in life, where I fit in. There's a lot of stuff I "could" do but most stuff I find unsatisfying for one reason or another, and I'm not the kind of person who does good in a trapped situation. I have a strong feeling that I need to leave everything behind and follow Jesus, become a sort of lay missionary. I've always wanted to work with gang members and I have roots in Central America, so that is a possibility in the future. But, in short, I'm a coward. To turn my life around like that, to follow Jesus, it takes a lot of courage that I don't have, and I'm sort of like Augustine at this point, "Make me chaste, O Lord, but not yet!" In my heart I would like a simple family life, but I don't think that's really my destiny. I really feel like I've been running from my real vocation, whatever it is, like Jonah running until he was swallowed by the whale. (And I mean "vocation" in a broad sense, not in a narrow sense of priesthood...I will not become a priest). My life has collapsed, but I don't think it was an accident. There's a line in the novel "Brideshead Revisited," where the little girl character Cordelia says, "If you haven't a vocation it's no good however much you want to be; and if you have a vocation, you can't get away from it, however much you hate it." That line has always spoken to me...I've been relatively responsible so far in my life, was building what I thought was something good, but it was a house built on sand. Now, I find myself before an abyss, not sure how to move forward.

 

SO, this thread is more a solicitation for thoughts on vocation, maybe talk about your own fork in the road, if you've faced one. I'm not looking for personal advice so much as thoughts on vocation...I offer my personal story for background.

 

I am happy for you in the first bolded part, and relate to the second.

 

I would even say perhaps recognizing the first makes the second a mental self construct more than anything else.  In a way, I think we are all cowards....perhaps in our own little ways.

 

You see your age and singleness as negatives where I see them as positives as I still gaze about what you have written.  Put the bottle down, unless it's a nice IPA or single malt, and maybe contemplate why things have unfolded in your life in this manner, specifically with this timing and these urges you have.  Perhaps the answer you seek is there. Perhaps there is meaning were others see coincidence or misfortune.

 

Good Luck.  I will pray for you.

 

 

[Comingback]

Era, you have my prayers.  Maybe all of it is like a silence where God is about to speak.

[Spem in alium]

All I can suggest, in addition to what has already been said. is to listen - to yourself and your desires, and to God. In doing so, I believe you will make your heart more to what is coming. 

 

I will pray for you.

[Gabriela]

Wow, you sound exactly like me (minus the Jesus part) in the month before I left Israel. How many bottles of whiskey did I go through then? I ended up spending four days in an alcoholic coma.

 

Then I went for a long run on the beach, and entered "flow" (had never been there before), and when I came out, it was eminently clear to me what my purpose in life was. I had never had so much clarity before. I haven't since.

 

You know what my purpose in life was? That thing I had been most afraid to do. The thing I had been running from since I was 12 years old. In that moment, it seemed so obvious and easy.

 

Now, of course, it seems hard. The clarity of the moment wore off in just a few days. But I will never forget that moment. It haunts me... with the answer to my life.

[Winchester]

When my rug got yanked from under me, I wasn't drinking, yet. I did get involved with a few of married women, though. I'm not advising that. I was directionless for 4 years or so, I think. Then I fixed on a job I really wanted.

 

I'm just saying this because I want to say something, but I'm not sure what. I got no advice, right now. I'll think about it.

[Anastasia13]

When my rug got yanked from under me, I wasn't drinking, yet. I did get involved with a few of married women, though. I'm not advising that. I was directionless for 4 years or so, I think. Then I fixed on a job I really wanted.

 

I'm just saying this because I want to say something, but I'm not sure what. I got no advice, right now. I'll think about it.

 

You could be on to something with that job. How did you know you wanted it, and was it more you choosing it that gave you a sense of direction or did something about it show up and you seemed more led down that path that you then fixed on?

[Catherine Therese]

But, in short, I'm a coward. To turn my life around like that, to follow Jesus, it takes a lot of courage that I don't have, and I'm sort of like Augustine at this point, "Make me chaste, O Lord, but not yet!" In my heart I would like a simple family life, but I don't think that's really my destiny. I really feel like I've been running from my real vocation, whatever it is, like Jonah running until he was swallowed by the whale.

