So Um.... Is This Normal?

[TheLordsSouljah]

Okay so I finish my degree next year and have been accepted to a vocations retreat with the SVs.

 

I"m probably over-reacting.

 

But I have to get this out.... over the last six months or so I've been freaking out just a tad that I might only have one or two Christmases left with my family, ten months left to work/travel/live a lay single life as a young person..... I"m counting down the weeks of holidays I might have left and planning to fit my whole life of travel and pilgrimages and work and my motorcycle upgrade (lol) into them. 

 

Probably have the wrong mentality here. Sigh.

 

It's not like I've been accepted yet or anything, and I know it seems like there's tonnes of time, besides the fact that anything could happen between now and then, but there have been tonnes of obstacles for years and they are all cleared away one by one....

 

I just feel like I can't see past the drop off yet. Can't feel any of the potential joy of being a sister yet as I am nowhere near them. Then again, I don't know what I'd do if being a sister wasn't my vocation, because while I have discerned marriage and don't feel called, and all my energy since I was like six or something has felt that being a sister is right.

 

Sorry if this kinda rant has been posted before, perhaps a million times, but I just need some thoughts. Thanks!

[AccountDeleted]

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Mt 6:34

 

Take each day as it comes and try not to borrow worries about the future. Easier said than done, but being aware of the things that your will miss should help you to appreciate them more while you still have them. :)

[TheLordsSouljah]

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.  Mt 6:34

 

Take each day as it comes and try not to borrow worries about the future. Easier said than done, but being aware of the things that your will miss should help you to appreciate them more while you still have them. :)

God bless your wise heart Nunsense. Ahh dear. I guess I just don't want to have any regrets or 'what-ifs'. It's hard not having the happiness of being a sister (hard as it may be) when all you can see at the moment is that you are giving up your family and everything else...
I think I just need prayers and some adoration time. :)

[AnneLine]

Awwww... Sounds like you are suffering from literally TOO far away and TOO CLOSE syndrome!

 

TOO far away -- which is why you aren't feeling any excitement/joy about the whole thing -- it just isn't' real yet!

 

TOO CLOSE -- yowee... this might be my last ____________!

 

I agree with Nunsense... just enjoy what you have.  None of us knows what tomorrow will bring.   Enjoy your family time, and know that if you are not to be with them in a few years for whatever reason, God will give you something different.  :)  Trust me, even if you get married, you STILL will have that experience!

 

You're going to be fine, Souljah!

[Spem in alium]

Prayers and love, beautiful! As both AnneLine and nunsense have said, try to focus on your life as it is now and all of its current preoccupations. They are most important at this stage (that's not to say your vocation is not important, because it is). All good things in time :)

Try and remain open to the ways you can use the time you have before you can enter. Recently my own plans got foiled (but hey, God knows better than I do) and now I'm looking at a few more years before I am free to enter. It can be hard, but there's so much to be gained from keeping life "ordinary" and focused on the here and now rather than preoccupied solely with the future. Make the most out of each moment, and strive to see God in all things.

 

 

[Aya Sophia]

Ah, yes - the Farewell Tour. Been there, done that more than once and suspect many others here have as well.

 

Echoing advice above: we only ever have the grace to be where we are now. Don't have the grace for what is yet to come.  Be here now.

 

Can't be said there won't be a sense of rupture when the time comes but this, indeed, is NORMAL.  We're being transplanted.  Our roots will be flailing about, pulled up from life as we knew it and not yet rooted in our new life.  This new rooting takes a long time but, if we discern it as God's will for us and persevere in it, it will happen.  We will put down new roots in new ground and, becoming rooted in Christ, we'll grow with all kinds of beautiful blossomings and fruitbearing for this life as well as for Heaven.

 

A prayer of the present moment:  "Jesus, I trust in You."    I tell you, Lord, from the deepest recesses of my heart, I TRUST IN YOU.  Speaking to Him this way, in times of difficulty, alone in the dark after getting into bed, when the day is finished and all that's left to do is sleep, I place and re-place my trust in Him.  Trusting Him this way, so completely, frees and rejoices the heart and unblocks hidden springs of strength we didn't know we had.  Entrust all to Him, Souljah, and He will carry you like a babe in arms!

