Confronting The Lie: God Won’t Give You More Than You Can Handle

[Nihil Obstat]

I agree. I dont think any person in their right mind would use that phrase on someone who got cancer, was raped, or other such things.

 

But as far as the truth behind the phrase..ehhhh sure, but at the same time I dont know if its an appropriate thing to use. Depends on the circumstances I suppose.

All I mean is that saying the platitude is unhelpful is not the same as saying it is wrong. I am not sure if this is a correct intuition, but I have a sense that this man concluded it is wrong from the fact that it is unhelpful.

[Lil Red]

I agree. I dont think any person in their right mind would use that phrase on someone who got cancer, was raped, or other such things.

You'd be surprised at the utterly thoughtless things that people say. Edited October 9, 2013 by Lil Red

[Apotheoun]

Sometimes people say thoughtless things because they are nervous. At the end of my dad's funeral my whole family stood in the vestibule of the Church and people came by in a line to give their condolences, and one young man, who was clearly very nervous, came to me and shook my hand and said "I enjoyed the funeral." I could see in his eyes that he immediately regretted saying that, and he then moved on quickly. He didn't even try to say anything to my sister, but simply shook her hand and gave her a pat on the shoulder.

[CrossCuT]

You'd be surprised at the utterly thoughtless things that people say.

Thats when you have one of those oversized boxing gloves to bop them in the face!

 

Sometimes people say thoughtless things because they are nervous. At the end of my dad's funeral my whole family stood in the vestibule of the Church and people came by in a line to give their condolences, and one young man, who was clearly very nervous, came to me and shook my hand and said "I enjoyed the funeral." I could see in his eyes that he immediately regretted saying that, and he then moved on quickly. He didn't even try to say anything to my sister, but simply shook her hand and gave her a pat on the shoulder.

 Aww!!! I have done that more times than I can count....

[AnneLine]

The year I got married, I lost my job, had my back go out on me twice, tore the ligaments in my ankle, lost a second job, found out I was not going to get a decent reference from a volunteer position, had my father lose his living situation and get very sick, and then had my father die.  It was NOT a good year.   When my new husband blandly told me "God won't give you more than you can handle" he nearly got his head handed to him on a platter.

 

Nuff said.

 

These days... we both say, sounds like you are going through a rough patch.... God loves you, and I will pray for you.   THAT is what 20 years of marriage will do for you... and a whole lot of living.

 

Praying for all of you.... and yes, God loves you!

[Luigi]

The year I got married, I lost my job, had my back go out on me twice, tore the ligaments in my ankle, lost a second job, found out I was not going to get a decent reference from a volunteer position, had my father lose his living situation and get very sick, and then had my father die.  It was NOT a good year.  

 

When someone tells me that these kinds of things happen to them, I say:

 

Go to the voodoo lady. Pay the money. Have the curse lifted.

 

 

 

It's not particularly helpful, but they usually get a little laugh out of it.

[AccountDeleted]

When someone tells me that these kinds of things happen to them, I say:

 

Go to the voodoo lady. Pay the money. Have the curse lifted.

 

 

 

It's not particularly helpful, but they usually get a little laugh out of it.

 

This. There have been times when I was sure that someone had put a curse on me and I needed an exorcism or something. :shock:

 

 

It isn't usually one thing that is too much to bear for an individual - it is the culmination of a series of events -  that final straw for the poor camel. I have been watching 'Breaking Bad', which I really had no intention of watching because the description I read talked about a chemistry teacher named Walter White who starts making crystal meth - bleh. But I was fascinated at the gradual disintegration of the man's personality as he was worn down by circumstances over a period of time. He started off by making a bad choice out of despair and frustrated rage and a desire to get some kind of control over his own life so he could provide for his family after his death, but he ended up losing his soul in the process. I have often had similar feelings about wanting to stop feeling like a victim and to take charge of my own destiny but the fact is that total control over our lives is an illusion.

 

While watching the show, I would find myself wondering what I would do if I were in the situations that Walter faced, but it all came back to that first error in judgment, thinking that he could deal with his problems by himself and choosing the end over the means. In the beginning there were even a few potential exits from the path he had started walking, but each time he got to one of these possibilities, his pride kept him from accepting the help that was being offered by others.

 

I don't think the platitude that God doesn't give us more than we can bear would have sat well with Walter White but then I didn't see evidence of God in Walter's life at all - there was no mention of faith or an afterlife etc. Without God, without the hope of heaven, then definitely a person will be unable to see that whatever burden we experience in this life, it really is never more than we can bear. By saying that, I mean that the end game for a Christian isn't in this life but in the next. When Walter found out about his cancer, he was faced with a bleak future and little time left in this life. But instead of turning to his family and friends and to God to find meaning in his suffering, he chose to walk alone and so ended up alone. Along the way, he left a path of destruction for everyone who was close to him.

