Parents Acting Weird.

[Spem in alium]

This is more of a vent kind of post, because I just really need to vent. 

Yesterday evening I went to my dad's office. Pretty soon after I got there, he said to me:

"If someone asks you about what you're planning to do, can you just tell them that you're thinking about it?" Then afterwards, when he saw I was a bit stunned, he said, "I mean, only people in the office".

I was a bit confused - I mean, I know he was talking about my vocation, but he's often really vague and evasive about it (i.e. referring to it as "what you're thinking" or "what you're planning to do" rather than just saying "entering the convent" or something) that it can be really awkward and misleading for me at times. 

 

Hos request was also weird. I know he's told some of his staff, because he's told me he has. Plus, he knows I'm getting pretty serious, so I don't know why he wants to downplay it so much.

It really got me confused and a little upset. I wanted to ask him what he meant, but afterwards he was busy and I didn't want him to know that he had upset or confused me as I know that wasn't his intention. I was trying to think of why he would ask me that, and it all seems odd because he's actually been really supportive and interested throughout my whole discernment process so far, so this seems really out of character. I talked to one of my sisters about it last night because it really stuck with me, and she said he could be embarrassed by something though I'm not sure why that would be.

 

Anyway, it was a bit odd and I'm still a bit confused. Maybe I took it too much to heart, but it's just very weird and unexpected behaviour.

 

[AccountDeleted]

Try to put yourself in his shoes. Although he is trying to be supportive about your vocation, he probably isn't all that sure what it's all about or why you would want to do such a thing. He probably also imagines his co-workers asking him all kinds of questions about it like 'what, no sex?" or 'so why doesn't she want to get married and have kids?'. Not everyone understands about religious life, and not everyone even likes the Catholic Church (because they don't understand it either) and a lot of people only think about pedophile priests. Your vocation doesn't only affect you.

 

So give the poor guy a bit of a break. He wants to support you but doesn't know how his colleagues will take the news. So until he is ready, honor his wishes. It's his work environment after all, you won't be there after you enter, and he will be!

Edited October 2, 2013 by nunsense

[EmilyAnn]

Although your father is being supportive, there are probably a whole load of other emotions underneath that. Confusion, loss, fear, doubt...to name just a few. His avoiding of actually saying "convent" (or equivalent) sounds a lot like my mother was - saying it makes it real, and if it's real then it's scary. As nunsense said, having to explain to others something he may not fully understand himself is daunting, and again makes it real. If not telling people makes it easier for him, it doesn't hurt. And let him know that it's okay for him to share any non-entirely-supportive thoughts with you, because then you can actually help. 

[Spem in alium]

Try to put yourself in his shoes. Although he is trying to be supportive about your vocation, he probably isn't all that sure what it's all about or why you would want to do such a thing. He probably also imagines his co-workers asking him all kinds of questions about it like 'what, no sex?" or 'so why doesn't she want to get married and have kids?'. Not everyone understands about religious life, and not everyone even likes the Catholic Church (because they don't understand it either) and a lot of people only think about pedophile priests. Your vocation doesn't only affect you.

 

So give the poor guy a bit of a break. He wants to support you but doesn't know how his colleagues will take the news. So until he is ready, honor his wishes. It's his work environment after all, you won't be there after you enter, and he will be!

 

Thanks :) I guess I hadn't really thought about it that way and I know I'm so lucky to have his support, which makes me feel bad for stressing.

 

I know my vocation isn't just about me, and it will affect everyone in different ways. I just wish he would tell me upfront what his thoughts are rather than be so vague because then I would have a better idea of how he feels rather than just speculating, which annoys me and tends to just make me worry more. I want my parents (and others) to be as comfortable as possible.

[Spem in alium]

Although your father is being supportive, there are probably a whole load of other emotions underneath that. Confusion, loss, fear, doubt...to name just a few. His avoiding of actually saying "convent" (or equivalent) sounds a lot like my mother was - saying it makes it real, and if it's real then it's scary. As nunsense said, having to explain to others something he may not fully understand himself is daunting, and again makes it real. If not telling people makes it easier for him, it doesn't hurt. And let him know that it's okay for him to share any non-entirely-supportive thoughts with you, because then you can actually help. 

Thank you :) I can totally understand if he's feeling unsure and a little scared, because I feel like that sometimes. I guess me telling people that I'm pretty certain about entering would make things more real and mean he'd have to explain more, and he may not understand well enough to explain. We talk about my vocation fairly often, and he always seems interested and happy for me, but maybe he does have concerns he hasn't expressed.

Oh yes - what I want more than anything is to help! I would hate to think that he is keeping any feelings from me because he doesn't want to upset or offend me. I'm more upset by him being vague than anything else because that seems to indicate he's hiding something or is uncomfortable in some way, and that is the last thing I want to happen.

[TheLordsSouljah]

Naww, that's pretty hard! Yeah, I'm going through a similar thing with my brother at the moment. At first he was pretty accepting, but then he hit uni and was like, 'um, yeah I don't know what I'm gonna tell people when they ask what my sister does...'. It was almost kinda like he was ashamed.... it's not easy. Sometimes I wonder if my family will have it harder than me. A lot of my less-religious relatives have asked me what I want to do with my life and when they keep probing about it and I mention religious life, they talk as if "oh that's nice, you know nuns these days are really cool and don't have to wear those annoying, silly clothes any more, and they do cool stuff like social work. But you know there are so many other things you could do, remember, you're so young, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste it."