[maximillion]

While I agree with the others, and would tell anyone that living for Him in the moment, fully, right where/how you are now is the best way to move forward, I will also add that I too counted 'the last time' for a whole bunch of stuff - which He promptly gave back.

 

 

My long walks communing with Him in Nature.....He gave me three hives of bees to look after that were two fields away from the house.

My love of sewing, knitting and crochet - oh boy I NEVER gave those up, well, not for longer than it took me to travel to the convent anyways!

Singing - I sang lots in the world, and then I sang more in the convent, the whole LOTH of Gregorian Chant and added choir stuff too.

Teaching, the show and tell practical stuff rather than theory - and then I was appointed Zelatrix.

 

I began to wonder, along with Mother Mary Francis 'Lord, is there nothing I can sacrifice for You?'

 

Of course, learning to accept and embrace the sacrifices He did ask was much harder.....for most of the time I didn't even recognise I was being given the opportunity  - He had to give me a few pokes in the back!

 

So, don't count your chickens - or your joys or sacrifices, in advance.

[FutureCarmeliteClaire]

I've had friends who've entered/are entering, and I've experiences similar freak outs. ;)

 

For me, what helps is realizing that yes, I only have a short amount of time left with these people, so I need to love them and enjoy their presence to the full. So that when the time comes to say goodbye, I don't regret not taking every opportunity to love them and share memories with them.

 

As for yourself, remember that a lot can change in one or two years. Who knows how different your life might be then. So just take every day as it comes, and seize every opportunity to love those around you, and serve God where you are right now, not two years from now. :)

 

God bless you, you are in my prayers.

[TheresaThoma]

I think it is very normal, with any change not just entering religious life. I just accepted a year long service position starting in January, and as part of that I won't be able to come home for Christmas until the 27th of Dec next year. I also don't know what I will be doing after the year of service so I have no clue when I will be home for Christmas again. Its a little scary/bittersweet for me. However I am just trying to enjoy the time I have now and not look too far into the future.

That said it is easier said than done, especially when you don't know what you will be doing in the future. I found it helps to have goals to focus on, it makes you pay attention to the here and now.

I'll pray for you!

[MissyP89]

For what it's worth, I am getting married in 18 months and am experiencing some of the same thoughts. I live at home with my parents and will be moving to another state to be with my husband, so there is very much that feeling of wanting to hold my family close while I can.

 

It's a very normal thing. You're going to experience every emotion in the book, from ecstatic joy to panic and even real grief (I cry really hard every time I think of dancing with my dad at the wedding) ... and that's OK. If your feelings upset you, try asking yourself in the moment "Why am I feeling this way?" It helps get a better handle on the reasons behind your feelings.

 

Good luck! :)

[AugustineA]

O wow, I felt this just converting to the Church. I can't imagine the magnification of those feelings from entering religious life. 

 

You know what's cool, is you're going to be a nun on a motorcycle. 

[NotreDame]

Sometimes things are hard because all choices in life have trade-offs, but sometimes things are hard because they aren't the right thing to do.  That's what discernment is for, to know the difference by discerning God's will (when possible.)

 

The "Discernment" most people talk about - at least according to St Ignatius - is prayer.  You need to be studying what discernment is (best if done w/ Fr Gallagher's books on the subject) and you need to be putting it into action by spending time in front of the Blessed Sacrament in silent prayer. 

 

And make sure you are open about your feelings with a spiritual director, with the vocations director, with your family.  Don't hide it from anyone.  Make sure you have a prudent process.  You are going to a vocations retreat, which is good.  You should have a spiritual director experienced in helping discern vocations.  Find out if there are more opportunities for retreats or to visit other orders.  Ask others for help, but don't rely on them to make your choices for you.