1. Are you sure this is cowardice?
All of us experience fear and suffering and neither makes us a coward. If I've understood you correctly this fork in the road is something that you've arrived at very recently. Deliberating and processing the suffering and coming to understand the reasons for your fear are not cowardice. These things are how the Lord helps us to arrive at the self-knowledge required to truly grow in relationship with Him. If we are giving ourselves over to any kind of vocation, we need to know who we are, because it is THIS person (and not some false notion of self) that we seek to give the Lord, or a married partner, or an apostolate if one's vocation is some form of committed single life to some task of mission or service.

Perhaps, rather than cowardice, this is that opportunity to let the Lord PRUNE you, as ruthlessly and lovingly as one would prune a rose bush, knowing that only by cutting back aggressively can one flower fruitfully and in so doing give the utmost glory to God. Feeling fear and suffering is an experience that CAN be lived with patience, courage, fortitude - and most importantly - with a deep love of God and hope in His grace that spurs you on and keeps you from despairing.

2. Sometimes I feel like, for all Jonah's indignant protestations, his real reason for seeking to evade the Lord's call was his love of comfort. You commented that a simple life with a family appealed to you on some level, but that you thought it probably wasn't your calling, nevertheless. Now most of us know intellectually that family life is a life of sacrifice, of pouring oneself out for spouse and children to the very last drop. Sometimes, I think, faced by the enormity of other types of consecrated or missionary style vocations we can kid ourselves into believing that family life is easier, more attainable somehow. A comfortable job, a reliable living, a modest home and a lot of love sound appealing when compared with "foxes have holes, birds have nests but the Son of Man has nowhere to rest His head."

Perhaps the loss of prior employment situation, direction, and peace are oftentimes a way of removing the comforts that attract us to a life for which we are not called? Most of us seek God in our distress, but "postpone" our relationship with Him during the easy times. God so desperately wants a meaningful relationship with each of us. Allowing difficult times to come is as good as an embossed invitation to invest in that relationship! Once you have really and truly fallen in love with the Lord, you'll find that love to be stronger than the fears that hold you back.

I say this often: Surely the God who freed the Israelites from Egypt can free me from the things that tie me down, the things that keep me far from Him. Surely the God who made the world anew after the flood can create a new heart in me, a heart more capable of loving Him.

3. WE MUST ALL LEARN TO TRUST HIM MORE.
It seems that people in Scripture called to lofty tasks are always being told "Do not be afraid!" Seems to me we need all to take this more to heart. If we truly TRULY trust Him, there is nothing to fear. We see our fears dissipate in front of our very eyes!

These are just some thoughts. I hope they're helpful, even if I'm so far off base that they spark an interior response of opposition to what I've said that gets you thinking and brainstorming along other lines!

Prayers for you!

[Era Might]

2. Sometimes I feel like, for all Jonah's indignant protestations, his real reason for seeking to evade the Lord's call was his love of comfort. You commented that a simple life with a family appealed to you on some level, but that you thought it probably wasn't your calling, nevertheless. Now most of us know intellectually that family life is a life of sacrifice, of pouring oneself out for spouse and children to the very last drop. Sometimes, I think, faced by the enormity of other types of consecrated or missionary style vocations we can kid ourselves into believing that family life is easier, more attainable somehow. A comfortable job, a reliable living, a modest home and a lot of love sound appealing when compared with "foxes have holes, birds have nests but the Son of Man has nowhere to rest His head."

 

Thanks for your post, very useful (and everyone else). Just wanted to respond that just the opposite, I don't idealize family life...again, without going into details, that's what I am coming out of...that's one of the things that was pulled out from under my feet. I know exactly how difficult it is...it's even more difficult than single life, I think, because you can't change other people. When you're single, you can go wherever you want. It's quite remarkable when people can make marriage work...it's not easy, to say the least.

 

But that "comfortable life" of a nice job, a home, etc. is precisely what I think I am not suited for. I am a restless soul...family life comes naturally to me on one level, in the sense of having something to commit yourself to, but on a wider level, on the level of what motivates me, that "comfortable life" is not very suitable, because it requires a commitment to stability...and I'm not sure stability is what motivates me.

Edited October 20, 2013 by Era Might