 

Oh, that isn't to say that a Christian won't reach the point of despair and feel abandoned, but even reaching rock bottom can be a point of salvation for those who will take their suffering to God instead of trying to carry the whole weight by themselves. And the concept of redemptive suffering gives meaning to things that don't appear to make sense. I liked this part of the article:

 

Later, Paul will write it is when he is weak that the strength of Christ is seen.  In other words, when we can’t do it any longer.  When we are fed up.  When it has become too much.  When we have nothing left.  When we are empty.  When it is beyond our capability to deal with it.  Then, in that moment, the strength of the God of resurrection will be seen.  Until we get to that point, we rely on ourselves thinking we can handle it and take care of the problem.

 

 

Are platitudes helpful? On occasion they can be a way to express support without necessarily removing the bandage on the wound. As someone here has pointed out - at a funeral or when sending a condolence card, it isn't always easy to know what to say, so we murmur gentle assurances that act like a balm and the person who receives them is not forced to face their deepest emotional pain to respond - they can just smile and nod. The secret is to be sensitive to time, place and situation. Using a platitude like 'God never gives someone more than they can bear.' is not going to be appropriate or appreciated at a  time when the burden definitely feels more than a person can bear - for example, the funeral of one's child. But there might be a time during a personal conversation when saying something like this helps the person to see that God is helping them to carry their burden of suffering so that it doesn't become something more than they can bear forever. It has been especially helpful for me to visualize Jesus carrying His Cross and Simon of Cyrene stepping in to help Him carry it. When things are almost unbearable for me, I imagine Jesus stepping in to help me carry my Cross and the load seems just a little lighter. But before I reach that stage, sometimes I need to rant and rail against God as part of the grieving process though. The greatest comfort for me is not feeling alone in my suffering- even if I get angry at God and blame Him for what is happening, I am not alone - and He can take it. It is too easy to turn on those we love in our pain - like an injured animal biting the person who is trying to help them. God won't turn away or be offended, and when all the poison of the pain has been released, God will still be there, waiting to comfort us.

 

The thing is that Christians have hope - in Jesus. And it can help to be reminded of this - but the timing matters, as does the way it is presented. And trying to offer a platitude like this to a non-Christian is just insensitive IMO. Whether or not this particular platitude is true really shouldn't be the issue - that isn't the purpose of a platitude anyway. It is just as true to say 'Everything ends in death.' but whether or not that statement provides comfort to someone depends on when and how and where and to whom, and under what circumstances it is made. The truth might be that God doesn't give anyone more than they can bear, with help. Whether or not a person will accept help though is another matter and might depend in some part on the way the help is offered. Maybe it is the comforting friend or family member who needs to hear the platitude and not the suffering person. Knowing that God has not given this person more than they can bear - with our help - maybe we can then offer a comforting presence without the need for a lot of words.

[TheresaThoma]

I think one has to be very careful in how one uses these "sayings" . Especially when dealing with grief. I know for myself after my dad died I eventually didn't want to tell people about it because I was so sick of hearing those some few phrases over and over.

Something else to keep in mind is that a specific phrase might trigger an emotional reaction. For example in the months after my father's death if you asked my mom how she was doing she would immediately start crying even if she had been just fine moments before. She would say "I'm fine until someone asks me that." It was just that there were so many sad memories and emotions attached to that phrase. Obviously not many people knew that phrase would make her cry but if you are around someone who is going through a hard time pay attention to what others are saying to them. Repeating the same saying over and over probably isn't the best idea, it may just upset them more.

Sometimes the best thing you can say is "yeah this situation is really hard and it may be hard for a long time, I'll be praying for you."

[PhuturePriest]

My dad liked the phrase that is in the title of this thread. But again I do not remember him ever saying "God will not give you more than you can handle"; instead, he always said, "God will not give me more than I can handle." I think that my dad's usage involves a vital distinction.

I'm a lot like your dad. I don't claim to have experienced anything as bas as he went through in his life, but I have experienced bad things, especially recently. It got to where a few weeks ago I questioned why I should keep going on in the first place and not just end it. But God helped me through that then and is now, and I can honestly say these experiences will have positive outcomes on me as a person so long as I allow God to help me with them. God has permitted me to go through such struggles, and it is because, for whatever reason, I need to. I will gain something out of them that I wouldn't otherwise have.

[Norseman82]

God may not give me more than I can handle, but other people sure do...

 

You'd be surprised at the utterly thoughtless things that people say.

 

Actually, I'm getting to the point where nothing surprises me any more (if I haven't reached that point already).

[Tab'le De'Bah-Rye]

I don't believe God gives anyone more then they can handle. The devil does though. And in the case of cancer there are medicines god provides for us to ease the pain but also God hasn't caused the cancer.