 

If you are praying and you have a prudent process you are following then, as Nunsense said, you need to relax and take it day by day.  And entering isn't the final decision.  If you are unsure a good congregation will help you discern after entering, especially prior to first vows (and you should discuss this with them prior to entering.)

 

[Gabriela]

I understand and offer prayers and love and all, just like everyone else, but now for some tough love:

 

It's just a retreat. Chill out.

[TheLordsSouljah]

Oh golly, I think I have the best pham in the world! Gee I love the Church!! :) I never expected such a response, thanks all so much! 

 

I guess part of the problem is that I no longer have a spiritual director (moved), and have been praying for one for months on end with no luck.

Somehow I feel like I'll be doing this again when I have like two months left or something, hehe, but yeah, I do need to focus on the now.

 

I've done some thinking.... I think the reality has just hit me that I'm going all ten thousand miles to your fair country though... I've never been, and the fact that it actually is for the first time more just than the dream in my mind. I've dreamed of being a sister since I can remember, and what I would read of only others getting to do is actually becoming real for me too. Perhaps I'm scared of the unknown. I place an abnormal amount of importance on places and memories, because they are treasures too. 

 

Finally coming home for mid-semester break was not really helping... went for a long motorbike ride in my mountains today. couldn't help wondering if I'd ever ride again as a sister. But then again I could have died the next day and not ridden again either. So true it just brings me back to living in the moment.

 

Must keep up the prayers. And the adoration. Thanks for the hand up friends. God bless you all! :)

[Gabriela]

Oh golly, I think I have the best pham in the world! Gee I love the Church!! :) I never expected such a response, thanks all so much! 

 

I guess part of the problem is that I no longer have a spiritual director (moved), and have been praying for one for months on end with no luck.

Somehow I feel like I'll be doing this again when I have like two months left or something, hehe, but yeah, I do need to focus on the now.

 

I've done some thinking.... I think the reality has just hit me that I'm going all ten thousand miles to your fair country though... I've never been, and the fact that it actually is for the first time more just than the dream in my mind. I've dreamed of being a sister since I can remember, and what I would read of only others getting to do is actually becoming real for me too. Perhaps I'm scared of the unknown. I place an abnormal amount of importance on places and memories, because they are treasures too. 

 

Finally coming home for mid-semester break was not really helping... went for a long motorbike ride in my mountains today. couldn't help wondering if I'd ever ride again as a sister. But then again I could have died the next day and not ridden again either. So true it just brings me back to living in the moment.

 

Must keep up the prayers. And the adoration. Thanks for the hand up friends. God bless you all! :)

 

This reminds me of something that might sound weird and irrelevant at first, but I'll explain eventually, so bear with me.

 

When I began observing the Sabbath as an Orthodox Jew, I stopped turning the lights on and off, stopped tearing toilet paper, stopped cooking, stopped going out to shops, stopped watching tv, stopped using the internet, etc. I stopped a lot of things, because most of the rules for the Sabbath are negative rules, i.e., they forbid things. I was living alone in a German dorm room the size of a cardboard box. It was really, really depressing to sit in that box for 26 hours trying to find something to do other than sleep, so I mostly slept. More depressing.

 

I finally talked to a friend about this, the one who was "bringing me up" as an Orthodox Jew. Her husband overheard our conversation, and being a very educated man, said to me: "You have to start adding things in. All you've done is take things out and forbid things. Now you have to start filling up that emptiness with the things that the prohibitions make space for, the things that make the Sabbath truly joyful. Read the Torah, sing Shabbos songs, spend time with friends, eat lots of food, go for a leisurely walk, etc." I started to do this, and suddenly I began to see the goodness of the Sabbath. I didn't feel anymore like I was just observing a day of "not allowed". I felt like I was observing a day that was set apart for truly peaceful, God-centered things, the things I always wanted to do but never had time for.

 

You are focusing on all the things that are negative, that you'll have to give up. But remember that those things go away in order to make space for other things. And those other things will be truly wonderful. They will bring joy and peace and God-centeredness in a way that the "forbidden" never could.