 

I think your dad is struggling with acceptance. You're precious to him, and the seriousness of your discernment has probably just dropped on him. Who knows who could be bothering him at work. I'm not sure how you'd feel about it, but I'd probably talk to him about it. Just to be completely open. Who knows, you might be able to let him get his concern off his mind. Praying for you darlin. :)

 

 

Edited October 3, 2013 by TheLordsSouljah

[TheresaThoma]

I think it is relatively normal for parents to "get cold feet" when their child gets really serious about a religious vocation. I know for a while my parents were pretty ok with me discerning (not supportive but not actively blocking). But then when it appeared that I was getting really serious with a community, going back for a second longer visit/hinting at potentially applying etc they became completely opposed to the whole idea. Your dad may be going through a bit of that.

It may also be that he received some negative comments about you and your discernment and he doesn't want to make the situation worse. 

[AccountDeleted]

Thank you :) I can totally understand if he's feeling unsure and a little scared, because I feel like that sometimes. I guess me telling people that I'm pretty certain about entering would make things more real and mean he'd have to explain more, and he may not understand well enough to explain. We talk about my vocation fairly often, and he always seems interested and happy for me, but maybe he does have concerns he hasn't expressed.

Oh yes - what I want more than anything is to help! I would hate to think that he is keeping any feelings from me because he doesn't want to upset or offend me. I'm more upset by him being vague than anything else because that seems to indicate he's hiding something or is uncomfortable in some way, and that is the last thing I want to happen.

 

 

Why don't you ask him if the two of you could have a chat about your vocation. Then try to help him understand your feelings about it and ask if you could answer any questions he might have. He could feel too embarrassed to raise the subject with you himself, but if you open the door, he might be very glad about it. And then ask him why he is hesitant to let his co-workers know about it. Open the door of the conversation for him.

 

You could also ask him if anyone at his work has had any questions about your vocation. It might be that he doesn't want to ask you about things like celibacy and giving up marriage and kids etc but would be able to present these questions as coming from someone else. Men often find it difficult to communicate about sensitive or emotionally charged topics, especially fathers with their daughters! You might have to be the one who instigates conversations about your vocation. Pray about it first and then let the Holy Spirit guide you.

[maximillion]

I echo what others have said, and add that maybe someone has asked him something he feels awkward raising with you, so he is asking you to take action that may prevent that happening again.

Judging from the questions I've been asked since I came out, people have all sorts of strange (and some ridiculous) notions about RL, then there are the issues around abuse etc which are very hard to answer.

 

Yes, approach him gently and let him know that nothing is off the agenda.

Prayers for you and him.

[Spem in alium]

Thanks to all for your helpful responses, prayers and advice.

After some prayer I managed to speak to him this evening. I asked him upfront about what he said and he was clear with his reasons. He wants to control how the news gets around his office, which I'm grateful for as I'm quite cautious about who I speak to and when (though I doubt his staff would really want to spend time talking about my vocation!). 
He also wants to tell his business partner directly when things become definite. His partner's a fairly nice guy, but apparently he would not understand at all or even consider why anyone would want to enter religious life, and he does have some strange ideas about churches. So I guess my dad's just trying to handle things carefully, which I appreciate.

 

It was good to finally be clear about things. I did tell my dad I was a little confused by what he said, so we straightened that out too. I suppose it would help for me to be more open about everything. Thanks again, guys :)

 

[AccountDeleted]

Thanks to all for your helpful responses, prayers and advice.

After some prayer I managed to speak to him this evening. I asked him upfront about what he said and he was clear with his reasons. He wants to control how the news gets around his office, which I'm grateful for as I'm quite cautious about who I speak to and when (though I doubt his staff would really want to spend time talking about my vocation!). 
He also wants to tell his business partner directly when things become definite. His partner's a fairly nice guy, but apparently he would not understand at all or even consider why anyone would want to enter religious life, and he does have some strange ideas about churches. So I guess my dad's just trying to handle things carefully, which I appreciate.

 

It was good to finally be clear about things. I did tell my dad I was a little confused by what he said, so we straightened that out too. I suppose it would help for me to be more open about everything. Thanks again, guys :)

 

 

How absolutely wonderful for you that you were able to speak with your father about this and get things straightened out. :) God is good.

[Spem in alium]

How absolutely wonderful for you that you were able to speak with your father about this and get things straightened out. :) God is good.

Thank you :) Yes, it truly was such a blessing! 

[maximillion]

Well done.

[blazeingstar]

Thanks to all for your helpful responses, prayers and advice.

After some prayer I managed to speak to him this evening. I asked him upfront about what he said and he was clear with his reasons. He wants to control how the news gets around his office, which I'm grateful for as I'm quite cautious about who I speak to and when (though I doubt his staff would really want to spend time talking about my vocation!). 
He also wants to tell his business partner directly when things become definite. His partner's a fairly nice guy, but apparently he would not understand at all or even consider why anyone would want to enter religious life, and he does have some strange ideas about churches. So I guess my dad's just trying to handle things carefully, which I appreciate.

 

It was good to finally be clear about things. I did tell my dad I was a little confused by what he said, so we straightened that out too. I suppose it would help for me to be more open about everything. Thanks again, guys :)

 

 

Aww...

 

That sounds really sweet.  He wanted to protect you from his office.  What a good dad.

 

He also might be trying to make sure you are not feeling pressured.  One of my good freinds (who's like a brother/cousin) entered the seminary last year.  We were very careful not to speak of it even though we saw the struggle with and to vocation for years.  We were supportive when he mentioned it...but didn't bring it up.  (the fact that he thought Cheesit would be a cute name if he had kids definitely gave us a hint)   In the same way, we respected another friend and didn't ask him when he was going to propose/get married.

 

No matter what the topic "rest of your life" is a tricky thing.

[Spem in alium]

Thanks guys. Yes, he's a wonderful father. I'm so blessed.  :love: 

 

It's definitely very reassuring not being pressured, so I'm glad my parents aren't pushing me to talk about things.